Homebound =|
Date: May 9th, 2008 4:16:09 am - Subscribe
Mood: fuzzy
So life as I know it has altered in many ways. In some ways I am happy some I wish otherwise, but today was a bitter sweet day.
But in order to get the sotry i have to start from the beginning.
Im more chrisitian now, i go to church & youth group, i like to say im saved. I believe in christ and that he died on the cross for our sins and confessed with my mouth, heart, and soul, he is my savior. sooo with that said, My friend NJ started taking me to groups with her and church. Im so thankful because she is an amazing friend. met this boy chinky and well at first though nothing of him but than saw okay he is cute. NJ asked "isnt it noticable how i have a crush on him?" which is girl code for " mine, so back off" lol so i didnt pursue in the thought anymore. until one group evening he asked for my number, the following he texted and called me. now i didnt tell her but i cant lie to her she is a friend and she likes him but if me and him were to like each other i dont think she would like it very so. but what about me always worried about others dont i get a happy ending too? so anywho, we are just friends. chinky and me talk alot more on the phone & he has been there for some of the intense moments in my life right now. Helps me through alot just keeping me glad when I am sad, we talked on the phone just moments ago. about the past and just a little about feelings but not directly linking towards each other.
We sort of established a few days ago we sort of have a wee bit of a crush on each other, but it is nothnig serious. but NJ would be furious if i told her, seeing as she has the major crush on him. I don't think she likes us talking and being friends, but I dont think it is fair as to how she knew before he met me he asked her about me and she basically gave him the "oh her, she's just someone i know" answer. and when I first met him i felt the same way yet she never told me anything about what he said, he told me. "ballies of him" lol Had we never spoke I would have never known. right? well wrong.
God has a plan for everyone, he got my number and called and we talk every once in a while now. I dont gas myself up thinking well maybe he likes maybe he wants to be with me, but when i think of giving up there is a bit of hope that keeps me holding on. Like he said something about scale from one to ten how much do i cross your mind. i said 5 he didnt answer. but at the end told me 6. I know its more because i felt more but didnt want to admit it. who would being the first one to say it and i didnt want to make myself seem desperate lol but he is cool. funny. its not easy trying not to fall for someone that is some much like you and your type that your going for. someone who is actually concerned and worries about you, i like it. the fact the chivary is dead, stings a bit but hey i cant work with it lol. maybe cause of the crush, maybe because he is a genuine peson, i dont know. but he does care, and i kone because he told me so.
I've convinced myself its nothing but a lil tad crush and weare just friends but if it would ever evolve into something big i think i would be a bit happy, maybe? lol although i cant help but to wonder, "what if?" he has a gorgeous smile caring considerate yet i feel bad, she introduced me to him so i cant help but feel guilty. On the flip side, they arent talking, they arent even involved in that way, he told me so and i dont think he would lie to me, would he? Idk. lol. well thats all.
and cuts like a knife?
he knows alot more than the others too. For some reason i feel extremely comfortable talking with him, he understands me and we are considerate torwards each other when talking no the phone trying to to cut each other short, and a 6? man that is better than a 2 lol. he is not bad looking but i dont want to like him, but in a way i do. does that make any sense? lol
i dont want to pursue in it, i want it to be the will of god. if it is so meant to be it will find its way. im learning to control myself, my thoughts and tongue. so well see.
but i just had to get this out of me because i think i am starting to like him i just hope the feelings are mutral.
funniest part of all, its nothing about sex or sex appeal. nothing reeally on looks. not in my mind at all. its his personality. i wouldnt mind being around him til wheneverwhatever lol. we have good chemistry, its when NJ is around, its almost like i have to watch out. they have a tighter bond and im like the hydrogen fussion to there bond & i dont want her to think its intentional.
its weird and difficult.
because its like they are spanish
his mother loves her
they are "so meant to get married"
but if that is the case why is he taking an interest in me? can you help me, explain to me please? men, or is is women so complicated. trying to be the tricksters we are. coniving. like eve convincing poor adam the thoughts in his head. like Dame Vin Winkle. tricky trickster! i just want what is pure and honest and truth. if it is meant to be than okay, if weare not suppose to than okay. i wont die. ill be fine. friends is okay with me lol anywho im sweating in my sweats in this hot house lol good night. &&
uuuuuuuuuuughhh my mother keeps bugging me to go to bed, let me breathe!! leave me be woman! no work or school i can stay up, its the weekend nigguuhh! lol
N i g h ttt!! <3
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