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No more please. Sometimes I can't understand my mind. Sometimes, I think I can understand my mind, but I can't. Sometimes I do understand my mind. I do understand myself though. I do understand my feelings and emotions. Sometimes these feelings and emotions feel so big sometimes there too hard to understand. |
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So I guess today is one of those days and tonight is one of those nights I'll smoke a thousand ciggerates and leave my thoughts behind. I'll take a few pictures, of my face, body and hands. Pretend that there's folks with me, that I'm laughing not feeling sad. Coughing my lungs out, while I slam the telephone into the door. Strumming a perfect guitar, thinking these lonely nights are not so bad. But I'll smile because I'm used to this. Being lonesome listening to the radio. These friday nights make me feel weaker, even though I'm stronger inside. |
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Is this secultion, isolation? I'm really not sure. Anymore. |
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You know what? I think you're too stable for both your dad and your mom. I think they are pulling you down. Like your parents are not bad people, don't think I am saying that. But I think you have your own .. self, and they are trying to pull you in opposite directions. And it's fucking confusing you emotionally Tiffany and Ramsay says: If they left you alone to sort shit out, I so think you'd be happy <3 |
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Kill your beauty Your Royal fucking heighness awaits Upon the toadstools Around the corners off every forien block awaits your prince to take you away too hollywood street white powder nose candy (oh your so lucky, oh your so lucky) airbrushed face her sweet escape Venice Beach faces in the sand making you glad for the friends you never had {oh your so lucky, yeah your fucking lucky} into the ocean wash away purple drips from your veins watch them swell oh watch them well |
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Alchohalic demons sweet tempations yeah they run through my kind; Of stepped on grass, broken glass, no class. We ladies are easy to find The demon at my door step Livin' no more than 2 kilomanters ahead They run through my head I want a drink this second Theres a man sleeping in my bed My veins are virgin viens, never been tampered with. Only dreams, with sweet needles, pricking, making itself home again. I'm howling in my sleep the demons at my doorstep again. ( Do not fucking steal) |
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Ah yes. The age of Seventeen, Becoming Eighteen. Into a women. I feel like such a child sometimes. Then again, I'm really connected to my inner child. Sun is finally here, more and more each day. Not sure what to make of it lately. The heat, My birthday is in 3 months. Life in itself. The intensity is killing me overwhelming back breaking me These pills are doing too little, too much For my unstaining mind. And this time seems to be going by so goddamn fast, The time that is slow, Highs and lows. Although I find myself in verdigo. Standing still, but spinning; ill. The good ones never last for long, Wailing in the spring rain. Folks that never stay, never stay long, never fucking stay sane. Fuck the lust, Fuck the love, Fuck the drugs and the powder, as my best friend is stiffing up her nose. This blows. From the second she brings him to her mouth. The blow it which she demands her indulges. |
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Series of 100 This is for an art project, find an image, create an image, capture, photograph it. 1. Introduction 2. Love 3. Light - [link] 4. Dark - [link] 5. Seeking Solace 6. Break Away 7. Heaven 8. Innocence 9. Drive 10. Breathe Again 11. Memory - [link] 12. Insanity 13. Misfortune 14. Smile - [link] 15. Silence - [link] 16. Questioning 17. Blood 18. Rainbow 19. Gray - [link] 20. Fortitude 21. Vacation 22. Mother Nature 23. Cat 24. No Time 25. Trouble Lurking 26. Tears 27. Foreign 28. Sorrow 29. Happiness 30. Under the Rain 31. Flowers 32. Night - [link] 33. Expectations 34. Stars 35. Hold My Hand 36. Precious Treasure 37. Eyes - [link] 38. Abandoned 39. Dreams 40. Rated 41. Teamwork 42. Standing Still 43. Dying 44. Two Roads 45. Illusion 46. Family 47. Creation 48. Childhood 49. Stripes 50. Breaking the Rules 51. Sport 52. Deep in Thought 53. Keeping a Secret 54. Tower 55. Waiting 56. Danger Ahead - [link] 57. Sacrifice 58. Kick in the Head 59. No Way Out 60. Rejection 61. Fairy Tale 62. Magic - [link] 63. Do Not Disturb 64. Multitasking 65. Horror 66. Traps 67. Playing the Melody 68. Hero 69. Annoyance 70. 67% 71. Obsession 72. Mischief Managed 73. I Can't 74. Are You Challenging Me? 75. Mirror 76. Broken Pieces 77. Test 78. Drink 79. Starvation 80. Words 81. Pen and Paper 82. Can You Hear Me? 83. Heal 84. Out Cold 85. Spiral 86. Seeing Red - [link] 87. Food 88. Pain 89. Through the Fire 90. Triangle 91. Drowning 92. All That I Have 93. Give Up 94. Last Hope 95. Advertisement 96. In the Storm 97. Safety First 98. Puzzle 99. Solitude 100. Relaxation |
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Wandering where my baby be Mama smoked crack and my Daddy raped me Slept outside on the living room porch Ciggerate ashes from the night before Wandering where my baby be Broke a body and broke a door (Bloody doors) 1st Capo Em C Do not steal. |
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Sooo. I feel as though. My depression has been kicking me in the ass for the past 3 weeks now, the usual feelings of hopelessness, self-pity, sadness, darkness, pain, cutting and suicidal thoughts. I feel like I have tried so much and I have been through alot of pain. I don't want to die, I know that. Although at times I really do feel like ending my life and don't. I've been through this much at more at almost 18 years old. I can get through this. I'm proud of myself for not yet giving up. Even waking up in the morning and going to school is an effort in itself. However, If I don't strt helping myself get better now, things are going to be going downhill. I'm really grateful I reconize that. For example, stop smoking a pack a day, get more active and walk. Walking really does help with the depression. Gets the endorphines out. I have to take care of myself. In the end, all you have is yourslf. I must not give up, and I have to try harder. One day at a time. To get myself through this and so much more. |
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I think about when I was a little girl How I had that peace of mind And playfulness and child innocense up til about the age of 7. 10 years later... |
