it keeps killing my entries
no wonder the site is dying...
so what's been happening in my life in the last 4 years. i'll tell you.
sam and i broke up, i formed another band which is sadly now defunct have a listen at http://www.myspace.com/mypethandgrenade
wow, i can't really think of anything else.
i went to see dave hause, daniel andriano, brian fallon and the legend that is chuck ragan last night.
you north americans don't know how lucky you are.
oh, femme? i also met dan
most of all at the moment i'm pretty lonely.
it's that time of year again
third christmas i'll be on my own.
i missed you guys. just thought you should know...
...wow. I'll tell you how I got back.
I suddenly remembered "Machete Operated Girl" that I wrote, and on the off-chance I tried racking my brains for the name of the goddamn blog site it was on.
Then they came flooding back, femme, oblong, all the mysterious blog posts, the Trio obsession (which, despite the best efforts of the last 2 albums, remains intact!)
Do these blogs even show up on friends feeds and stuff?
Because I sure as hell would love to know if Femme and Oblong a) remember me and b) are still around. Long shot I know, but hey, I remembered my password so anything can happen, right?
wow, it's been awhile hasn't it. I can honestly say that I have been blog free since my last post.
Upon completion of a newly acquired trilogy and being alone for past several hours, my mind wondered to this place; partially out of nostalgia but also because I wanted to see the place that kept me company during a summer I hope I never experience again.
How things have changed. My childhood is a list of different cities and a conglomeration of memories that have melted together. I sympathize with the elderly; the integrity of my memory is absurdly poor. This site is one of the few places on the internet that I have vocalized my thoughts. They serve as sturdy posts in a strong current as life races by.
The computer I’m on now is nearly four years old (I feel that’s about 120 years in computer years). I had turned it off, half expecting to never use it again. When I came to retrieve some old information, I accidentally opened my web browser. Displayed in my bookmarks was this site. I didn’t visit here expecting to post, but I also didn’t expect my username and password to still be saved.
This post will be white noise in a never ending ocean, but for me it will be another post to hold on to and remember (with accuracy) of the time I spent here.
I hope to visit as often as I can
the screen flickers into life,
with a burst of grey static,
the evening sun has fallen,
and the thermostat has broken,
you tumble off the sofa,
with a bottle in your hand,
your bloodshot eyes unfocused,
you scrabble in the dirt,
can't quite find the yellow one,
that would burn the fog away,
you're lips have turned all crusty,
you haven't bled today,
you move across the carpet,
like a snake across the dirt,
trying desperately to focus,
and blank your mind against the hurt
the ceiling lights have dimmed again,
the pain has just increased,
you take another mouthful,
and get temporary peace.
the burn, it rises in your throat,
the bile is coming near,
how did you end up in this mess,
the answer now is clear.
see, i'm cutting down smoking. really proper actually giving it a go.
me, the most pro smoking motherfucker on the planet.
i spit in the eyes of your oxygen tubes and respirators, for i am (was) indestructible
until i started to struggle to breathe.
so the uberlord of smoking, drinking, toking, sniffing etc, get this, IS GETTING HEALTHY GODAMMIT!
i swear to god, the day i wear "preppy" clothes or even , god forbid, start smiling will be the day my daddy's backyard will freeze over.
...was what i was up to on saturday afternoon. i have a brand new side project with my drummer, mr friday. we are the gun audition, and we play acoustic hardcore, much in the vein of hot water music, seven seconds, etc. its bloody good stuff so far, we wrote 3 songs, and i swear i could taste blood at the end of the afternoon.
on a more sombre note, i have no job, i have cabin fever and i'm constantly bored
and putting on a fuckload of excess flesh.
i make the big show look like paris hilton. all will change however, all will change,
wish i had something cool and mysterious to write about.
i wonder if i could ever top "machete operated girl"?
give me ideas, my canadian lovelies
fuck a doodle doo, i remembered my old password.
just remembering the literate conversations and friends i met here, my canadian "bitches", (woah there girls, i was kidding!)
a lot has happened since i last entered a blog on here.
shan't bore you with details.
i re-read and read again the machete operated girl blog (for oblongbox)
did i really write that?
I'm proud of it. so proud i posted into myspace (www.myspace.com/deadbiteback)
hopefully i'll be on here a lot more
make me tea femme....
Bestowed with secrets and
fantasies of finality,
your fricative words created sweat on me;
tempting screams out of me.
The hurting that could hurt so sweetly.
Dreams of blood
coursing through arteries
and my sad artistry
as I draw lines on you.
Seething with passion and
Teething on the razor
in my mouth.
I stared at the light
falling off billboards tonight,
thinking of what is not.
As bodies on them like yours glow white
and rot the skyline like a rash.
Not as beautiful as yours, as
Beauty becomes so much more
potent when destroyed.
