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deathcab4u HOLY SMOKES - Subscribe
WOW

WOW

WOW

I remembered this blog today and GO FIGURE, it still exists. My GUTS SPLATTERED all over a page on the internet!

Well I'll be damned, I can't resist the urge to post and to read about myself because i don't know who I am anymore =*(

Funny the things we do when we are stressed and tired. Lost and confused. I'd write in a journal but its in the car and I def prefer typing. Also, the feeling that this may be read is comforting in a weird way. YEAH OK.

Anyways, 2am and I am guess I should hit the sack and try to keep my cool. ALL I WANT TO DO IS LET OUT A LITTLE STEAM AND RELEASE SOME TENSION!

k thx ttyl

EDIT: Ok I read some entries from when I was with B. If I learned anything its that spending so much time with a person and obsessing over them is recipe for disaster. YIKES. lol. I will not let that happen again. Personal time > Needy Relationships.
2 Comments
Mood: emotional
I hear: Against Me - Impact

long_gone Spiraling down Aug 14th, 2008 3:46:13 am - Subscribe
"...learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void."

I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life not even a week ago. I am still scared everyday that I still could. It wasn't an accident it was a choice and one that could easily be made again that's what scares me so damn much! I found this quote a few days after the incident and I have to say that I agree. I couldn't just sit and bawl and worry I worked and cleaned and did everything I could to fill my head with the stupid comings and goings of my day to day life. The people in my life were great they did everything they could to help me and so much more. I will never forget them as long as I live. I will never forget how they were there for me. I love them all so much and I don't ever know how I could repay them.
0 Comments
Mood: terrified

long_gone Stranger things Jul 2nd, 2008 12:50:17 am - Subscribe
I have had an interesting day running into an old friend who I am now chatting with. I didn't realize I missed this friend so much, or rather the side of myself that person brings out in me. I really enjoy our conversations, though they tend to float a lot between several topics. It amuses me. I couldn't wait to get online and see if my friend was there. I think that is part of the reason I miss certain people so much and avoid others even more because they each bring out a different part of me and some of them I enjoy more than others. Some I have to play or change to make fit there standards and that really grates on my nervous system after a time. I feel as if I can kind of, let a certain, often smothered part of me breathe around this person and it feels good to stretch my lungs. Well that is all I will ramble for the moment. Until later. Bye
0 Comments
Mood: comfortable

long_gone Your so gay... and you don't even like boys!!! Jun 14th, 2008 12:18:43 pm - Subscribe
So what's new you ask... life! I have a job at Subway, yes I am a slave of the corporate machine. Oh well, it pays the bills and I love my boss. Boss = my friend Rachel who is hands down the coolest boss ever. I work random hours though usually I close, and I get to eat Subway which as far as fast food goes, doesn't suck to heinously. Tomorrow is my birthday, WOOT! I guess. I don't know if I'm half as excited as everyone else seems to be but it does make me feel loved that they care so much. Presently tally at the moment...one... one totally awesome one! I got a book from my friend/ neighbors boyfriend Joe. Ok, so those of you who don't get why that's awesome... firstly I love books... secondly I don't have to by it now... thirdly it's the fourth book to a series I have read the rest of by one of my favorite authors... and fourth...ly?... I TOTALLY WANTED IT BAD!!! I squealed like a girl when I saw it. Later today I am supposed to go see my family for birthday celebrations, which is sweet because I get to see my mom and my brother who I miss more than any... anywhere. And I also hope to get more nifty presents and get to do some fun stuff with my family. I hope... they have a tendency to be... hypocritical and judgmental... but when they get that way I hide in my little circle with my mom and bro and step dad and take solace in the fact that there are still open minded people out there somewhere. Well, I think this is already longer than I intended so I will stop rambling... oh, wait... here is a pic of my new tattoo right after it was finished... I love it!!!!
Photobucket

And here is a video for the song this entries named after... you should watch it, it's funny as hell!



