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Some time passed. But it doesn't count.
Date: Mar 23rd, 2009 1:04:56 am - Subscribe
Mood: quiet

I had last year off.
I did nothing with my time.
I took some drugs, I struggled to get up every morning, I worked full time as a kitchenslave.
I came out the other side, but only barely.
I nearly lost myself in the haze of sedation, I had to push myself away and my only motivation was that of wanting to know.
Sure, I had the family, I had the public pressure, I had the girlfriend (for the start and the end), but it all means nothing when you don't care about your mind.
You don't need a mind to communicate, you only need a brain.

Perhaps this is why I suddenly felt the urge to write. To say something I actually care about, to feel something that makes me want to write.
I'm still trying to become completely human again but perhaps I'm missing certain human qualities now. I don't need other people the way I did in high school.
I only socialise if I really want to, I lock myself away and read my university texts instead of going drinking or taking drugs.
And I don't fear failure in university, I know I won't but I don't need to study as much as I do, I just find my solace is that of knowledge.
Am I a bad person for this?
No one would think so, they simply think I am studious.
If anybody did worry about this, they'd ask me to have a drink.
I don't like drinking all that much, it's such a predictable and wasteful activity. This isn't to say it's not fun, I just wouldn't be the one to suggest it, unless I was feeling sociable.

I suppose I haven't been here for a while, I hope to be back soon. I hope I'll have something to say.

- N/A
Comments: (1)

Monday - A Note
Date: Sep 3rd, 2007 7:20:35 am - Subscribe
Mood: Cynical
Load on my mind: The Movie - The Doors

I can count the number of males i know of my age range who read.
Am i missing something?

More and more i wish i was a drone for the next cause, something mindless, something static.
Something that doesn't get recorded in a book. A statistic, or better yet a victim of a brutal mass slaughter, because the sick fact behind this is that everyone will remember the killer, only a friend or relative will remember you were a victim.
I feel like the aftermath, rubble, i laugh and play and rebel. This doesn't make me different. i may be young but to me this world is dead.
And maybe i am dumb. Because quite frankly, i can't see a way out of it. Honestly, i want kids one day, i really do, but i'd feel a gut wrenching guilt to bring them into this world.
Because at the end of the day, think about this.
What kind of world is this when we have to gain freedom and happiness?

In Aeternum,
Comments: (5)

Sunday - A brain for saturday evening
Date: Aug 19th, 2007 4:47:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: abstract

Last night.
Absolute chaos.
Hell breaks loose and I’m sitting talking to a city slicker, cowboys and tech. Freaks.
Nothing to do but to drink my death and walk to the river is all I presume.
Followed by a city slicker, a tech and someone who asks to many questions and says too much.
To drown away what I see in a blaze of feet, dirt, ditches and nicotine gum.
To the river. To the river.
It meets the sea, meets to see.
Sit on the rocks and talk of the days we call the present.
We are calling to the worlds for comfort, for acceptance and for grief.
Greed, corruption, words run behind the people.
A city, a builder, a techie.
My brain drips from the can we talk from and the water sounds like the sweetness it leaks into the night air.
Breath it in.
The water is cool.
Pure, real, escape.
Drown and never see the light.
You only need one centimetre of water to drown in.
Take the reins, your destiny is in the water,
No, the city, the builder, the tech.
They beckon to the heavens to run to the sky,
Run to the hills, run with no feet, no feat,
Fall to hell.

Back in hell, we see the seats we talked from,
But we are sitting in the dark in a childhood memory…
Words, so many words, so many expletives now,
What happened here, the message so clear?
But now where am I?

No, wait.
where are you going?
Back to the water to drown, dear
are you going?
Because this world is too dark,
I can’t be taken into the malevolence that is humans, dear
please don’t go I’ll take your limbs.
Please dearest honey I love you so dearly,
Keep me near but don’t deny me control.
Asleep now. Asleep. Asleep now. Asleep.

Running, to death, to vengeance, to knowing,
Three options, three paths thrown to the tip of my shoes.

To vengeance and knowing,
Where’s the knife I’m going to fix this
Ask questions and sly answers bring the knife to your throat,
How does it feel to be faced with death, we all want a little death
Dragged away by the drag queen, the alcohol evaporates,
Where lies this priority, in vengeance or in care?
In care, in care,
Priorities, fates idea.
Talk, calm, interact,
Honey, you are safe and there was no blood tonight,
Tomorrow the blood will have never been shed in the minds eye,
Tomorrow things will make sense, just breathe now.
Breathe, everything will be alright,
Breathe, bubbles, hope and dreams,
Forget this sick society.
Let’s get out of here

I’m fine, sober now, give me the keys, I can drive
Love me love me, love,
In the car drunk and staring,
Sober, intoxicated, the same.
Safe. This is safety, safe.
Babe, you’re going too fast

Strawberries, tears and warm beds,
The night,
Like shadows on night,
Only movement visible,
You did the right thing.

In aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Tuesday - Trials.
Date: Aug 7th, 2007 6:56:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: Profound
Load on my mind: "The Crystal Ship" - The Doors

My girl.
My child.
My love.
My muse.

Everything i never asked for and something i couldn't stand to be aware of in a distant light.
You kill and stoke the fire.
You make me write the words the mind thinks subconsciously.
Every word from a dream, every word meaning something to a memory, to a metaphor i haven't made yet.
Every metaphor is nothing until i find its context.
Mindless ramble or the philosophy of life, its a fine line.
Nothing more to write about tonight, i'm too busy with education.
But soon, the world will wondrous, be it a dark alley or a sunny blue day, i will find its beauty and if i don't, its pain.
The time is coming for music, all i have to find is the right minds now.
But for now, to wait, to study, to have a fallback plan if the world fails me, like i bitterly predict.

