BLACKBLOODBERRY / NHEURIST


XTINE | madara
GOD. JESUS.
vkei, jrock, the Gazette, etc.
the idiot box, the flat semi-idiot box
pets, real / virtual
pseudoscience .. fascinating stuff.
hates scurrying animals, selective exaggeration
the world's not black or white. it's a UFO.
YM: disleqxia | yuumerii
E-MAIL: reii
FSTR: nheurist



Zeroeth Day

7th Jul 2011 - Subscribe

Plain airy day, not very much of a summer. I was hoping for just a good day -- a beautiful, so-so one; unlike months ago when every inch of me hoped for the best. Thirty minutes ago, I was seated at the very rear of the jeepney, almost immobile. I was thinking of a lot of things -- movies, workload, people.. those which would not really help except for making my mind preoccupied. I held the paper bag firmly with my right hand.

"Para ho", my heart skipping a beat yet again. The jeep stopped next to a Chinese fast food chain. I got down the vehicle with my legs shaking a bit. I let out a formidable sigh, one that I had wished exhaled all fears that lingered inside my head, or twitched in my throat. Walking past stores and sidewalk vendors, I found myself talking to a lady guard under the "AIMS" building name.I asked her if she could help me find the person I was looking for. Although she was hesitant at first, she was still helpful. "Pamilyar yung pangalan niya", she said. I felt nervous. She phoned another person and asked him about the name. "Nasa kabilang building daw siya. Diretso, tapos 'pag nakita mo yung 7-11, kanan ka". Somehow I felt relieved. I thanked her and went off.

As I was nearing the place, I can't help but have my fears elevated. I met another bunch of guards and asked them the same thing. They asked me things back. "Mahirap 'yan, maraming estudyante dito, hindi pwedeng isa-isahin yung mga kwarto kasi bawal yun eh". My hopes went down again. I was praying real hard, God knows how. The guards were pretty accommodating however, I had to thank them for that. I was allowed to sit on a monobloc chair next to two officers and one of their inferiors.

---

tbc

YYX: shy


Don't toggle your own quarterback.

6th Sep 2010 - Subscribe

I feel desperately alright, if that's your question. I keep finding my position in a place where I am not wanted, the root of it all lies under the mystery of the halved 20-peso bill, the effing 20-peso bill, if I had remembered it right.

I remember the other day when I was thinking of throwing that sick money, realizing I had nothing to do with it, and still ending up in keeping it in my bag, one of the most stupid ideas I can still marvel on.

YYX: schizophrenic


superfreak.

17th Jul 2010 - Subscribe

Sometimes I wish everything I feel is just made up of friends, friends, friends. 'Cause there're just some things you aren't capable of doing or feeling without them. The same nature goes with air, it's what you breathe, and you won't know its worth until it's out of your system. So what am I getting at this time? Of course, they're not perfect, and I could live without them (making their difference with the word 'air' a little distant). Well I realized I'm just so lucky that among all people on earth, I'm one of those blessed with people around me with whom I don't feel alone.

VIDEOKE V1.00000

Troy + Milet + Joe + Me

Troy has a weird choice of songs, really.

= Superfreak (we'd really gone bonkers)
= Elevation (we elevated like we took ecstasy)
= Stan (tongue-twister!! at least the rest of us were saved from the tongue-doom)

distracted apparently by rounds of brown-out all over SM, making Joe and Milet shout "Patrick" with the 'R' emphasized in tones and ways you can imagine while waiting for the WOF staff to resume our disturbed enjoyment.

Anyway, I don't know where my journal had gone, there are two possible answers to that: either I had left it on our previous home, or I had misplaced it for the nth time. Now the circumstance is that I cannot even do something when I don't have anything to do.. consequently drowning me into thoughts that I would have preferred ignored. But they're just the ones that are too insistent.

YYX: zesty


melancholy

30th May 2010 - Subscribe

i don't know what to say. i don't know what to type, either. currently, i'm watching this all-time favorite The Godfather, seeing I have nothing to do besides stare on the monitor until I get red-eyed.

I'm pretty lucky vacation will be extended, and classes will be starting on June 15. (I mean 16 for us.)

