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outoforder
on a positive note - Subscribe
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i'm tired of so many bullshit negative shits i put up with so i'm gonna write about things that i'm looking forward to this winter break 1. disneyland. 2. working at johnny rockets and making a shit load of money to spend on stupid shit like jeans and other materialistic bullshit i don't need 3. playing some tennis and hopefully whooping on tiff's ass even though that probably won't happen 4. sleeping in and waking up to something mom will cook and i will eat, feel guilty, attempt to purge but fail, and go shopping 5. the cold ass house but my cabelasss yesss 6. driving again 7. visiting ame at irvine 8. my birthday? 9. new years and my resolutions i intend to leave behind 2 wks after the new year. holy shit i'm tired. i need to study and stop wasting time on stupid blogging. fuck finals week. i think i'd be ugly if i were as skinny as nicole richie. plus food's too good. |
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outoforder
this is what happens when you give in Dec 6th, 2005 6:03:35 am - Subscribe
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you get fucked over! i really can't believe it happened to me again and how i let it. i'm really dumb and prone to bullshit. he does this over and over again, and i just keep letting it happen. i'm soooo stupid. to hear my heart out for one time, and i mess things up. things are really messed up. i just need this to be over. i'm turning 20, new year new me. i hate being so disappointed in myself. especially when i know this entire thing could have been avoidable. i chose the wrong path again, and now i need to go through the consequences. i can't wait to see my sisters again, they make me sane. ughghgh. i'm way to dramatic. don't you ever think to yourself, "god why am i complaining so much, there are people out there who don't even have a penny in their pockets, and here i am, sitting with a token opportunity to shine in my hand and throwing it away at the very first sign of defeat or disappointment." he makes me fucking crazy and he needs to get out of my life. the thing is, i let him back in every time. |
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outoforder
meh. Dec 6th, 2005 6:10:08 pm - Subscribe
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so i'm feeling a little bit better than last night. i think it was my period taking over all parts of my emotion, which i need to not do. my final's in 3 hours, and i don't feel quite ready, but i've become settled with the fact that it's okay to mess up. pick yourself up and try again. isn't that what's life about? to forgive? i was always sure of myself that people who cheat on others are the worst and don't deserve a second chance. what happens when you cheat on someone? does that mean that they're really not for you? and why do people cheat? that whole night just replays in my head like that scene from sexandthecity. big haunts carrie like the way he haunts me. the thing is, my life is not some fairytale ending. i'm not going to be with him because it's just not going to happen. he's too cocky and i'm just 2nd best. i'm being way too selfish. second best doesn't get anywhere. |
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outoforder
today was an okay day Dec 14th, 2005 2:32:43 am - Subscribe
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i think i'm feeling better now that i'm home. things are getting better in my life, now that he's no longer here again. i'm picking up running again, i'm working and making money, i have my sisters, and that's all i really need. as much as i love being in san diego, when i'm back at home, he's not in my mind. it's so weird how much power he has over me and how vulnerable i am to it. it's so strange how every touch, every word, every look i can remember from him. i can remember what i wore, i can remember what i said, where i was, how i felt, what i was thinking, every tiny little detail i can remember. but when it comes to my own, i can't even remember our first date. what does that mean? i really don't know. but it's not like we're ever going to be together. he won't make me happy. the idea of being with him makes me happy, but inevitably he will hurt me. because to him, i'm only second best and taht will always stay the same no matter what i do. unless i know how to crack through my own shell and find a type of subsistence to him. until then, i will still be the same. tonight i had dinner with him and his friends, and it was nice. gosh his friends are so funny it made my night. it made me rethink my decision to end it. i don't know if i should or not, or when i should. in my heart, i'd like to end it soon but i know it would be too much at work if i did do that. he doesn't deserve to be with a liar. that's my own thoughts on that one. i'm pretty superficial, i might add. as much as i hate it, i can't help myself. |
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outoforder
eating Dec 15th, 2005 3:24:09 am - Subscribe
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i think i'm always going to have an eating disorder of some type. i don't know why, but i think i will always think i'm fat. blah i hate it so much. everytime i try on pants, it's really the pants thing, i feel like i gained a million pounds. that's okay though, because as long as i'm still running i 'll be okay. i hate grades. i hate how people base how well you do in school on your grades. i'm just not a grades person. i'm not really all that smart as much as people think i am. i have to work hard, and that's hard for me because i get so damn distracted so easily. boyfriends distract me, boys distract me. basically, it's the boys. can't live with them and can't live without them. yeah i got my grade for chem back and yeah i have to retake the stupid class and i can't stand the fact that i do, but i feel so stupid when it comes down to that i hate it so much. blah i can't help it. i can't help but feel so stupid compared to all the over-achievers at school. it really makes me rethink my major and if i'm really cut out to be a bio major. i mean, don't get me wrong i love it, but i dont' know if i can really hack it. i might not be smart enough. i cringe at that thought. but i can't help it. ugh sucky sucky. i feel pretty gross and dirty right now, but if i shower now, i'm not going to run tomorrow and i think that might be a little more important. i am just soo lazy right now ijust want to collapse and sleep forever. |