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end-of divided - Subscribe
a house divided
against itself
must fall.

and a life
divided?

sectioned into
fenced-off areas;

keeping pieces in
separate boxes -

mirror: I see
your mistakes
in both of
my own eyes,

so I never
get to be
whole, and I
never reconcile -

how can I?

halves, at odds,
are parts of you
and repel

if you
couldn't stay
together, then
how can I
unite
myself?

if you couldn't
love
each other,
how will
my own bonds
be strong enough?

two sides
recognize
each other -
I can't be one
when I
am both

the pressure
imploding
divided, like you,
against myself,
I fall

I am not
equal
to the sum
of my parts,
so I fail

you shield
your flaws
from blame, and
history repeats:
I fall

divided,
like you, but
against myself,
my fate
is sealed:

I fall.
0 Comments
Mood: at odds.

end-of change. Apr 24th, 2011 4:25:52 pm - Subscribe
before towers
took root;
before train tracks
splintered out
like veins,

the rolling foothills,
the river valley
belonged
to the man at
the station

who asks if I
can spare a dollar,
because I
remind him of
his daughter.

he explains where
I can catch my bus
(I look lost)
he says

he's been there
all day
hoping to net that
spare change -
no luck yet.

and all I can see
is the prairie - once,
before the sidewalks,
before the stores.

that's the kind
of change
we hand out
to those who wait.

I remind him
of his daughter -
but I'll look after
my father
for all of his days;

and this daughter
has let him down,
just like the land that
should have been his.

I don't have a dollar
to give him, so I go,

but my soul stays
beside him -
on a bench at a station
in a city on the prairie -

also hoping
for change.
0 Comments
Mood: regretful.

end-of erosion. Apr 16th, 2011 11:36:12 pm - Subscribe
all of it
beyond me
now, floating
away

I'm trying
to learn
that I
can't stay -

yet I still
reach back,
grasp the next
solid thing
I know
to be true

and feel it
dissolve -

the foundation
I'm built on is
washing away;

all of my
elements
unstitched,

I'm adrift.
0 Comments
Mood: lost.

end-of all things Apr 3rd, 2011 11:03:45 pm - Subscribe
an education
in the fine art of
goodbyes;

a lesson
in loving
and letting go.

acceptance:
last to arrive
in sorrow -

the passing
of all that I
thought I held.

teach me
how to let go,
and release me.

I open my
hands - finally,
freefall -

I see now:
all things are
transient.
0 Comments
Mood: hopeful

end-of alternate Mar 26th, 2011 10:17:10 pm - Subscribe
gravity intensifies
my orbit
slipping
sideways

until you become
the centre
drawing me in
spinning me round

these parallels
|the things |
|that might |
|have been|

the membrane
between
alternate worlds

force you
into being,
in the future,

and to exist
a little closer
to my core.
0 Comments
Mood: hopeful.

end-of wings Mar 23rd, 2011 3:22:27 am - Subscribe
and I don't know
why you
should have
any hold on me now

except once
in your eyes
I saw the sky
reflected

and though I
could never see
beneath
your surface

for a moment
at least
I knew
your mind

though you
elude me
when I try to
look deeper

I yet sense
your longing;
your intention
to fly

earthbound
as I am,
you fill me
with wonder

the rush of
your intensity
and inscrutable
ways,

subtle hint of
your darkness
drawing me,
inexorable,

and the thrill of
the thought
of a moment
upon your wings.
0 Comments
Mood: overtired.

end-of reality Mar 21st, 2011 3:20:06 pm - Subscribe
(in my dreams)
no time at all
has passed
so I go and
I find you
and there you are,
before me

(and in dreams)
there are miracles
so I end up
in your arms
how could it be
otherwise?

(and in my dream)
you open the door
and I see your face -
so perfect -
and I'm relieved:
you're real.
I thought it might have been a...

and I wake
(of course)
in a room I recognize
and you're a million miles away
not knowing I think of you
nor that I ever did

I find your photograph
and there, your perfect face
not smiling for me -
only in dreams
do you look at me that way.