Although I'm still upset with that fucking 5 grade, I'm still trying to cover up for that loss by concentrating on a few more interesting things, such as books. Well I just finished Pagan Babies, and it was well too good it actually helped me feel better a little -- I liked how the crime was plotted by a priest. This is becoming my first ever favorite.

Aside from that, I'm also watching a few anime (again), without any intention of finishing any: Hunter X Hunter and Blood+. I hope it's reasonable enough that I have a bad feeling about these eyes due to too much exposure to radioactive things given off by this monitor. What can I do about it.

And another thing. Gah. The SSD catastrophe is not yet overrrrrrrrrr! So we'll still be holding a few meetings for error-trapping and modifications on design (which was heavily criticized during our final defense).

//

I do not think I'm still hoping for that, you know, AB thing. Presently, I'm feeling melancholic over a lot of things that try to disturb my oh-so happy life to be thinking about crappy patties. But we'll get over it.

Hey! Get, get, get over it. Get over it...

YYX: grr


so why? i don't know either. enrollment day today.

24th May 2010 - Subscribe

after weeks of straight hell, here we are, we're doing a little revenge over that stupid pit we plunged into. enrollment isn't over yet, since we still have to pay for the fees and everything. i'm getting short of money again, but thanks to work, i hope i could get myself busy with you in the remaining days of summer.

last night i got hooked up with watching Hunter X Hunter. i know it's somehow stupid, but my memory's too weak i couldn't even remember the plot of the story. anyway, it's good watching it. I managed to finish five episodes, focusing on my work a little in-between.

-------------------------------------------------

enrollment day today. hell, i'm still stuck with the 1D section, but at least i'm still with my friends. i got an amazing 5.00 grade in DBMS II which is -- something i should get over with. i'll take it next sem, maybe. i dunno. well somehow, i expected that. my 1-month work in NCO has caused all the major fault for it, and there's no point in regretting or blaming it to anyone other than myself. or sounding defensive at all.



YYX: whatever.


the feeling

15th May 2010 - Subscribe

---

x: sabi ko sa'yo di naman niya napapansin yun e.
c: onga eh.
x: bat mo ba kase naisip na alam niya?
c: kase sabi ni Carlos eh haha.
x: haha ganun? pano naman niya nalaman na alam ni **?
c: eh kase sabi niya malakas makaramdam ang mga lalaki.
x: hindi rin, depende pa rin sa tao yun.
c: kase daw malakas instinct ng mga lalaki.
x: wag ka maniwala dun.
c: hehe sige na nga.

Know the feeling when you have a friend to rely on? It's one of the happiest things you'd miss in life if you don't have one. To You, JK.

---

Prank.

Though I'm really happy that he's been joining us these past few days, I can't neglect the fact that it's not really worth it. Yeah, it's all for my benefit, but this is just a heck of shit. The feeling.. should be rejected, somehow. I hope I could figure out how to do that. Sooner.


YYX: indeed.


refuting the indecision

2nd May 2010 - Subscribe

Well it isn't just like that -- I'm going to try to "neutralize" the situation (if there is any), and I am going to try for the first time. However, before doing the initiative for that, I think I'll need to be given advice from a few trustworthy friends do I could deal with this more smoothly. It's not like I'm going to do this because I don't feel anything anymore, I just missed the way we were -- before I had a thing for him. When he was always laughing and joking with our circle, when he was all smiles, when we were bonding like he has been with us for a long time. It wasn't a very long time, but it seemed like that. And all of those I missed, just because I've been selfish and all that.

So why did I come up with this decision? (Hey, ain't I reading?) One thing aside from what I've mentioned above is that.. oh there's nothing. I just really missed the way we were.

I don't know if he already has any idea with this whatsoever. Anyway, I don't think I'd like it if ever he knew. I want things to stay as they are. Although I'm beginning to think he's sensing strange stuff going on, as I start to seem aloof (but I'm trying to be normal), and I sensed this last Friday, when he kept on approaching our SSD team -- and I kept moving away. When class was dismissed and he was on the door, I caught glance of him looking our way, with which I immediately broke my stare at him. His face was like "I wonder what's wrong", and after realizing he was also caught off-guard, he went out -- I ought to think the question was still at hand.

So what did he do to make things like this? No, you're not the one to blame. It is I.

YYX: self-conscious


WITH WHICH I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.

25th Apr 2010 - Subscribe

I imagine you, like what you've been in my dreams.

