Date: Aug 6th, 2008 9:08:50 am - Subscribe
AM I overthinking that night? When you looked right at me, asking me what am i doing tomorrow, youll give me a call
IM new to this, Im new to wanting more then a quick and go hookup. I do that only to feel some sort of connection with the other sex to feel worth something.
If I dont im utterly depressed,and focus on how shitty people are, how sometimes IM shitty, and on all my faults.
I want something solid, not just me giving you pleasure and leaving.
I desrve someone nice. I dersve something better. I desereve love, not lust.
Someday this pain will be useful to you
Date: Jul 25th, 2008 9:13:40 pm - Subscribe
I've been reading this book for a year. Never fully got into it. But its a book I read when I want to feel comfortable in my quant mindset.
I have been staying home often now. It has many plus's. I dont need to put on a fake makeup face.
I dont have to make small talk to people and feel akward.
I dont need to spend money.
I use to think I was lonley, but I could hang around tons of people If I wanted. Im not going to lie. I feel as If I am popular. Some reason or anything folks do call me and invite me to parties or over.
My dad made a comment saying " Wow, your in on a friday? Your staying home with us?"
"Yeah, yeah I am."
I should. You should too. They are the ones who take us for us. WHo birthed us. They are like the emotional balancer to our hearts.
It never stops.
Date: Jul 20th, 2008 12:26:05 am - Subscribe
My heart feels heavy sometimes. Its like caving into my soul and hurting it as time goes on. The longer my emotions get teased and tested the more and more my heart will cave. Its like Ive told myself" ill have to turn the corner this time" everytime I think the corner is near by, Instead I get thrown another blokc in front of me before happiness can be achieved.
From sexual assault as child, to plastic surgery, to girl school, 3 years of anoerxica, heart problems, osterupostis & liver damage, to depressiion and anoxiety, to another diease, then to a family death, no wait two family deaths, to a brother moving away, to being mentally unstable and hating yourself, to fake friendships, to never getting laid, never being loved, to me now.
WHen is the corner going to change.
Date: Jun 26th, 2008 11:20:11 am - Subscribe
I want him.
To never grow older. Fight Pirates all day. Allies with Indians. Dance around a fire. Sleep in a teeppee, yet live in a tree house. Live with immature men. perfection. Swim with mermiads, frolick on an island. Fly around the world.
I get happy just thinking about that. Ideal.
Date: Jun 24th, 2008 12:19:08 am - Subscribe
so metaphor here. If a car doesnt have enough oil, the engine will stop.
my heart doesnt heave enoug potasiium , that it could stop.
docotors. blood drawn ever week. test's.
id like to live a year without medical crap.
Okay, im opening the dictionary. WEbster's, pointing to a word. SHit I picked "Femme or fem"- slang. a woman who adopts the female role in a lesbian realtionship.
Is that not funny? I opened up to the word femme. Jesus. That is funny.
Im real bored.
but now that made me smile. simple pleasures my folks. simple pleasures.
Spec's get respect.
Date: Jun 17th, 2008 12:47:51 am - Subscribe
i dont like being albino. like already being kinda boney creeps people out so i wonder if being albino adds to my sick look. weird i wanna be italian tan like i should.
oh got new glasses. kinda buddy holly look but bigger.
i drank to much coffee. i got to piss like ever 5 seconds. i use to have this weird thing when i was a child wher ei thought i had to pee ever 5 seconds but no pee would happen. it was juust that rushced feeling. i think i have bladder control issues.
Date: Jun 14th, 2008 5:51:19 pm - Subscribe
I peer inside my erie soul, to only see slurps of misconception; off beat with the blood that pumps the massive heart of rejection.
The heart guides the eyes, to arrange reality.
Tunnel's listen to others, the noise carries down to the core, which the core only ignores. Outer influnces will not fix the truth.
Outer influences are just a muse.
Ears get rejected as hands get tested. Fingers lay apon skin between breast and belly, to only feel this heart get heavy. Understanding sinks through the flesh, reaching to the vesseled pumped mess.