Lol, love you guys!!! Bye!
17 Comments
Mood: Excited/Nervous

marlene Send me right back from where i came Apr 12th, 2008 6:32:40 am - Subscribe
So I've moved in with a friend from work, its going quite well. She keeps trying to set me up with men though, which is kinda weird.

Got my own xbox finally, some sweet games on it. I'm an addict of GH3 ...
My GT is Sensarity if anyone else is an xbox nerd like me, add it.

anyway, I cant sleep, been too busy rearranging my room, got it done for the most part, having trouble finding a good tv to invest in. Bought one second hand, but found out you cant get to the input without a remote (which it didnt come with) so I can't even use it for gaming.
Oh Well.

Lifes good none the less, I think
2 Comments
Mood: ...
I hear: Spoon

marlene tenderly kissed Mar 29th, 2008 1:57:07 am - Subscribe
Ever have those days you feel so undesirable and uninteresting and have convinced yourself you are the most boring person on earth? Welcome to my every day life.

I think lately I've done well at convincing myself otherwise though. I have a girl thats interested in me, unfortunately we both suck at organizing schedules and being the man. My roommate said I was the coolest girl he has ever met with the best sense of humor (blush) and I got a review at work worthy of a twenty cent raise and praise from the boss. Life was going great, till my roommates started asking stuff from me I don't know I can give.

I need to talk to my mom.

The best part of my day though was this;



I thought it only appropriate to have a travel mug that best describes me in some way, since I work at a coffee shop.
I'm way too excited about it.
Kinda pathetic? Maybe not ...atleast before I took a picture of it ...and posted it ...

-marlene
1 Comments
Mood: meh
I hear: grandaddy - miner at the dial-a-view

marlene its easy Mar 28th, 2008 2:06:00 am - Subscribe
i'm so tired of myself, my sad, over emotional emo self. i hate being mad at someone, so furious about something so ridiculous, yet they don't see the problem, then when youre finally able to say how fucking pissed you are, you act like a bimbo just to keep the peace as if everything is ok.

well everything isn't ok

and i need to run away, run back home. i dont know if i want pity, or if i want to leave just so a year or two down the line, theyll have regrets. i dont even know if he'd miss me if i was gone. maybe thats what i want to find out.

dont even listen to me, i just want to whine to someone who isnt myself for a change.
1 Comments
Mood: irked
I hear: grandaddy - revolution cover

marlene Paranoid Android Mar 20th, 2008 2:39:39 am - Subscribe
Lifes been pretty great, met up with my lady friend and we watched some tv together. She asked to take me out to dinner sometime so as much as I hate to admit it, it might be my first actual date.
Hopefully it goes well.

I'm so addicted to Daria.

Lifes been boring, no work tomorrow, don't know what I'll do, but it should hopefully be fun.
0 Comments
Mood: super
I hear: Radiohead

marlene I spent the summer wasting Mar 17th, 2008 3:20:02 am - Subscribe
I wanna start writing like I used to, idea after idea of amazing fictional work of a dream world I could only wish I was in. I wish i didnt lack the inspiration.

Where is my happiness. I think I'm happier alone even if I'm more lonely. F*k relationships and commitment, I live for me.
1 Comments
Mood: queasy
I hear: Belle and Sebastian - A Summer Wasting

marlene i might drift forever more Mar 16th, 2008 1:02:33 pm - Subscribe
i'd sure like to come asore sometime.

Got an email from my mom. Brother OD'd again. Looks like the fool isn't gonna make a comeback this time. I wish this wasn't so fucked. She said she wanted me home and shes in the darkest part of her life ever. Why am I such an asshole for staying here? Why can't I leave my "perfect" happy life here to go stay with my famiy.
I guess I'm scared.
I'll be going for the funeral.