Comments: (0)

Sunday - I'm not in love with anyone else.
Date: Jul 15th, 2007 1:23:32 am - Subscribe
Mood: Burned Out
Load on my mind: "if it be your will" - Leonard Cohen

Help me.
I’m dead.
I’m feeling empty and nothing will fill me.
No amount of money, no amount of music.
I’m at a loss, and I’m turning to writing.
I’m in hell.

How do you get by?
I fucking hate that you can do this to me.
Do I leave and wait for you?
Or am I weak. Use time as my ally, wait for your return.
I can’t.
I keep falling for people, but I’m not in love with anyone.
Am I heart broken?
Am I stupid?
What is wrong with me?
Girls everywhere, all I need to do is ask, but of everyone that wants me I want none of them.
I can’t fall for anyone. It’s been months.
But nothing has changed, and it could have, I keep screaming and yelling about how much has changed, but my mind keeps going back to you.
“She’s got diamonds on the inside”
Why do I let you affect me?
Why do I let myself appear weak, I don’t want to know you.
You just want to get out and have fun, you said we would have been together had it not been for me, but someone had to screw up.

It wasn’t meant to be,
Then why am I so convinced it was?
Why am I convinced that I’ve changed fate?
I hate love,
Chemical reactions.
Be fooled,
But no one fools me.
Fool me,
Show me I can love again,
Because I sure as hell can’t feel it.

I hope not, I hope I can be repaired,
I won’t let myself live through this life if I can’t be repaired,
I won’t torture myself if I can’t be fixed.
I’d rather be dead then unable to feel.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Friday - Gretsch
Date: Jul 13th, 2007 8:57:27 am - Subscribe
Mood: Needy
Load on my mind: "Mezzanine" - Massive Attack

Some nights I still stay awake thinking about you.

I come to abrupt yet calming conclusions about your character and fall asleep.

The world around us is so small. And we made it smaller by being near each other.
We nearly asphyxiated each other and we nearly died.

Do you remember the time we called each other Romeo and Juliet?
And how I told you that you weren’t the first girl to call me that?
That was true, but it was the first time I was willing to die for someone.
In retrospect, I shudder.

Be fooled by love.
Love is temporary.
Be fooled by the temporary.

When we were so naïve that we thought we were older then anyone.
We believed in love so deeply. Believed it never ends and yet we were aware it would, so ignorant.

-I saw a girl pretending to be real today-

Why did I play along with the world we created?
That is no way for a god to act.
Leave it to its own demise.
You interact, therefore you are.

I feel I have nothing in common with the world.
I can’t relate to the grass, the trees, the rivers and the rain.
Maybe that’s why I like the cities.

Why is it easier to speak in metaphors?
Does it make me lazy?

There are so many people I’ve seen that I want to meet, so many people I haven’t seen.
So many people that think on my wave,
So many people to talk with,
So many people to love,
I need music.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Tuesday - Science.
Date: Jul 10th, 2007 5:51:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: Cynical
Load on my mind: Milk - Kings of Leon

And so much air.

Blah blah blah, breath, blah blah blah.
Work out your options.
Explain what you think.
Walk away happy.

Well what the fuck was it all worth?
Did anything mean anything?
Did every heavy breath,
Every hushed scream
Every moment of passion and heat,
Mean anything?
Was it all just glorified sex?
Once again the mind is used against its self to follow its instincts.
Breed breed breed.
Call it what you want,
Love, fucking, sex.
Its all a part of a primal instinct.

Its all a lie.

Love is just a chemical reaction.
Hate is no worse, no better.

My mind is weak.
Love reeks of pain.
Reeks of anger.
Reeks of jealous.
And it’s the one part of me that remains optimistic constantly.
Always remembering the happier times.
Primal instincts.

One purpose.
Everything else is just to confuse the monkeys.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (1)

Saturday - This is the only way
Date: Jul 7th, 2007 1:20:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: Strong
Load on my mind: "Alt.end" - The Cure

Cold or wise-ing up?
I can’t decide which of these I am. But I’m tying up loose ends. And I haven’t regretted a word I’ve said so far.
My ex-girlfriend is out of my life, it might be harsh, and the words I said it in. But I don’t need to justify my actions. She had it a long time coming and maybe she’ll realise she can’t be everyone’s friend, she’s not always the good guy, she hurts people, she’s no angel I’ve ever seen.
My ex-friend is out of my life. He fucked me over once, I forgave him, I grew, I thought he would to. But he didn’t. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
I’ll build my own fucking wall.
This is my life and I refuse to waste it on human garbage.
I want to create; the only way to start creation is to give it a catalyst.
I had to destroy to start a revolution of my own.
I saw no harm in cutting the strings of the past.
I regret nothing.
Maybe I’m evil, maybe I’m dark. But I trust myself now. There is no guilt, its hard to give up on something, but its all for the greater good that is me.

We all know humans only ever seek comfort, for themselves. It comes in different forms. Sometimes it looks like they care about the others, but sometimes that is the only way to win. Recruit people to your own cause. Maybe having a group behind you will bring you comfort, but babes, it will never keep you warm at night.

We’re all lost, we’re all scared.

If we weren’t we wouldn’t be searching.

Live on the edge, live in chaos. It’s the only way to find an answer.
Go cold. Emotions seem to get in the way.
Maybe they are the only form of enlightenment we’ll ever use, because they can make us comfortable. Are emotions a part of our soul?
Or are they a disease in every humans mind to sway our souls?
Because our soul is all that is pure. The rest of the human, the charted parts are only to keep us from being gods.

Burning bright.
In Aeternum,

Comments: (1)

Friday - Reasons to be scared.
Date: Jul 6th, 2007 4:52:38 am - Subscribe
Mood: Used
Load on my mind: "Stain" - Nirvana

Fuck you.
Fuck you all.
I fucking hate you all.
I hope you all fucking die.
I hope the world you live in rapes you.
I hope you die painfully.
I can’t fucking stand you.
You don’t deserve life.
Or maybe you do.
Fuck you.

