My Friends: just_jes, amigone, indie-guy, crowsblood, Deathcab4U, marlene, hushpuppy, plue, brokenxlow, toxic, mutantdisc, bloodtears, prettydead, emokid, heart_eyes, __k4tt, rebelheart, long_gone
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emokid I can't believe I'll miss you - Subscribe
Can you shut your mouth and listen when I tell you about my day?
Can you stop and wait for me to catch up instead of just slowing down?
Can you just let me take a nap on the sofa when I get home from school?
Can you remember to fill out my school forms before they are due?
Can you let me organize my room the way I want?
Can you buy American cheese, not Swiss, because I'm the one who eats it, not you.
Can you not argue with dad in front of me?
Can you not pick on all my insecurities?
Can you wake up on time so we're not late?
Can you be supportive for once?
Can you show me that you're proud of the little things I do?
Can you not talk about your "audlt problems" and how "hard" your life is?
Can you control yourself when we go out?
Can you trust that I'll call if I need you?
Can you not blame me for everything going wrong in your life?
Can you not say "he is a fucking asshole"?
Can you respond when I ask you a simple question?
Can you make it so I don't cry when you're gone?
0 Comments
Mood: angsty

deathcab4u Goals Sep 17th, 2008 4:29:01 am - Subscribe
Currently:

Quitting Jimmy Johns and beginning at Dominos starting monday. Offer to be assistant manager at Halloween Express with Lauren.

As far as money goes making more would be nice but in the long run I think time to devote to personal development, school and volunteering will be more important than paying off all my bills a little faster.

Plan A:
Within a week of today have requested professional letters of recommendation from 5 people and ask that they have them to me within 2 weeks of request. Within 1 week of receiving the letters have applied to three Wilderness Therapy Schools on the list provided by a friend. Also contact family in Oregon and Utah to explain plans and request hospitality if I am selected and accept a job offer.

Also, within a week find information for CPR and First Aid Certifications and get that done within 3 weeks if possible.

If invited to go to a training session and hired I will move be moving out of state and must complete obvious preparations for making such a move.

Plan B:
If not selected for a field instructor position at this time request feedback about what to do to to be hirable for that type of work. Take Action on feedback.

In addition volunteer with High School Youth Group and/or Boy Scouts. In January Take EMT courses. In the summer work at a youth summer camp to gain more experience in that area. Re-apply to Wilderness Therapy Schools in the end of the summer.

Also currently I must talk to my father about money for current tuition and maybe some money to help with my vehicle registration. Must also cut back discretionary spending.
0 Comments
Mood: sick and tired...make my cold go away!
: The Avett Brothers

long_gone Despair in a pretty package. Sep 12th, 2008 5:26:17 am - Subscribe
How can I still love something
that has broken my heart so thouroghly
How come I am never enough
Why aren't my blood, sweat, time, tears,
smiles, laughs, hopes and fears
not enough for anyone
I gave up my heart
My passion
My personality
My peace
My family
My friends
My safety
My security
and my home
and jumped out on a tiny limb
praying you could catch me if I fell
your arms are strong enough
your shoulders broad enough
your heart big enough
your mind clear enough
and yet you dropped me again
how can I love you if I cannot trust you
how can you hear anyone talk
when your screaming so loud
will I ever be strong enough
to keep you from bringing me down
I should have listened to my heart
I new you were all the same
I new you would be just like him
but am I all to blame
for I may be the fool who fell for your lies
but in the end your going to lose your own game
1 Comments
Mood: desolate

deathcab4u Rainy Day Sep 4th, 2008 6:46:29 am - Subscribe
Sometimes I feel like I am a character in a movie.


Except...


In movies even the guy I play ends up with some sort of resolution.


I don't want to be at the end of my story in any sense, but it sure feels like I experience a lot of conflict for so little reward or consolation.


On the bright side, Poison Oak Media is kicking off. An idea I had a year ago is finally coming to realization with the help of my best friend. Our combined skills is what the company needed to become something real.


I am really excited and am planning on putting a lot of effort into this renewed initiative.


