outoforder's Blog

another day
Date: Jan 18th, 2006 3:24:15 am - Subscribe
Mood: unhealthy


today marks another uneventful day in my life. blah, i just want seomthing new to happen to me to make me excited about life. i need a boyfriend here. i'm tired of not having one here and it just sucks. or maybe i now know that i can possibly have one here so it makes me rethink having a long distance one in general. is it really worth the distance? that's whats been racking my brain lately.

i dont know. i say i love you, and i think i mean it. i know i mean it? i do. but there's just a part of me, well, there's always a part of me that always wants to test the other waters. that's just how i am and i can't change it. yes, unhealthy, is it because i'm not truly happy with who i'm with? or is it just cuz i'm just like that? i'm not really sure, but this new guy..wow. just wow. it woiuld just be so much fun. and it would take me away from the seriousness of my current one. i dont know. damn i'm so confused. i'm thinking about it way too much.

beside that, i've been getting way too annoyed lately. i don't think i've really been acting myself for some reason and i'm not quite sure what the reason for. i just can't stand people sometimes. self-centered, righteous people. they just need to stop thinking the world revolves around them because it doesn't. life doesn't fucking revolve around anything.

life is just...well...life. you live that shit, and if it's shitty, well hell, change it. cuz you only get that one chance and everything seems to change by just the blink of an eye. one move, one rash decision, one glance and the entire course of your life changes. isn't that crazy?? gosh, you know you think about it today and it just ceases to amaze you. but think about when you were a kid, and the decisions you made back them. you didn't even know who the hell you were, and yet that chould have changed who you are now.

i'm thinking into this way too much, but that's just crazy. too many courses down the road. too many "pick your own road" shits. why can't there just be someone there who'll tell you, oh hey don't choose him cuz he'll fuck you over. or hey don't do that cuz you'll be fucked over. i guess if there is a person there, there's no point in living rihgt? life is spontaneous or whatever. i don't know, i don't have a fucking point really i'm just rambling.

i just wish there were a lot of things i could have changed. there are some decisions that i wish i rethought. i wish i didn't choose this school. if i didn't, i wouldn't have been heart broken. the worst kind of ache is a fucking heartache, no matter what anyone tells you. seriously, i've fell over, had tooth aches, mosquito bites, burns and shit, but the one thing that never fucking goes away is a heart ache. it takes forever. and i'm really still not over it. don't trust love. it'll royally fuck you over.
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