I had good reason to be scared of my friends.
But I didn’t run.

“Well he never bleeds and he never fucks
And he never leaves 'cause he's got bad luck.
Well he never reads and he never draws.
And he never sleeps 'cause he's got bad luck, yeah

I'm a stain, I'm a stain, I'm a stain, I'm a stain

Well he never bleeds and he never fucks
And he never leaves 'cause he's got bad luck.
Well he never reads and he never draws.
And he never sleeps 'cause he's got bad luck, yeah

I'm a stain, I'm a stain, I'm a stain, I'm a stain

I'm a stain, I'm a stain, I'm a stain, I'm a stain

Well he never bleeds and he never fucks
And he never leaves 'cause he's got bad luck.
Well he never reads and he never draws.
And he never sleeps 'cause he's got bad luck, yeah

I’m a stain”

-Nirvana (stain)

He never leaves, ‘cause he’s got bad luck.

Can’t stand this world.
I learn to love. I learn to live.
I stare at the sea of life.
I see a crab at my feet.
Shrug it away and it bites me the moment I smile.
Game over.

All I ever wanted was some fun, something to fill in time til I died.
Then it got too real. 9 lives left and I can’t beat a level.
I try and the lives countdown, but I’m just getting aggravated, I’m just feeling more and more worthless.
Game over, friends. I wish it would end. I want it to end.
I want a blackout, and start again.
“Hold your breath, count to 10, fall apart then start again” –Placebo
I need that buzz as the power comes back to full.
Because all I want is to rip the power cord from the back of the console and hang myself with it.

This world is too cruel.
When I make myself into everything I want and stand at the top of a ladder somebody inevitably knocks me to the ground and laughs and then expects me to apologise to them.
I get happy. Someone makes me sad.
But someone does make me happy.
I have fun with people I hate.
Sis once said there is a difference between dark and bad and evil.
And I was dark.
I’ve always been dark.
But I want to be evil.
I’d rather have a reason to apologise.
I want to be stubborn.
I want to burn souls.
I want to kill love.
I want to breath smoke.
I want to be your vampire.
I want to suck the life out of purity.
And spit it in the gravel where it rots and they die.

No one deserves life.
Or maybe they do.
Maybe my only freedom will be in death.
I’d rather be burning in hell to repent my sins then burning on Earth for other peoples faults.
I hate you all.
“I hate myself and I want to die” -Nirvana

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Thursday - I'm Scared Of My Friends.
Date: Jun 28th, 2007 5:10:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: N/A
Load on my mind: N/A


I feel so. Imperfect.
So redundant.

I’m sick of being in love with the past.
And the worst thing is, it’s a temperamental feelings.
It sneaks up and claws at me.

Absence from reality.
School is no reality.
But it’s my only real reality at the moment.
It’s so hard to escape.
Not long now and life begins.
And a long time coming.
I feel like an adult, a young adult.
The only reason these things get to me is because I’m submitted to them day after day.
And it really is a big ask for me to forget it all, when it sits in front of me every day.

Just a short post.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (0)

Tuesday - Happy Day. Happy People.
Date: Jun 26th, 2007 6:29:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: Weight lifted from my shoulders
Load on my mind: Let's Go To Bed - The Cure

It’s amazing when you find someone.
Someone who has so much in common with you that you just want to hug them.
Someone who has a part of your past, someone you can advise when they need it.
And they thank you for it.
And it makes it seem all worth it, to go through that pain, to benefit another.

What’s even better is when you think you might fall in love and you think they might feel the same way.
Not to give your hopes up. But there’s that chance and its bubbly and fluffy.
And you don’t really care wether or not it happens. It doesn’t matter.

I found someone like that, someone I talked to a little when I was 14-15.
Only a few years later, but it feels like a lifetime.
You see the good part of your past loves all combined with more.
It’s nice. The only problem is the distance, only a few hours. But it’s so far at this age.

I’m sorry to rant and rave. But, I found the nicest girl in a long time.
She sends me messages, msn, hotmail, phone.
To tell me that she’s thinking about me, and then we laugh and converse.
With only one problem, she’s in a dying relationship.
Dying the same death as my last.
But why can’t I still like her, there is no reason really. I only know her, not him, he makes her unhappy.
But it’s a man law, don’t hit on taken girls.
So I don’t, but I love her all the same, she makes me happy.

I’m so excited, relationship or friendship. It’s still brilliant.
A good change, remove ones self from a small town of dirt and look at the gold I’ve found outside.
Ah… Its good.


That’s all I have to say really.
Thought I’d write it down, scribble it.
Because its word worthy.

School life has been uneventful, the social side that is.
Thank god. For I don’t believe I could go back to it.
I don’t hate everyone, I just dislike what the majority of them stand for.
I dislike the awkward conversations, I dislike the inept disputes.
I’m just tired of it. I go to school to learn now.
The Cure will be the last band I go through a phase of in high school. It’s a good feeling.
I mean think about it.
I went into school, Year 7, Van Halen and eminem.
Year 8, Dashboard confessional, Bloodhound gang and Gorillaz.
Year 9 Linkin Park, NIN, Slipknot and SOAD.
Year 10 NIN, Tool, The Used, White Stripes, Modest Mouse, Cradle of filth, Marilyn Manson, Hendrix, R.E.M. & Lior
Year 11 NIN, Tool, Jeff Buckley, Modest Mouse, Clint Mansell, A Perfect Circle, Leonard Cohen, The Mars Volta, Mr. Bungle & Radiohead
Year 12 Ben Harper, Gnarls Barkley, Jeff Buckley, NIN, TOOL, Sia, Bloc Party, Smashing Pumpkins, The Cure

That’s a very short list. But… I can probably pin point when things started going wrong for me, but, things are slowly heading to the positive again. The Cure will be my band for this last term of survival.
Then a year off.
I’m excited.
Very excited.