These ones lacked luster,
for the lines, our lines,
they would not have drawn.
The lines we prayed to
in coarse breath at dawn.
While our chimera's collected like
clouds connecting in a storm of
There was a safety found
in our static pauses,
and the bodies you'd only show to me.
I found something there,
amid our chaotic affaire de coeur
A courtship between surgeons.
My eidolon birthed in you.
It's dark, It's wrong,
and it's in me too.
But only with you.
My aphdrodite in a body bag.
I Close my eyes and open my arms to a killer,
My Dahlia, my prying Pandora.
She wants to find this before it kills her,
With her porcelain face now fractured
like a sad, beautiful winter.
Feeding me secret answers when
all along the rapture told otherwise.
A manifesto of lies.
Her hope, befit of a disaster .
Tell me if you take stabs at passion,
or find it easy to forget that
the heavens burn like branches?
While I go through the motions of caring;
note kindness in her is like the failure of a killer.
spare me final dramas,
and your passions, and your traumas.
There's nothing here to save.
And although you're breathing in your grave,
it's still unmistakable.
You have been crowned.
And now, the death befit of a queen.
I may be crawling through knives,
but you can't hide what's happened all along.
Kidnapped by the chambermaids of guilt
loss, and lust for the
perverted precursors to what never comes,
and never to be noticed again.
Eyes, lips, and a head full of unconcern
certainly, I've discerned the end.
we can't escape the end times.
with aching bones and cracking lips.
I'll dig in with my fingertips
and I'll destroy you.
Oh, I will destroy you.
I Find myself lost in trying to find nothing at all,
and all I have left are the fumes
rising off this carrion of passions.
these heathen ruins unhealable.
All I have made are crosses
across the valley up to a church
nor more than a pool of blood.
And the victim's names enumerated on the walls,
like lamb to the slaughter.
None innocent, and none worth a seperate box.
None left alive as none were worth inliving.
Not that they were living anyways.
So now I'll turn to this keyhole of mine
and attempt a bigger
adding condemnation on the inside,
and marching love's vanguard into a chasm
full of gears and chisels.
A well oiled heart-ache machine.
And everything gray in between.
Everything broken in the fall.
"Imagine" by John Lennon
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No Hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion, too
Imagine all the people
Living lide in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one.
My feelings are close enough for me to say "I don't want to." I don't want to move, I don't want to leave my family, my friends. I don't want to leave what I am comfortable with, what I know. I don't want to leave my daddy, I don't want to leave my mom. They drive me crazy sometimes, but they're my parents. My niece and nephew don't understand...so they get angry. And that kills me. Victory get's angry when I talk about leaving, too. And it's completely understandable. I'm leaving her in her time of need...but how could I have known?
"So turn up the corners of your lips..." -- DBC
I'm excited. I want this...I really do. I'm just really, really sad. I don't think I'm ready...and I just don't have a choice now. And I can't talk to Greek about this right now because his best friend is leaving in the morning and he's really bummed about that.
"Defenses paper thin..." -- DBC
I'll be okay.
Victory and I hung out tonight and I got to talk to her new beau for a couple minutes before I headed home. I actually really like him...though that might be a tad biased because he's going to enlist in the Army. That right there kills me (both makes me feel horrible and cracks me up) because, for the first reason, I don't want Victory to have to go through any of that. I did, have been, am, for the past 16 months and it sucks, though it makes a relationship so much stronger, and for the second reason...she swore up and down until she was blue in the face that she'd never date a guy in the military, especially after seeing me go through it all. The thing that sucks in all of this is that I'm not going to be able to be there for her when he leaves, when she is going through the roughest part. I'm going to be 20 hours (drive) away and she's going to need to save her money to go see him, so the only way I'm going to be able to comfort her is over the phone...and that's just not the same. I would've gone crazy while Greek was in BCT if I hadn't had her, hadn't had her physical presence there to help me, to keep me occupied, to just...BE. She was my rock. I'll also give her a fair ammount of credit for helping me to get over cutting and be happy. I just wish I could BE there for her like she was there for me, like she's ALWAYS there for me. I kind of feel that by moving I'm letting her down. She's going through a lot right now...her other best friend got diagnosed with cancer and a bleeding problem (it wouldn't clot) about a month ago and was given a week to live...well, she's obviously lived longer than they gave her but she's having problems like the loss of some linguistic capabilities. It sounds like she's having trouble forming words...and speaking in general. Her eyes were watering while she was on the phone with this girl tonight and I couldn't say anything. Couldn't do anything. I don't understand this. All I can offer her is what I've picked up from my mom (who is a nurse) over the years...I don't know what else to do. I guess I can only be there for her and hope it's enough.
