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phoenixgrl
Long Dark Night of the Soul - Subscribe
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The long dark night of the soul is that time when you tango with your inner demons, waltz with your fears, and eventually accept those shadowy bits of yourself. But you know what people forget to tell you when they talk about their long dark night of the soul? That it's not just *one* night, it is many long nightmarish nights, and many equally long horrid days. That just when you think you've got a handle on your life, when you think you might be starting to deal with those skeletons you've unearthed from your closet, the demon hiding under your bed pops up. Of course that's all a lovely metaphor for ugly thoughts and ghoulish memories that no sane person wants to retain, those memories that where pushed into the deepest corners of our minds. But eventually you have to deal with them. So here I am, having my long dark night of the soul. And it has been a long one, with no end in sight. Yet I know (or at least hope) that one day this feeling of wanting to just curl up in a quivery mass and bawl will go away. I hope that one of these days I won't feel so lost, so confused. That one of these days I'll stop hoping that maybe today I won't wake up, because then the pain would all be gone. (Don't worry I'm in therapy and have a strong support group of friends. I have no intention of killing myselfâ€"that does not however stop the thoughts from being there, but that's another entry all together). I've always suffered from depression and anxiety, but only recently have I been able to start working on *why* I suffer from depression and anxiety (and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, though I didn't have a name for my little "quirks" til recently too). About a year and a half ago I moved across the country from my crazed relatives. I found myself in a safe and loving environment, and I was slowly (very slowly) starting to look at my childhood with clearer vision. Then a year ago a cousin, who was also a dear childhood friend of mine, died in a motor vehicle accident. It was a nightmarish way to spend Christmas, and was only made worse by an (only slightly) unexpected episode of dysfunctional family theater. I've been trying to find my feet since then. It is said that that which does not kill us makes us stronger. It is also said that these long dark nights of the soul are a time of spiritual growth. Well I'm not dead yet (I'm getting better!), and I'm starting to realize just how strong I really am. But goddess bless I could use a break from all this spiritual growth. |
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phoenixgrl
Slip Sliding Away December 31, 2004, 12:55 am CST - Subscribe
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So Dec. 3rd I'm on my way home from my first day of substitue teaching. I live way out in bfe up in the mountains. The weather had been a really shitty mix of snow and rain all day. The roads down in the valley were fine, but once I got to my little mountain town they were all covered in a layer of slushy snow. So here I am driving along beboping to whatever cd I had in at the time, when I start to turn the wheel and my car just keeps going straight. I downshifted, and was overcome with the knowledge that there was no way I was going to regain control of the car before I went off the embankment and possibly into the lovely, freezing cold stream that runs along side the road. I was thankfully stopped from entering the stream by a set of rather large boulders. I wasn't going very fast and managed to be unscathed myself. My car was not so lucky. So after catching my breath (and feeling that someone should have announced "please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle until it comes to a complete and utter stop"), I managed to climb up the snowy embankmet without breaking a ankle. I friendly passerby gave me a lift and I managed to call a tow truck to come and get it. It takes the weekend for the tow service to realize that the car is undriveable. So I have them tow it to the dealership where I bought the car. When I first asked how much it was going to cost I was told about $128, but when the final bill came in it was about $400. Big difference there. My insurance will cover it as it was collision related, but I have discovered that dealing with them is almost more difficult than pulling a tooth. So $3000 worth of repair later (thankfully I only had to pay the deductible, but just seeing that amount on a bill is enough to give this girl a panic attack), and damn near a month later (took the insurance company a week *after* the car was repaired to send me the check). I finally got my car back. It might not have been so frustrating if I lived in town where there is a bus system. But no I live up in a little mountain town away from the rest of civilization (normally I love where I live, but it is not conductive to live without transportation). Thankfully I have an amazing group of friends (one in particular has been an angel), who have made sure I got to work and got where I needed to go. The one who has been an angel also made sure I didn't spend the holidays by myself, which would have been a very *bad* thing. My adopted family went out of town (origianally I was supposed to go too, but that didn't work out) for the holidays. So I was rattling around my suddenly quiet house, without transport anywhere. So it was really nice to have people who cared enough to make sure I didn't spend too much time brooding. Too much brooding is bad for your health you know. So here's hoping that we all have fun and little brooding over the next few days of drucken revelry. Have a safe and happy New Year's folks! |
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