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im stealing time from work and i saw tori. complete. |
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how can I fall asleep.. I'm scared of the middle place between life and nowhere ~ soft reflections now. subtle touches on the skin. i sigh and let it fall away. again. i will let you in again, you know i will always let you in.. |
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the song is coming.. the lion-sun is breathing into me: words and note cycles; revolving, hammering, flying, coming home.. my fingers hurt from playing piano too much.. i feel like im having an affair.. and i feel so alive :p |
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i am awake. wide, in fact. 4 hours of dreaming in metropolis and cells brimming with sleeplessness. mind has been so overcrowded with stringless thoughts and sticky webs of reflections, its bordering on intolerable. well, i guess it has been intolerable. cells have had enough and benumb themselves with virtual, visual anaesthetics. ephemeral first aid. i've made only vague gestures in response to my pestering will to change, to leave, to grow. i feel like i am sinking into a deeper part of this cycle. deeper: im in norway again, smoking, holding hands with ina. wanting to forget what i left behind in the desert. i no longer want to hold relationships that contaminate with their pallor and grey-tinged forgetting, yet i long for this heart centredness that sometimes envelopes from within. i breathe deep into my lungs. the staleness scraping out catches on a memory, i cough reactively and eyes moisten with reflective jewels. at this moment i am lost in this. surrender. then, fleetingly, i find my trust in the movement of love and let go.. |
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suzie called michael and had her lawyerish way with him, felt good to know she was doing my secret bidding. he called me back 1 minute after she gave him the dead line. he was curious, apologetic. just how i wanted, i guess. i rambled for a bit about feelings and such. he rambled a bit about thoughts and misconstrued feelings. i don't really want much, just a friendship and perhaps a better chance at something other than tedious unfulfilling drunken sex. im about to light a stuyvo in the house. there you go; lit. no ashtray around, but carrie is keeping company, i see. i think the allure is all in the ignis fatuus and the hollywood via NY dreamland i live in when it comes to this 'love' thing i don't know anything about. im ashing in my 50 cent fuchsia candle holder and thinking about my friends. is this [and by this, i refer to my digressive monologue] really what it takes for me to realise what it is to have friends that i love? even when its sometimes fractious to be close to people.. to be alcoholised and smoking and being in NY. really? is this what it takes to be fluid? i have faith that it is not. i feel the fluidity at times, yet still notice the jarring gracelessness that grips at my throat. i let this go and just sit with all these tumultuous ramblings. hyperdictionary, hello. so what happens? i just sit with it and let it go? i guess so. it doesn't really feel like much, so another stuyesant kinda smokes it out and i forget again. im not even breathing it into my lungs now, just mouthing the words and insufflating into the ether. im barely breathing now; damned peter s and his dutch conquering of new yorks fertile soils. is this dutch courage and the concealed fatuousness of my online life? i dunno. breath and convoluted ringlets of smoke. full stop. i think of sarah. i feel sick. why am i smoking? im sick of this seriousness that im predisposed to. habit? probably. ungracious charredness that is my breath. im gonna stop right now. |