He. Is dead to me. She, scares me.
But it doesn’t bother me as much as before. Hey I can get rid of the people I don’t want soon.
I’m pumped for life. Pumped for people. Pumped for love. Pumped for happiness.
All I’ve got to do is stand on the starting block and wait for the gun to go off.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (0)

Monday - My Lady Of The Flowers
Date: Jun 25th, 2007 4:37:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: Bleeding
Load on my mind: "Lovecats" - The Cure

“The two of us
Together again
But it's just the same
A stupid game

But I don't care if you don't
And I don't feel if you don't
And I don't want it if you don't
And I won't say it
If you won't say it first

You think you're tired now
But wait until three
Laughing at the Christmas lights
You remember from December
All of this then back again
Another girl
Another name
Stay alive but stay the same
It's just the same
A stupid game ”

The Cure, are awesome.
Omg. Yep.

So. The world is spinning too fast again. I’ve been rolling with punches, there comes a point where the pain just disappears, numb.
There’s a point where the world makes me cold.
Negative 36 degrees.
I really don’t mind if these people will call me an asshole. Because, they have double standards, on one hand, they want only the most perfect of people to be their friends, on the other, they are fine with who they are. At times they are the opposite of their hands, they are never what they want.
Baby, you don’t know the half of it.
Contradicting, my points aren’t heard as loud as I scream.
Ignore any criticism, babe, it’ll serve you no good purpose to make excuses.
You’re a kid, playing grown ups.
It’s a sick little game where people like me get twisted then spat out. Confused, spinning, always spinning, no focus, til we give up or see the world around us, see the real people.
I don’t know why I’m so sympathetic towards you. Maybe its because I can see all your flaws that I can’t name and that you can’t see.
I wish you luck, because god knows babe, if you keep this up, you’ll need it.
I’m out.

Me. I’m fine. I mean. Tired as a sloth, and about as speedy as one.
Slurred speech, the smell of Listerine.
Need some sleep. This week is starting to make me wary of the world.
Its ok. Meet some new people, read some good books, listen to the cure.
It’ll be ok.
Just keep up the brave face, it’ll be real one day.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (0)

Sunday - Just Another Day In Lonesome
Date: Jun 23rd, 2007 8:19:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Melancholy
Load on my mind: "Friday, I'm In Love" - The Cure

The Cure.
Yes, The Cure.
Great band, Lovecats, Boys don’t cry… OMG yep.

Thought I’d start on a nice little note.

Anyway. What has been going on, come on, think. What has been going on.

Life is getting, there.
Getting my shit in order for school.
Trying to void any feelings.
Cutting off conversations if I get too attached.
Unhealthy little thing, I am.
Can’t keep cutting communications with people. Trying to run to new people, but you thought I’d do that…
I remember you told me that I always try to hold my head high, even when I’m the bad guy, and that there’s only so many people in the world, then I’ll be alone, if I don’t change. Well… thanks for that, I was already lonely, hang on, I’ve got some salt here, OUCH yeah salt in the wound…
Woo, not only am I lonely and recently single against my will, I’m also a terrible person. You confuse me and I take every word you say like a gods. I don’t know why, you broke my heart, I should hate you. I should take it back, but I can’t. And I can see that you are going to step on it again. Separate the blood from organ, leave an arty little mark on your bedroom floor.

I want to cut communications, need to get out, just for a walk. Somewhere new. A new love. I need a new love, I’m a lover, I know that now. I’m as manned up as ever.
I’m pretty happy, but I have a hole in me, not looking for anyone, just wandering. No one comes for me… maybe its not my time. I don’t want to look because I’m scared there just isn’t anyone there.

This is just a melancholy thing.
No one is happy.
Name one person at peace with everything.
See… That’s why I’m not an optimist.
As hard as I try, the facts just point to the negative.
Probably have the map upside down.

Let your love act as fire and free fall.
A ball of flame,
Make love.
Satisfy yourself and more.
Because some of us can’t.
You’ve got the gift.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (0)

Thursday - Feathered Up.
Date: Jun 14th, 2007 7:06:03 am - Subscribe
Mood: Self-Masturbatory
Load on my mind: To Sheila - The Smashing Pumpkins

A post to remind myself I was ok today.
Today was better then the last.
My mind has been murky. The last 6 years, there is no other word for how I’ve been thinking.

Muzzle - Smashing Pumpkins
Reminds me of the future, the sound of it. Not the lyrics or anything.

I think I know why I disappoint myself a lot.
1. I misinterpret people. Perhaps I am paranoid, but I get hurt before I get proof
2. I’m not doing what I really need to do. I think I know what it is I need to do.

I’ve noticed just every now and then I constantly need to learn and grow. It must be constant or I get unhappy. I need to know.
Not maths equations, essay formats or scales and keys.
I need to know things my mind wants to know. Philosophy is a big part.
The problem I have with this is I get so absorbed in great sayings and theories that they become a part of me, that’s what I want. But I see I find new phrasings that mean more to me. And if I say them they come out blunt or speech-like. And I get told I should say something true to me. But when I say these things, they are, everything I say that sounds like I read it out of a book is from my own mind. Yeah, I quote my favourite, philosophers, comedians and musicians, but I never take their credit or even try to, I respect them all too much for this.
Perhaps I’m the collective of every book I’ve read, every song that’s meant something to me.
But that’s just it isn’t it, we’re all just the collective of our own experiences, so therefore I’m no different to anyone else, maybe everything I’ve thought has been thought before, but the combination of things I experience are original, so the combinations are endless and therefore all people are original.
This on top of things I’ve learnt, such as the idea of personal experiences all having been done before are made original and ‘our own’ by the way we cope and deal with these situations or ‘experiences’.
And then to top it off, the way a human looks and the way it is built (DNA, genetics and so forth) also adds to this individuality.
Therefore, every human is an individual, however slight the difference is.

