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My Blogs

philotes @ JE Temple - Subscribe
In a temple I carved for u
Large enough to comfy
Small enough to warm
Without fire, but with love
Here I stand with open arms
For you to step in from your battle woes
To perhaps heal the loss, to perhaps heal the pain
To find your peace, to find tranquil

In the temple I carved for u
I hope it stays always
Within the space I carved
Shared by none but U & me

Mood: Morning Dew

philotes A wonderful Saturday 10 Jul 2010, Saturday - 05:31 am - Subscribe
Its a happy day today. Saturdays have seldom been so happy. Hopefully, it happens to Sundays too.

Thank u for being around, for fussing around us. Felt so blessed. A Month back, I was still deciding if I should take the plunge or should I pull the plug.

Will always remember a Date with the 12 kingsmen of 6 continents. Eternity Choice : Salvation or Justice..
Mood: sensual

philotes HIS will? Let us meet 10 yrs later .... 12 Jul 2010, Monday - 08:50 am - Subscribe
why? Why let us meet only now? Not 10 years earlier.. Things would have been so different. Maybe its becos thru this 10 years, we know exactly what we lack and when we meet, the gap is instantly fulfilled..

I dun hv to say much.. U know wats in my mind. My little fairy. When ever I m lost, u r like a star guiding the way, giving me ideas n solutions.

As I typed, tears jus streamed down my face, I wonder, r we destined to meet only now. Shd I consider myself lucky or ...

Yr relation w S has almost ended, its just e final draw, for e bloodshed cut. Yes, I demanded no contacts. I know its v mean of me. But I will do anything to ensure there is no possibility for her to come back to u. U mean to much, too much to me Now..

know why I teared.. Jus got Fuck by him again, over Ds dinner, Ds make a mess on e dinner table. Its my fault again.. I teared not because of him, but I keep thinking, life would hv been more pleasant, more meaningful n more fulfilling if ... If only I meet u 10 years earlier ..
Mood: bitter

philotes A MaSTerPieCe; The SteaLtH 15 Jul 2010, Thursday - 12:38 am - Subscribe
I am a piece of art.
In stealth mode I stand,
awed by many;
held by one.

Awaken in the night,
Amidst the place of no light,
It is time for flight.

In silence I flew,
Invade in surprise
& leave no trace for trail

For I, the stealth, is a masterpiece.
Dreamt by many, to fly me afar.

Mood: poetic

philotes The stark beginning of Philotes ... 17 Jul 2010, Saturday - 11:35 am - Subscribe
My Lord, you have pronounced the birth of my stealth identity, on the 26th day of June in the year of 2010.

___The Pronouncement ____
"I hereby announce you with the name 'Philotes' and be bless with ppl around you. Long live my goddess"

*** The Meaning ****
Philotes (Greek: Φιλότης) is a minor Greek goddess. She was a daughter of Nyx. She is the personification of affection and friendship.

This nick shall stay with me for the rest of my life. I will always remember how and why it happen on that sweet Saturday morning..

It is really the effort, the luv, that raw enthusiasm in wanting to find a nick that suits me to a pea. I will hold this moment of passion - display it in my temple u built for me. Take a tour around it, that is filled with the so many moments of happiness, longing, waiting, sharing, pleasures, comfort, truth, pain, tears, worries, surprises, laughter, naughtiness, sensual, massages and so many other moments.

I must hand it to you, my Lord. You have made me to be such a goddess to you. If there is a next life, I hope we meet again.
Mood: sublime
Thoughts of the Day: Goddess Forever |{^_^}|

philotes 3 days to e grand finale.... 22 Jul 2010, Thursday - 08:26 am - Subscribe
3 more days and she is off to a faraway land with aS. Will u be strong enough, hard hearted enough to draw the closure, the grand finale?

Ever since the story of the 12 knights in 6 continents, I hv been looking forward towards the finale.. But now, now tat I know tat it will happen, everything seems so unreal.. so unbelievable tat it actually happened. Looking back into time 2 months ago, u were still so in loved with her, bleeding so badly, tearing so sorrowfully tat I cringe whenever I recall the day u teared in front of me..

As the date draws nearer.. I get more and more uneasy and queasy. I feel like I have tainted my hands and murdered this relationship u had with her. I didn't know I had to go through this ... this feeling sucks and I had to take deep breaths to keep the overwhelming bad feeling down. To keep telling myself, its ok. This day will come, be it me being the catalyst or not. She betrayed you, I came in to comfort, not destroy..

