|
|
|
Went swimming at the lake yesterday with my fiancée, some friends, and there kids. It was a lot of fun actually! They have a 1 1/2 yr old and it was his first time in anything bigger than a kiddie pool. He had a floaty but his face was still great to see. Big old smile and an evil giggle here and there. Amazing how a kid can make your day better. Was way grumpy after a while yesterday when I was getting tired. Also we ran into one of dads "friends". I should totally be used to it by now but some things just still get to me and some "surprises" just take a while to shake off. Oh, well whats done is done, and stuff is just stuff. In the long run they say its the thought that counts and as long as you still have these people in your heart they'll always be with you. Man, I hope that's true. Hoping to bug my Tab to go with me and Grams dress shopping soon.... I'm getting EXCITED!!! Just gotta not let myself stress the small stuff. The important detail is I love the big head, he makes me smile, and he tries. With that, eventually we can fix the rest. Well I believe this is one of my longer rambling posts and so far not to grumpy sounding...good sign?.... maybe?....well shit either way I'll take it!
|
|
|
| I don't really feel like writing at this moment I really feel like ranting to the heavens, to the neighbors, to anyone and everyone who will listen. I wanna just tear out my hair and scream and be a crazy person. I mean really!!! I have no internet yet I try to get on as often as I can. Writing soothes and calms me, it helps me keep my head on straight which is great with the everything else that's going on. However I can't even do that. I have... I mean had... a journal at my house to write in and after the 4th person to pretty much destroy/read it I quit! Fuck it i'll write in it when I can and damn any poor souls who are around between now and then. Should I put a dead bolt on my bedroom door in my own house just so I can keep something...anything...private. Ridiculous. Should I just start tryin to be a raging psycho so maybe there scared of me and leave my shit alone? I am supposed to get marries in a year and I'm not sure if i even want to. Who wants one or all 3 of there brother -in-laws living on there couch sucking them dry like a leech. I love Kenny truly with all my heart but it has been almost 5 years now and nothing has changed in that department we just keep trading them out. I am so almost over this. Yes I know I seem to always be bitching on here but I have no one to talk to and obviously no journal left so FFUCK IT!!! Worl be prepared. Hopefully next time I get on I can write and entry full of sunshine and light but realistically.... probably not. |
|
deathcab4u
must write Apr 2nd, 2011 4:15:43 pm - Subscribe
|
|
in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity. the sparse manic entries that i scribble i miss writing, i want to write must write I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment. "Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb. Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery. Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion. I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated. Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety. Fortunately, though, fear is hollow. Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity. Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either. |
|
|
|
I don't get to get on much anymore. Seems crazy because i used to get one all the time. But now i'm always working or watching kids, plus I don't have my own net connection anymore. I have a journal at home on paper. It's just not the same. It's totally getting to the point were I don't wanna answer my phone anymore. Every time I do it's someone telling me bad news or wanting something. I hate to break it to people but I have way too much shit to do already to add holding there hand to that list. The people who need the help the most don't want it and everyone else is so used to someone cleaning up there messes for them that they keep askin for help they don't really need. I'm just gonna do what I can for who I can and say screw the rest. You can't pick your own kids up from school. I don't care. You can't pay your bills because you spent all of your money on stupid crap. I don't care. You are gonna have to work late because I requested the day off...for once..... I don't care. I am broke, lonely and sad too you see me tryin to get anyone else to make it better...no... cuz I did it to myself just stop bitchin and fix it if you want it to get better. No one says your step dad is dying of cancer here's some free money so you can go up and see him. No one says your mom needs help...here's a work vacation so you can go help her take care of him. No one says your are going to be very close if not late on rent this month... dont worry bout it live here for free. No one says you need phone minutes to keep up with the tests results phone messages... here's a free phone card. No... no ones wiping my ass or making my life easier why should I try so damn hard to help with there's especially when it keeps getting me screwed over. Oh, well there's my bitchy hormonal "grown adults should take care of themselves or have no legal rights rant." Think of me what you will cuz guess what... I DON'T CARE lol
|
|
|
