I was wrong.

Whispers float in these rooms on disabled air currents where your voice used to roam. They somehow find electricity in this stagnant atmosphere, separating their victim from reality like a film from hot milk.

I am dried glue, papery and unsubstantial.

I am tired. I am not worn, nor am I exhausted; it is some residual emotion that merely exists, deleting others as it pleases much like cancer. It grows and expands until eyesight is questionable, until every sense is questionable. I see black shadows in corners and niches that take the forms of, most often, cats or crows. Every sound becomes a song, every rattle an instrumental quiche that feeds my ears with nonsense and false noise. Words become vortexes. Silences become caverns. I am a grey being on a hazy plain, staring off into the distant horizon behind the glowing white screen of mechanical nothing.

I haven't felt anything in what seems like forever. For some reason, being in the company of people who truly appreciate one another brought these new insights to light. It is unexplainable how powerful friendship can be, even if it falters, even if one of a pair falls off of a mental cliff into a sanity-eating hole. And how, even if the other is not there, they can save this decrepit person who has mistakenly stepped off into another world without realizing. It awes me that the memory of something real and old can triumph over an imaginary realm that loses you in the present, that fools you with illusion until you are shocked back into yourself. I know I've not completely returned yet, I'm not wholly here. But I admit my mishaps.

I don't want to be like this. Not now. Visiting Roger's last night revealed this to me. It was the entanglement of laughter, it was the enchantment of the stories and the lush language exchanged by happy mouths. It was hidden smiles and something subtle that was understood there; acceptance or respect or a rare type of gratitude. I can not explain it. I can never explain things.

This is what I know, for now. It will have to suffice.

i've fallen off that cliff, i slipped away unnoticed, in fact you speak to me as if i am still by your side. but i am not there, no, not actually. i don't know if and when i will recover myself...