But still, I am a player in this intertwine .... :x
Mood: jiggy
Thoughts of the Day: Fate call; Destiny strike. Follow your heart or heed yr mind.

philotes Lag in the loom of my lost world 23 Jul 2010, Friday - 09:46 am - Subscribe
Its weekend again. Drinking tonight.. Taking a break to put in my tots. To think I can still type tis in my half drunk mode.. Wat a joke..

Today, I m on my own. But drinking in loow mood is not good. Cant hold drink at all. Despite all e jokes, hv to put up a laugh or join in e fun. I lost myself in the crowd. Dun think too much, jus enjoy being high, being around Others.

But its good.. Good for a break, from the little monsters n him.

To think I put up so much for e sake of e kids and the family, sometimes I wonder if I short change myself. But tis is life. This is e path I choose, the oath I make, the swear I made to myself. For without this fundamental structure, there is no me. I will be like a pc of drift wood floating in e sea heading nowhere.

Sometimes, its a consolation knowing tat u were always around for me when help is needed. Sometimes knowing tat u r someones hubby left me filled stabbed n gagged. There's some things tat I cannot expect to have.

This is my life, my destiny, my fate. I have made a choice and this choice holds e connect to 3 other persons. No matter how hard it is. No matter how unhappy I am. I made a choice for life.
Mood: disillusioned
Thoughts of the Day: Ask me Wat is luv. Its an impossible dream for me now.

philotes Aftermath Day 1 26 Jul 2010, Monday - 08:25 am - Subscribe
Early tis morning when i see u... The gift of the Audi Key Ring came just in time. I don’t know if it’s the work of up there that I should received it over the weekend. It will always remind me / us of the new day u woke up where S’s status is no longer your gf. But I wonder, I wonder how true is this statement?
Have u really let her go? Have she really feel the breakup. I have no idea at all. Judging from your aftermath, u seem to be taking it rather well. Judging from how I felt about your mood and the situation today. I really have no clue and to be in all honesty, I dun like what I feel. There are too many possibilities.

1. The cut is final. Most of the aftermath is shield off because of my presence.

2. You dun want to affect me and my mood and as such put up a strong front despite the pain.

3. The cut is not final, as such the aftermath is not so serious. There is still a 3 months consideration period for her. (in her view, from wat she read from the letter)

4. The cut is final. But these 90 days is where she will grow and learn. You know there’s a high possibility that she will ask u back.

This morning, it is the 3rd time I ask u for the letter u pass to her last nite, until now I still have not seen it. I will not ask for it anymore. If u are not prepared, then dun show. It just makes me think that she thought it is just another letter, just like the 1st 2 letter u have sent her.

The relation between 2 of u has run so deep that I know its quite impossible to put a complete stop. When she is back after 90 days, She will call you up again. Till now, u are still not prepared to drop her call. She still updates u her whereabouts, what she is doing. You are still open to pick the call….. so where does that leaves me.

Philotes…. PHilotes.. Hv u forgotten your identity??

No, I hv not and I know I hv no right to d***** ..

Mood: antsy
Thoughts of the Day: 90 days.. Heads or tails ... Pull or push

philotes Philotes @ Thought 27 Jul 2010, Tuesday - 01:11 am - Subscribe
I am thinking.. thinking If I am asking for too much attention. Shd I lower the expectation, shd I not disturb u too often. But as much as I try not to, I still luv to hear yr voice, talk to u. The conversation can be crappy, can be non logic nonsense, I still enjoy every second of it, as long as its u on the other end of the line.

Sigh.. but u know something, even though u have given me so much attention, shower me with so much luv. Within me, there is a deep sense of insecurity that’s nudging. The feeling just didn’t go away. I thought it would be gone on THE DAY, but it didn’t, it stays, hard and deeply etched in a little corner, popping up once a while reminding me of the cruel reality of life, of the strong bonding u had with S . I keep thinking why.. why is the strong feeling of insecurity still there despite your reassurance that u have let go. Kept me thinking for a while, I think I know the answer. You are little fairy.. u probably would have guess it, but becos its staring blatantly right into your face, you may have missed it.

You are the next best thing that has ever happen to me other than my 2 lovely kids. Time spent with u has always been so sweet, so wonderful. It just past swiftly every time. Every moment is really enjoyed and greatly treasured. Never had I feel so wanted, so treasured, so delicately taken care of. I really look forward to doing every thing with u.