(and you
are far away
and I...
don't want to wake.)
3 Comments
Mood: frustrated.

aleaffalls Medical School Dropout? Jan 19th, 2011 12:52:09 am - Subscribe
Lately, there have been a lot of discussion surrounding an article written by Amy Chua in the Wall Street Journal entitled "Why Asian Mothers Are Superior".

This article, along with many other factors, has made me rethink the career path that I'm on. I always tell my friends, "Don't choose a career because of the money or because you want somebody other than yourself to be proud of you." But... have I not been taking to my own advice this whole time?

With each day that pass, I find that I lose the motivation and drive to attend class, study, or put in any effort. But school is expensive. Four years of undergrad and four more years of medical school. So far, I have $42,000 worth of debt. By the time I finish, I will have accumulated a total of $150,000 - not including interest. That is a scary amount; I can't bring myself to think about it. Of course, money isn't the reason I'm questioning myself.

I guess the main cause of my doubt is that I don't feel like I am learning in medical school. I went to class, studied, and did everything I needed to. But when people ask me a question pertaining to something I learned 3 months ago, my mind goes blank. Heck, if they ask something about what I learned last week, I don't know. Isn't that a scary thought? That a medical student, someone who will eventually have a huge impact on your life, can't retain any information? If I were anyone else, I wouldn't want me to be their doctor, or a doctor at all. How am I supposed to save people and think on my toes when I can barely remember to water my plant or pay my credit card bills.

I have a deep desire to help people, to make an impact, to leave a lasting impression. But am I meant to do that by being a doctor? There are plenty of careers out there that does that on a daily basis! Nurses, teachers, even event planners!

I have spent my whole life with my head in the books, studying and trying hard to make my parents proud. When I applied to medical school, I told myself that I was doing it because its what I wanted, not because of my parents. But now I'm not so sure.
I feel like I'm in the movie Inception and I am doing something that I don't want to do, but don't know it.

There are two scenarios that could possibly be my future.
1. I keep on going with medical school. Graduate in 3 years. Do my residency for say... 5 years. I'd be 30 then. Work hard to pay of my debt, which, by then, would probably be in the $170,000 - $200,000 ballpark due to interest. How long would that take me to pay off? Five to seven years if I'm very diligent and still live like a poor college student. Lets say it takes me 6 years, by then, I'll be 36. Still young enough to go back to school and do something else? Possibly.

But what if I quit now?

So here goes scenario #2. I drop out and am $42,000 in debt. I take my Microbiology degree and get a lowly lab tech job that pays no more than $30,000 a year. It'd take my (minus living expenses + interest) ~7 years to pay off my debt. What then? I'd always dream of owning my own business of... whatever. But what money would I use to do that? The ones growing in my tree in my backyard? Unlikely!

So I guess the real question is: Can one be happy in a career they don't think is meant for them that is time-consuming but also rewarding?
0 Comments
Mood: unsure

end-of unlearning. Dec 5th, 2010 10:17:31 pm - Subscribe
unlearning
what came with the price
what I paid dearly to know:
that life has walls and
you stay in yours
once you find them

unlearning
ways of seeing
to bleed away
the poison
of thinking I
know anything
at all

unlearning
to remember
what the words were

like the bloody elves
and that idiot shoemaker,
words turned the world for me
until I looked for them
to find they were never there

I'll lie here
in the dust of my ruins
serenading poetry
until it returns

I'll unlearn every
snare, every trap and trick
to capture words
taught by every teacher
of every creative art

until I return
to the base
of the temple
of language

where I worshipped
before I believed
I was god

I'll take any oath
submit myself to
be blinded from the eyes
of the world at my door

I cast the jury
from inside my head
to judge my feelings
no more

becoming stone
in silence
until the universe
is gone from here

until I remember
that once, ages past,
I was a poet
in my soul

until I recall
where my soul is
and that writing's
in my very blood

I'll continue
unlearning
until I'm worthy
of the words' return.
0 Comments
Mood: wistful.

broknangel The Truth. Jun 27th, 2010 5:36:43 am - Subscribe
This is the truth.

