outoforder's Blog

today was an okay day
Date: Dec 14th, 2005 3:32:43 am - Subscribe
Mood: tearful


i think i'm feeling better now that i'm home. things are getting better in my life, now that he's no longer here again. i'm picking up running again, i'm working and making money, i have my sisters, and that's all i really need. as much as i love being in san diego, when i'm back at home, he's not in my mind.

it's so weird how much power he has over me and how vulnerable i am to it. it's so strange how every touch, every word, every look i can remember from him. i can remember what i wore, i can remember what i said, where i was, how i felt, what i was thinking, every tiny little detail i can remember. but when it comes to my own, i can't even remember our first date.

what does that mean? i really don't know. but it's not like we're ever going to be together. he won't make me happy. the idea of being with him makes me happy, but inevitably he will hurt me. because to him, i'm only second best and taht will always stay the same no matter what i do. unless i know how to crack through my own shell and find a type of subsistence to him. until then, i will still be the same.

tonight i had dinner with him and his friends, and it was nice. gosh his friends are so funny it made my night. it made me rethink my decision to end it. i don't know if i should or not, or when i should. in my heart, i'd like to end it soon but i know it would be too much at work if i did do that. he doesn't deserve to be with a liar. that's my own thoughts on that one.

i'm pretty superficial, i might add. as much as i hate it, i can't help myself.


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