Beautiful is what life is after, not some Typical Disaster.
Date: Jun 3rd, 2008 11:44:44 pm - Subscribe
Well graduation went well. Kinda cold me being in a sleelves white dress and all. I just wanted to get taht over with. Then as I was yelling "dzia" my grandfathers name in russian well it menas grandpa in russian a korean turns behind me and goes" why are you yelling PENIS!?"
childhood name ruined.
it was great seeing my college cousnler grab some beers and realtives write I love poop on everyone in sharpie cause they were tipsy.. My friends and I swam and drank also and just laughed at teh random group of people im friends with. Created some good mmemories and ate some bithchin cake. it was a great way to tie my 518 expreience to an end.
Apple pies and Living Free
Date: May 25th, 2008 7:27:53 pm - Subscribe
I have one tattoo. says live free in russian on my back.
I was driving, pissed off, sort of at nothing. Pissed off that no one knows how to live life. WEre sucked into our jobs, schoool,drama,friends, parents, that we just forget to FUCK IT ALL. bluntly said.
Dont plan anything, wake up, ride to loud mmusic, ride to idk lake george. Swim, steal a hotdog froma stand, get drunk at 1 am, have an afternoon delight, swing on swings, dance, scream, laugh at nothing, laugh at being so bored, stare at the sky, make random observations, buy a mouse, hit on a guy/girl, talk to starangers. JUST FUCKING LIVE LIFE dont worry, dont plan, just get out or stay in, but shake w.e is on your mind, and do and say w.e you feel like.
Butt sex on the triangle.
Date: May 23rd, 2008 2:49:12 pm - Subscribe
Today was Senior Skip Day. Long Live Tradition.
We set up a power point telling ews what theyve taken away, put mrs halls head on a dictctor, adn then the prank began.
Outside, the seniors drove their carsabout 20 onto the senior traingle , honk our cars unifromly, blarred the same music, nad set up a trampoline in the middle of the triangl we formed witha kiddie pool and pizza just for us. If anyone tried to come on, we'd squirt them with squirt guns.
The Ting Tings
Date: May 22nd, 2008 11:26:39 pm - Subscribe
I was listening to them earlier, and didn't know I took of my headphones, but I started teh shower. and was dancing in the shower, to "Great Dj" by them. I then realiazed that in fact their was no real music playing. That the sound got stuck in my head, like a legit record going over and over and over again. It came in clear.
Freezing monkey balls
Date: May 22nd, 2008 10:29:20 am - Subscribe
Im in layers, and im still freezing.
I just slept during the last two class's basically as kids were doing their presentations, and Im so full of candy im not going to eat lunch. I get my graduation dress fitted today, and then have to write 2 (3) paged papers. W.e. Ill crank it out in like an hour. Then im starting to workut again, seoriusly. I need my beach bod back. I eman I just want to work on legs and abs and Il be ok. Arms kinda never get big, but look small compared to my body. ANd thank got for having boobs, to even everything out.
Im going up to SHelley's dorm to help her back and t exchange man stories.
Pee in a cup!
Date: May 22nd, 2008 4:47:28 am - Subscribe
DO you not know how good it feels to prove people wrong when they say I CANT do something? I showed my art teacher and my college couseler exatly thata. They both told me not to apply to RISD saying I wont get in. I almost didnt apply/ But I fucking nailed the home test drawings. First concept was a sklelton hand and a regualr hand coming towards each tother with a background of a light tunnel. Second drawing was A church steeple, with a front view of a black and white bird on a branch. Third was a bike getting crusheded by a tree on a street.
Its only 5:41. But I went to sleep at 10 haha.
Date: May 20th, 2008 7:34:52 am - Subscribe
Shit. I told B.L to press the button to play the music, as I went downstairs to start teh art presentation with some friends. Of course the rpesentaiton startd and no music. Great. I ran past the teachers adns tudents up teh stairs and started it, It was kinda to late since the slideshow was almost over. Ugh Whatever. Then N short fiction class, I forgot to change teh names on a story which was true I wrote, and said my name and knew I was in shit. It was not things I wanted people To know, but w.e it happened. Cant really change that. Shrugs. Now I have one more lame class, tehn off to Rhode Island. Im so stoked to see maybe my future college, and hot juicy men.