In reality, I know we cannot stay that way. Seriously, I've been dreaming of him for about a week now. [slash daydreaming! 8D]

~Melancholic x Pathetic mode nyahaha. Di bagay saken.

But somehow, I decided I cannot just keep these perturbing thoughts by myself (hell I'm gonna go real crazayy with that), so I keep it with two trustworthy friends. They're the ONLY ones (as far as I know) who know about this aside from this loveable blog. So far, I guess I'm not abusing their part into being my sooner-in-the-future shock-absorbers XD.

However, I try to lessen the contact. Know what that means? Last Friday, Troy has this "The Great Magic Show" (Irony in its finest. Peace!), and "we" had been his audience. I was laughing not just because of the hilarity of the whole coin magic thing, since I know Troy would be doing deceptive stuff just to make the show "real"; but I was also laughing because I cannot grasp of any legal reaction while he was standing beside me, watching the little show. And although he'd been talking to me, it seemed like I cannot hear him, I cannot understand what he's trying to say; all I know is that he was smiling -- the one that's always stuck in my memory. Along with that came my sudden loss in understanding Troy, and what he was emphasizing about the coin and his elbows and his hands deceiving my eyes momentarily.

And everytime that person's strumming the guitar, making a rhythm, speaking, or just passing by, I cannot dare look at him anymore, 'cause I am afraid of what will be the next part he will be playing in my life.. or that, if there would be any.

The AB.

YYX: i dunno with meh -__0


THE NERVE.

4th Apr 2010 - Subscribe

it's rare that i hope for signs regarding soul mates and the kind, since i am kinda skeptical of such things -- reasons are prevailed by the thought that things aren't going to go my way, which is, very childish and uncouth. in the end, most of the time i'm left waiting, not knowing who is gonna come when, or what is gonna happen where.

last night (or should i say very early this morning) i agreed (with myself lol) to refute this indecision, not only because of hopes, but also because i want to prove how much i trust YOU, i much i have faith in YOU. well, i'm living for more than 19 years now, and nothing's gonna hurt if i made this decision anyway. I already failed uncountable times, and those experiences kept me standing.

Tomorrow, starting 9 AM, whoever is wearing a black shirt (plain or printed but not stripes), will... well, be at least a clue.

I really don't know why i came up with the "black shirt" thing, but I guess that's the most identifiable idea. Hell, that's the easiest. But then, I don't know why I was not sure of this thought, why it kept me awake for minutes until something was shouting in my mind to change it the black to orange. Black = Orange? Orange? wtf? wtf, really? Because honestly, that color hardly interested me since i believe it's a very unideal one, or more likely a dull one. It kept on disturbing my mind, anyway so I decided it would be black or orange, since I cannot eliminate the black for unknown reasons.

Tomorrow, starting 9 AM, whoever is wearing a black or orange shirt (plain or printed but not stripes), will... well, be at least a clue.

I always expected that one friend to wear black, because that was a common outfit to both of us, so I'm not really surprised, and btw since that's the case, he's not included in the instinctive selection.

But some unexpected person was wearing orange.

YYX: bemused


FAR AWAY.

25th Feb 2010 - Subscribe

I thought I could just ignore your existence to eliminate my hopes, to cease believing.
But I conceived it's just wrong-thought after all.


I see you drawing near,
Everything is crystal clear,
I dream and dream of you,
Its all that i can do,

Knowing you exist,
I almost wish i dont
Even when youre in front of me,
You are far away, yet so close...


- From Schizo. Thanks.

~SAD is an overflowing catastrophe!

YYX: hated


I GOT PWNED.

20th Feb 2010 - Subscribe

Teh Age of Quantum! At the most inappropriate moment, I had a good time with friends.

Story:

With a schedule informed to us, Carlos and I met up at the train station in the morning, with me a little surprised to see him there, 'cause I was expecting him to be running after the train again bwahahah > : ) Anyway, we were in Buendia after less than 10 minutes, getting a hint by the bleachers that the others were not there. Checking the train schedules arriving at Buendia from South, we waited for a few more minutes until Chi arrived by the next train, excluding Troy and Russ. It was about 8 AM when we spotted Camil near an eatery and internet cafe, while looking for the other two (whom we suspected to have rented on the cafe), and then saw them some distance away with the presumption bright in their faces.

