oh goddddd.
why can't things get better...
xxx,
bee
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i just want to throw up or die or something. oh goddddd. why can't things get better... xxx, bee |
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tonight i was snubbed by some people i love at an all ages, got 50% off a wicked pita i made, sat in the ship and drew pictures, got water spilled all over me, got asked to curate the eastern edge/rooms monthly film screening, and got a ride home. mostly, a solid day. i will get paid around $600 for this film curating gig. score! michelle is great. i'm getting errand boy to play one song. score! i'm too tired to digest any of this yet. xxx, bee p.s. jody richardson is a BABE p.p.s. tying with geoff younghusband for older man crush. |
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i skipped a few classes today again... uh oh... i am pretty sure that i'm going to fail french, i've prepped my mother for it. i have written down my final exam schedule and have banned myself from bluekaffee so that i am at least a little less distracted. last night my plans didn't really pan out. i did go out for supper with my family at papa's. it was pretty nice. i won a kremlin dance competition with the head of the gsu, he asked me to dance. his name was sebastian. if i ever have a son i think i'll name him sebastian. today i wore the exact same clothes as yesterday because i felt so cute in them.   i don't know how to take a normal picture of myself. i'm wearing my new t-shirt from microcosm. and this button:  i came home to try and do some work but i didn't get anything done, as per usual. i really need to make some sort of a schedule for school work.  time management is important. i got my eyebrows waxed today. it's the only time i ever go to a beauty salon. it's my only real beauty regiment too, i guess. waxing my eyebrows once every few months if my mom will take me.  i have been too busy mailing letters to boyfriends from nova scotia to australia. and listening to records. my play list lately has been: hüsker dü - flip your wig lp hüsker dü - metal circus 10'' black flag - slip it in lp black flag - damaged lp career suicide - anthology vol. 2 cd kanye west - graduation (mp3) infest - slave (mp3) justice - † cd m.i.a. - paper planes and come down feat. timbaland tracks (from kala cd) the go! team - thunder, lightning, strike lp the descendents - milo goes to college lp wolfbrigade - a d-beat odyssey skitsystem - enkel resa till rännstenen nausea - productive not destructive tape manner farm - ideas result from the deeds... lp american graffiti soundtrack (double lp) le tigre - self titled (cd) brutal knights - feast of shame lp so i have been doing that today. i was productive though, i cooked myself a great meal.  green beans, carrots, mushrooms, broccoli, red pepper, onion, garlic, bok choy, peanuts, peanut butter and light tasting olive oil in a stir fry with a curry noodles side. true blue blueberry juice to drink. i gobbled up some easter chocolate for desert. my bean sprouts had gone bad, my heart was broken. also, tim totten isn't on msn. my heart breaks even more. xxx, bee |
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tuesday night after i got off work the bus drove right past me so i had to run so fast. i finally got downtown for the hands of death ???? show. it was going okay. adam and mark dawson came which was sort of nice. things got real dramatic real fast. i ran to a field and found this really pretty looking tree. roxy had stolen my pen so i couldn't write a note. i wrote "now i lay me down to sleep" in the snow. i fell asleep under the tree. i guess i was hoping to die from exposure. i woke up shivering and called jonny. at the exact same time some woman found me. she kept offering me cigarettes and i couldn't handle it. i walked home. more drama. i felt awful. i still feel awful. i wasn't even going to school. i am really glad that i did. hanging out with marie made me feel a lot better. i skipped philosophy and french so that i could go to ryan barbour's music class to watch a documentary on punk and have lunch with marie. so, i pretty much have a punk as fuck existence. steve and i went to stavanger drive and i stole some pens, nibs and a holder from staples and michael's. i am getting bad. first a shirt from old navy, now this. i went to work and it wasn't even really that bad. after my shift on saturday (12-5) i will have made roughly $133. my dad picked me up and it was sort of nice. he talked about a job he had in a furniture store. when i got home my package was here. i'm so stoked to read all of that. my uncle also gave me $5. i am selling two swords shirts to chad feehan tonight too and going dancing at a kremlin show.  i also think that i'm getting prettier again. despite everything, life is picking up? xxx, bee |
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i didn't document my day yesterday. uh oh. hopefully i don't start falling behind. yesterday i had my psychology exam that i didn't study enough for. uh oh. i did fairly well on the last one, so i am probably okay. i cut my bangs and i'm really not sure how i feel about it. i probably should stop doing such a hack job on my hair all the time when i know i can actually do a decent job if i really try. i just found out that i don't have to work until 6, which is pretty bomb diggity. i also managed to scrounge up enough pennies (about 305 actually) with some other change to get into the hands of death and four question marks (from paris) show at roxxxy's tonight. i am also downloading kanye west- graduation right now. today might be alright yet. xxx, bee |
