The joy is unexplainable.
Date: Nov 27th, 2006 6:30:05 am - Subscribe
Mood: fat
Greek came home for Thanksgiving, which was a lovely surprise. He and a friend of his drove 20 hours (both ways) to be here Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. He loves me. In related news, I'm growing quite fond of my father inlaw and step mother inlaw, however I still dislike my mother inlaw and her husband. (Read: Want nothing to do with them).
When I thought about marrying Greek, the main thing on my mind was that we'd finally be able to be togehter, there wasn't much the Army could do to keep us apart. But now it's really hitting home that I have to LEAVE...home. 37 days and I move to a whole other state that I've only been to twice and saw mainly the inside of my hotel room. I'm nervous, scared, and in all honestly not quite sure that I'm ready to leave home and all that entails. I've never lived on my own, and while I won't necessarily be on my own (I'll have my husband, of course), I still won't have my parents, or my sisters and their families, and so on and so forth.
School is not going so well. I've all but given up on this semester. I dropped my english class and have been skipping class every chance I get. Basically, I show up for test days (without having studied) and make okay grades. I can't believe I'm doing this again. I was so determined to do well at the beginning of this semester, but as it draws to a close my mind is on other things. Like my last holiday season at "home," moving, and leaving everything else behind. School, right now, is just not my main priority...but can you blame me? Probably.
I need a hobby...
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"You and me won't be unhappy..." -- Placibo
Date: Nov 4th, 2006 6:48:53 am - Subscribe
Mood: lost
It all happened so quickly. In August we got engaged, and in October, we married. I didn't have time to think, I felt like my hand was forced. Not to accept the proposal or to marry Greek, but to marry him so quickly, and in a courthouse. As a little girl I never dreamed of a lavish wedding, I'd never planned it out to the point of only needing a groom, but I'd wanted a wedding. Granted, we'll still have a wedding, but 10 months after the fact, what's the point? We did it this way so I could move to the coast to be with him at his duty station, if it's what we want anyway, why not, right? Right? God, please tell me I'm right! Please, don't get me wrong, I'm glad. But I'm still living at home finishing out the semester (which I honestly couldn't care less about anymore) while my husband is on the other side of the country. This isn't how any of it was supposed to happen! I'm scared to move. My family didn't believe that I was moving until we were married, and at some level I didn't believe it either. Rather, I could take it back, change my mind. But now this choice, too, has been taken from me. I'm so very excited, and so very restless, but I'm leaving behind everything I know, everyone I care for but him.
"Tell me we both matter, don't we?" -- Placebo
I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. It's as if I'm just waking up and realizing that I've taken everything for granted. Tell me what to do, oh God, please tell me what to do!
"Let me steal this moment from you now" -- Placebo
I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. My family thinks I'm a failure for getting married at the age of 19 and think I haven't taken anyone else into account. My friends, I've just let them down in general. I haven't been there for Victory, I haven't been a friend. Greek? I take my frustration out on him. When I get to the point of not being able to handle the lonliness, when I feel so lost without him, I take it OUT on him...which makes sense in some twisted way since I guess on some subconcious level I'm still bitter about him joining the Army. I still feel abandoned, and the emotions are raw right now because he was here just last week...and now I'm going to bed alone.
"If I only could make a deal with God..." -- Placebo
I'm not sure I've got the stregth to stand this anymore. It's been 11 months since I've cut myself, and it's something I'm proud of, and while I feel I'd be letting a lot of people down...it's something my body still craves. I need to lay down. Sleep this off.
...I need to sleep life off.
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"I fell in love, in love with you suddenly..." -- Hellogoodbye
Date: Jul 11th, 2006 1:29:52 am - Subscribe
Mood: dejected
I've been neglecting my ABlog terribly...
"I like where we are, when we drive in your car..." -- Hellogoodbye
He frustrates me. If Victory, my best friend and the one that I confide everything in, started to wonder how it was possible for Greek and I to be happy together, I'd understand. We argue a lot, and grant it...I start it a lot. It's just that...ugh! I don't even know how to explain it. Whenever we talk on the phone he's having two conversations, one half assed one with me, and one with the friend he's playing video games with, or his attention is on the movie he's watching. That's fine, play your game or watch your movie, but when I say I'm going to let you go, don't insist that I should stay on the phone. Call me when you're done.