What a day to get called in to work. Why couldn't I read this email first before I made the call.
0 Comments
Mood: undescribable
I hear: Grandaddy - Guide Down Tonight

marlene lately, you're all i need Mar 16th, 2008 5:15:35 am - Subscribe
things have been strange. theres this girl im really interested in but im too stupid or insecure or something to go after it with as much enthusiasm as i know i have buried somewhere deep inside. shes great.
shes also got me addicted to this show. The L Word.
its further convinced me how big a lesbian i am and have been for longer than i should admit.

my roommate has been trying to get me to go back to being 'straight' for him but i cant keep lying to myself. i hate hurting him every time he asks me, but ever since ive come out to him things have been so awkward.

so aside from the l word and working, ive been entertaining myself with many episodes of daria, family guy and robot chicken. Of course much devil may cry 4 and halo 3 on the side.
i just bough The Darkness on ps3 and im quite excited to play it.

thus concludes another boring entry to my more than bland blog. but this is for me so ill do what i want =) i have more l word to be watched.

much love whoever made it this far, you're amazing~
0 Comments
Mood: spastic

marlene it's looking even better over your cold shoulder. Mar 5th, 2008 1:06:32 pm - Subscribe
I really don't want to work today.
Just wanna stay home, play videogames, chill on the computer.

Don't you hate wasting money and getting ripped off? Its such a piss off.

My new laptop is awesome, despite a few vista flaws, Ive figured most of it out. I got the last one in the store so unfortunately it was the one they kept in the display and everythings named STORE and shit.
I'm kinda annoyed, it said at the store and on the pc "250GB" it has two harddrives that add up to 222GB and like ...20 GBs are takin up by vista saving things i can't delete without permission.
I dunno, its weird.

Sorry I'm so boring today. Lemme think of something a little more interesting.

My work fired someone off the midnight shifts and they asked me to take over them 11-7this week. I only agreed to 1 for thursday and friday, so hopefully it wont be too horrible. Im just worried theyll ask me to keep doing it next week, then the week after. I think I made it clear only this week though. I hated midnights, I don't even get paid extra by the hour like I should.

That girl I liked, I don't know whats up with her, we stopped talking and aren't hanging out. It was unfortunate, I liked her. =(
0 Comments
Mood: loving
I hear: The Dresden Dolls - Good Day

marlene new laptop Mar 3rd, 2008 4:48:42 pm - Subscribe
new computer, im so happy =D
1 Comments
Mood: happy

marlene Somewhere over the rainbow Feb 26th, 2008 2:26:12 pm - Subscribe
The girl who played dorothy was addicted to heroin i think.
Or some drug.


Sometimes I wish I understood myself better.
0 Comments
Mood: zesty

marlene Lost Sleep to Solitaire. Feb 26th, 2008 1:18:16 am - Subscribe
Should I feel pathetic for spending a good hour or two I was tired and wanting to sleep playing solitaire and only winning about 2 hands?
Either way, sleep doesn't mean shit.

Theres this girl I've met, she's wonderful. I wont name names and it is probably too early to tell anything anyway. Who knows, maybe she'll read my blog some day and this'll freak her out and she'll run. Anxiety makes me anxious.
Anyway, I'm getting to know her well and things are going great.

Work sucks. We had this "Always Fresh" check which each shift gets and it determines whether people who've worked there 3 months+ get a nice little extra chunk of cash on their next paycheck. As it turns out, my shift is the reason they failed it. Not that I care, I haven't worked there long enough to see any decent money. But I'm sure, with how dramatic my store is, there will be a lot of hate towards my "afternoon team" I dunno, work sucks and I'm glad I'm not in any way attached to it.
I just love money.