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some of my family came over today for easter supper. my dad got cell phones for me and my brother. i was pretty shocked by that. i guess it will make things easier. my brother was really pushing for a cell phone and i guess i'm riding the coat tails.  last night i left to go out at 1am. adam and mark dawson picked me up (in mark's car). we were supposed to go to mark's so he could change, drop off the car, drink a bit and then walk downtown to go to george street or something. we ended up just hanging out in mark's kitchen and basement. his mom came home loaded and talked about how mark would be perfectly suited to being a cop, and how all the cops hit on her and let her away with shit. she ordered us pizza at 4am and adam and mark got really stoned. we listened to justice on his xbox and watched the visualizations. when i was leaving i had to be very careful to not wake my brother. i was the easter bunny. that egg is one i made a few years ago. my family blows their eggs. it's supposed to be a cassette tape drawn on it with a crayon.     my brother is so silly  my cousin olivia was really into playing the piano.   my uncle buddy and my cousin juliet. i thought it was really sweet, they played a duet together. i really love my cousins, they're great. they don't know me very well which is really awful. it's a weird situation with my aunt by marriage who owns noah, olivia and josh (the youngest ones in those pictures). my family have serious conversations with me sometimes now. i really appreciate that. xxx, bee |
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sometimes i really do believe that newfoundland hardens people. our slanty houses and temperamental weather, our fast living and bad reputations. we are all cold and angry and sad and we all hold our heads up and embrace our 5 years behind fashion (at least) and our crows feet way too early and our wool socks. townies and baymen. rustic living, water street blues. god, this is it. xxx, bee |
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today i got the rest of the boxes of my books, and my zines!!! i have them all put away in my office, which still needs a light. my dad mentioned it to my uncle who is an electrician, so hopefully it will be done soon. i also found a cd-r with a whole bunch of old photographs. these are some of my favorites...   power slide!  i'm a mouse, holding a cat!  me and my daddyyyy    guitar on my lap, tape player in the background, i was punk as fuck.  budding artist.  me and aryn   me and aryn on my birthday  i graduated!!!   me, thirteen years old with my cousin  me and my brother, i'm thirteen years old  xmas, me and my brother, i'm fourteen years old  robert!  me and my brother  grade nine grad  i thought that i was so fat...  myself and mr. mandeville  we got caught in the rain waiting for a ride  nicole bogarse, me, aaliy, and andrew butler.  anddd, bucket full of bee! i just painted eggs with my mom and my brother. i wish i were out right now, but that is how the cookie crumbles i suppose. maybe i'll read. xxx, bee |
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i find it so embarrassing, or rather, so defeating when i need to say to my friends that i can't be left alone for fear of ending my own life. recruiting babysitters is shameful business. yes, i get irrational, yes i understand it's irrational, yes even when it is happening, can i stop it? nope. xxx, bee |
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today i made a great photo comparison between myself and audrey tatou as amélie:  nearly identical, i think. today my mom got scampers for the family which was rad because i got awesome greasy fries and an awesome strawberry milkshake. it isn't awesome because now i have a big ol' greasy gut. plus i'm bloated; ughhh. i started my job today. the dishwasher looks like lurch. xxx, bee |
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today i got a philosophy assignment back that i was worried about, i got 88% which was the highest grade in the class. he read my project out loud and used my assignment as a way to teach the class. 68 to 78 to 88. my parents have been arguing a bunch since we moved here... they've just been really short with everyone. we were supposed to be happier. they are pretty bad at dealing with things themselves, they always bring my brother and i into it. and i'm getting lectures from my dad for using the computer. i should have stayed in school, things are usually better without my family. sadly. xxx, bee |
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i woke up this morning to answer the phone. it's my future boss calling to tell me that you can't even get in the parking lot, so i start work at mega wrapz (okay it's actually spelled with an 's') on thursday. i didn't manage to crawl out of bet until about 3. bedridden with letter writing, and crappy daytime television, and awesome records, and cramps and depression. sometimes i want everyone to fall in love with me. i know that this is totally unreasonable. mostly, i just want a boy who will cuddle and make out with me and treat me like a dude in public. if i had a choice between the former and the latter, i'd take the latter. hands fucking down. xxx, bee |
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today is my fourth edgiversary. when i was mulling it over i mentioned it on blue kaffee... these are some reactions... "Stay away from my edge, jerk. xxx keep it clean Seriously though, it basically boils down to two things: Can you commit to it, and do you mind being negatively stereotyped due to a bunch of hardline assholes? You're just going edge for scene points. I bet if Tone broke so would you. tone's entry: "dood. i totally mad broke the edge. thrash. xxx. wait. not xxx." brittany's entry: "well, today i decided that drugs, alcohol and smoking are really cool. the edge is so dumb. i love the scene." P.S. I'm just joking, I love you both." -robert rotten "but now you can't fill your shot glass with tears, emo mc super emo" -dan galway "brittany i think you will break edge, your younge and immature and you have absolutly no idea how you will feel in a few years its not that i dont think being straightedge is a good thing, and im not saying that your any more younge or immature then me but think with someone so dedicated as nathan who broke edge just after 2 years and youve never experimented with drugs or alcohol so when your older you might want a glass of wine at dinner and if you drink it then youd be known as an edge breaker and you would of lied, because yopu swore youd be poision free till eturnity" -aryn suckers. i was supposed to have a french test today. my professor let me write the oral comprehension and the reading comprehension and i can write the test another day. i was supposed to have a psychology exam too, and that's postponed because of a snow storm. now i am spending my edgiversary all alone. i really do care about straight edge. i don't think i have ever really felt any sense of belonging from straight edge, i just really believe in it as a lifestyle for me. i'm proud of taking that extra step towards being the best person i can be.  now i just want to crawl into bed and read and write letters and listen to hüsker dü. xxx, bee |