I had to call in sick due to anxiety attack again so I figured I'd make good use of my day. I feel like we did well, I got a lot done and am a step closer to doing something I love to survive.
3 Comments
Mood: angsty
: Blue Mountain - Rainy Day

deathcab4u Boop Beep Boop Sep 3rd, 2008 4:18:57 am - Subscribe
Re-activated my emusic account and got 75 free downloads. I got to pick up some music ive wanted to for awhile now and some new stuff too.

I doownloaded music from:

Vampire Weekend
The Gaslight Anthem
Damien Jurado
Dr Manhattan
Blue Mountain
Frightened Rabbit

I am a really big fan of Alt Country, stuff like Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Son Volt, Wilco and stuff that has a little twang ya know what I mean?

I really enjoy that bluegrassy touch to country.
0 Comments
Mood: funky

deathcab4u FAT TIRE Sep 1st, 2008 5:56:54 am - Subscribe
Another lovely Sunday.

I have one day off from work each week and I try to make it the BEST day of the week.

Today I went to church and then met with my bro's for bible study. Then we went to the Guitar Center and one of my friends bought a Synth for their band.

After that 3 of us went to a little pub in town and had a pint of Fat Tire and some sandwiches, it was fantastic!

Always good to have a pint before 20s group bible study. And then another one after bible study? Yes please!

SO yeah, after 20s group 8 of us went to a different bar for a pint f Hacker Pshorr and it was a great time.

MORAL of the STORY: 2 Pints of Beer, 2 Bible Studies, Church and the best friends you could ask for make up an amazing sunday.


I recommend it to anyone who loves the lord and cold beer as much as me!


K, well I think I work tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep and pray to god that I do his will and work wherever he places me. And I might plead like a child for it to be somewhere else sooon lulz.

I know that His work needs to be done everywhere in the world, and that this might even be the place I make the connection to my next step of life, that or its just building characer /sigh.
1 Comments
Mood: content
: Conor Oberst - Cape Canaveral

deathcab4u HOLY SMOKES Aug 21st, 2008 7:14:40 am - Subscribe
WOW

WOW

WOW

I remembered this blog today and GO FIGURE, it still exists. My GUTS SPLATTERED all over a page on the internet!

Well I'll be damned, I can't resist the urge to post and to read about myself because i don't know who I am anymore =*(

Funny the things we do when we are stressed and tired. Lost and confused. I'd write in a journal but its in the car and I def prefer typing. Also, the feeling that this may be read is comforting in a weird way. YEAH OK.

Anyways, 2am and I am guess I should hit the sack and try to keep my cool. ALL I WANT TO DO IS LET OUT A LITTLE STEAM AND RELEASE SOME TENSION!

k thx ttyl

EDIT: Ok I read some entries from when I was with B. If I learned anything its that spending so much time with a person and obsessing over them is recipe for disaster. YIKES. lol. I will not let that happen again. Personal time > Needy Relationships.
3 Comments
Mood: emotional
: Against Me - Impact

long_gone Spiraling down Aug 14th, 2008 7:46:13 am - Subscribe
"...learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void."

I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life not even a week ago. I am still scared everyday that I still could. It wasn't an accident it was a choice and one that could easily be made again that's what scares me so damn much! I found this quote a few days after the incident and I have to say that I agree. I couldn't just sit and bawl and worry I worked and cleaned and did everything I could to fill my head with the stupid comings and goings of my day to day life. The people in my life were great they did everything they could to help me and so much more. I will never forget them as long as I live. I will never forget how they were there for me. I love them all so much and I don't ever know how I could repay them.
0 Comments
Mood: terrified

long_gone Stranger things Jul 2nd, 2008 4:50:17 am - Subscribe
I have had an interesting day running into an old friend who I am now chatting with. I didn't realize I missed this friend so much, or rather the side of myself that person brings out in me. I really enjoy our conversations, though they tend to float a lot between several topics. It amuses me. I couldn't wait to get online and see if my friend was there. I think that is part of the reason I miss certain people so much and avoid others even more because they each bring out a different part of me and some of them I enjoy more than others. Some I have to play or change to make fit there standards and that really grates on my nervous system after a time. I feel as if I can kind of, let a certain, often smothered part of me breathe around this person and it feels good to stretch my lungs. Well that is all I will ramble for the moment. Until later. Bye
0 Comments
Mood: comfortable