| Everything has been crazy lately. It seems almost impossible that its been a year since my dad passed. Some days are normal and some days it seems like my brain will explode! I am so emotional lately I start crying over little things. I get irritated over nothing, and not sleeping well. Anyway long story short I decides that it was stuff I could no longer deal with myself and went to the local Lutheran which offers free counciling and talked to lady. I am on a waiting list and have to wait for another appointment I am super nervous and yet mildly excited at the same time. It's hard. I hate asking people for help and I don't like talking to strangers. But its been a long time since I've had someone to talk to that was not judging me based on what they wanted for.me. God I hope they get space soon. I completely understand that there are people out there that need help sooner than me I am just nervous and impatient. I worry about everything too much... including worrying too much. Oh well I'll survive. Hopefully. Just kidding. Well time to try and sleep now that I've mildly calmed the tornado of my mind. B-dee, b-dee, b-dee that's all folks! |
|
deathcab4u
Low Energy Jan 11th, 2010 1:58:42 pm - Subscribe
|
|
Been up late for too many nights in a row and I feel pretty damn tired finally. I hate when things catch up to me. I run run run, push push push, try to get away with as much as I can. Pushing limits of my sanity, society and political correctness on a daily basis. It isn't that I am extremely active and busy, I just cannot get the rest I require even for my lazy lifestyle. Anyways, although much of my current physical status is due to lack of sleep I am also guilty of a few things I want to change. I need to eat healthier, stop smoking and exercise. Typical things most people want to do, things that I need to do. My body has changed in the last 2 years and it bothers me more than I let myself think. Step 1: Get proper rest. If I could get my sleep schedule straight I would actually have time for eating better and exercising. Those three things would help my life so much, physically and mentally. It would make the bi-polar more friendly too. |
|
deathcab4u
while you sleep Jan 3rd, 2010 4:54:59 pm - Subscribe
|
|
I have had a nauseating vortex of thoughts lately. I cant focus but I ponder over fleeting ideas for a few moments before the next idea or distraction. I guess I am coming to accept that bipolar is real. I am doing pretty great the last few months though. I have learned how to do this without medication pretty well. I decided that it is part of who I am and I don't want to take pills to change that. Writing my thoughts seems to be an effective way for me to cope. The things I wouldn't burden a friend with or don't care to discuss with people I know can be thrown off into the void of the netz. Sure some people I know might read it but it's on their own time and effort. I can be sure I am not being a downer to them. As soon as I can concentrate again I want to plan a day to take photographs somewhere. Not sure where yet but I need to take more pictures. I will be 23 years old in a month and a half. A sense of urgency to take more steps towards my goals is grabbing hold. |
|
deathcab4u
Motivation Dec 28th, 2009 8:19:26 pm - Subscribe
|
|
I feel motivated to pursue my goals now that I am less upset over the premature ending of what I thought was a nice relationship. I was her first boyfriend so I was silly to think we would make any real connection after all I've been through. But that motivation thing. I am having non stop day dreams about photography, my media company I am working on and it excites me. I need to go go go and realize some of these dreams once all the holiday madness dissipates. Normally I am not hostage to the festivities but my life has become so social as of late that I am low on energy and time for myself. Time to regroup and re-focus on what I love. |
|
deathcab4u
Don't Sleep Dec 23rd, 2009 6:36:26 am - Subscribe
|
|
..and everything felt good until I fell asleep. There in my dreams I was vulnerable and haunted by the painful memories of bad things that never happened.. ...another piece of my heart handed away. The hole left behind to be filled by her love. Instead darkness sinks in, cold tendrils of despair tighten. For it isn't her that the boy desires now...it is a longing to love and to be loved... |
|
deathcab4u
fail... Dec 21st, 2009 8:33:09 pm - Subscribe
|
|
Fooled again. Never been led on this bad. I knew better but I fell for her anyways. The saddest part? I will let it happen again and again and again with each girl I fall for. Where are the girls that are meant for guys like me? ...or is that just a dream I will chase to my grave... |
|
deathcab4u
Merry X-Mas Dec 18th, 2009 4:02:49 pm - Subscribe
|
|
Well it's that time of year again. Friday nights are pretty low key around the apartment. For me it's the end of a long 6 day work week. I would say I look forward to enjoying my day off (saturdays) but it's always the busiest day of the week. Getting a new bed delivered, need to do some shopping to support the economy, er...christmas. OH....and I am going to meet my girlfriends parents. This has never phased me in all my life....until now. Usually I get away with meeting a girls parents the first few times in passing...a few brief chats when i pick a girl up for a date. This event is some sort of making cookies and hanging out for the day shit and its a bit of a thing because her sister is in town for the holiday. WHO WILL BE MY GET AWAY DRIVER?! No good excuses lined up for leaving if I get awkward. I guess it's because i have been feeling pretty 'emo' the past few days and not interested in chatting up parents. WISH ME LUCK. I'm sure my charm will kick in. It always does. |