"Our lips can touch, and our cheeks can brush..." -- Hellogoodbye
Just little things like that, but he does make me happy. Honestly, I know it's a crappy reason, but it's the distance that's getting to us. To me. Being apart...it just sets us both on edge.
"I like where you sleep..." -- Hellogoodbye
One can only say "I miss you so much" before it turns into something that is almost an excuse. Something that ends up hurting the other person. Does this even make sense?
"When you sleep next to me..." -- Hellogoodbye
I was in Europe for 2 weeks. Even though I'm always away from Greek...being that much further away made me miss him more, and I didn't know that was possible. I was in a time zone that when I was going to bed...he was getting off of work. I couldn't talk on the phone for very long because I had to pay almost a dollar a minute, and I'm sure there were random hidden fees connected, too. I was miserable the whole trip because I couldn't be with him. I couldn't sleep because he wasn't there. I had to pile the pillows up around me just to feel slightly more comfortable, because even though I haven't slept in the same bed with him for over a month, I still need him there. Every place in Europe I went I wanted to share with him. I took so many pictures for him so he could feel like he was there with me...
"Here..." -- Hellogoodbye
January is so far away. I want to just drop everything and move now. I don't want to wait another 6 months. I can't. I guess I have to though, don't I?
"Where you are the one
The one that lies close to me
Whispers, "Hello, I've missed you quite terribly"
I fell in love
In love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be
But here in your arms." -- Hellogoodbye
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No Crafty Titles.
Date: Jun 8th, 2006 3:39:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: needy
I guess it's been quite a while since I last updated.
He came home. He was home for 11 days, and what a wonderful 11 days it was. It was bliss. There was no arguing. There was only happiness. I spent lazy days with him, nights in his arms after making love. I could hear his breath as he slept, feel his warmth and heartbeat, smell his skin. And it's all been ripped away. Sunday morning he had to go back to his post. It was horrible. I've never hated an airport for taking someone away from me before...I've never seriously contemplated begging him to go AWOL before. But my God. It's the first time we've seen each other since we found out I can't move there in August and now that he's left...it's all become real. I don't know if I've actually written about how I am not able to move in August anymore so I will now. Basically, the Army likes to screw everyone over. I'm very bitter, can you tell? Moving on. I wasn't going to move until May 07, but I've decided to move between semesters in early January. But 6 months is masquerading as an eternity, and knowing that in those 6 months I'll only see him twice...is killing me. It's killing him. It's killing us. By us I mean the relationship. And by that I mean, it's just making it very difficult to be happy, not that we're breaking up. I get upset at the slightest things, I cry a lot. It get's harder everyday to find a reason to pull myself out of bed. Perhaps I've become too dependant on him, but I'm ok with that. I don't want him to hurt anymore either. I just want him to be happy, and while he says I make him happy, I just don't believe that I possibly can.
I keep trying to see the bright side, to see that 6 months isn't a long time at all. I've got so much I have to do. Starting with cleaning out my rooms. That is a feat within itself and will take months. Also, I need to save money. I need to pack, but I'll probably start that at the beginning of December. I keep trying to see how 2 months isn't that long, because that is the period of time that I have to go without seeing him. Every two months I get to see him again...and I just have to think about it like I thought about it when he left for basic. Keep busy, count how many times I do mundane things such as haircuts, nail appointments.
I miss him so very much...and there's nothing I can do about it.
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"...Seems like I'm losing it all..." -- Alexz Johnson
Date: May 6th, 2006 5:07:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: abandoned
I shouldn't feel this way. But I do. Abandoned. I know it wasn't his intention, to leave me personally, but I can't help but feel that way. Especially when he's away when I need him here most. Or even the little things, like when it's storming and I'm on the verge of tears because I'm so terrified. I just want to curl up in him. I'm upset that I won't be moving out there in August, 3 months from now, like planned. Instead I have to wait 4 times that...and move next May. A year from now. I can't keep going months without seeing him. It's so hard. It hurts. But neither of us can afford to see each other monthly.
School. Wow. I'm failing 2 of the clases and hopefully passing one...but my grade is dropping as we speak. Luckily it's almost summer. I'm just going to have to buckle down next year...show my parents that they can count on me when it comes time to pay my tuition out of state.
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