Whoops. Rambled.

Anyway. I don’t know why I’m driven to learn, I don’t expect it to lead me anywhere, maybe so I can apply to be God, be all knowing. I’m not sure. But I find comfort in wisdom. So there it is.

On a final note. I’m still having trouble with love, is it a good or a bad thing, it gets so confusing. Could it be that once again it all comes down to love being like a drug, a chemical release. Its been proven I suppose. But what if there is more then science out there.
I’m still hoping love is a good thing, because even if it is just a drug, I’m addicted.
To quote the Reznor
“I’m still confusing love with need” – Metal (NIN)
It’ll come back,
Does I love you, mean, I need you.
Deep down, is that what I love you means.
Is this once again proof for my own little theory.
- All humans only seek one thing. Comfort.-
I’m yet to be proven wrong.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (0)

Monday - Heck. My leading lady.
Date: Jun 11th, 2007 7:09:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: Self-betrayal
Load on my mind: "Gave up" - NIN

Stupid Fucking Idiot.
Me, why do I let myself be roped into this?
So many unanswered questions.
I want it, I don’t.
I have it, I throw it away.
I’ve failed in being myself, because I don’t know who I am anymore.
Cabin fever and adolescence.
And don’t forget the weed.
Because we all know that helps.
We all know how happy that makes us. And all the fun things that happen when you smoke it.
Hey just for luck we’ll throw in past problems, recoat them in the SAME paint and give them back to you.
Oh, You can see the cracked paint underneath; no one sanded that fucker back.
But hey, that didn’t stop me, I still took it all back didn’t I. Oh, this is something brand new right!?
Wow. Everything goes swimmingly, then I get put in this situation.
Friendships, sex, relationships, enemies.
Everything will intertwine.
And what will the consequences be?
Everywhere there is sex.
Relationships, friendships. What is the most important thing to me.
I don’t need a comment or opinion on what is in important.
I’m sure it’s friendships, but I’ve been wrong so often lately, I don’t even trust myself.
I should have known better.
I should have left everything in the air, because now I’m catching diseases.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (0)

Saturday - The 4-Day Weekend.
Date: Jun 9th, 2007 7:46:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: relaxed
Load on my mind: 'Lover, you should've come over' - Jeff Buckley

Newcastle is in ruins, Dungog went under water.
I just laughed.
The deaths are tragic.
But the rest, the panic in the faces on the news, just makes me giggle a sick little laugh.
The only song that means anything with that situation is 'Aenima' by Tool, so true.
Who will pop their head up?
Is this all some kind of catharsis?
In my little universe that i wished i believed, i made it rain, i caused this havoc. And i'm chuffed with myself. Pats on the back all round.

Anyway enough about natural disasters.
This weekend i made an executive decision to stay at home and deal with my own shit.
I don't want to run this time. Everyone needs a break, but they've got to do something before they deserve it.
So thats what i'm doing.
Being the sick little martyr with the past, but taking it in my stride, because i know i'm right, but i can't be bothered arguing the truth, the people involved are all too stubborn and all too caught up in keeping up their self-image to take a bullet they deserve.
It'll get them eventually.

I'm quite happy tonight. I've been quite happy the last couple of days, things are looking up... I've done a large amount of nothing, but it was a blank i need in my life.
I miss sis, i miss people, i miss butterflies, i miss good tv.
I miss school and i miss pointless awkward feelings like i miss glandular fever.
Its getting late.
I should go to bed at some point.
But i thought i should drop in to tell you all i'm still breathing.
The air is crisp.

In Aeternum,
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Sunday - Wings have got to hurt when they split your back open.
Date: Jun 3rd, 2007 5:20:30 am - Subscribe
Mood: Martyr-Slut for blame.
Load on my mind: "The Big Come Down" - NIN

Have I sunk this low.
Or is this a new high?

Now I’m the martyr.
I think its because its easier to just give in.
Yes I’m the reason you and your friend don’t get on.
Yes I’m the reason our friends are divided.
I’m all that is evil in our world.
Fill me with things I’m not sure I’ve done.
Give me the blame.
Because I don’t even know what I’ve done,
Maybe I am just havoc, and chaos,
Maybe in your lives that’s all I am,
I’ve grown accustomed to your blame,
I’m used to taking all the problems in,
I used to fight back,
I used to wear a bullet-proof vest and point the gun back at you,
But I’ll take the bullet because it doesn’t hurt that much anymore.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (2)

Sunday - Cries for attention.
Date: Jun 2nd, 2007 8:52:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Burnt Out
Load on my mind: "Wish" - NIN, "Gave Up" - NIN

I am dangerous to be around.
And I’m stuck with myself 24/7.

Everything I’ve ever wanted I’ve had and destroyed.
And every time I’ve destroyed it, I’ve felt like it was justified.
Look back on every big mistake I’ve made.

Not enjoying sport, but enjoying computers, I was a happy kid, then I walked into the storeroom to get a disk to put games on and there it was, the end of my childhood.
But no, instead of realising what it was I kept looking, every disk in that packet, already full knowing it was going to be more of this thing. Which would be my demise within a matter of years. Dragged through all the legal shit, I was made to answer questions ‘yes that was the naughty man’, ‘yes officer, traumatise me some more’, ‘He put his penis…’, ‘yes officer, making me remember this is doing wonders for my well-being’. I played with clay the whole time, so much that it stuck to my hands and wouldn’t come off. I walked out feeling perverted, old and sick. But I smiled the whole time. I got fatter.