|
deathcab4u
Hello, Link on my Favorites Bar Nov 9th, 2009 2:46:32 pm - Subscribe
|
|
For sake of simplicity I use Safari. It has a nice little favorites bar. This Blog is on that bar. It's crazy how I can see something everyday and not really notice it or give real thought to it. Today was weird for me. I convinced myself of something silly. But I held to my decision about silly thoughts like that, which is not to get carried away by them. Go figure that I was right and that i was thinkin crazy thoughts. Closer and closer to handling my feelings I am. Soon my roommate will be home. Hello Duvel Golden Ale and dicking around on my iPhone. Well, Open Office should be downloaded by now (Was super slow to getting it on this comp). Going to update the good ol resume and get busy. Money is the only thing I like more than women or myself...and the best thing in the world is all of those things together at the same time! |
|
|
|
I heard this song and I didn't know why I lvoed it so much at first. Then I looked up the lyrics and realized I probably couldnt have writted the feelngs any better myself. But it's how I feel most days... "I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest Or the girl who never wants to be alone I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin' 'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home Ah, the sun is blindin' I stayed up again Oh, I am findin' That's not the way I want my story to end I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're my protection But how do I feel this good sober? I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth Please don't tell me that we had that conversation 'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'Cause what's the use? Ah, the night is callin' And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play" But I, I am fallin' And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round I'm lookin' for myself, sober Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round Lookin' for myself, sober When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad 'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had I have heard myself cry 'never again' Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober?" |
|
|
| My father passed away like...3... days ago... wow only three I can't believe it, it feels infinitely longer and at the same time shorter than that. I have only broke down once so far, thank god, but I just know it's coming. I am numb right now I am sure this entry will come off very blah for such a horrible event but I just can't seem to let myself feel much because as soon as I do I will loose it. I can't afford to lose it right now because we have to do the funeral and the caskets and all of that still. I am not the oldest it is not technically my job to do those things but I can't leave my sister to do it all her self, she needs help and she needs someone to be there for her as much if not, honestly, more than we do. There is a lot on her shoulders right now and I hope I have helped relieve that in some small way. My younger brother scares me we almost lost him last year, and he's on meds for depression and he hasn't cried or really got upset at all. I am hoping he is just sticking it out and trying to stay strong like the rest of us but eventually I know he has to let it out. I don't know why I am telling you guys all of this I believe it's because I have been camping at my sisters for a few days so I have none of my writing stuff and I need a release. When there is too much on my mind I can't sleep and I would really like to so sometimes if I write it helps relieve that. I am rambling I know but I know that once I lay down to sleep I will start thinking again. During the day we have lots to do so i can kind of just sit back and auto pilot myself but at night there are no distractions from my thoughts and usually they crush me the most. I was supposed to be on the way to my friends wedding when I found out I was the maid of honor.... I feel bad because I had to leave, I had to be here and she says she understands.... I really think and hope so... I owe her SO SO much. I finally got to see my brother Johnny again it has been years that was also great and I made sure to get solid contact info this time because I don't want to lose him again and when he wants to be lost he's pretty slippery. Well I guess that's it my eye lids feel like there covered in cement... lets hope this sleep thing works huh... ok well bye! |
|
|
Can you shut your mouth and listen when I tell you about my day? Can you stop and wait for me to catch up instead of just slowing down? Can you just let me take a nap on the sofa when I get home from school? Can you remember to fill out my school forms before they are due? Can you let me organize my room the way I want? Can you buy American cheese, not Swiss, because I'm the one who eats it, not you. Can you not argue with dad in front of me? Can you not pick on all my insecurities? Can you wake up on time so we're not late? Can you be supportive for once? Can you show me that you're proud of the little things I do? Can you not talk about your "audlt problems" and how "hard" your life is? Can you control yourself when we go out? Can you trust that I'll call if I need you? Can you not blame me for everything going wrong in your life? Can you not say "he is a fucking asshole"? Can you respond when I ask you a simple question? Can you make it so I don't cry when you're gone? |