Even beforehand, we already knew that the agency won't be open until around 10 AM, so we still spun around a little; rented for 30 minutes in a nearby cafe; talked about presidentiables, dirty democracy, corrupt officials, congressmen, bets, whys, hows, whos and specific people shouting out their yeah blah blahs whatsoever; with them convincing me; with me still undecided to vote. I can laugh at this soooo hard.

Past some unexact time, when everyone got bored of politics - I assume, we decided to afford the BUY 10 GET 10 at Quantum (or was that WOF?), which is, so demnnn cooool. Bwahaha. I played Capcom VS Marvel on my first token, while the rest were unplanningly spent on approximately 30 songs (!), including the ones that we bought when Troy was getting hyped up with Videoke thing. Then they got hooked up (*the word "they" is not really a defense mechanism tool XD). We were lucky enough to not have forgotten the meetup with our client, (although we almost did) so we rushed our way back and did what we were SUPPOSED to come there for. The talk lasted only for a short while, and after that, I got a chance to play Slithice which was rather lame - I always got pwned. XD

We ended up going separate paths, with Chi buying a 35-peso-crusher at Mang Inasal, and me buying Baby-Z (with which I was reprimanded for not buying the more-practical-Regular-sized one). Haha. Ok go. We're done. I feel tired. Tomorrow is another day. Although today is reeeeeeeeal fun.

YYX: fun


sigh when not feeling right.

19th Feb 2010 - Subscribe

How should I feel then?

When you said those words, they felt like the most real things I had ever heard. Or were they just in my mind?

Why? :|

YYX: misanthropic


WHY HALLO THUR.

1st Feb 2010 - Subscribe

Well actually this is not the latest entry, since the other two were not simply appearing, and I have no idea why. Either I was having Internet problems when they were submitted, or they don't really matter, so they just weren't worth posting at all (Are blog hosts actually able to detect that too? Technology, really. Lol). And although away from technicality and reality, I think I'd buy the second reason.

Last paycheck this afternoon! 'll be withdrawing after 3 days XD XD XD. Valentine's is near. So is my 19th year on earth. Gyaaaaa. Wtf I'm getting older. Do I celebrate getting old? Geez. Hahah.

College Week is also near. (Huh? What are you talking about? I don't think we DO have that kind of thing. Hahah.)

I wish I don't seem like some crazy idiot laughing all throughout this entry. Maybe I somehow forgot that our second mock defense happens on Wednesday. Which is, like, the time to defend our liiiiiives. Heh.

(Let me see if you could laugh your screws out with that.)

YYX: abnormal


resolve. friends.

23rd Oct 2009 - Subscribe

there, in a couple of days that followed, the urge of truncating the mystery of my lone, i am TRULY deprived.

i could have asked why, but then again, i thought of refusing. more than selfishness, more than hatred, more than anything else, i want to still feel free...and have hopes.

i am shutting down my website in a week's time. pretty annoying that i can't get back into things until i own my very own (Dear GOD, YOU know when) eltop.

-------------------***----------------------

yeah. friends. i have. but at some edge of your life, you'll realize you'll be needing at most one person to care for you, to laugh your heart out with, to whom you stretch out your smile for, to whom almost all your wishes are bound...forgive me if i'm cruel. i'm just feeling so unreal.

Today (mind the people reading over), i feel jealous. i miss someone.

yeah, i also miss people.

fellow, i want to watch you
everyday of my life.
how i ever wished
you exist.

YYX: blissful


swefdskoitpgxzzzyyy.

28th Sep 2009 - Subscribe

-- out of words, enough not to speak.

i've a day to do php for the site. *_____ * poor skills.

whutdoayeeedo...

YYX: bleh


POISON

31st Aug 2009 - Subscribe

and here i cannot think of a better title. the word just crossed my mind.

poison. it is a poison. the concoction of indescribable feelings, its origin unknown, its effect pandemic, itself a curse, at the same time paradise. it is what i seek. it is what i cannot find.

//
so to say, i'm a bit sleepy. good afternoon world, my eyes falling good night.

ATM - watching a movie
an hour earlier - thinking of what to do
2 hours earlier - eating lunch
6 hours earlier - journeyed onto the alleys of baclaran

a day before, i had this dream. one of those i can hardly forget. well maybe at this point, but at sometime later i'll come to realize it's just a dream after all. nothing is certain to happen in reality... just like any other.