Kept my phone next to me when I sleep, so that I can even talk to u when I first woke up… Cos u r always the 1st to pop to my mind when I woke.

But I fear, I really fear that in time to come, in a time of future… you could become my worst nightmare so much so that it will break me completely. In this short span of 8 months, u have known me so well, so much more in depth than anyone else has ever gone. You know a lot of inner most secrets which I never shared with anyone before. You have absolute grabs of my likes, dislikes, my mood, the way I think, my core value, what I look for in life, how I face my life. Which I must say I didn’t do as well when it comes to knowing u in this aspect.
Mood: slippery

philotes The veiled Lifted 28 Jul 2010, Wednesday - 08:37 pm - Subscribe
cool.gif Chivalrous Intellect, Resolutely Entrusted, Unexceptionally Lively Infusion.

The veil is finally lifted and the puzzle of the tagline is solved.

U may have guessed the reason behind not revealing this until now. Until after x no. of weeks that I have put up this tagline.. To me, doing it earlier, this statement is just a statement, no diff to the rest of the statement I made.

Although revealing it now does makes me feel the significant impact of this statement, . I dun know how true it holds for u. This 3 words are not meant to be thrown around to just anyone. It was never used in any previous flings before. NEVER!!!

Its not everyday a person can find soul mate easily. It took me 34 years to found 1. How many 34 years do I have.. But at least I did found 1. Someone full of surprises. Full of fun and laughter and who really really spares no effort to care, to luv, to share everything under the sun.

No doubt, this relationship will bring us to nowhere. But it filled up a missing gap in my life. Something which is so basic to a woman. Yet for the past x no. of years, I live my life without it. Now that it had found me, I will take every opportunity to enjoy the lost time.

Mood: shy
Thoughts of the Day: Feel it - CIRE ULI

philotes A Friday to remember 31 Jul 2010, Saturday - 07:34 am - Subscribe
wink.gif yesterday is probably the longest time we have ever spent together.. Its a good 16 hours ... But its just gone in a blink of e eye.

Breakfast time was good. dinner was good too, luv the cosy feeling felt. But the best was really the nite walk by e beach. Sitting down by the bench in e comfort of yr arms talking about anything under the stars.

I guess the only time tat I felt lousy was the 1st trip to bfast where u mentioned S. Yes, it was a mood spoiler, u sensed it too, thus u kept yr silence for a while. Do I find her a threat, I guess she isn't for Now. But like e many times I told U, she hasn't give up on u. And to me, tis is just like a time bomb to be exploded.. U meant too much for her to let go. She is still probably indecisive. Thinking tat u will always be around for her, no matter wat happen.

no way can I stop her fm calling, neither can I stop u fm getting updates n news abt her. I m not as generous as u thought I m. I m far more petty than tat. Something which I never like to admit, but the traits are there. Yup, I let myself dwell a while in tat lousy mood, rather than hiding it away. But once I decide to snap out of it. That mood is over.

Ouch, got tis stabbing pain on upper rib again, seems like the attacks gets a little more frequent recently. Must be bad sitting position!!!

Promised me this : Dun !!! Dun ever get us into the same situation where me, u and s faced. Like I told u last night. If u ever fancy someone again. leave me out of the equation as early as possible or practice some self restraint..

Mood: dreamy

philotes a haunting 31 Jul 2010, Saturday - 08:51 pm - Subscribe
last night, I brought a troubled mind, a troubled soul to bed. Hoping tat once I slept it through, today will be a calmer day for me.

I was so wrong, I Woke up feeling as troubled n lousy as last night. Mood was bad, temper was lousy. Keep having this haunting tot circling in my head. So many times, I suppressed it down. So many many time it resurfaced, each time uping e scale of the troubled charter.

the time came when I couldn't hold it down anymore, it just eats into me, magnified by the so many telltale signs tat I pick along e way. I ask myself, am I being pessimistic. I replied myself, "haven't I been through enough to pick up these loose signals? I have been thru before and 90% of the times, I was seldom wrong or devivated too far from my Instinct.

And becos of e lousy mood, quarrels occur. I know its my fault. For the x no. o times this morning tat I was shouted at. I kept quiet. I started it, step on his tail n spoilt his Morning. I deserved it. I m sorry.

After keeping my silence, I went in to shower after settling e kids, sat on e wet floor, I let water fm e shower coupled with built up tension flowed down, hoping tat after this release, I will be able to snap out n suppressed it down again.
Mood: down