To make matters worse. I totally broke my baby toe on my right foot tonight because I have a major lack of grace. Also, one of my best guy friends, Turkey, (whom I met through Greek while they were in AIT together) just put in a request to go to Kuwait for a year. Granted it's not all that dangerous...but still. He'll be deployed, and could very possibly go to Iraq from there. That's what a LOT of units do.
Adding to the helpless factor, Greek's best friend's (on post) time will be served this week and he'll be leaving the base they are stationed at to return home to his family. I feel horrible for him. He's got no one else there, and right now there is nothing I can do. I can't even kiss it away right now. I just feel awful. He's already admitted that he's going to be such a barracks rat after he leaves and will be counting the days until he comes home for Christmas which makes me worry for him. To make matters worse on THIS one, he found a lump on his back this morning which he thinks is just swelling from doing crunches poorly...but I'm a worry wart of a wife.
I'm behind on Christmas. I really need to get a move on on all of that. Granted I'm almost done purchasing everything...but a lot of it needs to be made and prepared. Boo.
I'm stressing about leaving. I'm not even looking forward to it right now because I'm so sad about leaving my family and friends that it's consuming me.
|I'm scared to move away. I mean, I'm not sure I'm ready to leave home, and now it's like I don't have a choice. And I know that sounds horrible, because I really want to move, Greek is so good to me and I love him SO damn much...I'm just scared of being so far away from my family. I'm being thrust away and thrown to the other side of the country. My dad has been crying a lot lately and I hate that I'm the cause of his pain...He's not ready to let me go, either. I know that I'll always be close to my family, even if it's not physically. I'm just going to miss them a lot and I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that in about a month I'm not going to see them every day and I will officially have to be a grown up. I always felt grown up...but now I feel like such a little kid. I just want to crawl into my daddy's arms and be his "monster mash." I want to help my mom bake Christmas cookies because I like it and she lets me eat the dough, not because I'm putting them in a Christmas basket for my inlaws. It takes a lot for me to admit that I'm just not ready to leave home...and I hate that I even have to say that I don't have a choice...because I made my choice, and it was TO move...and to be with Greek. We'll only be away for a couple years...and I know I'll get used to it...I'm just...I'm just going to miss my family so much.|
They're uncomfortable thoughts, the one's I'm having tonight. He's broken a promise, and while to most it wouldn't seem like a big thing, it was to me. Greek and I are married but living in different states until the end of this semester. We haven't been able to talk much lately so he promised me that tonight we would have a "date." We would blow everything else off and just sit on our butts and talk to each other, just be together on the phone. He didn't call until almost 10 (and with the time difference that makes it almost 11 his time) and almost the entire time we were on the phone we were completely silent. Any attempt at conversation I tried to make was ended quickly with a short response on his end. Then he went to bed because it was late and he has to wake up early (yeah, the Army does that.). Obviously...I was upset. I AM upset. He promised we could have our date and I was so looking forward to it. I'd been talking about it with a friend (Goose, who's boyfriend is in the Army) all day and telling her how excited I was about it. I was so excited. And he just doesn't understand why I'm upset.
"Mmm what you say, mmm that you only meant well, well of course you did. Mmm what you say, mmm that it's all for the best, of course it is. Mmm what you say, mmm that it's just what we need, you decided this. Mmm what you say, mmm what did she say?" -- Imogen Heap.
Greek came home for Thanksgiving, which was a lovely surprise. He and a friend of his drove 20 hours (both ways) to be here Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. He loves me. In related news, I'm growing quite fond of my father inlaw and step mother inlaw, however I still dislike my mother inlaw and her husband. (Read: Want nothing to do with them).
When I thought about marrying Greek, the main thing on my mind was that we'd finally be able to be togehter, there wasn't much the Army could do to keep us apart. But now it's really hitting home that I have to LEAVE...home. 37 days and I move to a whole other state that I've only been to twice and saw mainly the inside of my hotel room. I'm nervous, scared, and in all honestly not quite sure that I'm ready to leave home and all that entails. I've never lived on my own, and while I won't necessarily be on my own (I'll have my husband, of course), I still won't have my parents, or my sisters and their families, and so on and so forth.
School is not going so well. I've all but given up on this semester. I dropped my english class and have been skipping class every chance I get. Basically, I show up for test days (without having studied) and make okay grades. I can't believe I'm doing this again. I was so determined to do well at the beginning of this semester, but as it draws to a close my mind is on other things. Like my last holiday season at "home," moving, and leaving everything else behind. School, right now, is just not my main priority...but can you blame me? Probably.
I need a hobby...
What do you know about the future?
I think you'll become a consumer-whore.
I think you'll spawn a couple fucked-up brats.
I think you'll have a midlife crisis,
and what that can be -
Maybe you'll gain weight.
Maybe you'll notice how your spouse doesnt
get off to you anymore.
