Long Dark Night of the Soul
Date: December 30, 2004, 3:55 am CST - Subscribe
Mood: zonked
Music of the Moment: Everybody Knows by Leonard Kohen
The long dark night of the soul is that time when you tango with your inner demons, waltz with your fears, and eventually accept those shadowy bits of yourself. But you know what people forget to tell you when they talk about their long dark night of the soul? That it's not just *one* night, it is many long nightmarish nights, and many equally long horrid days. That just when you think you've got a handle on your life, when you think you might be starting to deal with those skeletons you've unearthed from your closet, the demon hiding under your bed pops up.
Of course that's all a lovely metaphor for ugly thoughts and ghoulish memories that no sane person wants to retain, those memories that where pushed into the deepest corners of our minds. But eventually you have to deal with them. So here I am, having my long dark night of the soul. And it has been a long one, with no end in sight. Yet I know (or at least hope) that one day this feeling of wanting to just curl up in a quivery mass and bawl will go away. I hope that one of these days I won't feel so lost, so confused. That one of these days I'll stop hoping that maybe today I won't wake up, because then the pain would all be gone. (Don't worry I'm in therapy and have a strong support group of friends. I have no intention of killing myselfâ€"that does not however stop the thoughts from being there, but that's another entry all together).
I've always suffered from depression and anxiety, but only recently have I been able to start working on *why* I suffer from depression and anxiety (and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, though I didn't have a name for my little "quirks" til recently too). About a year and a half ago I moved across the country from my crazed relatives. I found myself in a safe and loving environment, and I was slowly (very slowly) starting to look at my childhood with clearer vision. Then a year ago a cousin, who was also a dear childhood friend of mine, died in a motor vehicle accident. It was a nightmarish way to spend Christmas, and was only made worse by an (only slightly) unexpected episode of dysfunctional family theater. I've been trying to find my feet since then.
It is said that that which does not kill us makes us stronger. It is also said that these long dark nights of the soul are a time of spiritual growth. Well I'm not dead yet (I'm getting better!), and I'm starting to realize just how strong I really am. But goddess bless I could use a break from all this spiritual growth.
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