Here we go again...
Date: Nov 8th, 2007 12:32:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: congested

Here I am, a year since I last wrote in this. Why I had the thought to come back, I'm not sure. But I think I need this, so here goes the first of what I hope to be much more frequent posts.

I don't think there's any reason to update what my life has been since I last posted. Hell, I don't even remember what was going on the last time I wrote anything. So I'll just say this about sophomore year: I moved into my very first ever apartment which was very exciting, but caused a lot of extra work and stress. My roommate and I got extremely sick for a good portion of the winter. I got excepted in the Journalism school, and can't wait to see where it takes me.

This past summer was interesting to say the very least. I went back to work for the second summer at a radio station, which up until now has been the best real-life experience of my life. I learned so much about my potential career field, but more so, it sounds cliche, I truly learned a ton about life. And made some INCREDIBLE life long friends. I also worked for a search marketing firm, which was very interesting, and I learned a ton, but unfortunately ended on an extremely bad note.

And with that, we're up to today basically. It's too late to get into my life now, it's far too late, and it would take me all night. Good night to all, and hopefully I'll be back here again soon.
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why can't I be me?
Date: May 25th, 2006 2:22:18 am - Subscribe
Mood: pain

So...being back home is just not a good thing, period.

I've been home for less then 2 weeks, and have officially had a huge fall-out with both my mother and father.

My mother was over scholarships. I'm SOOO damn sick of applying for scholarships I know I won't get. I know loans are a sucky horrible thing, but part of my wishes that I could take a few so that I wouldn't have to work my ass off so damn hard, and maybe even have a little spending money instead of it all going straight into my school work.

My dad was huge though. It happened over nothing, and he asked me a question and I replied angry. So he flipped out on me. When he flips out I get so angry that I yell back. He gets physically violent when I get verbally violent. He shoved me SO hard in the neck and shoulder, it's killing me. Him putting his hands on me again just brought back so many old and horrible thoughts. My father has done this to me before, where he gets so angry, he won't even try to have a rational discussion, he just physically attacks me. It's not often, but he's definitely done it.

And that made me realize something tonight. All my life, my brother has been extremely physically abusive to me. EXTREMELY. I've had to go to school with bruises on my arms and try to explain to people what happened. I've purposely worn pants and long sleeves to cover them up. But WHY? WHY did I cover it up? Why didn't I tell the truth to SOMEONE, and get myself taken away from him, or him taken away from me. It could have been SO SO easy. ...because I care about people too much. I always did. I didn't learn to care about myself first until I went away to college and lived on my own for 9 months. Now that I'm's like I'm back in a rut where I was a year or so ago.

The dad/brother thing made me realize something else...I think I'm afraid of men. I'm 19 years old, and I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even kissed a boy...unless you count daycare...when I was 5. For as long as I can remember, I've always shyed away from boys. It makes sense that it could be because everytime I see someone raise a fist I flinch and have to close my eyes and turn the other way. I've had boys ask me out and even currently a boy who's been asking a mutual friend to ask me out. But I always say no, and I think it's because I'm afraid of someone who is physically a lot stronger then me.

Which makes me realize a little more about my sorority. My sorority is my safe haven. It's 18+ girls who have my back, and protect me, and are just there to listen with a shoulder to cry on when I need it, vs. making me cry, which my parents do. The sorority is my shelter, and I DO love them, but maybe I DO just need to stray away a little, and takes some risks and take some chances, and see where life takes me...although that may have to be on hold until I get back to school....
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who can say I've been changed for the better?
Date: Apr 29th, 2006 7:08:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ok