SUNDAEEEE~ why do i have to be deprived from having one??? bleeeh. later later...


YYX: repulsed


plain idioms don't come at hand.

5th Jul 2009 - Subscribe

i used to think and prejudge that, for some reason, i am alive not because i was destined to, rather because there are things i ought to fulfill, give life to, accomplish...admonish. but in some errie atmosphere while thoughts of the past rush back to me beforehand, i definitely feel hurt almost as if physical.

in a vague pursuance of meeting a deadly phase of evolution, i grudgingly leave all myself behind, cause it'd be better, i thought so. yet in the process of resolve, as seemingly, it occured to me i could be someone in a much better way -- not residing in someone else's shadow, or walking at another person's phase, with the same deadpan face or the same brown eyes, all of which but i never had, and could never ever compliment my benign idiocy, except if i laugh it off and take another stupefying idea of inequity; yeah. i should just laugh it off.

through my own fetid sense [or belief, or principle, however it could count], i'd rather be classified pathetic than irrevocably announce i'm something more than this physical, earthen anatomy, which is mine, yours, and everyone else's.

tbc. stupid is the time i cannot even finish this shit.

---

now, there is this piece i have to mind. i'm in such a vivid discourse, i'm returning in DA in a short while. i missed a lot [although i'm a regular subscriber and uh, a thief xP]. i've but a few linearts on the way, most of which i haven't finished yet because i cannot. dumb skills. i've never let anxieties go against me. the fact that i needed hope for minimizing dissatisfaction is soooo pursuing.

'll mind things later.

---

5 days after July 14, i'm appending some status in this entry. this is an issue of in-between boredom and excitement -- which is, seemingly ironic on the context.

YYX: ditched


drain again

3rd Jul 2009 - Subscribe

I hold you in my hands
A little animal
And only some dumb idiot
Would let you go
But if I'm one thing
Then that's the one thing
I should know
Can anybody find their home
Out of everyone
Can anybody find their home

I hold you in cupped hands
And shield you from a storm
Where only some dumb idiot
Would let you go

But if I'm one thing
Then that's the one thing
I should know
Can anybody find their home

Sunshine.
If there's anything else I would want to find,
It is YOU.

YYX: swell


yea totally.

1st Jul 2009 - Subscribe

two weeks out in school is such a traffic.

but if you're talking about less of some things that could bring nothing but the usual uh -- amalgam of crashing nerves or paranoia of the kind, well, maybe schooling could be a different thing.

i'm gradually pissed off somehow, my flash drive is but a 256-MB wtf-how-could-it-be-of-any-help blah. [and to add up, it has another 256MB of trojan, worm, autorun, etc.] i badly looove it. sry, in a few days from now [after i could find any replacement], i think i will have to trash this shit for the predicable reasons.

more and more and pile of hws and related stuff or shit. if ever i'm gonna die one or two days after, the reasons are either giving up on these unwanted subjects or pretty much about another aspect that STILL keeps on displeasing me. neh, i just mean i don't want to talk about it anyhow. plus, i'm looking forward to my dslr wishu again xP. so i don't think i have to die immediately until i've fulfilled it.. or a part of it. got another damn from haikyo. they can't be helped.

meh is taking a nap latah. DND. blek.

YYX: eh


truth

22nd Jun 2009 - Subscribe

inasmuch as prevalence of emotional stupor is concerned, with rather low point of stability in whichever way, i have gone farther way from the realities which i believed existed, but in some sense gradually disappeared and brought along nothing but vague options of pursuing and such. apparently, i have last brought myself to the point where i should decide either to keep living in the same pace, or change something in between those steps should i consider it for better. and then, if ever what'd happen could be any worse, i'll never stop at urging myself to add other options in the space. for one, i'll give my mind a time to hibernate and move away a distance. unfair? yea really.

