Date: Jul 17th, 2012 10:43:13 pm - Subscribe
I should be happy because for the past few years I've been doing what I've always wanted to do: nothing. I'm the person my 13 year old self would have loved to be. The problem is I'm not my 13 year old self anymore.
Straight On Till Morning
Date: Apr 30th, 2011 2:26:09 am - Subscribe
I always compare myself with Peter Pan. I refuse to grow up. Or I'm afraid to grow up. I'm afraid of change, of consequences, of responsibility, of adult feelings. I have the emotional depth and sensitivity of a 10 year old boy.
Eventually everyone leaves Neverland and Peter Pan and they grow up.
Everyone has left and grown up, and here I am, a perpetual child. They've all shut the window on me.
I'm am in the exact same place as the last time I wrote here. I have been in the exact same place my entire life.
Date: Jun 28th, 2009 10:18:44 am - Subscribe
Of course I skipped my graduation, but I have no qualms about that. In fact, it was a wise decision because that day it ended up raining and being a mess. The school is unorganized, the whole thing would have been an unneeded pain in the ass.
Since then, I haven't done anything at all. I haven't read any books, I haven't actually worked on any art, haven't looked for a job.
Date: May 13th, 2009 1:04:53 pm - Subscribe
Reading through this journal really made me depressed.
Some of the entries are cryptic and vague, like one about a boy in my freshman science class that I thought was cute. I can't think of who it could possibly be... for some reason I want to think it was Evan. If that's who it was, that's hilarious because earlier this year I became infatuated with him again in Driver's Ed, except this time I decided he was cute looking.
I've had this diary since I was a freshman, and now I'm graduating in seven days. I was feeling nostalgic and regretting everything I've done in High School and all the things I didn't do, which is why I came here, but now those feelings have been increased. I mean, I really regret it. I wish I could do over these past four years so badly.
Honestly, it's a miracle I'm graduating. All those days I've missed, all the classes I failed for no reason. That's what really pisses me off because I could have done so well in those classes, but I just chose to sit around on the computer acting like a scene shithead. Luckily for me I was able to make all those classes up in a special drop-out prevention program, which was the easiest, quickest thing.
Looking back I can see that I've had problems with my body imagine since 2005/2006. Since then it's only gotten worse. Not only is it my weight, but my gender identity. I think the reason throughout those first years of high school I spent so much time online was because I felt so well liked and accepted. It was easy to present myself as the gender I wanted and they'd never know otherwise. Eventually I realized there were other people who felt like me and that it wasn't some unheard of thing and I could get through it. So since then I've been taking steps towards opening up, coming out, and transitioning.
I still miss how I was as a freshman and sophomore. Ignorance really is bliss. I was so carefree because I didn't realize that my actions had consequences even if they weren't instant. I didn't realize that what I do now will affect how I am and what I do in the future.
I feel like I'm trapped beneath a bell jar.
I'm going for a walk now. Truthfully. I'm not going to pull an Esther.
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