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this weekend was more than i ever could have asked for. yesterday was just beautiful. i woke up and took a leisurely walk downtown. it was sort of warm and some of the snow was melting.    this is an awesome sheet metal place that i would see sometimes when i was checking the cash and carry dumpster at the west end of downtown. in the night time the tin man window display is really creepy. it was still fairly early so not too many people were downtown yet.  this is a window display from a local music store. "da missus by dory dan." by the end of the night george street was full of blasting irish music and drunken newfoundlanders.  the genetic angry shows were amazing. i hope that those dudes keep in touch. there was a really poor tun out for the all ages but i think that everyone had fun regardless. in between jono, david, jonny, steve and i walked up to pizza pros (bros) and maryanne's to get sweet chili heat chips, garlic fingers, pizza and cans of coke. we met up with mark walsh and matt dawe too. we watched the video steve took of the house show at robert's and the dig up the dead set from a few hours earlier. the bar show was just amazing. i don't think that anybody got id'd and kicked out, there was a much better turnout and everyone played so well. i sang along and moshed like it was 2003. i fell in love with st. john's, my friends and punk rock all over again. i've still got a high from it all, so much so that i can't even really express it. i'm not usually at such a loss for words, but the whole weekend was inexplicable. i guess you had to be there... xxx, bee |
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i accidentally skipped a french test today... but, i'm deciding to not deal with that and instead focus on awesome things, like the fact that there was a great house show at robert's tonight. i took a bunch of photos, and posted them here.         when the show was over, mrs. forward had made enough chili (non-veg) and curry (veg) for everybody. there was also free bottled water. it was so delicious, and so much fun. my mom picked me up and drove luke and tim (from genetic angry) and phillips to phillips' place. i love those times when you actually feel great about all of those things you love, like your friends and punk rock and being a fucking punk. right now, life is good. xxx, bee |
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 the snow and rain are violent outside but behind the double panes of glass it's sort of peaceful. it is almost as loud as yo la tengo in the background.  the turquoise made the white more fresh, "blue mixed with white will still be blue, add water, the color is still true"  i'm surrounded by a chattering rat, piles of records and mixtapes like ghosts, sawdust, unfinished paintjobs, unfinished notes... papers. blankets and a yesterday's pants all bundled up. nietzsche, plato, hume, emma bovary, and the first few chapter's of j.m. coetzee's "disgrace."   i can see a few trees from my window and for a second, i thought i saw people in them like balloons and kites. maybe i belong in another time. i have this silly unglazed porcelain figure of a little girl with brown hair and big dark eyes. she is wearing an orange and brown jumper dress, stockings to her knees, and an orange kerchief around her head and neck. she is carrying books and a goose follows her. and that's all i've ever wanted, really... that skin like porcelain and the graded pink concentric circles between my eyes and the skin covering my bottom row of pearls in the back. soft linens covering it all. falling, not stretching. to be so beyond beatrix potter when the day is new, then getting the train from the countryside and quiet brooks to cobblestone roads with virginia woolf to talk, over tea and a light lunch. look at the stars and roll around in bed with j.d. salinger and then visit j.m. barrie in my dreams. winter is absorbing and long but spring is on its way, and springtime is a hard time for aching hearts.  xxx, bee |
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a while ago my friend esther told me that my friend renee (both live in montreal) gets together with some friends and exercizes to good music weekly. they call it punxercizing. i wanted to do it too, but i can't because i'm not in montreal. i got the idea of making a work-out video as a film project. steve has a video camera and is trying to learn how to use it properly so i figured it'd be a nice project for us to do together. i managed to scrounge up an outfit for the project that i think is suitable:  it is still a little cold out, but that sunshine is getting to me. i have an exam on monday, so many books to read for an assignment that needs to be finished on friday, and a bunch of things to do in the house that i just moved into... but all i can think about is making silly videos and the shows this weekend, genetic angry are visiting from truro and playing an all ages, bar and house show. i'm so excited for a band i'm not even really familiar with, i can't imagine what kind of state i'll be in when career suicide come here in may. yikes! xxx, bee. |
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i am turning over a new leaf. last night was my first night in my new bedroom, at my parents' new house. while i get a little down about losing some independence, there are definitely perks. i am converting this sort of closet in my room into a sort of office, and food is free! i got a new mattress and dug out my bed from childhood and painted it this wonderful yellow called "curry spice." i quit facebook, hotmail and myspace and am relying on my university email, riseup email, and local hardcore message board. while i am a pretty frequent user of bluekaffee.com, my local blog website, it is sort of lacking and impersonal. it's more social networking. i am fairly happy with this website so far, we'll see how things pan out. now i'm off to do some research for a paper on nietzshe that i am nowhere near prepared to write! xxx, bee. |