|
deathcab4u
Goals Sep 16th, 2008 11:29:01 pm - Subscribe
|
|
Currently: Quitting Jimmy Johns and beginning at Dominos starting monday. Offer to be assistant manager at Halloween Express with Lauren. As far as money goes making more would be nice but in the long run I think time to devote to personal development, school and volunteering will be more important than paying off all my bills a little faster. Plan A: Within a week of today have requested professional letters of recommendation from 5 people and ask that they have them to me within 2 weeks of request. Within 1 week of receiving the letters have applied to three Wilderness Therapy Schools on the list provided by a friend. Also contact family in Oregon and Utah to explain plans and request hospitality if I am selected and accept a job offer. Also, within a week find information for CPR and First Aid Certifications and get that done within 3 weeks if possible. If invited to go to a training session and hired I will move be moving out of state and must complete obvious preparations for making such a move. Plan B: If not selected for a field instructor position at this time request feedback about what to do to to be hirable for that type of work. Take Action on feedback. In addition volunteer with High School Youth Group and/or Boy Scouts. In January Take EMT courses. In the summer work at a youth summer camp to gain more experience in that area. Re-apply to Wilderness Therapy Schools in the end of the summer. Also currently I must talk to my father about money for current tuition and maybe some money to help with my vehicle registration. Must also cut back discretionary spending. |
|
|
|
How can I still love something that has broken my heart so thouroghly How come I am never enough Why aren't my blood, sweat, time, tears, smiles, laughs, hopes and fears not enough for anyone I gave up my heart My passion My personality My peace My family My friends My safety My security and my home and jumped out on a tiny limb praying you could catch me if I fell your arms are strong enough your shoulders broad enough your heart big enough your mind clear enough and yet you dropped me again how can I love you if I cannot trust you how can you hear anyone talk when your screaming so loud will I ever be strong enough to keep you from bringing me down I should have listened to my heart I new you were all the same I new you would be just like him but am I all to blame for I may be the fool who fell for your lies but in the end your going to lose your own game |
|
deathcab4u
Rainy Day Sep 4th, 2008 1:46:29 am - Subscribe
|
|
Sometimes I feel like I am a character in a movie. Except... In movies even the guy I play ends up with some sort of resolution. I don't want to be at the end of my story in any sense, but it sure feels like I experience a lot of conflict for so little reward or consolation. On the bright side, Poison Oak Media is kicking off. An idea I had a year ago is finally coming to realization with the help of my best friend. Our combined skills is what the company needed to become something real. I am really excited and am planning on putting a lot of effort into this renewed initiative. I had to call in sick due to anxiety attack again so I figured I'd make good use of my day. I feel like we did well, I got a lot done and am a step closer to doing something I love to survive. |
|
deathcab4u
Boop Beep Boop Sep 2nd, 2008 11:18:57 pm - Subscribe
|
|
Re-activated my emusic account and got 75 free downloads. I got to pick up some music ive wanted to for awhile now and some new stuff too. I doownloaded music from: Vampire Weekend The Gaslight Anthem Damien Jurado Dr Manhattan Blue Mountain Frightened Rabbit I am a really big fan of Alt Country, stuff like Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Son Volt, Wilco and stuff that has a little twang ya know what I mean? I really enjoy that bluegrassy touch to country. |
|
deathcab4u
FAT TIRE Sep 1st, 2008 12:56:54 am - Subscribe
|
|
Another lovely Sunday. I have one day off from work each week and I try to make it the BEST day of the week. Today I went to church and then met with my bro's for bible study. Then we went to the Guitar Center and one of my friends bought a Synth for their band. After that 3 of us went to a little pub in town and had a pint of Fat Tire and some sandwiches, it was fantastic! Always good to have a pint before 20s group bible study. And then another one after bible study? Yes please! SO yeah, after 20s group 8 of us went to a different bar for a pint f Hacker Pshorr and it was a great time. MORAL of the STORY: 2 Pints of Beer, 2 Bible Studies, Church and the best friends you could ask for make up an amazing sunday. I recommend it to anyone who loves the lord and cold beer as much as me! K, well I think I work tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep and pray to god that I do his will and work wherever he places me. And I might plead like a child for it to be somewhere else sooon lulz. I know that His work needs to be done everywhere in the world, and that this might even be the place I make the connection to my next step of life, that or its just building characer /sigh. |