such busy weeks are coming over, i guess. school is but predominant. ~~~

YYX: squishy


obscure

16th May 2009 - Subscribe

lacking the mood of writing about whatnot, i'm starting to give myself the low-down of what could i've been feeling right now, unless i can tell it to someone else -- but that's utterly impossible as no one (not even the closest friends) would understand you, just yourself. i'm inspired by some ideas of resolve from another friend, as i read her thoughts through. the things that confuse me, they weren't so ideal after all. i failed at realizing that it was a mere misconception that everything's unfair. the truth is, the evenness is always present. apparently, it's for you to come up with. either visually, or subliminally. and without much perseverance, i arrived at the conclusion that maybe, the lies that i conceived to avoid the persistence of unlikely emotions were barely the cause of bluntness all along.

i have deprived -- i don't know what, but i've deprived something in my nerve to do whatever it wanted. although i lived so normal, and became a little detached from reality for a while, and sometimes hated life, i still felt cared for. such sense that could only keep me alive.

i have always believed anyone could just turn me down.

i cannot believe myself.

YYX: surreal


say how much

10th May 2009 - Subscribe

insensibly, there is much to mind. like when i can't care about anything else but how to live, more than the physical capability of survival. doubtless, all these exist through a common cause that somehow i'd prefer to keep to myself, even though it gives me the headache all the while. without a goal, i live. the purpose is left in the atmosphere, several of it thrown into sublime thoughts, and the most that i could ever do is wait. well in time, everything'll come out fine.

YYX: woo. to the sea.


survey.

6th May 2009 - Subscribe

Were you single on your last birthday?
~ yeh.

Will tomorrow be better than today?
~ how i wish.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/ upset?
~ depends on the situation.

Who was the last person you talked to the phone?
~ gran.

Did the last person who hurt you, ever apologize?
~ i prefer he didn't.

Any plans for this weekend?
~ wish i could sleep the whole day. cause i'm a lot deprived...

What are you listening to?
~ Talk Shows on Mute - Incubus

Are you a mean person?
~ dunno.

Do you get stressed out easily?
~ not really.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn't?
~ lot of times. i didn't have the guts. there won't be much difference, anyway.

Do you wear glasses?
~ no.

What is wrong with you right now?
~ i'm kinda short of two weeks' money. --_--

Have you ever attempted to count to a million?
~ not even a thousand.

Can you hula hoop?
~ never wished i could.

Tell me what's on your mind?
~ nothing much. ehr, where to get allowance, i guess? lol.

If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
~ dunno.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
~ ...present?

How long does it take you in the shower?
~ 20 mins? i'm poor at estimates so i won't really know...

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do it again?
~ yeh.

Have you done anything bad recently?
~ change the bad to good. nehlol. dunno.

When was the last time you laughed?
~ when dy was around. that was almost two days ago.

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
~ neva da mind.

Ever been called heartless?
~ not yet.

Do you get distracted easily?
~ not really. unless the distraction is a sundae hot fudge. xD

Is it easier to forgive or forget?
~ to..forget...

What is your favorite eye color on the opposite sex?
~ blue bwahaha

Can you handle the truth?
~ at times when the truth is inevitably unnacceptable, you still have a life. you have to go for it.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
~ yea. i guess.

What's been bothering you lately?
~ money problems parin. i hate repeating myself.

Who was your last text to?
~ jeizeru hirata.

What is your current mood?
~ normal.

What's your brother's name?
~ i have three. del, den, jay.

Is there anyone you would do anything for?
~ yea.

What do you think about when you fall asleep?
~ that i need it badly.

What are you doing right now?
~ watching a movie.

Who do you trust?
~ GOD. JESUS. my mum.

What is your favorite kind of weather?
~ the weather atm.

Are you someone who worries too often?
~ not really.

What was the first thing you did this morning?
~ thought of why was it raining..?

Are you usually a happy person?
~ ...

Are there any people who don't like you?
~ perhaps.

What color shirt are you wearing?
~ blue.

What was your reaction to the last text you received?
~ happiness above the normal without much physical extortion.

Last thing you ate?
~ sweet n sour tilapia. wew.

Last thing you drank?
~ h20.

Are you happy right now?
~ normal.

If you married the last person you texted,what would your last name be?
~ whut? prefer not thinking about it.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
~ everyday i feel happy.

Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
~ heh. they seem normal today. i wonder why.

Where were you yesterday?
~ work.