Ihave such an unsettling feeling. I do fine when IM listening to music.Spekaing of music, a few girls and guys of mine have been jammin and decieded we might start a legit band for kicks. Coming soon?
Date: May 19th, 2008 7:01:10 pm - Subscribe
How can I keep going on, when you just kept the crisitsm going about me. How Im not this, Im not that. Like I didnt know. You confirmed my insecruites. You put people down, but what is so high about you?
Maybe its the tactic of putting others down to feel better about yourself.
I didnt want to say goodbye, yet you cant even see that your the opposite of what you try to be. Goodbye untill youve changed not me.
Date: May 18th, 2008 11:01:53 pm - Subscribe
I wont pet anymore ego's.
I am sort of ready for that radical change, which is moving away. My brother, soul mate, christopher did, and ever since.I have been ready too. With him around I atleast had sanity, we would sit in a car untill 1 am, only person Ill allow myself to spill my guts to, my thinking, my truth withthin me. Id tell him my trust issues, how I get a rush of reality when I sit on a mountain and just breath in the sun. He nod, he'd get it. I love him. Hes in california. Its really hard.
Point being, If he can move on and start a new life, I can too.
Now Ill miss my other brother, carl, mom and dad too. Carl as I type this is sitting near me trying to throw crumpled candy wrappers in the garbage can, as my mother tells him to aim higher. I love them also. Them just being them is making me smile. Wait..Just got hit in the head hahaha thanks.
Random. Hes under me trying to find the paper he missed.hahaha.ok so wait trying to type. Now hes taking teh keyboard air cleaner and blowing it on my face.
Screw this, I cant write this. Im ready to move. Or maybe im not.
Post it notes.
Date: May 14th, 2008 7:20:18 pm - Subscribe
My father is obssesed with post it notes. We buy them as presents for him. Yellow paper on the fridge saying" hey, save some leftover", yellow on the tv "record this at 9", yellow once on my sotmach, just waking up .."good morning".
I esp. like the post it's that say " I love you" on my car window before I drive to troy.
I've only had one type of love in my life. Family love. I want someone to leave me a post it note saying " I will love you", who is a boy.
That is what i need right now. and an orange float.
Date: May 11th, 2008 8:23:08 am - Subscribe
WEll, first today is actually MAy 11,2008. Happy Mothers's day Ma Dukes.
I found it funy how my previous post about'advice'for college, was really for this thing on tv, where it said if you create a blog where you give acollege advice you could get money. sSO one day I just wrote evrtying I knew about college, yet I forget to sumbit my blog URL. Woops...
So yesterday, I was on a constant high of laughter.
From taking the T around Boston, to having a dance party in the middle of the street, I've really really came to realize, that, I got to let the good PEOPLE and good THINGS into my life. I don't want to push them away anymore, or have my stuipd 'walls' up. Im going to go to RISD, Im going to suck this kids face I like, Im going to join a hip hop class, im going to read more books, Im going to respect my parents more, and hang with my friends at emma before we all depart. Im almost 18, I need to stop wasting these years.
I like to bitch to myself
Date: Jan 9th, 2008 10:57:43 pm - Subscribe
The bitching blog.
Got rejected from a college monday. Ill just apply more places. Thinking of takinga year off. And then doing an A.O.S in graphic design somewhere.
Ill move to boston/nyc/rhode island. One of those. Just not cp anymore.
Christopher is moving to califorina tomorrow. We had a goodbye party for him tonight.
I skiped philo[shy today. Told him I felt sick, and really just got some soda at the store.
I also skipped community service. Well. I went held some babies, burped them, then left early and got some fries in dt troy.
I cant wait till friday
Dosket Pistols at valentines. 830-2?
And I keep sneezing. Damn septum.
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