Why hello everyone!!

Yay for new blogs =)
I'm pretty excited.

Soo... do I get a prev/next page?

Just trying out some stuff for now... I am rediscovering my love for HTML coding. fuuuuck yeeeeeeeh.

I went to the psychiatrist's office yesterday with the intention of being told that the level of lithium in my blood was fine, then going back home to sleep for another hour before class.
Instead the psychiatrist, a woman named Doctor Barloon who repeated the last word of every sentence I said the entire time I spoke with her, told me she needed to take a full synopsis of my mental, social and medical histories. She asked me questions like "Do you fear going out in public?" and "What substances have you used in the past year?" for an hour. We spoke about my being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and whether or not that's really what it was. She told me that Borderline Personality disorder has symptoms very like those of Bipolar and that many people mistake one for the other. I told her I was bipolar and that's that, and we decided I would stay on the lithium for now to see if my symptoms improve.
When I got home I decided to look up Borderline personality disorder because I knew it's what Susan Kayson had had in her book Girl, Interrupted and I'd never understood exactly what it meant. I was mildly surprised to find out that an extended description of the symptoms accurately described every problem I've ever had, from confusion about my identity and sexuality to ridiculous short-lived stormy relationships to uncertainty about friendships and career goals. I was pretty excited when I read it, mostly because I had a tentative explanation of what has been going on in my head my whole life. I let it marinate for a few hours until my boyfriend got home, and I mentioned to him what had happened at the psychiatrist's office and what I'd found out. He said it sounded right-on but didn't help me fix it, how was I going to fix it?
So yesterday he looked up how to fix it for me, if I did indeed have a Borderline Personality. It involves being committed to changing the patterns I've been living in my whole life, to changing my ways of thinking and changing the way I perceive the world.
Easier said than done...
First, one has to be ready and willing to change oneself in order to eradicate the symptoms. This in itself is a big hurdle for me. I'm not sure I want to completely change how I think. If a symptom of this condition of the tendency to think in extremes, stormy emotions, a fondness for sudden changes... I'm not sure I want to change that; I know it's part of the problem but I believe it's also what enables me to write poetry, to create art, basically to do the things in life that I most value. It enables me to do things like go to live in a foreign country completely alone, to up and move to new places when I feel the need... is there really so much wrong with that? I suppose it depends on the context; if I'm moving to run away from something or someone, then I shouldn't think that way. But I happen to like change, I've said it before: I think change, new experiences, new people, being forced to adapt and survive, really makes a person wise and that much happier. My semi-impulsive experiences (moving to Iowa alone, moving to Argentina alone..) have made me more broad-minded and accepting of other cultures and people, but more than that, I have learned many MANY important lessons about life and happiness from these experiences. I suppose I'm teaching myself to actually rely on myself for happiness and nobody (or nothing) else. Sure, it's turbulent at first but I learn eventually. And along the way I meet amazing people, fall in and out of love and lust, am humiliated and praised, and I come out of it with my head held high. I learned Spanish. These experiences have taught me so much... and they are the products of my impulsions.
Thus my main fear is that if I decide to change how I think, I will somehow become okay with a stable boring life. I will be stuck, like so many others, in one way of functioning and one way of living. I will marry one person and spend my life with him in one or two places.
I don't want that. I'm terrified of that. I want to live. I'm young.

Roxy was telling me last night that everyone must go through a period of Borderline personality disorder then, because most college kids (or at least the smart ones) feel this way in these hard years. Everyone is confused about the future, everyone is scared of choosing the wrong career, everyone is trying to decide what the hell to do with their lives. I agree. But I don't agree--- I guarantee that the majority of men in fraternities on this campus have no problem taking their engineering degrees, finding some girl to have their children, and settling down with an incredibly boring office job for twenty-five or thirty years. I think that's their plan; they are fulfulling their duty to society by becoming a functional member of the working class. Read: SHEEP.
No one has any obligation to fulfill their place in society by doing something that has been expected of them since birth. That is self-sabotage.
Yes, I will have two college degrees, but I am doing what I love and will settle for nothing less. I am determined to have an extremely varied lifestyle during the years my legs can still walk. I am determined to live abroad at least once, and I am determined to have the best experiences of my life until I die. I am determined to continue learning and growing throughout my entire life. I am dead set on travelling so much with loved ones. I am dead set on surrounding myself with the most interesting people I can and learning what I can from them, and improving myself until the day that I die.
This is what I value. Not stability. Not constancy.
So what's wrong with it? Am I being told I'm sick because people like me aren't very beneficial to society as a whole?
Troy would say I'm thinking too much again. Too darn neurotic.
But I want to know why I am this way and how society and the way I have been conditioned are influencing what I do and influencing what I could do and my level of happiness and satisfaction with my life.
Am I really supposed to feel satisfied if I get married and have babies right out of college? Would anyone feel satisfied? Or are they too stupid to see beyond the fact that they are unhappy because they are playing a role that they were prescribed, but not necessarily made for?
I hope one day our society will grow up and see the world as a whole. I hope one day people will realize that we're here, same as any animal, and that we have the gift of consciousness and knowledge and we should be BATHING in this gift, we should be rejoicing and gathering all the knowledge and experiences we can because we have the ability to appreciate them. Instead we cling to our Christianity and hope that we don't go to hell for having sex-- the most natural act there is. Instead we reject our bodies and judge them according to invisible standards imposed on us by our pushy society. Instead we value possessions because we are conditioned to think they'll make us happy. It's so sad. One day.