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Author: long_gone

Mood: better

Went swimming at the lake yesterday with my fiancée, some friends, and there kids. It was a lot of fun actually! They have a 1 1/2 yr old and it was his first time in anything bigger than a kiddie pool. He had a floaty but his face was still great to see. Big old smile and an evil giggle here and there. Amazing how a kid can make your day better. Was way grumpy after a while yesterday when I was getting tired. Also we ran into one of dads "friends". I should totally be used to it by now but some things just still get to me and some "surprises" just take a while to shake off. Oh, well whats done is done, and stuff is just stuff. In the long run they say its the thought that counts and as long as you still have these people in your heart they'll always be with you. Man, I hope that's true. Hoping to bug my Tab to go with me and Grams dress shopping soon.... I'm getting EXCITED!!! Just gotta not let myself stress the small stuff. The important detail is I love the big head, he makes me smile, and he tries. With that, eventually we can fix the rest. Well I believe this is one of my longer rambling posts and so far not to grumpy sounding...good sign?.... maybe?....well shit either way I'll take it! grin.gif

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No privacy or any sense of a real life.

Apr 6th, 2011 10:37:43 am - Subscribe

Author: long_gone

Mood: hopeless

I don't really feel like writing at this moment I really feel like ranting to the heavens, to the neighbors, to anyone and everyone who will listen. I wanna just tear out my hair and scream and be a crazy person. I mean really!!! I have no internet yet I try to get on as often as I can. Writing soothes and calms me, it helps me keep my head on straight which is great with the everything else that's going on. However I can't even do that. I have... I mean had... a journal at my house to write in and after the 4th person to pretty much destroy/read it I quit! Fuck it i'll write in it when I can and damn any poor souls who are around between now and then. Should I put a dead bolt on my bedroom door in my own house just so I can keep something...anything...private. Ridiculous. Should I just start tryin to be a raging psycho so maybe there scared of me and leave my shit alone? I am supposed to get marries in a year and I'm not sure if i even want to. Who wants one or all 3 of there brother -in-laws living on there couch sucking them dry like a leech. I love Kenny truly with all my heart but it has been almost 5 years now and nothing has changed in that department we just keep trading them out. I am so almost over this. Yes I know I seem to always be bitching on here but I have no one to talk to and obviously no journal left so FFUCK IT!!! Worl be prepared. Hopefully next time I get on I can write and entry full of sunshine and light but realistically.... probably not.

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When it rains it pours...

Oct 25th, 2010 8:24:03 am - Subscribe

Author: long_gone

Mood: losin it

I don't get to get on much anymore. Seems crazy because i used to get one all the time. But now i'm always working or watching kids, plus I don't have my own net connection anymore. I have a journal at home on paper. It's just not the same. It's totally getting to the point were I don't wanna answer my phone anymore. Every time I do it's someone telling me bad news or wanting something. I hate to break it to people but I have way too much shit to do already to add holding there hand to that list. The people who need the help the most don't want it and everyone else is so used to someone cleaning up there messes for them that they keep askin for help they don't really need. I'm just gonna do what I can for who I can and say screw the rest. You can't pick your own kids up from school. I don't care. You can't pay your bills because you spent all of your money on stupid crap. I don't care. You are gonna have to work late because I requested the day off...for once..... I don't care. I am broke, lonely and sad too you see me tryin to get anyone else to make it cuz I did it to myself just stop bitchin and fix it if you want it to get better. No one says your step dad is dying of cancer here's some free money so you can go up and see him. No one says your mom needs's a work vacation so you can go help her take care of him. No one says your are going to be very close if not late on rent this month... dont worry bout it live here for free. No one says you need phone minutes to keep up with the tests results phone messages... here's a free phone card. No... no ones wiping my ass or making my life easier why should I try so damn hard to help with there's especially when it keeps getting me screwed over. Oh, well there's my bitchy hormonal "grown adults should take care of themselves or have no legal rights rant." Think of me what you will cuz guess what... I DON'T CAREgrin.gif lol

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Mixed up and confused!

Mar 19th, 2010 11:47:12 pm - Subscribe

Author: long_gone

Mood: fragile

Everything has been crazy lately. It seems almost impossible that its been a year since my dad passed. Some days are normal and some days it seems like my brain will explode! I am so emotional lately I start crying over little things. I get irritated over nothing, and not sleeping well. Anyway long story short I decides that it was stuff I could no longer deal with myself and went to the local Lutheran which offers free counciling and talked to lady. I am on a waiting list and have to wait for another appointment I am super nervous and yet mildly excited at the same time. It's hard. I hate asking people for help and I don't like talking to strangers. But its been a long time since I've had someone to talk to that was not judging me based on what they wanted God I hope they get space soon. I completely understand that there are people out there that need help sooner than me I am just nervous and impatient. I worry about everything too much... including worrying too much. Oh well I'll survive. Hopefully. Just kidding. Well time to try and sleep now that I've mildly calmed the tornado of my mind. B-dee, b-dee, b-dee that's all folks!

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Too true...

May 1st, 2009 4:38:39 am - Subscribe

Author: long_gone

Mood: needy

I heard this song and I didn't know why I lvoed it so much at first. Then I looked up the lyrics and realized I probably couldnt have writted the feelngs any better myself. But it's how I feel most days...

"I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?"

