My Friends: flaming, tear, s0rry
My Blogs Next Page


tear Reflection. - Subscribe

No more please.

Sometimes I can't understand my mind.

Sometimes, I think I can understand my mind, but I can't.

Sometimes I do understand my mind.

I do understand myself though. I do understand my feelings and emotions.

Sometimes these feelings and emotions feel so big sometimes there too hard to understand.

0 Comments
Mood: intrigued

tear I dislike being alone. Oct 4th, 2008 3:07:21 am - Subscribe
So I guess today is one of those days
and tonight is one of those nights

I'll smoke a thousand ciggerates and leave my thoughts behind.

I'll take a few pictures, of my face, body and hands. Pretend that there's folks with me, that I'm laughing not feeling sad.

Coughing my lungs out, while I slam the telephone into the door. Strumming a perfect guitar, thinking these lonely nights are not so bad.

But I'll smile because I'm used to this. Being lonesome listening to the radio. These friday nights make me feel weaker, even though I'm stronger inside.

2 Comments
Mood: insane

tear Modest Mouse is great. Jun 22nd, 2008 5:06:50 am - Subscribe

Is this secultion, isolation? I'm really not sure. Anymore.
2 Comments
Mood: jinxed

tear So true right now. Jun 20th, 2008 7:36:33 am - Subscribe

You know what? I think you're too stable for both your dad and your mom. I think they are pulling you down.

Like your parents are not bad people, don't think I am saying that.

But I think you have your own .. self, and they are trying to pull you in opposite directions.

And it's fucking confusing you emotionally
Tiffany and Ramsay says:
If they left you alone to sort shit out, I so think you'd be happy

<3
0 Comments
Mood: dizzy

tear An old poem Jun 17th, 2008 8:08:14 am - Subscribe
Kill your beauty

Your Royal fucking heighness awaits

Upon the toadstools

Around the corners

off every forien block

awaits your prince

to take you away

too hollywood street

white powder

nose candy

(oh your so lucky, oh your so lucky)

airbrushed face

her sweet escape

Venice Beach

faces in the sand

making you glad

for the friends you never had

{oh your so lucky, yeah your fucking lucky}

into the ocean

wash away

purple drips

from your veins

watch them swell

oh watch them well
0 Comments
Mood: royal

tear Running out of ciggerates, running out of my new found youth. Jun 16th, 2008 5:42:04 am - Subscribe

Alchohalic demons
sweet tempations
yeah they run through my kind; Of stepped on grass, broken glass, no class.
We ladies are easy to find

The demon at my door step
Livin' no more than 2 kilomanters ahead

They run through my head
I want a drink this second
Theres a man sleeping in my bed

My veins are virgin viens, never been tampered with.
Only dreams, with sweet needles, pricking, making itself home again.
I'm howling in my sleep
the demons at my doorstep again.

( Do not fucking steal)
0 Comments
Mood: bummed

tear I need to breathe this out someway, somehow. May 23rd, 2008 7:47:28 am - Subscribe
Ah yes.
The age of Seventeen, Becoming Eighteen. Into a women. I feel like such a child sometimes. Then again, I'm really connected to my inner child. Sun is finally here, more and more each day. Not sure what to make of it lately. The heat, My birthday is in 3 months.

Life in itself.

The intensity is killing me
overwhelming back breaking me
These pills are doing too little, too much
For my unstaining mind. And this time seems to be going by so goddamn fast, The time that is slow, Highs and lows.


Although I find myself in verdigo. Standing still, but spinning; ill. The good ones never last for long, Wailing in the spring rain. Folks that never stay, never stay long, never fucking stay sane.

Fuck the lust, Fuck the love, Fuck the drugs and the powder, as my best friend is stiffing up her nose. This blows. From the second she brings him to her mouth. The blow it which she demands her indulges.


1 Comments
Mood: queasy

tear I'm going to try this. May 22nd, 2008 9:03:18 pm - Subscribe
Series of 100

This is for an art project, find an image, create an image, capture, photograph it.

