|..Tired as death. Watching Garden State...Hell, I hate this computer, why does it erase everything? And starting over. Ugh of all the days to not be able to find any medical texts is the day I have this stupid maiming pain...Intestinal worms...or something like that. ..Oh shit fuck, not this. I hate it when you can't deal with things and then people say "ur cute I'd like to take you on a date" Especially when they can't spell YOU ARE properly...not now, I don't need this...Oh look at that, a happy ending in Garden State. I wish I could crawl in through the screen and live in there...Fuck so I volunteered to watch my neighbour's kids while she's out somewhere. Funny how I still go out of my way to be nice when people try their hardest to screw me over one way or another. I mean, fuck, where does being nice get you? Honestly, no one gives a shit who you opened a door for or who you didn't push in the path of a passing UPS truck. I hate the fact that I still live in the past, you'd think that half a year later it'd be done and my mind would go into this cleaning out of fuckass memories mode and I wouldn't remember. But oh hell no! let's go over every fucking conversation as you work...I wrote this guy that I very briefly met an e-mail that made it seem oh so awkward, wouldn't blame him if he didn't talk to me as I'm a fucking compulsive liar and jsut make up random excuses. Well enough is enough. not like anyone reads this [although perhpaps its better that way] Must get some sleep, another fun filled day tommorrow, yeah as fucking if...if only I could ignore that eerie noise of really loud banging on the stairs, almost like footsteps. So here I sit, paranoid little me, with a knife on the table. After all the house WAs unlocked when I was upstairs..who knows.|
|So I'm at my aunt's. After being subjected to ridicule about the way I dress, I was left alone. "well now that we're done mocking her, we'll leave her to wallow in her self-induced emo shit that eats away at her soul"...which I keep at the back of my throat. it reminds me of vampires. There;s a black dog running around under the table, he's got a mohawk, that's a first. Just finished applying for student loans for next year, grand total of..shit I think it's 7000, somewhere around there. This morning I frollicked around in the park with a friend...[nightgown and everything] woo. I think I want to be alone, it's the only reason I can think of that I am so fucking indecisive when it comes to actually starting off anything with anyone...sigh, my shoes are startign to wear away, it hurts me as I made them my own with their lovely pictures..dang, seems we're going to pick up my sister from daycare and by that I mean me.|
|Yesterday was pretty miserable, starting with me wondering whether to go to that show as there's a chance of him being there as his best friend's going, ending with me imagining yet again of what could've/would've happened if the right thing had been done for once. And the whole learning from mistakes thing isn't really reassuring as I still don't think it was my fault at all, there was a lack of effort and oh fuck him. I'm too sick of all this, done, over, decomposing in the ground, end of this fucking story. So I didn't go, in the case that I did see him which would kill me. And then I was over at Andy's and my coat disappeared from her couch, I was hoping that it'd rain as I walked home but no such luck. And hells yes! I broke her watergun...Today, yet another of my mom's shifts, so the eternal babysitter is out with the kids once more. I don't understand why getting one's tubes tied is such a difficult decision to make, enough kids mom, needn't populate this cramped earth anymore. I can't stand being mistaken for an underage mother any more. Yet again I'm at the trophy wife's house. I think I have a dentist appointment today, ugh. fUck, I just want to be missed, I want someone to miss me so bad it hurts them, I want them to feel like I do each time I like someone... Boy wrote back. My fucking mind tells me that's it's pointless to try as it didn't start off right. fuck you mind. Go die in a ditch. Nothing to lose, so why not? Worst thing would be that he hates my guts, if I was him I'd fucking hate me too...Update: 5 minutes ago-->I got stuck inside my brothers jumping toy thing as I was trying to bring it upstairs and then it got stuck inside the doorframe and...yep, had to be saved by my sister...*head hangs low*|
So I just spent over an hour sitting in a giant spaceship. Woot! for summer reading program and me slaving away at work. The kids keep stealing stuff from my bins and all the days I had to take off are contributing to keeping my bank account from increasing. But hey it was a spaceship.
Other than that not much is happening. My creepy library stalker is back. fuck's sakes! just give up...I made myself a Charlie Chaplin shirt that I proceeded to ruin by dropping it into a puddle of bleach. Found the Marilyn Manson biography "long and hard road out of hell" I believe it's called, looking forward to that.
"you are the church, I am the steeple and when we fuck, we're all god's people"
I love all that he writes, it amazes me.
Fack, stalker comign towards me, need to run away.
Very last exam is finally done. High school is finished...*empty expanse stretches out in front of me* fuck, now what? Real life came way too fast.
Ever have that feeling when you feel really miserable inside so you turn towards your safest memory and then realise that that memory can never happen again and then it feels so fucking empty that your chest seizes up and you don't know whether to hyperventilate or drown it out with loud music blasting your cochlea to fragments?...not that I have. Woot for trying to phrase that. It bothers me how I can't put down thoughts into words and have them sound the way I wanted them to.
Matt Skiba/Trio pictures are all that remains of us on the metal walls of our locker. The vampire pictures I made and the photo booth fun snapshots have been distributed. It's sad really, how little of us will be remembered once we move on. I'm really hoping that the moving out plan takes place soon next year. Can't take living there no more...It was Ana's birthday. She was dressed in white, like a little angel of aging.
So sweet, she's six now. Sorry, have to edit this last one as she just smacked me over the head with a Swiffer. What a hellish imp.
There's this video "the last day" or maybe not, can't remember what it's called but it's by Bright Eyes and it tears at me as in the end they do this whole heart/love hand gesture and they're so happy. I want to be happy. Last time I felt that was a month ago when for no reason at all I had 30 minutes of utter euphoria and it was lovely while it lasted.
But oh well, work soon, hells yes!