My life hasn't been an easy one. In everything I've struggled, and at every turn I come under the scrutiny of my family. The judgement. Why am I not better than who I am? The truth? They couldn't handle. The people I've lived with. The things I've dealt with? Sometimes even I don't even want to know.

I stopped "Living" at home when I was about 15. Everything I owned was still there, but I had license, and friends, and things with my family were going downhill. So i just stopped living there. It started with staying at a mates. for two or three weeks at a time. Sometimes more. I would come home for a week, and go away for four. I suppose it didn't help that I had quit school.

I turned 16. I got a job, and a car. I started housesitting. My grandparents went away when my grandfather was having chemo. I housesat. For six months. Bought my own food. etc. Everything. I guess I got the taste. By 16 I was a regular smoker, and I certainly wasn't a stranger to alcohol. My family? Back of my mind. Coming from a strong christian upbringing, i was breaking free... and in all the wrong ways.

At 17 I got myself a really good job in the town over from mine. I got on really well with the people I worked with, and soon moved in with a workmate, sleeping on a mattress in the living room for 3 months. Chain smoking, smoking pot, and drinking was a daily occurance.

Not long after my 18th birthday I moved into my first official flat. I was living with a girl. Lets call her "Sarah"... She seemed pretty cool, and in fact we got on like a house on fire. All her friends were straight away my friends, and I even began to call her mother "mum". Unfortunately the financial pressures of having a big house for just the two of us started to kick in and we decided to find another flatmate. A guy moved into the two bedroom sleepout outside, lets call him "Joe". He was straight. I mean so straight, I actually thing he might have been gay. His parents were rich, and constantly gave him everything he needed. I soon found out that "Joe" like "Sarah" was BiPolar. Neither of them felt like having a job, so both of them spunged off the government. It was alright to start with. I would get up at 6, be at work at 7, finish work at 5, and have tea, and go to bed. On the weekends we would get on the piss, and go out town. We started having parties. The parties were epic. To start with. They wen't downhill. The people got seedier and seedier, there were burns all over the carpets, from dropping spotting knives, the ceilings, once white, were now kind of brown from all the smoking, and there was rubbish everywhere, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. Of course during this time I had met "David".

It all came to a head when "Sarah" got particularly mental and I announced I was moving out. She went bitchy on me and psycho, and I hurriedly moved in with "David".

BAD MOVE!.

Everything was fine in the start. I lived with him, and in the house also lived his sister and her fiancee, and a friend of theirs. We all got on really well, and we all liked each other, and we had some amazing parties. Unlike parties at my old flat, the property was never damaged. There was no drugs, and there was no fights. It was great. Unfortunately I had got really sick, and lost my job, and was regularly having seizures. This i know put a lot of stress on "David". He got his dream job back in the town I had just moved from, and we moved back. We moved into a flat with two girls that just seemed awesome when we met them. Turns out its because they were drugged up to their gills. It gets worse.

Not only did they do every drug known to man, but the dealt half of it as well. We had parties. (come to think of it now, our partying was probably half the problem). The night never ended well, and within a couple of months, after only a year and a bit together, "david" and I broke up, caused, in part, by "Sarah", who I had tried to be-friend once again, who aparently was more interested in "david" than me. The day we broke up my best friend moved me into her house. Me and my cat Kiera, who I had gotten just after I moved in with "david" thrived in the new environment, and despite being heartbroken, and regularly taking way to many sleeping pills with wine, Things started to look up.

I was going out 4 nights a week, getting home trashed at 4am, sleeping til 3pm, and starting all over again. I was still sick, but i was improving. Christmas came and "David" and I started talking. we had both come to the decision that there was nobody else and on new years we got back together. at the same time I was well enough to start work, and i started looking for a job. Unfortunately my relationship with my best friend was deteriorating due to our rediculously different personalities constantly being shoved together, so I also started to look for a new place to live. I got a job and moved out in the same week.

