Just some lyrics...
Date: Dec 9th, 2006 11:36:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: indescribable


"Imagine" by John Lennon

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No Hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion, too
Imagine all the people
Living lide in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one.
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"Hope dangles on a string..." -- DBC
Date: Dec 7th, 2006 12:05:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: despondent


My feelings are close enough for me to say "I don't want to." I don't want to move, I don't want to leave my family, my friends. I don't want to leave what I am comfortable with, what I know. I don't want to leave my daddy, I don't want to leave my mom. They drive me crazy sometimes, but they're my parents. My niece and nephew don't understand...so they get angry. And that kills me. Victory get's angry when I talk about leaving, too. And it's completely understandable. I'm leaving her in her time of need...but how could I have known?

"So turn up the corners of your lips..." -- DBC

I'm excited. I want this...I really do. I'm just really, really sad. I don't think I'm ready...and I just don't have a choice now. And I can't talk to Greek about this right now because his best friend is leaving in the morning and he's really bummed about that.

"Defenses paper thin..." -- DBC

I'll be okay.
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"I'm a racing car passin' by like Lady Godiva" -- Queen
Date: Dec 4th, 2006 11:29:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: troubled


Victory and I hung out tonight and I got to talk to her new beau for a couple minutes before I headed home. I actually really like him...though that might be a tad biased because he's going to enlist in the Army. That right there kills me (both makes me feel horrible and cracks me up) because, for the first reason, I don't want Victory to have to go through any of that. I did, have been, am, for the past 16 months and it sucks, though it makes a relationship so much stronger, and for the second reason...she swore up and down until she was blue in the face that she'd never date a guy in the military, especially after seeing me go through it all. The thing that sucks in all of this is that I'm not going to be able to be there for her when he leaves, when she is going through the roughest part. I'm going to be 20 hours (drive) away and she's going to need to save her money to go see him, so the only way I'm going to be able to comfort her is over the phone...and that's just not the same. I would've gone crazy while Greek was in BCT if I hadn't had her, hadn't had her physical presence there to help me, to keep me occupied, to just...BE. She was my rock. I'll also give her a fair ammount of credit for helping me to get over cutting and be happy. I just wish I could BE there for her like she was there for me, like she's ALWAYS there for me. I kind of feel that by moving I'm letting her down. She's going through a lot right now...her other best friend got diagnosed with cancer and a bleeding problem (it wouldn't clot) about a month ago and was given a week to live...well, she's obviously lived longer than they gave her but she's having problems like the loss of some linguistic capabilities. It sounds like she's having trouble forming words...and speaking in general. Her eyes were watering while she was on the phone with this girl tonight and I couldn't say anything. Couldn't do anything. I don't understand this. All I can offer her is what I've picked up from my mom (who is a nurse) over the years...I don't know what else to do. I guess I can only be there for her and hope it's enough.

To make matters worse. I totally broke my baby toe on my right foot tonight because I have a major lack of grace. Also, one of my best guy friends, Turkey, (whom I met through Greek while they were in AIT together) just put in a request to go to Kuwait for a year. Granted it's not all that dangerous...but still. He'll be deployed, and could very possibly go to Iraq from there. That's what a LOT of units do.

Adding to the helpless factor, Greek's best friend's (on post) time will be served this week and he'll be leaving the base they are stationed at to return home to his family. I feel horrible for him. He's got no one else there, and right now there is nothing I can do. I can't even kiss it away right now. I just feel awful. He's already admitted that he's going to be such a barracks rat after he leaves and will be counting the days until he comes home for Christmas which makes me worry for him. To make matters worse on THIS one, he found a lump on his back this morning which he thinks is just swelling from doing crunches poorly...but I'm a worry wart of a wife.

I'm behind on Christmas. I really need to get a move on on all of that. Granted I'm almost done purchasing everything...but a lot of it needs to be made and prepared. Boo.

I'm stressing about leaving. I'm not even looking forward to it right now because I'm so sad about leaving my family and friends that it's consuming me.
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I wish I could have my cake and eat it, too.
Date: Dec 1st, 2006 10:53:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: vulnerable


I'm scared to move away. I mean, I'm not sure I'm ready to leave home, and now it's like I don't have a choice. And I know that sounds horrible, because I really want to move, Greek is so good to me and I love him SO damn much...I'm just scared of being so far away from my family. I'm being thrust away and thrown to the other side of the country. My dad has been crying a lot lately and I hate that I'm the cause of his pain...He's not ready to let me go, either. I know that I'll always be close to my family, even if it's not physically. I'm just going to miss them a lot and I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that in about a month I'm not going to see them every day and I will officially have to be a grown up. I always felt grown up...but now I feel like such a little kid. I just want to crawl into my daddy's arms and be his "monster mash." I want to help my mom bake Christmas cookies because I like it and she lets me eat the dough, not because I'm putting them in a Christmas basket for my inlaws. It takes a lot for me to admit that I'm just not ready to leave home...and I hate that I even have to say that I don't have a choice...because I made my choice, and it was TO move...and to be with Greek. We'll only be away for a couple years...and I know I'll get used to it...I'm just...I'm just going to miss my family so much.
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Do me a favor and don't make any more promises...
Date: Nov 30th, 2006 12:32:27 am - Subscribe
Mood: sorry


They're uncomfortable thoughts, the one's I'm having tonight. He's broken a promise, and while to most it wouldn't seem like a big thing, it was to me. Greek and I are married but living in different states until the end of this semester. We haven't been able to talk much lately so he promised me that tonight we would have a "date." We would blow everything else off and just sit on our butts and talk to each other, just be together on the phone. He didn't call until almost 10 (and with the time difference that makes it almost 11 his time) and almost the entire time we were on the phone we were completely silent. Any attempt at conversation I tried to make was ended quickly with a short response on his end. Then he went to bed because it was late and he has to wake up early (yeah, the Army does that.). Obviously...I was upset. I AM upset. He promised we could have our date and I was so looking forward to it. I'd been talking about it with a friend (Goose, who's boyfriend is in the Army) all day and telling her how excited I was about it. I was so excited. And he just doesn't understand why I'm upset.

"Mmm what you say, mmm that you only meant well, well of course you did. Mmm what you say, mmm that it's all for the best, of course it is. Mmm what you say, mmm that it's just what we need, you decided this. Mmm what you say, mmm what did she say?" -- Imogen Heap.
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