A year into high school and I was fat, I was unpopular, I was rejected constantly, I just sat in class and when I got home I ate popcorn and played with computers. This was all fine as far as my mind thought back then, but in retrospect, I was sad, I just never knew how to show it, so I tried to be my favourite stereotypes, the emo, the goth, the whatever else are sad. I couldn’t even do that. I was a failure.
I got a girlfriend the next year. She opened a whole new world to me, I started losing weight, became more feminine. She broke up with me, I bawled for the whole world to see. I started cutting myself.
I had friends but none wanted anything to do with me. I was sad, I was depressed. School was a burden and I couldn’t help but want to throw up constantly. My parents still thought I was ok. Sweetest little angel I was. I found happiness in cutting, I found happiness in masturbation, I found solace in self-pity.

A year passed again and I got another girlfriend in year 10 by this point. She was awful, but I needed someone. We never really clicked, but we fucked. Around this time I was drinking a lot and smoking weed when I could get my hands on it. I thought I was happy, but I was oppressed by my girlfriend and trying to rebel against her. I broke it off, I was the bad guy and I had bad fantasies. I broke up with her, because I didn’t like her anymore and I had a crush on who is now one of my best friends. Bad reasons. I’m a prick. I know it.
In this time I started dwelling on everything. I cut all my hair off then grew it back and straightened it. I made friends with the guy who liked the girl. Then they got together and I was nothing to anyone.
Someone at this point still cared, someone I didn’t realise. And she was Rae. She was everything I wanted and everything I thought was unattainable. To her I imagine I was just a guy she liked, to me she was God. And then I got cocky and pig-headed. After all a guy who thinks he’s a king can do that.
This girl came out drinking. Her friends were brilliant, and some of the best moments of my life were in the first 6 months. Then the problems started seeping through. I started smoking around here.
I never wanted to hurt her. I never hit her and I did all I was capable of doing to keep it strong. But, she broke up with me. And I was back in that office with the policeman telling me to talk about crude and evil things that made me uncomfortable. So I slept with a best friends ex, who he still liked.
And here. I can pretty much pinpoint when everything came crashing down to new depths. Ground zero.
I did everything within me to get Rae back. And it succeeded but not without casualties. I lost a friend or two. I lost my will to try and I was just submission.
But I had her. My dream. And I tried. So hard to do anything for her, never saying what bothered me about her. There were none, but there was always something about me. And once again. 6 months later, we broke up.
Now in year 12, stressed about the HSC, I’ve lost my dream, I’ve lost my will to try.
Because every time I try to set things right. I contradict myself I’m wrong and aggressive. I am a porcupine, people get close to me and they get hurt.
Now I am an asshole around people, because I just don’t care anymore. And it’s not even me; the person writing this is me. A sad little kid who saw too much too young and now he’s over his head, and he can’t cope. So he’s in auto and the person most people see isn’t him, it’s just a hologram.
I can’t understand how I’m only 17 and so unhappy. I know people have had it worse then me, much worse. I’m not ignorant, but I can’t help but feel this way.
I’m out of options.
In the words of Kurt Cobain “I hate myself and I want to die”

In Aeternum,

Comments: (0)

Saturday - 2nd post. Cravings setting in. All in good time.
Date: Jun 1st, 2007 8:37:35 pm - Subscribe
Mood: N/A
Load on my mind: Minor scale in the key of B

Where is it?
I can’t find it anywhere.
Where’s the strength I had to say ‘fuck you’ to the person I love.
Gone. For the moment.
I want it back now.
I need it now.

“Hold me. Wrap me up.”
- Sia

What have I become in this sick display of my arrogance.
Where am I?
What do I have left but a dirty crucible to sit inside of?
I need nothing but everything.

I’m not going well.
I’m not too happy, to say the least.
What did I get up to?
Oh not much, some cleaning.
Try anything to keep my mind off anything.

I kissed a girl, and this is how I am to be counter-attacked?
I’m breaking up, I’m in some kind of tunnelled distortion of white noise and static snow.
The most beautiful girl, the most unintentional devotion.
The emotions that crawl up my spine and pull my hair back so that I scream to a sky of you.

No. This is just like quitting caffeine, just like quitting smoking.
This is a craving, right?
It’ll be gone in a few seconds or minutes?

It’ll be ok.
Just keep telling yourself that.
It’s a craving; she’s no different to anyone else.

It’s got to be out there.
Something has to change.
Something has to happen soon.
Something, anything.
Something to make me love again.
To see the beauty.
Where is the fucking beauty?
If children can see it, the world can’t be all that ugly.
I need new beauty.
There is nothing in this shallow grave of a town.

“Shame on us,
For all that we are,
God have mercy on our dirty little hearts”

God I’m greedy.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (1)

Saturday - Careful Not To Die.
Date: Jun 1st, 2007 6:03:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unsatisfied
Load on my mind: Breathe Me (Mylo Remix) - Sia

Everything leads to this.
I’m becoming more aware of my instability.
Something so painful. To see the girl with so many smiles fade into tears.
To see her drift to the abstract. Is there a return?
Where can she find the peace she deserves?

“Why does my heart feel so bad?
Why does my soul feel so bad?

These open doors”

So I’m sitting here, thinking of the tears filled with mascara that ran down her face for the world to see. Thinking of all the men that have wronged her.
Knowing that I have been one.
Knowing there’s a possibility I can never make it up to her.
But I’m having trouble having my hands tied while I see another man do this again.
Don’t deny me my right to see what I can see.
Because I can see through it, you are innocent, which scares me and makes me feel worse.
She won’t see the truth. Not for now, I’m sure of that.
So today. I’m a new breed of the martyr-like race I’m in. I see others pain, but I can’t take it, just point it out. In doing so, I’m the bad guy and in that way I’m their martyr. Pre-emptive martyr.

“I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on his mind.”
- Bob Dylan

This is yours truly saying, I have my ring back, but I don’t want it. Eventually it will back on that finger, when it all calms down.
Together or apart, we’ll always have something.
I could never forget the tragedy that was us.