1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light - [link]
4. Dark - [link]
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory - [link]
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile - [link]
15. Silence - [link]
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray - [link]
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night - [link]
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes - [link]
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead - [link]
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic - [link]
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red - [link]
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation
1 Comments
Mood: wrong

tear Wandering May 9th, 2008 11:21:14 pm - Subscribe

Wandering where my baby be
Mama smoked crack and my Daddy raped me
Slept outside on the living room porch
Ciggerate ashes from the night before
Wandering where my baby be
Broke a body and broke a door (Bloody doors)
1st Capo

Em

C

Do not steal.
0 Comments
Mood: spastic

tear Dawn. May 8th, 2008 6:24:50 am - Subscribe

Sooo. I feel as though. My depression has been kicking me in the ass for the past 3 weeks now, the usual feelings of hopelessness, self-pity, sadness, darkness, pain, cutting and suicidal thoughts.

I feel like I have tried so much and I have been through alot of pain. I don't want to die, I know that. Although at times I really do feel like ending my life and don't.

I've been through this much at more at almost 18 years old. I can get through this. I'm proud of myself for not yet giving up. Even waking up in the morning and going to school is an effort in itself.

However, If I don't strt helping myself get better now, things are going to be going downhill. I'm really grateful I reconize that.

For example, stop smoking a pack a day, get more active and walk. Walking really does help with the depression. Gets the endorphines out.

I have to take care of myself. In the end, all you have is yourslf. I must not give up, and I have to try harder. One day at a time. To get myself through this and so much more.
0 Comments
Mood: bewildered

tear Starry Starry night May 6th, 2008 7:34:19 am - Subscribe

I think about when I was a little girl
How I had that peace of mind
And playfulness and child innocense
up til about the age of 7.

10 years later...
0 Comments
Mood: powerless

tear rough song Apr 21st, 2008 7:35:39 pm - Subscribe
I drink my coffee black
I drink my coffee black
I've been through hell and back
Hot sweat Cold seat
Yeah I drink my coffee black
red eyes black eyes blue eyes
I've had my hell andback
look through picture frames and see your voice
and tear it back
cold seat hot sweat
were never running back
Drink your coffee black
drink your coffee black

Am G

D EM

Am G
1 Comments
Mood: gleeful

tear Lucky hell Mar 7th, 2008 7:25:46 am - Subscribe
Yeah you think your so fucking lucky
your so fucking lucky
I can feel the shakiness coming in again
cold heat
and hot sweats
are overflowing my body again

Yeah you think you've been through hell and back
hell is different for everyone
looking back
Red eyes, black eyes, and brown.
I see them all
I've have em hall
I'm not looking back

Yeah you think your so fucking lucky
I'm so fucking lucky
Cold room
Hot heat
Body tempature normal again
I begin to be free.
0 Comments
Mood: merry

tear Lightening doesn't hit the same spot twice. Feb 10th, 2008 7:19:44 am - Subscribe
I have really began to bond with my mother in a whole different way now. I like our relationship. She is feeling emotional lately, lots of emotions and ups and downs. Oh Mom, everything will be okay.

I feel so fucking attached to my mother. I don't really like staying over at my Dads place. She is going to Ontario in a couple of weeks to be with Nona, who is going to be doing her chemo. I want to be there so badely. To help care for my Nona, to see my family, to spend TIME with them. Last summer I didn't do that, I was too busy have my nervous breakdown and catching buses to random places, fuck me.

Not sure if I will be able to go with my mom to Ontario, she is thinking about it. I wouldn't doubt it if she says I can't go. God, I want to go so badely. Who knows how badly Nona's health is right now, and I would like to do everything I can to help her.

Also, I would feel so home sick to be away from my mom for that long. Its weird. Dreading my mother in the past and now feeling such closeness and missing my mommy. Haha.
1 Comments
Mood: doubtful

tear Fix her up Feb 7th, 2008 6:06:04 am - Subscribe


Hello Febuary, and all of its coldness, sun deprieved, rainy, weather, exhausted days.

I have not posted in a long time. Life is satisfactory, alright, good? Not much new in my head of mine. Had the worst hangover of my life last, which led me to laying in bed for the weekend barely touching food. Its okay now, because I feel better and my appetite is back. The downside, not being able to go to Karleys house for awhile. I really need to apolize to her mother soon.

