Tonight, I just want to relieve some stress by venting.
I've come to the conclusion that I am a very paranoid person. Although my father has paranoid schizophrenia, I haven't heard voices or seen delusions.. So, I'm good on the "i'm not THAT crazy" dealy.
My whole thing goes like this: On a borderline Asperger's note, I like long-term events. I like these things because they tend to form patterns--of which I'm supremely keen. For example, I know that my boyfriend is going to call me before he turns the keys in at work--but after he clocks out. I know what he'll say, I know how he'll say it. I know the exact inflections he'll use on the various words he says--and I know that any change in this--any slight change at all--will mean something is off. I will sit myself down and ponder that until I am so sick of it that I just give in and grill my boyfriend endlessly with question after question. It's sickening.
I go through this process for every slightest change I have in life. Well--every personal slightest change. If it's not directly related to me, I won't fret too much, being that I am not too much of an influence over personally-external forces and change.
You can imagine then, my being in a relationship can be sometimes stressful--Not because the relationship is bad. Far from it--but because I am supersensitive to my boyfriend's routine and so any change in it results in a very stressful situation for both of us.
I remember a time when I wasn't like this--but this was because I knew it would be beneficial to keep all friends distanced--and wasn't interested in a relationship too much. (I was in highschool..which makes me the odd one out, huh?) I kind of knew I'd be super clingy in a relationship, being that I always ended up moving around as a child. So..all my friends are always changing. In 4th grade I just ended up separating myself and waited to move. We didn't. I graduated that school system in 2005 with no best friends. Numerous somewhat-friends. Billions of acquaintances.
Anyway--the reason I write on this topic is because I was feeling super paranoid over something my boyfriend had previously done. Something he'd done last weekend. (Yep..it's been on my mind -that- long. Heh..) It wasn't particularly disturbing. In fact, anyone else would normally blow it off. But no.. I had to investigate--I had to own the power of knowing why.
Well, I gave up..and resolved to myself it was nothing. (A new coping strategy I'm trying to perfect; I call it "Gradual Acceptance"--I end up creating a sense of security within the possibility of it having sound reliability as being "nothing". This is actually helping me out a lot..It's being rationalized more quickly. I like to consider it Digestion Of Stress..so..y'know..I am digesting things..trusting things..more quickly now, because of my boyfriend's patience, and my need to prove myself a trusting, loving future wife..)
I got onto this topic because I was feeling super-paranoid..I typed this into google. I typed paranoia child abuse. Because I know it's a power thing, and I know that my want for power is a result of my lack of power as a child because of the physical and emotional abuse.
Welp..it turns out..that Neuroticism in the form of paranoia can form for a child whose needs are severely not met--and evolves as a child grows into adulthood. this is me.. Neurotic.
I wanted to type/talk this out today..So if I talk about it later..I'll be alright.
Oh..Doing a low carbohydrate diet now..