I pray to Eris that you find what you need before this swallows you.
Because I still love you.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (0)

Wednesday - "Read a book"
Date: May 30th, 2007 4:08:32 am - Subscribe
Mood: Blargh.

I've got a crush. Yes its true.
Shes pretty, she unbelievably pretty.
Shes an angel, shes got a beautiful personality.
Shes nice, headstrong, arty, short, younger, intelligent, slightly cynical but optimistic.
Shes great. my kind of girl.
And the greatest thing, i'm not doing much about it. I mean i talk to her when i get a chance. but, she talks to me, she gives me little smiles, and looks in the eye, feeds me chewing gum.
Man would i love to call her mine.
Man would i love to love her.
I guess i'll just see where it all goes, if it happens, it happens.

My group of friends is falling apart, its sad to see, so close to the end, i wish we could just be a happy family again.
Sides have been made.
Hate has been breathed.
Passive-aggression is so thick that i'm scared to move within certain places.

How the hell did me and her end up like this.
Leaders of two sides. Or something like that.
I've tried to talk to her.
To tell her she isn't who i fell in love with,
To tell her that i wanted to see that version again,
Because i don't want to remember her for who she is now.

Its sad but somehow so cathartic, seeing the one thing i've put all my energy into for the last 6 years just fall apart in a matter of weeks. no, no, days.

Not much else to say.
I'm gunna just walk around for a bit. really looking forward to some sleep.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Tuesday - Not A Pretty Sight.
Date: May 29th, 2007 5:52:35 am - Subscribe
Mood: wired
Load on my mind: Running.

So much racism in our school.
Since when was it acceptable to call someone a nigger.
Since when did people sit and watch someone get attacked like this.
Because no one fucking stands up.

Fuck That.
I can't and i'm not sitting by and watching it anymore.
I don't care if it means beatings, hate or anything to me.
Because at least i'm fucking doing something.
So fuck you, you ignorant pricks. This isn't right. Before i leave, i will make a difference.

Not just with racism, prejudice against women, bullying. All of it.
And i'm through caring about self image, being a passive guy. I don't care if it makes me a hypocrite to punch someone younger in the mouth for mouthing off to a girl. Yeah. Hes a big fucking hero.
I don't care anymore, these are basic human rights and if they can't get along, i'll wage war against the instigators.

Fuck all your gangster white boy images, fuck your clan hoods, fuck your wife beatings.
You're all my enemy and i will get justice for these people, And if i can only get that through violence then so be it.

I am free to do anything now. And i am very very pissed off.


On other news. Once again, i think my ex is being passive-aggressive, but, eh.
Plenty of girls out there, i've already found one that is nice enough, a bit younger, but nice. So, Yeah.
School is going well.
Only English stuff to work on now.
Thats my weekend stuff i'm thinking.
To be completely honest, i love being single. But its fun to browse.
Must be off, every day is important now. Now i have a new reason to wake up, to help the more oppressed people of my school. Because, most of these people rock and don't deserve this abuse.
Anyway, no more rants tounge.gif

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Sunday - Black
Date: May 27th, 2007 6:03:44 am - Subscribe
Mood: N/A

Comments: (2)

Saturday - I am Nick Caves Bleeding Heart on crack
Date: May 25th, 2007 8:13:17 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Hopeful
Load on my mind: No roads.

I will speak in generalities.
When a heart is broken. Pulled cell by cell, in every painful and graphic detail.
Thrown on the floor, stepped on and cooked up with a vinaigrette salad and served hot.
There really isn’t much else to do. There are two choices. Regenerate or live as an open wound.
I’m not letting this stand in the way of my life. There’s something out there for me, be it in love or wealth or construction or destruction. Something will happen for me.
I’m 17. I have to live as fast as I can.
There’s so much I have to do before I leave this world. What it all is, I’m still not sure, but there’s a lot.
I’ve got so much I have to do to feel complete that the time to experiences ratio is daunting, but I’m not fazed.
I am a unique snowflake.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (1)

Thursday - I am not overly concerned.
Date: May 17th, 2007 4:38:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: N/A
Load on my mind: At a roundabout.

"If its love she said, then were gonna have to think about the
She cant stop shaking and I can t stop touching her and..."
- Counting Crows

"It seems like I should say as long as this is love...
But its not all that easy so maybe I should just
Snap her up in a butterfly net-
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
Ive done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I dont get no sleep in a quiet room and..."
- Counting Crows

Why does love stay so close and tie in with my soul?
... Emo-shit. See also, Adolescence, see also Raging Hormones, see also Confusion.

Feels so right to keep this love, feels like i shouldn't have to throw this away.

What if?
We don't ever get to be together again.

What if?
This doesn't fade.

What if?
I'm left all alone with a lingering love that never goes away.

Why must we kick each others shins to show we care?
To show we want to be in each others arms.
Why must we court constantly?
Why can't we erase each other from this cyclic mess?

Think of other girls naked.
Think of that nice one you talk to, she might be young, but hey, shes not that much younger, shes nice, shes intelligent, shes cynical, shes artistic, shes pretty... she has that mix you say you want, Pura.

Why does Grove girl linger in your mind.
Fuck knows that its only been a week.
And you don't want to hurt her, you love her.
Why can't this love be continued?
You know the answer, because it doesn't work, it never works.
But what if...?
Try it again?
Why, no one would like it, and it might end up worse.
But every time you hug her and every time you feel her push against you, you remember that your heart won't give her up, you're stuck in her heart too.
And she doesn't even have to be near to feel this way.
You look next to you, when you lay in a bed she never slept in and remember her being there. And it doesn't make you cry, it helps you sleep.
You want to wake up next to her.
You want to let her sleep while you make her coffee, you want to be all hers.
Still in love.
See also, obsessed.
See also, lonely.
See also, confused.

This love. It ended with a bang and then an aftermath.
She wanted this, so its only normal you feel this way, Pura.
But, this happened last time...
You've never been so... in love.
You never thought there was a degree to which you could feel this to.