I moved in with an older lady. I decided that if I wanted a more relaxed situation, then I would need to live with someone more mature. Not long after I moved in she announced she was a lesbian and her partner was moving in. I was slightly weirded out, but I was alright with it. Drugs re-rared their ugly head. The partner was a heavy pot smoker. Well I don't know why, but one day, six months later, the partner decided she didn't like me living there, and the lady asked me to move out. So i looked, and advertised for something LONG TERM. I was sick of moving. I was sick of uprooting my cat! Every time she got comfortable in a situation we would be moved on.

I found a place. It seemed nice. The guy was lovely, he had four daughters, and it was an enormous old house. I had my own entrance, my own carpark, my own bathroom/toilet, and the kitchen was right outside my bedroom. It wasn't to be. First of all the girlfriend turned out to be psycho, and came to me in the middle of night whenever they two of them had a fight, and the kids turned out to be demons!. They would use my toilet, and not flush it, and use all my shampoo, conditioner, bodywash etc. And once again, he constantly smoked weed.

When he started being awful to my cat, then I started getting uncomfortable, and it got to the stage where I was sneaking out first thing in the morning before anyone got up, and coming home extremely late at night when I was sure they were all in bed. I was terrified of seeing him. I was terrified that something would happen to my cat, and I was exhausted. For three months.

My best friend and her mother came to me and asked me to move back in. They love me, they trust me, and they hated their new flatmate. They were going away for 9 months and didn't trust him not to steal everything. So i moved in, and they left. A few weeks later he moved out. A couple of weeks later, i got a new kitten.

Now my life is good. I live alone. I have my cat and kitten to keep each other company when I'm working, and I see "david" regularly. I don't have to clean up after anyone, hide when people come to the door, or pay other peoples bills.

Finally. I'm in a place where I don't need to be ashamed.

And "david" and I are celebrating our 3 YEAR anniversary next week. happy.gif
0 Comments
Mood: burned-out
inspiration: So Cold - Breaking Benjamin

end-of better unsaid. Mar 26th, 2010 1:13:10 am - Subscribe
every
passing day
and

every day
breathlessly
lingering

these words
try to leap
from my lips

it's getting
harder
not to say

and when
I open to
your knock

the relief
makes my
knees weak

and when again
we part
at last

you leave me
with the
sweetest ache

you make sure
to leave
a space

for me to
feel you still
within

every day
passing
or standing still

it's getting
harder
not to say

the words
leaping from
my helpless lips:

I love you;
don't go away -
I want you to stay.
1 Comments
Mood: helpless

end-of lifelines. Dec 17th, 2009 6:21:15 pm - Subscribe
lifelines:
veins on
the back of
a fallen leaf

lifelines
that reach
across my palm
lifelines -
veins beneath
the skin
of my wrists

lifelines
you throw me
from dry land
as I drown
you don't see
my wrists
are bound

lifelines
I used to tie
my hands
together
believing I'd
never go under

life -
the blood
that pulses
through
lines -
the veins
beneath
my skin

lines
you throw
to save my
life
as I
let go

lifelines:
veins on
the back of
a fallen leaf

which floats,
then drifts
into the deep.
0 Comments
Mood: sinking.

end-of wake. Dec 16th, 2009 6:35:20 pm - Subscribe
[a dream
of being
held
home
loved

a dream of
sunlight
candleglow
afterglow

of morning
and night
and city lights
green leaves

a dream
of being loved
by you
being home.]

only

a dream...
I am awake now
and once again,
alone.
1 Comments
Mood: hollow.

aleaffalls Just Passing the Time Nov 23rd, 2009 6:36:18 am - Subscribe
I cried about you last week. You would think I'd be over it by now.

But I still miss you.

You seem fine without me though. You were never really broken up about it... It's a sign. You obviously didn't care as much.
So why am I still holding on?

I saw pictures of you from this weekend - you look happy. Are you guys really friends again? Congratulations.



I don't think we could ever be friends again. I want to - I really do - but it just hurts too much.
0 Comments

freshideas Curiousity Nov 18th, 2009 4:19:53 pm - Subscribe
A friend Omi said hi to me and asked me if I know Erika. I said yes, yet when I asked him what's up on us three, he wouldn't answer. Whatever that is, I want to know. Honestly, I just love myself I don't want to let them mess up well-cherished connections.
0 Comments
Mood: self-conscious