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number1box
I haven\'t been posting. I\'m a loser. - Subscribe
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I haven't been posting again. I hate it when I do that. I just haven't had anything to say. I still don't have a whole lot to say. I have an english essay that I have to write but it's just not working. It's supposed to be about dreams and some crap like that. I can't even think of a way to bs my way through it. She gave us this list of quotes and we have to pick one to base the essay around and back it up with personal life experiences. I'm gonna fail this class. I just know it. I picked up another crush somewhere (I really have to stop doing that) I don't even know when it started. I just sort of caught myself stalking her a little. I'm scared shitless now. I've gotten my heart broken so many times; I'm afraid it's going to happen again. I really want her to like me, but I'm terrified that she won't. I don't want to go through all that again. I'm barely over Kyley and I'm pretty sure that’s mostly denial. Damn it, why do I keep doing this to myself? What ever powers that be, please let Beth like me, please just let her like me. For once in my life, please let something work out for me. |
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number1box
Nothing Jan 30th, 2006 7:40:37 pm - Subscribe
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I have nothing to say, but I feel like I need to say something. All I can do is bitch and whine about fear and love and just...everything. But I've said it all before and it hasn't done any good. There's something that I need to get out but I just can't put it to words. It's love and fear and pain and hope all rolled up into a ball. I'm scared shitless of Beth breaking my heart and I'm desperately hoping she won't. It's not blind hope. Sometimes she acts like she likes me. Most of the time she doesn't. I'm still not over Kyley. She's still my everything. Even if Beth is right there, I just catch a glimpse of Kyley and forget all about her. Kyley is...Kyley. There's no other way to describe her. Everything else falls short. Nothing else is wonderful enough to describe her. The way she walks and talks. The way her smile catches every drop of beauty and wonder in the world. The way her eyes will pull you in and won't ever let you escape them. The way she erases the rest of the world so that she's the only one you see. And it's better that way because she's the only one you want to see. The way one look from her can melt your heart and make you forget about all your pain and for one moment everything is as it should be. But just for a moment, until you remember that you'll never mean anything to her. Until you remember that when she looks at you she sees just that, you. Not all the wonder of the world. Not anything. Just you. Just nothing. And It will never be any different. It's all of that but somehow it's...bigger. Deeper. It's more than anything can be. But it's still not enough. It's only going to get bigger and deeper. I'll never lose it. It will eat me alive. |