YYX: motivated


how disturbing

1st May 2009 - Subscribe

so what kind of life do i really have? subtle illusions. they do exist. followed by the mere fact that you don't lose anything 'cause you got nothing to lose. how do i start getting away from dreams? not to mention, it's good having hopes. it's bad when you realize they're just hopes after all. XO i'm feeling sleepy but i have a lot to mind...

i don't oversleep. it's just that cold nights are better spent with friends-in-the-becoming. although sometimes, i don't get the luck at all. like last night, when i found myself suddenly telling this semi-freaky (at least that's how it seemed with the way they reacted) lameshit story i got into when i was 10 (or so). i never expected they would be fussing too much about that later that night lol.

it's bad that i don't learn too soon. how annoying that my wishes are always left unanswered. most of the time i'm already sounding absurd to myself, cause i feel frustrated that i can't get a hint of whatever's happening around. less, inside me. hatred dislikes me, i'm shallow. really...

you're gonna die sooner you won't even notice it.

shit.

YYX: Incubus - Drive


not to go insane.

30th Apr 2009 - Subscribe

should i be sad? no, not really. unless mcdo sundae hot fudge tastes bad because of the fuckn weather.


cannot fake it though.

YYX: sane


cannot fail another time

29th Apr 2009 - Subscribe

would i mind the inequity brought to me? i thought for a hundred times that i made up my mind on something, these ideas that disturb me won't even take the way for any difficulties i had to face. recently, i've been feeling so ignored, although i give back the unconcerning just to prove that i can give them shit like hell. irrational eh? there's more to that.

i don't know what to say. everything's given since my first breath, and i had to deal with everything i have. but what if i lost it all? i don't think i have to cry for such a reason, it's dumb. hell, yeah. but it's not easy when EVERYTHING's just becoming dumb, cause you cannot cry for anything else. i had to give way... i cannot lie anymore. yet i remain indifferent.

WAIT. sure. like for ages? i'm not saying i really need to, but hey, sometime in my life i think i have to prove my worth in this world. or at least, someone would do it for me. all this time, i know You know every bit of me. that i sing of melancholy when these anticipations cross my mind, that when i cannot cry my heart out i almost want to die? You know every second of my life. like when i said, "i cannot die yet" my hands were trembling with either fear or guilt, that i reside against what the world conforms so that i may have my own world. or planet. i wish i had my own.. i don't wish to be like this everyday. prove my worth, whoever you are selfish monster. my soulseeker. i don't think i'll be able to find you anymore..i need you. HE brought this sullen face to love you next to Him. my faith turns me down from knowing you. tell me my life..and i'll tell you yours...i cannot fail another time.. i need you to catch my soul and offer yours..

You'd know even if i don't shout? let me hold back my last plea. i'm down. but tomorrow, it's a different day...

YYX: i need HIM. will You?


all the things you hold

26th Apr 2009 - Subscribe

to begin with, i have no idea what to write about today although things aren't going so smooth as i've imagined, and it's a lot practical if i won't be writing down anything at the moment. in contrast though, i prefer to speak up for certain things cause i can't afford being bothered by these in the near future (unless situations get easy). or maybe i'm just less frustrated.

i'm feeling agitated. dull and bland emotions keep on walking through my veins like it were some memorable part they can't get over with. the last time apathy ran through me like hell, i was almost identical from a freak. the difference was -- nothing much. aiming for nothing is inadequate. somehow, i have to realize a thought and rediscover myself. i need a cure for that...

for one, i badly need an asset. a talker. (whut?) more than a mere companion. i don't need nice words. have them REAL. nah.

i'm not missing anyone i wonder why. why-o-y. maybe i'm still hooked up at trying to think and care for myself hours a day, considering i've but a few more chances of making my plans and wishes fail. in the end, regrets are still inevitable. nothing more to say..i guess i'm just a little crazeh.

YYX: i'm cramped.


not so serious.