I know this boy. I like him SOOOO dang much. But I don't know that he even knows I exist. Well...I shouldn't say that. He does know I exist, but I don't think he has the same feelings as me. In fact, I know he doesn't. But the past couple weeks we've become really good friends. I don't want that to change, because I charish that too much. But I'm soooo head over heals for him, he just makes me melt every time I see him. I went to my sorority formal with him, and he was such a sweetheart to me, he bought me a huge corsage with red roses, that was AMAZING. I've never had a boy buy me flowers period, especially for something that wasn't really that special, it was no where near a prom or anything. Everyone keeps telling me he likes me, but I don't really think he does. But more of me wants to just go for it anyway. We're sooooo much alike it's kinda scary. The only awkward thing is that he dated my brother's current girlfriend, before my brother was with her. Which means, if I was with just makes things a little weird. Man oh man though, I like him SOOO dang much. But I'm only at school for 2 more weeks, and then chances are I won't see him again until September. So in a lot of ways there's no point in trying right now. I can't be here this summer. Which is a whole other story I can't even begin to start now. Man oh man, who would have ever thought I feel such a strong connection to so many people coming to college? I love this place in so many ways. I can't believe there's only 2 weeks left....
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It's a cold harsh world out there...
Date: Feb 28th, 2006 1:27:33 am - Subscribe
Mood: shaken

So I just found out that two of my sorority sisters, one being my big sister, had their apartment broken into. I shouldn't be letting it, but I'm getting insanely upset over it. It's so scary, to think, that because someone probably simply forgot to lock the door once, everythings gone. They literally lost everything. Their wallets with cash, lap top computers, ipods, jewelry, even food from their kitchen. It's just sickening to think something like this would happen. I've heard about all sorts of things like this happening before, but never realized how horrible it can be until it hit so close to home. I think we all take things for granted until we don't have them any more. I really just wish I could do something for them, but I obviously don't have the money to buy two new ipods or whatever. Any other suggestions? They'd be INCREDIBLY appreciated.
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Oh life.
Date: Dec 23rd, 2005 1:37:38 am - Subscribe
Mood: unknown

So it's been a loooong while, eh? Yeah, you betcha, don't chya know. So college has been my life in every way the past 4 months almost, I'm finally home on vacation for a month. I was so nervous when I left for college in September, I was literally sick to my stomach, thinking it was the stupidest decision, and I'd never make it there. I've learned so much though, and grown up in so many ways, I'm so thankful now for the experiences I've been through. They seem rather petty, but for being truly on my own for the first time in my life, I'm so proud of myself. I dropped a class when after attending and realizing it was horrible, then picked up a new one, much more fitting. I learned to do my own laundry, and not shrink or mix colors. I caught my roomate wearing my clothes last week, only to now learn she's been wearing them all semester, and so I have since applied for a room transfer, because I need a place that I can feel safe and trust my roomate. So many things I've done in the past 4 months, that I didn't think I had the strength to do back in September.

I went back to my high school today, and it ended up being really sad and upsetting. I'm still upset about it really. About a month ago someone threatened there was going to be a shooting, so they made kids go through metal detectors. Now they had a bomb threat, so it's even worse. It's the last week before vacation for them, and they have to go through metal detectors everyday. Not only that, but to save time, they're not allowed to bring backpacks to school, so no one wants to do their homework, as it involves carrying their books home. Not only that, but they're not allowed back into the school when they leave for the day. If they forget a book, they're screwed, because there's absolutely no getting back in. I tried to go to the band room to see my old friends after a pep game, and they said no way, not even questionable. It just makes me SOO incredibly sad. Some of my closest, best friends still go to that school, and it's now like an asylum. I just feel so incredibly bad for them, because of all weeks this should be a happy week, and they're all sad and depressed. Their holiday assembly, which is always majorly exciting was even cancelled because of all the threats. I hope they find who's doing this, and give them mad crazy punishments for a very very long time. Meanwhile, I just wish there was SOMETHING I could do for the school, but unfortunately, there's not a lot that little me can do.