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I drink my coffee black I drink my coffee black I've been through hell and back Hot sweat Cold seat Yeah I drink my coffee black red eyes black eyes blue eyes I've had my hell andback look through picture frames and see your voice and tear it back cold seat hot sweat were never running back Drink your coffee black drink your coffee black Am G D EM Am G |
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Yeah you think your so fucking lucky your so fucking lucky I can feel the shakiness coming in again cold heat and hot sweats are overflowing my body again Yeah you think you've been through hell and back hell is different for everyone looking back Red eyes, black eyes, and brown. I see them all I've have em hall I'm not looking back Yeah you think your so fucking lucky I'm so fucking lucky Cold room Hot heat Body tempature normal again I begin to be free. |
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I have really began to bond with my mother in a whole different way now. I like our relationship. She is feeling emotional lately, lots of emotions and ups and downs. Oh Mom, everything will be okay. I feel so fucking attached to my mother. I don't really like staying over at my Dads place. She is going to Ontario in a couple of weeks to be with Nona, who is going to be doing her chemo. I want to be there so badely. To help care for my Nona, to see my family, to spend TIME with them. Last summer I didn't do that, I was too busy have my nervous breakdown and catching buses to random places, fuck me. Not sure if I will be able to go with my mom to Ontario, she is thinking about it. I wouldn't doubt it if she says I can't go. God, I want to go so badely. Who knows how badly Nona's health is right now, and I would like to do everything I can to help her. Also, I would feel so home sick to be away from my mom for that long. Its weird. Dreading my mother in the past and now feeling such closeness and missing my mommy. Haha. |
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Hello Febuary, and all of its coldness, sun deprieved, rainy, weather, exhausted days. I have not posted in a long time. Life is satisfactory, alright, good? Not much new in my head of mine. Had the worst hangover of my life last, which led me to laying in bed for the weekend barely touching food. Its okay now, because I feel better and my appetite is back. The downside, not being able to go to Karleys house for awhile. I really need to apolize to her mother soon. Haven't been really proud of the paintings and art I have been doing, I have only done a couple 2 or 3, but for some reason I feel like just stomping them on the ground and spitting on top of each canvas. I recently got my bridge pierced, in December. I love it. Dreadlocks are doing good. They do need work in the back though. Its raining outside, and all I can really think of right now is way my ciggerates have this disguisting aftertaste now. Ciggerates taste gross in general. And now my toe is bleeding. |
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And it occurs to me, that at this very moment, I do feel sad. I do feel a linger of depression coming closer and closer. Please FUCK OFF |
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And so it is. Just like you said it would be. |
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I'm not really impressed with the way I've been treating myself/taking careof myself lately. That definutly does not make me feel good, it makes me have and feel even lower about myself. Low Self-Esteem. My depression has been worse this past week, very sad. Especially at nighttime. I think thats when alot of people tend to get more depressed, or there depression creeps up on them at night. That is especially when my bad bad bad thoughts come out. I cut myself this week, only on one occasion. Cutting for me, is something that I feel will always be a part of me, not a large part of me, of who I'am, but a part of me. I have been dealing with self mutalation, cutting, for 3 years of my life now. Its like an addiction, your own secret, something that you carry around on your body, marks that you have put on yourself. It is hard to cry, to let it out. When I used to cut every single day, that was my release, the rush, my OWN way of crying, the blood was my tears. Tears that just wouldn't come out of my eyes, to ease my soul. Not getting to bed at a regular, functioning time. I usually fall asleep around 1 am, waking up around 9:30 or 10. It takes me a long time some nights to get to sleep. Lonliness is a big issue. I have friends, I'm so grateful that I have them, they will be there for me, I will be there for them. I feel lonliness and isolation within myself. I just feel like crawling up in a ball and crying lately. Sometimes, I feel nothing atal with my emotions/depression. Pure Numbness. Love. Loving myself is definutly something I need to work on. I'm seeing this girl I really do like. I feel as though, she does not have the time for me, Is not all that interested. I feel she might still like her ex. And that frustrates me. I just want to feel something. Sometimes, I feel I'm not "cute" enough, pretty, enough, something enough. I'm such a passionate person. I'm such a loving person. I care alot about people. All I need to do, is start caring about myself. Because only I can control how I feel, what I do, how I react. That is hard sometimes. Stress has been a big thing to. Worrying about a dear friend, stressed out and angry about my Dad, Annoyed by my mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mother and Father. Help. I'm seeing a rad counseller, I saw her today and we went to the Womens center, got panflets, then to the haven house. I feel a bit over fucking whelmed. Alot of paper, and stuff I need to read, feel out. Criminal Record check, etc. Phew, take a deep breathe Jen. Don't get to over your head. Everything that is going on right now, Health, Love, Emotionally, Mentally, is alot to deal with and handle. I'm not complaining, bitching, I'm just writing about how I feel. Which Is something that I haven't done in a while. This was a long post. |
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I need someone who has time for me. Who wants to get together with me, even when she is busy all the time. I need someone who likes me just as much as I do, and who is willing to make me feel special to them. I need someone who is motivated, focused. I need someone who is loving, who will openly voice there opinions to me. I need someone who is passionate, and loving, and open-minded. |
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Sometimes I worry about my self I think about this life In which I hide, In which people hide Then I look outside, and see bright eyes From my friends, My friends, My friends. |