Haven't been really proud of the paintings and art I have been doing, I have only done a couple 2 or 3, but for some reason I feel like just stomping them on the ground and spitting on top of each canvas.

I recently got my bridge pierced, in December. I love it. Dreadlocks are doing good. They do need work in the back though.

Its raining outside, and all I can really think of right now is way my ciggerates have this disguisting aftertaste now. Ciggerates taste gross in general.

And now my toe is bleeding.
1 Comments
Mood: pooped

tear Mind Dec 27th, 2007 6:09:53 am - Subscribe

And it occurs to me, that at this very moment, I do feel sad. I do feel a linger of depression coming closer and closer.

Please FUCK OFF
2 Comments
Mood: accepted

tear Rain Nov 20th, 2007 12:48:05 am - Subscribe

And so it is. Just like you said it would be.
0 Comments
Mood: woozy

tear Thoughts on how I'm excisting. Nov 17th, 2007 8:24:59 am - Subscribe

I'm not really impressed with the way I've been treating myself/taking careof myself lately. That definutly does not make me feel good, it makes me have and feel even lower about myself. Low Self-Esteem.

My depression has been worse this past week, very sad. Especially at nighttime. I think thats when alot of people tend to get more depressed, or there depression creeps up on them at night. That is especially when my bad bad bad thoughts come out.

I cut myself this week, only on one occasion. Cutting for me, is something that I feel will always be a part of me, not a large part of me, of who I'am, but a part of me. I have been dealing with self mutalation, cutting, for 3 years of my life now. Its like an addiction, your own secret, something that you carry around on your body, marks that you have put on yourself.

It is
hard to cry
, to let it out. When I used to cut every single day, that was my release, the rush, my OWN way of crying, the blood was my tears. Tears that just wouldn't come out of my eyes, to ease my soul.

Not getting to bed at a regular, functioning time. I usually fall asleep around 1 am, waking up around 9:30 or 10. It takes me a long time some nights to get to sleep.

Lonliness is a big issue. I have friends, I'm so grateful that I have them, they will be there for me, I will be there for them. I feel lonliness and
isolation within myself.
I just feel like crawling up in a ball and crying lately. Sometimes, I feel nothing atal with my emotions/depression. Pure Numbness.

Love.

Loving myself is definutly something I need to work on. I'm seeing this girl I really do like. I feel as though, she does not have the time for me, Is not all that interested. I feel she might still like her ex. And that frustrates me.

I just want to feel something.


Sometimes, I feel I'm not "cute" enough, pretty, enough, something enough.

I'm such a passionate person. I'm such a loving person. I care alot about people. All I need to do, is start caring about myself. Because only I can control how I feel, what I do, how I react. That is hard sometimes.

Stress has been a big thing to. Worrying about a dear friend, stressed out and angry about my Dad, Annoyed by my mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mother and Father.

Help. I'm seeing a rad counseller, I saw her today and we went to the Womens center, got panflets, then to the haven house. I feel a bit over fucking whelmed. Alot of paper, and stuff I need to read, feel out. Criminal Record check, etc. Phew, take a deep breathe Jen. Don't get to over your head.

Everything that is going on right now, Health, Love, Emotionally, Mentally, is alot to deal with and handle. I'm not complaining, bitching, I'm just writing about how I feel. Which Is something that I haven't done in a while.

This was a long post.
0 Comments
Mood: mixed

tear Just in General. Nov 11th, 2007 7:53:56 pm - Subscribe

I need someone who has time for me.
Who wants to get together with me, even when she is busy all the time. I need someone who likes me just as much as I do, and who is willing to make me feel special to them.

I need someone who is motivated, focused. I need someone who is loving, who will openly voice there opinions to me.

I need someone who is passionate, and loving, and open-minded.
3 Comments
Mood: blue

tear A tune Nov 11th, 2007 5:58:20 am - Subscribe

Sometimes I worry about my self
I think about this life
In which I hide, In which people hide
Then I look outside, and see bright eyes
From my friends, My friends, My friends.
0 Comments
Mood: blissful