I hate it when I have this great idea in my head and then lose it in the same minute.
I don't know why, and I dont think it's a good thing, but I dont really see the point of small talk. I personally can't manage to have small talk for more than 1 minute. Just dont have the brain function of "small talk" I guess.
ooohhh..........I have this paralyzing fear of showing who I am. Dont really know if I've been 100% myself with anybody. seriously. Maybe it's the middle child syndrome.(I'm e second child in 4) I tell myself that all the time. Maybe it's true? My memory is the worst. Can't even remember how i feel. Ya that's it! i cant remember how i feel therefore I can't express myself! lol
I'm still looking for friends that resemble me. I have friends of course but none that really know me and accept me fully. I guess my still searching. I wanna be able to hangout with them and feel as if i'm at home with my family and not have to impress them or fit into a mold they've set. I only hope that I recognise them when i see them and have enough courage not to reject them.
I'm still looking for me. who am I really? what do I really like? what do I love?
Is there really meaning to my life?
Sometimes I do feel like my life doesn't really mean anything to myself even. Just look at how I live. I dont even know how to decide something big for myself. So everyone else is deciding for me. They keep telling me to do this, do that. Why am I so afraid to even say no to them? Why am I so afraid to piss them off? And why am I so afraid to be pissed at them? Why can't I show how I feel like normal people do?
I'm filled with millions of questions without knowing how to find the answers.
I sure am a emo chick. With a sense a humour-I'd like to think.
So Diana got a dog. A tiny schnauzer pup to be exact. Her name is Pepper Poochmister. Why Poochmister? No idea. Go ask Diana. She's settling well into the house I think. Incredibly playful, manja, a little whiny at first. But now she's become an indespensible family member of the Chong's. The baby of the house. Didn't know I'd love her so soon! Haha, I can't wait for her to grow up la actually. Not that i dont like her this small, but like a parent who wants to see her kid grow up kind u know?
Christmas Songs flood every radio station, shopping mall, tv show. Basically anyplace that has a speaker, you can be sure that it's playing some christmas song. I actually didn't notice Christmas was coming until i hear those Christmas songs playing. And it'll be here in exactly 5 days! woooo.....
Come to think of it, what does Christmas mean to me actually? presents? santa claus?(i kinda think that santa is a demon form. ew) Gathering of friends and family? showing love to strangers? these are all the things I think of first when I think of Christmas. But Christmas is about celebrating Jesus's coming to the world to save us. His sacrafice of life for us. So how do I celebrate that? hmmm.
So this is it for a first blog post! And to many many more good ones to come!
Pepper has been my very welcome companion these past 2 weeks. With her around, the house doesn't feel so empty anymore. I love that she is so furry. She often rests her little head gently on my arm when I carry her. I even love the way she smells like a baby. She comforts me in a way. I don't feel so alone at home anymore.
Its funny how moods and change from one moment to the other. Just because of some teeny little situation. Or just the way you feel about yourself.
In a relationship, any relationship. its very important that the chemistry is right. in fact i think it is THE most important factor. Sometimes when the chemistry is wrong it is so wrong! No matter how much time you spend together, it just doesn't feel right. You get this very clear feeling that it doesn't belong. I do get intimidated from time to time. Its like being faced with a brick wall that you can't breakthrough no matter how hard you try. It's nice to know that you do belong with some people. Who'd accept you no matter what you did.
The best relationships come naturally. You talk easily with them around. Don't have to think too much before opening your mouth. They make it easier to be, you. No more mold to try to fit in.