I feel like I've lost my best friend from high school. I called her at least once a week at the beginning of the semester, but I'm sure it was more. Things got really intense then for a while, and my calls slowly became less and less. Which I do feel bad about. But she never once called me. Which she entirely could have. She never once IMed me, which I did all the time. Our conversations are now nothing, and everytime I call/IM "Hi" she has somewhere to go or someone else to talk to. She's just so distant and standoffish. I feel like she's mad at me for leaving her here, and going away to a big city, and having fun without her. But there's still things to do here, and I may have left her here, but I didn't go somewhere where I had people waiting for me with open arms. I went somewhere strange and lonely at first, and had to build brand new relationships, and experience horrible roomates. I don't know, I don't get it. I guess college changes people, for me it was amazingly for the better, but sometimes it doesn't go that direction. Life is funny in that way.

Anyway, I'm off to catch a little shut eye before a lovely day of lunch with my daddy, shopping, and hanging out with old youth group friends.

It's good to be home!

Peace and Love,
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all if finally well
Date: Oct 6th, 2005 9:20:02 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pleasant

Well life has just been really good the past week or so. I was a little off there for a few days, but I just feel really good about my life right now.

I had my very first ever college mid-term today! It kinda kicked my bootie...but it's alright, he grades on a really big curve, and we have 3 midterms so that they each one doesn't count for so much.

My roomate and I are getting along better, not great, but better, which at least is something. I think we've both come to realise we just have to get along and be fair in the room, we don't have to be friends outside of our little 10x10 foot closet.

My favorite teacher from high school, as well as my key club advisor called me today, so that made me excited. She was like a mother to me in high school. She was in town, but going to a big dinner here on campus. She's actually only like 2 blocks away from where I live, but I don't want to inturrupt. Kinda bummed, but it was good to at least here her voice.

We just went down to the lounge for "Mocktails and Family Guy" night. We watched the Family Guy episode where he drinks so that he can play the piano. Hmm...we drank mocktails and watched him get drunk, how fun.

The more I've been at college the more I've loved it. I can't see myself ever moving back. For the summers and vacations, but not when I move out and buy my own house or apartment.

My Friday afternoon class was cancelled for tomorrow, I'm SOOOOO excited!!!! My aunt is picking me up at 11, and I'm going to her house for the day/evening. I'm really excited to go off campus and just relax and not thing about things for a day. It's be a nice break from the drunken sex-capades I deal with on a nightly basis in my dorm.

That's about all, overall, life is just plain old good.

Peace and Love,

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\"go where the heart is...\"
Date: Sep 27th, 2005 10:33:34 pm - Subscribe
Mood: disgusted

Well I was in a pretty sour mood last night, but I'm feeling a little better now that I've complained about everything to the entire world. My roomate and I are having some issues, but there's only so much I can do to really fix it all. Yesterday, I told my roomate's friend she could make herself a glass of my kool-aid, and she took my container and said she'd bring it right back. Well today I finally hunted her down in her room and took it back and there was about an eighth of the container left. Enough for me to make one pitcher and that's it. And I had never even opened it before she took it. HOW RUDE is that? She asked for a glass, and must have drank like 17 of them. So no more sharing my food with anyone, that's all I have to say. I called my mom then 'cuz I was sooooo pissed, and she's all "don't worry, it's only 7 more months" but 7 months is a long freaking time. At least it's only 2 more until Thanksgiving, and then 3/4 of a month until I get a month vacation. That vacation will be much needed. I wish I knew what I know now back a good 9 months ago when I was applying for housing. For anyone who reads this out there that's going to college next year, DO NOT sign up for an all freshman dorm. BAD BAD idea. Also, don't eat too much dorm food, it's some nasty stuff. Although we went to late night tonight and it was Taco Tuesday which could have been a lot worse. My roomate doesn't know how to wake up to her alarm clock. It goes off for like 20 minutes before she gets up. She has to get up 4 hours before me somedays, it's like let me sleep!!! Ok, that's enough of my complaining about her and her friends for one day. Really, minus my roomate and this crappy dorm I'm living in, I'm having a fabulous time and I've met some incredible people. I just need to expand my horizons beyond this dorm room!

Peace and Love,

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