Maybe you'll buy something stupid and expensive
like new luxury Sedan.
Maybe one of those fridges with the TV's in the door.
Just big enough to feel like your money's worth it.
Like you're worth it.
You'll "stay together for the kids" and
get up every morning to go read the A&E
in an expensive coffee shop.
Go. Peruse mediocrities,
There's nothing more to do.
You'll strike up conversations with strangers and oddly,
they're the only ones that really know.
In the sense that they know nothing.
You'll thumb your cellphone playfully, and play office.
You'll drink your half-soy, half-latte
Venti mocha cappacino...
or whatever other conceited gourmet shit you can swipe a card to.
It gives you caffeine.
It gives you an ego.
You'll sit, you'll sip, and you'll smirk
at the life unfolding around you,
One about as fullfilling as
the dirt on your shoe.
Your salvation, your maxim.
Your truth found in the traffic lights.
Fast food from the passenger seat.
Another weeknight, another deadline beat.
If only beating your wife was as easy.
I think You'll live out your hopes and dreams
Your life folded between
pleasures and practicalities
and whatever other passions...
begot from middle-management.
White knuckles to match the white collar.
You savor it.
The starch might make your skin itch a little
You ignore it.
It might brush against the stubble on your aching neck.
And you like it.
It makes you awake.
The haircut you can set a watch to.
A funeral arrives with tears and rehersal.
Why, oh why does life cheat the most beautiful?
However calm the princess be,
she must have broken her delicate neck.
The wind whines about the corpse in a way,
still no birds chime at this hour of day.
lifting corners of white lace revealing slender legs
- sometimes more to the family's dismay...
she hangs gently.
As passerbys paint crosses on their chests.
Her blasphemous fingers brought her death,
such is a sin, to still one's breath!
Her heaven is barred, as the gospel says.
The townfolk weed their way among the oak.
Top hats and long coats hang on tired bones,
all chilled by this unholiest of autumns,
wind licking at their toes.
Stone faces weep and snarl where droplettes cling
the final eyes in which she confided in.
Granite monsters above everything.
The tumultuous twilight is split by a raven's caw
money lenders and machine makers made to look on
torn from their beds at a lantern boy's call
they found a young vixen .
She must have broken her delicate neck.
A book is strewn wayward, landing angry in the mud,
as a pastor whispers holy things.
His wavering voice doing battle with the wind.
A ragged yell escapes a carpenter,
who was the father.
The people mumbled onward
hate poured generously into fricative words
wondering who's daughter, when,
and why the hearse was running late.
A boy expects a funeral,
tomorrow if weather permitting.
the cold permeating his cotton,
invading his train of thinking.
Removed from his carrot soup,
when all of this occured.
Quite fitting, the cold now upon him.
An icey blast just as within him,
when he raped and killed his sister.
It all happened so quickly. In August we got engaged, and in October, we married. I didn't have time to think, I felt like my hand was forced. Not to accept the proposal or to marry Greek, but to marry him so quickly, and in a courthouse. As a little girl I never dreamed of a lavish wedding, I'd never planned it out to the point of only needing a groom, but I'd wanted a wedding. Granted, we'll still have a wedding, but 10 months after the fact, what's the point? We did it this way so I could move to the coast to be with him at his duty station, if it's what we want anyway, why not, right? Right? God, please tell me I'm right! Please, don't get me wrong, I'm glad. But I'm still living at home finishing out the semester (which I honestly couldn't care less about anymore) while my husband is on the other side of the country. This isn't how any of it was supposed to happen! I'm scared to move. My family didn't believe that I was moving until we were married, and at some level I didn't believe it either. Rather, I could take it back, change my mind. But now this choice, too, has been taken from me. I'm so very excited, and so very restless, but I'm leaving behind everything I know, everyone I care for but him.
"Tell me we both matter, don't we?" -- Placebo
I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. It's as if I'm just waking up and realizing that I've taken everything for granted. Tell me what to do, oh God, please tell me what to do!
"Let me steal this moment from you now" -- Placebo
I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. My family thinks I'm a failure for getting married at the age of 19 and think I haven't taken anyone else into account. My friends, I've just let them down in general. I haven't been there for Victory, I haven't been a friend. Greek? I take my frustration out on him. When I get to the point of not being able to handle the lonliness, when I feel so lost without him, I take it OUT on him...which makes sense in some twisted way since I guess on some subconcious level I'm still bitter about him joining the Army. I still feel abandoned, and the emotions are raw right now because he was here just last week...and now I'm going to bed alone.
"If I only could make a deal with God..." -- Placebo
I'm not sure I've got the stregth to stand this anymore. It's been 11 months since I've cut myself, and it's something I'm proud of, and while I feel I'd be letting a lot of people down...it's something my body still craves. I need to lay down. Sleep this off.
...I need to sleep life off.