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| so worried |
Nov 16th, 2010 5:01:23 am - Subscribe |
| I can't sleep. Normally I'm up this late or later anyway, but tonight is different. I was supposed to go to bed earlier so I could wake up at 10. Supposedly I'm going to pick up a bed from my mom's friend's house and it might be put in my room. That would be the first time I've had a bed in over 5 years. But I can't sleep; the massive amount of trauma I've been blocking has became unblocked. I can't just look away and pretend that everything is ok anymore. The truth is that everything is not ok. I have zero dollars to my name, no money and no savings. Bills are due soon and I can't pay them. I have about $18,000 in credit card and student loan debt that I need to start paying on now and I can't because I've been unemployed for 2 months, before that 8 months. My poor mom has been unemployed for 2 years; her unemployment runs out for good at the end of this month. She's what they call a 99-weeker. How will we afford our house payment? What will we eat? How cold will it get this winter? How depressing is Christmas going to be? Will we lose our house and all of our things? I started crying in my sleeping bag tonight thinking about how hard of a worker my mom is and how she is just fucked. I wish if anything I got a good salary job that I could live comfortably and make payments on my bills and still send money to my mom. I just want to help her somehow and I can't. She's so sad. She's in her 50s and she hasn't went on a real vacation in forever. I just want her to be happy and have fun and not worry about money and food. This is terrible. Things would be a hell of a lot different if I didn't make that one fateful choice on the night of September 12th, 2010. It's when I decided that on the following morning instead of going to work at Sam's Club in Jacksonville, North Carolina, I was going to drive to the Atlantic Ocean, then to the Gulf, then to the Pacific Ocean in California. I did the trip, only to find out that my friends didn't like my reckless behavior and informed me that I no longer had a home to return to anymore. I could have easily gotten another part-time job in North Carolina had they let me stay at the house. Being forced to move back to Michigan was the worst they could do to me and I feel like they thought they were doing me some sort of favor or something. It's impossible to find work here. Every single menial part-time job is so precious that as soon as one becomes available, all of us unemployed people jump on it like vultures and of the thousand that apply, one person makes it. Who knows who that one person is, I've never met them. I've been straight-up applying for all sorts of jobs all over the state and country for 2 months now without even one call-back or email. It's total bullshit. Now I'm out of money and my credit cards are all maxed out. What do I do? How do I pay my phone bill so that if someone does have a job offer for me, they can get a hold of me? How will I afford gas to drive to an interview, my car is on empty. What about in March when my car insurance runs out? Where will I get the five hundred and whatever dollars that insurance costs for 6 months? I'm just totally fucked. Even if I do ever find a job, I'm still going to be so far behind moneywise. I'm the type of person that hates being in debt. I won't spend a dime on anything until I pay off all of that $18,000. That will literally take me maybe 3 or 4 years with a job that has decent pay and hours. I'll be 27, working at McDonalds or something, no college education, girlfriend, and still living at my parents' house (that is if we still even have this place). It's horrible. I feel sick just thinking about what's going to happen in the next 1-3 months. Things might change drastically again. All of this being said, I don't regret quitting my job at Sam's Club in North Carolina and driving cross-country for a week and a half. Even if it did get my kicked out and ruined my life from that point on. Fuck it. That trip was so spiritual and life-changing. I've never felt as one with the road and the planet as I did then. Just me, my car, and the entire country. So much freedom, it's intoxicating. Now I feel trapped here again; in small-town Imlay City. I could leave if I wanted but without gas, cash, or credit, I wouldn't even make it to the next town over. Fucking sucks. Someone help me. Someone save me. Before I do something even crazier. I bought a MacBook Pro when I moved back that was $2500. Should I sell it? It's literally my only source of entertainment or happiness. I would lie curled up inside of my sleeping bag for 24 hours a day if I didn't have my MacBook. That and I could sell my car but it's my first car that I've ever owned and I feel so connected to it after it took me across this country. *sigh* Life sucks. It sucks even more knowing with utmost certainty that things are going to get a hell of a lot worse really soon. I can't even afford to drink away the pain. This is all so troublesome to me that I don't know if I'll be able to get any sleep tonight, maybe a few hours in the morning. Dammit. |
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| mood: awful |
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