Comments: 2

R.I.P. J.M.B. Apr. 2nd 2009

Apr 6th, 2009 11:39:20 pm - Subscribe

Author: long_gone

Mood: fuzzy

My father passed away like...3... days ago... wow only three I can't believe it, it feels infinitely longer and at the same time shorter than that. I have only broke down once so far, thank god, but I just know it's coming. I am numb right now I am sure this entry will come off very blah for such a horrible event but I just can't seem to let myself feel much because as soon as I do I will loose it. I can't afford to lose it right now because we have to do the funeral and the caskets and all of that still. I am not the oldest it is not technically my job to do those things but I can't leave my sister to do it all her self, she needs help and she needs someone to be there for her as much if not, honestly, more than we do. There is a lot on her shoulders right now and I hope I have helped relieve that in some small way. My younger brother scares me we almost lost him last year, and he's on meds for depression and he hasn't cried or really got upset at all. I am hoping he is just sticking it out and trying to stay strong like the rest of us but eventually I know he has to let it out. I don't know why I am telling you guys all of this I believe it's because I have been camping at my sisters for a few days so I have none of my writing stuff and I need a release. When there is too much on my mind I can't sleep and I would really like to so sometimes if I write it helps relieve that. I am rambling I know but I know that once I lay down to sleep I will start thinking again. During the day we have lots to do so i can kind of just sit back and auto pilot myself but at night there are no distractions from my thoughts and usually they crush me the most. I was supposed to be on the way to my friends wedding when I found out I was the maid of honor.... I feel bad because I had to leave, I had to be here and she says she understands.... I really think and hope so... I owe her SO SO much. I finally got to see my brother Johnny again it has been years that was also great and I made sure to get solid contact info this time because I don't want to lose him again and when he wants to be lost he's pretty slippery. Well I guess that's it my eye lids feel like there covered in cement... lets hope this sleep thing works huh... ok well bye!

Comments: 0

Despair in a pretty package.

Sep 12th, 2008 12:26:17 am - Subscribe

Author: long_gone

Mood: desolate

How can I still love something
that has broken my heart so thouroghly
How come I am never enough
Why aren't my blood, sweat, time, tears,
smiles, laughs, hopes and fears
not enough for anyone
I gave up my heart
My passion
My personality
My peace
My family
My friends
My safety
My security
and my home
and jumped out on a tiny limb
praying you could catch me if I fell
your arms are strong enough
your shoulders broad enough
your heart big enough
your mind clear enough
and yet you dropped me again
how can I love you if I cannot trust you
how can you hear anyone talk
when your screaming so loud
will I ever be strong enough
to keep you from bringing me down
I should have listened to my heart
I new you were all the same
I new you would be just like him
but am I all to blame
for I may be the fool who fell for your lies
but in the end your going to lose your own game

Comments: 1

Spiraling down

Aug 14th, 2008 2:46:13 am - Subscribe

Author: long_gone

Mood: terrified

"...learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void."

I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life not even a week ago. I am still scared everyday that I still could. It wasn't an accident it was a choice and one that could easily be made again that's what scares me so damn much! I found this quote a few days after the incident and I have to say that I agree. I couldn't just sit and bawl and worry I worked and cleaned and did everything I could to fill my head with the stupid comings and goings of my day to day life. The people in my life were great they did everything they could to help me and so much more. I will never forget them as long as I live. I will never forget how they were there for me. I love them all so much and I don't ever know how I could repay them.

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alright now...

Aug 8th, 2008 10:28:23 pm - Subscribe

Author: phantasmic

Mood: demure

time to be honest with myself here, my rejected feeling isn't just from tonight's "later" but "no" that is all too familiar....i feel this way because of all the "let's hang out"s, the "i miss you"s, the "we should catch up"s, and all the other empty phrases that go unfinished. it's not always the thought that counts. intention isn't always good enough. i want things to be said, and done. not said and left alone. is that so much to ask? maybe it is. i try my hardest to do what i say i'm going to do. i guess i just wish people could do the same for me now and again.

yeah this is a lot of silly thought vomit, but maybe it'll allow me to get some sleep if i release this emotional buildup. ha. right. i always bottle it all up. but it never really explodes. more like a pop bottle, i'll fizz over and make a mess, but no real harm done. i need an outlet, something other than this blog. besides, i hardly use it anyway. no point really with no feedback. then again, maybe i don't need the feedback, i tend to sort it all out in my head after a while. would be nice to have someone to speed up the process though. oh well.

and oddly enough, the randomly associated mood is just my personality. the boy tells me often enough how i need to lighten up, have some fun.....but how can i when no one seems to want to have fun with me?

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Stranger things

Jul 1st, 2008 11:50:17 pm - Subscribe

Author: long_gone

Mood: comfortable

I have had an interesting day running into an old friend who I am now chatting with. I didn't realize I missed this friend so much, or rather the side of myself that person brings out in me. I really enjoy our conversations, though they tend to float a lot between several topics. It amuses me. I couldn't wait to get online and see if my friend was there. I think that is part of the reason I miss certain people so much and avoid others even more because they each bring out a different part of me and some of them I enjoy more than others. Some I have to play or change to make fit there standards and that really grates on my nervous system after a time. I feel as if I can kind of, let a certain, often smothered part of me breathe around this person and it feels good to stretch my lungs. Well that is all I will ramble for the moment. Until later. Bye

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