phoenixgrl's Blog

Auld Lang Syne
Date: January 3, 2005, 3:49 am CST - Subscribe
Mood: contemplative
Music of the Moment: none, just the crackle of the fire and electric hum of machines

Okay, so I'm a little late in posting a New Year's post. But here we go anyway. I actually had a very enjoyable New Year's Eve, and New Year's day. I spent both with a friend and her family having an Alan Rickman movie fest. We watched "Truly, Madly, Deeply," "Galaxy Quest," "Sense and Sensiblity," and "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves." We also watched "Bend it Like Beckham," which kind of tied into the them because although it didn't have Alan Rickman in it, it did have the actress from "Truly, Madly, Deeply" (Juliet Stevenson I believe her name was) in it.

It was a very enjoyable time, and I'm glad I didn't spend it alone brooding. Brooding is something I'm rememarkably good at, and a habit I'm trying to break. I'm also trying to be nicer to myself, and get my life back together.

It seems so odd that it's 2005. How can a year be both so long and so short. So much has happened in the last year. I've gained a job, quit a job, had a nervous breakdown, am recovering from said nervous breakdown, and am back working (at the same place no less, though only temporarily this time). Yet it also feels like I've been stuck in the same old rut all year, and that things just haven't changed. I'm still struggling with the brain fog caused by depression and anxiety. I'm still struggling to care about my life. It is the old two step of life (two steps forward, one step back--though it often feels the other way round).

I've spent so much of the past year in contemplation. So perhaps now I should contemplate the past year? I've made some hard choices, burned several bridges and mended a few others, grown apart from some old friends and made some new ones. It was a hard year, and I've spent alot of it ill (in mind and body). I started the long hard road of healing from an abusive (emotionally, physically, and sexually) childhood. And now 2004 has ended, a new year begun.

I'm not going to make any resolutions for this new year. I never manage to keep such things anyway. Most of the things in my life are not fixed by simple resolutions, but by long term planning. Something I never really prepared for since I never really thought I would make it to the ripe age of 25. So for this year, I'm just going to continue the work of last year. I am working on who I am, who I wish to be, and where the heck I want to go in life. I'm finally starting to plan my future instead of just floating along with whatever life threw my way. I doubt it will be any easier than last year, and I know I'll be back her pissing and moaning about how difficult it is.

I'm sure I'll be thinking about days gone past (therapy is good for that), and old aquaintances. I'm sure that it's not an uncommon prediciment. So "we'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet/for auld lang syne."
Comments: (2)

nutsygirl - January 03rd, 2005 Phoenixgrl, I completely understand. The past year was quiet something wasn't... I also went through a major nervous breakdown, which isn't strange since I've had 3 in the past 3 years, I always seem to recover for a short time, and always end up doing it all over again. It's a hard thing to overcome, definitely alot of work. Takes much effort, and patience.. Looks like I'm heading for my 4th one now... Never fails, when I think I have my life put back together, I always freak out.. Insane! Depression, anxiety, and post tramatic stress disorder is just a few of the things I suffer from, and seems like they never get any better..

phoenixgrl - January 03rd, 2005 I know what you mean. Just when you think you've got you're feet under you, you get knocked down again. ::chuckles:: Help! I'm trapped in a Chumbawamba song! I have found that my sardonic sense of humor has helped, as has having supportive friends. There are days where it does truly seem like it's getting better. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time the past few years. You have my complete sympathy. I wish you the best of luck. And hey, if you need someone to bitch with, I'm here.

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