19th Apr 2009 - Subscribe

ahshitfuckingpeoplearepissingmeoffagain.

deleted my plurk account for the second time. headache again. it doesn't leave me anyway. haven't eaten since 1 pm, ain't hungry. mind's flying in a hurry. i miss my friends but i want money. can't sleep. ain't able to sleep so well last night. annoyed at some people i won't bother mentioning. just finished parakiss and it's soooooooo pretty. can't think of anything that makes sense. i'm feeling so upset i almost can't understand anything right now. want chuck. yea, want chuck. *dejavu of a tongue twister.

man, i don't want to be so cruel. even if i'm used with this unusual changing of mind, i still can't get over certain things. i don't know why. whatever...HALO. smart suspiria. just finished the poster btw. but we'll have to work on the acronym soon.

it's so bland i thought i can't be feeling any dull anymore. annoyance has brought me to go beyond apathy somehow...la.. can't keep up to the flow of the world. no, but everything's so real. in less than a minute you could die. there's no such thing as reincarnation, but your mind is always there to make it. the nerve. anyway, i have to get back to my senses. although i'm still confused why several things have to end up this way, seeing that these past few days failure just knocks me off like hell. but i'm trying what i'm able to do. to the point of forgetting more relevant things that might bring me down worst any day now.

perhaps, this is the best that I CAN do. talk to YOU. i know i haven't done much for you to give back whatever i have given in the same (or higher) magnitude. who am i anyway to question You? all i ask is for you to trust me, to lead me. though i know everyday you are always there. many times i cried and no one ever knew, but still i felt i had to be strong for myself, not for anyone else. i had to go this way and you'd keep my arms attached. although sometimes i dwelt in skepticism and chances and i hated the world for whatever reason brought by my irrationality, i felt comforted in the least. but now, what i'm asking of YOU is something you'd ask me to wait for. yet i would want to see him now. it's not that i'm feeling this is the right time, but i just need someone other than a friend. or tell me i'm demented. maybe then i'd be smiling an evil'r smile again.

YYX: PEACE.


when things go worse

16th Apr 2009 - Subscribe

without much apprehension or so, i am thinking of all the possible things that could be inferred from the recent obstructions i already have been seeing since. no wonder, if i were ever born as evil-turned-out as someone else, i could already have been labeled a kira at this moment, even if i have no previous experiences of being one -- maybe i'd prefer having some.

i hate the fact that i'm feeling perturbed with certain things that don't really give a damn. during the last seconds i cried, there was a deep frustration and amalgamation of suppressed emotions that could, (although i wish won't) take part for another change of mind.

they don't give a fuck. men, have a life.

all this time, i try not to speak when things go worse, thinking that would be the best to do, so to eliminate hurting someone else other than myself. and even when i felt absurd, i had to go beyond the moment and turn my mind to other things. saving myself from burden is such a dull reason. it's still a reason though. until recently i haven't realized i was wrong.

it was a false move, i was trying to be apathetic when i cannot really do that, to think that all i hear and see couldn't really be ignored. all of the apathy has left me now, and i feel worse that everything i tried to get away from has proven their existence to me more than ever. i'm back to my old, ugly self...

i thought i could be apathetic. omit the a it's more like it.

YYX: neverdamind.


belligerent

11th Apr 2009 - Subscribe

awesome.

hey ~ i got myself a new blog xD. only to break the usual. i've lots of wants these days. can't be helped.

been thinking of random stuff lately, without any serious attempts of pursuing whatever plans might ever strike me in the face. i liked the idea of putting up our org -- stuff such that. although honestly i hated the exaggerations they've barely added to it. i'm not totally skeptical about the idea, but the way it was spilled just didn't give it any nice shot, much less -- a motion to prove the worth of it.

boredom has plainly found its ideal place around me. and it doesn't even help a bit. although when i come across this kind of point, i don't suppress the urge to get the hell out of it..

well yeah, my phone has reincarnated, although it could have been better dead. i'm kinda trying to stay positive about it somehow -- even if its only worth is any cell phone's worth at the moment. and could be much less than that.

what again? now, i'm giving it a low-down. last friday i was so shitbored with my life that sleeping was almost inevitable, unless when you've already slept all day and there's nothing else left to do but to -- well, sleep again. thanks a lot, i was not deprived to for the first time, i think . it was pretty odd, but what's the worth of a phone if it has nothing to do? i think it needs some fix and stuff. so there, my imaginative senses presided over and after a few weak and stupid guesses -- my sim card was finally blocked.

wtf. now i really hate it when my queer thoughts rule over. of course, there's nothing really much to regret about. i could buy a new one, that is. and it's not so hard to copy my all my contacts from phone to sim mem. *sigh. but it's unfascinating when things go bad...

staring at my phone now, i think i like it just the way it is..there's nothing else to fix..

YYX: mood is inadequate.