long_gone Your so gay... and you don't even like boys!!! Jun 14th, 2008 4:18:43 pm - Subscribe
So what's new you ask... life! I have a job at Subway, yes I am a slave of the corporate machine. Oh well, it pays the bills and I love my boss. Boss = my friend Rachel who is hands down the coolest boss ever. I work random hours though usually I close, and I get to eat Subway which as far as fast food goes, doesn't suck to heinously. Tomorrow is my birthday, WOOT! I guess. I don't know if I'm half as excited as everyone else seems to be but it does make me feel loved that they care so much. Presently tally at the moment...one... one totally awesome one! I got a book from my friend/ neighbors boyfriend Joe. Ok, so those of you who don't get why that's awesome... firstly I love books... secondly I don't have to by it now... thirdly it's the fourth book to a series I have read the rest of by one of my favorite authors... and fourth...ly?... I TOTALLY WANTED IT BAD!!! I squealed like a girl when I saw it. Later today I am supposed to go see my family for birthday celebrations, which is sweet because I get to see my mom and my brother who I miss more than any... anywhere. And I also hope to get more nifty presents and get to do some fun stuff with my family. I hope... they have a tendency to be... hypocritical and judgmental... but when they get that way I hide in my little circle with my mom and bro and step dad and take solace in the fact that there are still open minded people out there somewhere. Well, I think this is already longer than I intended so I will stop rambling... oh, wait... here is a pic of my new tattoo right after it was finished... I love it!!!!
Photobucket

And here is a video for the song this entries named after... you should watch it, it's funny as hell!



Lol, love you guys!!! Bye!
0 Comments
Mood: Excited/Nervous

marlene Send me right back from where i came Apr 12th, 2008 10:32:40 am - Subscribe
So I've moved in with a friend from work, its going quite well. She keeps trying to set me up with men though, which is kinda weird.

Got my own xbox finally, some sweet games on it. I'm an addict of GH3 ...
My GT is Sensarity if anyone else is an xbox nerd like me, add it.

anyway, I cant sleep, been too busy rearranging my room, got it done for the most part, having trouble finding a good tv to invest in. Bought one second hand, but found out you cant get to the input without a remote (which it didnt come with) so I can't even use it for gaming.
Oh Well.

Lifes good none the less, I think
1 Comments
Mood: ...
: Spoon

marlene tenderly kissed Mar 29th, 2008 5:57:07 am - Subscribe
Ever have those days you feel so undesirable and uninteresting and have convinced yourself you are the most boring person on earth? Welcome to my every day life.

I think lately I've done well at convincing myself otherwise though. I have a girl thats interested in me, unfortunately we both suck at organizing schedules and being the man. My roommate said I was the coolest girl he has ever met with the best sense of humor (blush) and I got a review at work worthy of a twenty cent raise and praise from the boss. Life was going great, till my roommates started asking stuff from me I don't know I can give.

I need to talk to my mom.

The best part of my day though was this;



I thought it only appropriate to have a travel mug that best describes me in some way, since I work at a coffee shop.
I'm way too excited about it.
Kinda pathetic? Maybe not ...atleast before I took a picture of it ...and posted it ...

-marlene
1 Comments
Mood: meh
: grandaddy - miner at the dial-a-view

marlene its easy Mar 28th, 2008 6:06:00 am - Subscribe
i'm so tired of myself, my sad, over emotional emo self. i hate being mad at someone, so furious about something so ridiculous, yet they don't see the problem, then when youre finally able to say how fucking pissed you are, you act like a bimbo just to keep the peace as if everything is ok.

well everything isn't ok

and i need to run away, run back home. i dont know if i want pity, or if i want to leave just so a year or two down the line, theyll have regrets. i dont even know if he'd miss me if i was gone. maybe thats what i want to find out.

dont even listen to me, i just want to whine to someone who isnt myself for a change.
1 Comments
Mood: irked
: grandaddy - revolution cover

marlene Paranoid Android Mar 20th, 2008 6:39:39 am - Subscribe
Lifes been pretty great, met up with my lady friend and we watched some tv together. She asked to take me out to dinner sometime so as much as I hate to admit it, it might be my first actual date.
Hopefully it goes well.