Theres this beautiful cat I want to adopt. He's white and deaf. I fell in love with the little guy and he doesn't have a home =( my roommate says he doesn't want another cat in the apartment because there isn't space. As well, my current bundle of love, Spectre, is too much of a handful for him.
For those who don't know.
I feed her.
I clean her litter.
I entertain her.
I pay her vet bills when necessary.
She doesn't even enter his room.
Apparently she gets in the way though, totally invades his life. Whatever to be honest. Meh I'm getting an email from the owner sometime tomorrow saying whether or not he's still in need of a home. Might take him anyway ...
Since when do cats take up space? ..
1 Comments
Mood: glowing ...
I hear: The Beatles - Helter Skelter

marlene I'm ok cause you're with me, 37D Feb 23rd, 2008 11:35:26 am - Subscribe
Its been a while. I got a new phone. Its got a camera and everything. And an 8GB iPod nano, which I'm more than thrilled about. Had it for a while, but got it after I last posted.
Sorry for my neglect. Work has been taking me over lately.
DMC4 is great by the way.

.<3.

.<3.

.<3.



.<3.

I'll try and be more consistant.
I might get a puppy
2 Comments
Mood: aloof
I hear: Blue October - Hate Me

marlene Things are going pretty well. Feb 4th, 2008 12:16:59 pm - Subscribe
I finally got a new cellphone with a real plan. Though I have a three year contract, contracts always make me nervous but I'm sure it'll be cool.

Got a new iPod. 8 GBs, I love it.
If you can't tell, I had an excellent day out shopping on Friday. Got my phone, ipod and 3 awesome DVDs. Se7en, Pulp Fiction and A Clockwork Orange. Been waiting for a chance me and my two roommates are all off work, thats rare. But I wanna watch them with ..them~

Nothing much else to say. Works been crappy, and I've been going way too much. Today though, I do get to start my work week with the new girl and I like her a lot. She drives me to and from work which is nice, she lives like two feet down the street.

Been playing a lot of FF12 with my time off. Its such a crappy game but i wanna beat it before FF13 comes out in, I think March.
and
Devil May Cry 4 ...is going to be comparable with sex I think. But ...I'm a dork.

Anywho, gotta get ready for work.
4 Comments
Mood: awesome
I hear: The Good Life - Twenty Two

emokid back yet again Feb 3rd, 2008 8:26:23 pm - Subscribe
its been a long time,
my life had gotten better
but thats not why im here.
my life has gotten more stressful than ever.

i was blocking out the pain
pretending like i had changed
breathing through it all
but thats only made me more deranged

my best friend forgot me
my parents put me down all the time
im on the edge flirting with danger
all thats left is only in my mind
0 Comments
Mood: deflated

marlene Keep your loved ones in the spotlight Jan 31st, 2008 8:12:50 am - Subscribe
Is it just me, or did January not even exist? I can't believe how fast this month went for me. Was probably because I never got much accomplished.

I had so much trouble sleeping last night. I'm going on 4 hours at the moment and I have work tonight. My roommate left for work an hour ago and I love his bed, I'll probably try to nap in that after this entry.

They hired someone new at my work for afternoons. I'm very glad she's going to be working with me. I need more people around me who have a sense of humor, patience, and respect. For some reason, I don't see that much at my work. My roommates also considering switching to my shift, which would be awesome.

I wanna write a lot this entry, but I really don't have much to say. I hate being on the computer lately, I've been way depressed and unmotivated to get out and do anything. I've finally got plans to go somewhere tomorrow, since I have the same day off as my best friend, for once. Maybe I'll have something interesting to write then.

Goodnight Aoenity.
1 Comments
Mood: lousy
I hear: The Beatles - Helter Skelter

marlene Don't stop me now Jan 24th, 2008 9:50:51 am - Subscribe
I don't wanna work tonight either. Goin on 6 days straight. I feel bad, my roommates scheduled for 9 days straight, though he'll probably get out of it.

Not much going on with me lately. Been playing a lot of Halo 3. I'm such an exciting person, no? eh when you only have mornings to enjoy yourself, you don't have a lot of time to be creative.
2 Comments
Mood: superior
I hear: Queen - Don't Stop Me Now