El Mano (not referring to a hand)
Date: Jan 26th, 2005 1:27:34 am - Subscribe
Mood: peeved/an hour later not so peeved
Mi el mano and mi have some problemos to fix. Well at least I do..
Distance = no touchy feeliness. I'm totally aware of that right? But wow. When I signed the contract I didn't realize it'd come down to this. We talk on the phone a lot and it's hard to get all that positive great, heaven forbid I say sexual, energy that builds off the other person. He makes you feel a certain way and vice versa. And in a relationship you give a little get a little. Satisfy then be satisfied. Sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling so gracious? Is that the word I'm looking for? Or is it just plain giving rather than recieving? That sounds selfish because we've talked about how I've cockblocked him many maaaany times. Which is pretty suckie on my part. Then I feel bad when he doesn't return the favor..oops. So now I feel bad.
Then there's something else. People have past relationships and are in many different situations. Everybody makes mistakes and learns from them. People get hurt and are affected in different ways. It's all part of life dur. Well, both of us have been hurt in previous relationships not necessarily bf/gf relationships but just any kind. So trust is obviously an issue. Everybody has trust issues. (i.e. OMG YOU TOLD BOBBY I LIKED HIM?! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SALLY'S SLEEPOVER WITH YOU! ugh -girlie sigh-) Then we pout and sulk and it really hurts us. But how does that really help anything whatsoever? It doesn't. So I for one have learned to get over things fairly quickly.
Well when he and I started getting closer and more open. I really began to trust him. So as of now I can really openly tell him anything. Somethings are really personal because they're sensitive subjects with me but he completely understands and wants me to be ready before I feel pressured to say anything. Well with him..he's really taken what's happened to him in the past and taken it to heart and learned from it. Which I really admire. So he has trouble opening up to me. And I don't want to pressure. I hope I don't come off as if I do push him to tell me things. He is such a caring considerate unselfish person that he feels like his shit isn't anybody's business but his own. I know how that feels. He's apt to smiling and putting on a happy face now. I told him he has to vent sometimes and he tries so hard but I know he's hurt. That part hurts me even. So I worry about him and I just hope everything in his life is ok. All I can do is let him know I'm there for him all the time. The sad part is that I catch myself slightly throwing it in his face by pretending to be closed off. Ew? Yes ew.
But anyways I'm glad I came back to this entry like an hour or so later because I was upset and now I'm fine. Our relationship has many strengths and one of the greatest is communication. In general we can talk and talk annnd talk and never be hendered by embarrassments. There's one thing he's taught me and that's to be yourself. That's one reason why I love him so much. He IS himself..all the time. Everyday I can feel him near me. His sweetness and spirit makes me oh so very happppy. Hmm now I'm chipper!
Have a good nite.
Comments: (0)
Tally Ho
Date: Jan 25th, 2005 8:12:30 pm - Subscribe
Mood: scattered
Where shall I begin? hmm HMM hmm um well..OK! Today has been very weird. My days are just getting weirder. Like should I be feeling satisfied and content like I am? orrr should I be bitching about the incompetent crued fucked up world? Eh not wanting to do that second one as much. I'm happy but sometimes it's like I feel bad for feeling so great. I feel very clear and cognizant. Just very open to a lot right now Maybe a smidge vulnerable but I can deal with that.
I have to go to the hospital tomorrow to get an echocardiogram..oOo big words are fun. They put that gel-like substance all over your boobehs and then roll that device across your chest to take pretty pictorals of your heart. Hopefully my heart is a-ok rather than being el broko. That would be awfully horrible. And then I have to take the "Holter Test" where you wear a heart monitor for a week and it records when your heart is beating irregularly. And no, it's not a pacemaker. And no, there are not prongs that will be inserted into my chest cavity. You'd be suprised how many people have said that to me.
Tonite = planless. I'm hoping to do some reading and studying. But I need fresh air or something new. Just maybe go out. Do something different. Ha. Doubt I'll do anything because I love my bed too much.
Comments: (0)
Fresh Start
Date: Jan 25th, 2005 7:54:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: zonkered out
I had 3 different blogs at one point in time. Of course for all the wrong reasons. So now I felt the need to start a new one. Needed somewhere to write and vent besides a piece of paper cause my hand gets so tired so fucking fast. Faster than when i mastur-ma-bate. And well, that folks is something we shall not go into.
Comments: (0)