I'm so addicted to Daria.

Lifes been boring, no work tomorrow, don't know what I'll do, but it should hopefully be fun.
0 Comments
Mood: super
: Radiohead

marlene I spent the summer wasting Mar 17th, 2008 7:20:02 am - Subscribe
I wanna start writing like I used to, idea after idea of amazing fictional work of a dream world I could only wish I was in. I wish i didnt lack the inspiration.

Where is my happiness. I think I'm happier alone even if I'm more lonely. F*k relationships and commitment, I live for me.
1 Comments
Mood: queasy
: Belle and Sebastian - A Summer Wasting

marlene i might drift forever more Mar 16th, 2008 5:02:33 pm - Subscribe
i'd sure like to come asore sometime.

Got an email from my mom. Brother OD'd again. Looks like the fool isn't gonna make a comeback this time. I wish this wasn't so fucked. She said she wanted me home and shes in the darkest part of her life ever. Why am I such an asshole for staying here? Why can't I leave my "perfect" happy life here to go stay with my famiy.
I guess I'm scared.
I'll be going for the funeral.

What a day to get called in to work. Why couldn't I read this email first before I made the call.
0 Comments
Mood: undescribable
: Grandaddy - Guide Down Tonight

marlene lately, you're all i need Mar 16th, 2008 9:15:35 am - Subscribe
things have been strange. theres this girl im really interested in but im too stupid or insecure or something to go after it with as much enthusiasm as i know i have buried somewhere deep inside. shes great.
shes also got me addicted to this show. The L Word.
its further convinced me how big a lesbian i am and have been for longer than i should admit.

my roommate has been trying to get me to go back to being 'straight' for him but i cant keep lying to myself. i hate hurting him every time he asks me, but ever since ive come out to him things have been so awkward.

so aside from the l word and working, ive been entertaining myself with many episodes of daria, family guy and robot chicken. Of course much devil may cry 4 and halo 3 on the side.
i just bough The Darkness on ps3 and im quite excited to play it.

thus concludes another boring entry to my more than bland blog. but this is for me so ill do what i want =) i have more l word to be watched.

much love whoever made it this far, you're amazing~
0 Comments
Mood: spastic

marlene it's looking even better over your cold shoulder. Mar 5th, 2008 6:06:32 pm - Subscribe
I really don't want to work today.
Just wanna stay home, play videogames, chill on the computer.

Don't you hate wasting money and getting ripped off? Its such a piss off.

My new laptop is awesome, despite a few vista flaws, Ive figured most of it out. I got the last one in the store so unfortunately it was the one they kept in the display and everythings named STORE and shit.
I'm kinda annoyed, it said at the store and on the pc "250GB" it has two harddrives that add up to 222GB and like ...20 GBs are takin up by vista saving things i can't delete without permission.
I dunno, its weird.

Sorry I'm so boring today. Lemme think of something a little more interesting.

My work fired someone off the midnight shifts and they asked me to take over them 11-7this week. I only agreed to 1 for thursday and friday, so hopefully it wont be too horrible. Im just worried theyll ask me to keep doing it next week, then the week after. I think I made it clear only this week though. I hated midnights, I don't even get paid extra by the hour like I should.

That girl I liked, I don't know whats up with her, we stopped talking and aren't hanging out. It was unfortunate, I liked her. =(
0 Comments
Mood: loving
: The Dresden Dolls - Good Day

marlene new laptop Mar 3rd, 2008 9:48:42 pm - Subscribe
new computer, im so happy =D
1 Comments
Mood: happy

marlene Somewhere over the rainbow Feb 26th, 2008 7:26:12 pm - Subscribe
The girl who played dorothy was addicted to heroin i think.
Or some drug.


Sometimes I wish I understood myself better.
0 Comments
Mood: zesty