Even in a bubble, the bubble that is our hometown, who says you can't find the 'one' in such a small sample of the world.
You're only 17, Pura. Yes, only 17, but with more relationship experience then people twice you're age. then what....
Is this obsession?
see also, clinging
see also, dwelling
see also, manipulated
see also, confused
see also, right?

Or is it real?

I think i need to slow down and get away,
Even if for a few days.

We'll find out. one day.
Can't live, waiting for the future.
Can't move on though, not yet.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Monday - I Gotta Break The Cycle. (Farewell)
Date: May 14th, 2007 2:51:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: Scared.
Load on my mind: Throwing the monkey off my back

I gotta get out, i gotta get out.
I gotta get out, i gotta get out.

I can't do it. i can't do it.

Fuck this stupid emo shit!
This isn't me. This is the fucking ghost of me right now.
I'm not this, i am better then this, i'm better then her.
I'm better then these stupid games.
This 'oh i'm sad', with you saying 'i'm so happy and moving on'
i'm sick of it becoming vice versa.
You fuck with my head. Then you feel better.
Cut communication.
End Conversation.
Don't initiate.

You can't stop me from having my sis there for me.
You can't stop me from having friends.

Fuck knows you can't tell me who i can and can't be friends with.
I know you say 'But i know i can't stop you and i wouldn't want you to not have those friends'
Well i know you're full of it, trying to sound nice.
Please just be completely honest.
But don't expect me to cop it and not attack back.
I won't compromise my life, my friends and my experiences just to suit you.
I can't wait for you.
I won't let myself.
I gotta break this cycle.
Over, and over, and over again.

I have to hang up the phone, i have to stop typing back.
You'll learn i know you can and will.
Call it hard love.
But you have to learn, so do i.
I've got to take the lead, like i should have done at the start.

Thats why i've said.
No. You can keep apologising and expect me to take it in my stride.
End communication.
I need my time. I'll tell YOU when we can talk again.

Leave me alone.
Because all i'll do is snap at you.
Hate me. whatever, just learn.
Because i can't be a teacher, you have to be the student and the teacher.

Take care,
I love you.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Friday - One Day It Left.
Date: May 11th, 2007 7:42:59 am - Subscribe
Mood: grounded
Load on my mind: Smashing Windows With A Crowbar

And so. I'm left sitting in a castle that creaks and groans.
The walls aren't shaking but its not long until they do.
Once the rocks topple down towards me, what will i be.
I won't be a king in a thrown. I'll be a corpse covered in rocks in a dirty old chair.

I don't look forward to it. But its coming.
One day, be it right now. Be it one month, one year.
In the room i called home, in the most heavenly place i found on this Earth so far, someone else makes nest.

----I Stop Here----

"Its creepy, but here we are, the pilgrims, the crackpots of our time, trying to establish our own alternate reality. To build a world of rocks and chaos. What its going to be, I don't know.Even after all the rushing around, where we've ended up is the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. And maybe knowing isn't the point. Where were standing right now, in the ruins in the dark, what we build could be anything."
-Chuck Palahniuk (Choke)

I think this sums up where I stand.
Thank you, Sis

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Wednesday - Single.
Date: May 9th, 2007 7:22:17 am - Subscribe
Mood: N/A

And as the man began to sink, his lower half gone.
The shark swam away.
And bleeding, like an extrovert, the people on the shoreline stood up and cried.
He knew it was over. The worst part was done.
He stopped bleeding. pale, blue he looked around.
Holding his breath, he wondered why he still did.
Some kind of hope still in him. He prayed.
Bloodless, Half a man used his remaining strength to hold his hands together and prayed to his goddess.
The apple of discord had hit him hard in the head, he refused over and over.
Until he let go, his destiny would never unfold.
So he did.
And like a miracle, he awoke and watched his veins fill again. The blood pumped to the ends of his fingers and he was alive.
His legs kicked. He looked down and realised he was cold. he looked up to the sun and swam.
He resurfaced, new and unblemished.
flicking his hair he stared at the shore.
Empty, he felt the water swirl.
He felt himself get swept away, further and further from the shore.
To fight it would take him out into no where, with no one.
And he let go.
Floating towards the shore.
He saw everyone watching him, smiling, waving him back.
He swam to the sand and lay in the sun.
The warmth filled him, his legs regained feeling.
The shark, although a shark of the time, was no more then a dolphin, knocking him under the water to wake him.
He crawled next to the strangers, the same strangers he always knew. That he would never know.
But he was at peace.
His heart pumped his skin blue to red.
Shivering, he was alive, and he waits.
He waits for his body to feel the sun again.
To reach its aurea mediocritas.


So. Its over, and this time, its for good, not a week or a month, maybe a year or so.
Maybe for my life.
But its over.
And now i have myself to look after and no one else to worry about.
I can be oblivious to the world when i wish.
I can find myself.
I can keep my morals.
And thats what got me here.
I guess thats where i stand.
"only time will tell If we stand the test of time"
-Van Halen

I don't know.
But i'm sure i'll make it throuh.
Be like water.
Be like Victors mother. (Haven't finished reading yet)
Be like Eris.
Be like Me.
Look after myself...
I need to grow.
I need to grow on my own.
But which piece must i start on....

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Sunday - Anniversary. Happy...?
Date: May 6th, 2007 5:14:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: Evaporated
Load on my mind: N/A

After a conversation,
I don’t know how to react.

Maybe it’s the tiredness of the last few days.
Living in this little surreal drunken, hangover world.
From Thursday,
Happy and missing each other minute after minute.
To Sunday,
The past dwelling, whiny guilt trip.
Check the time again, And once again its that time.
Its that time, that never knew its numbers.

“It’s my time coming, I, I’m not afraid to die”
-Grace (Buckley)

I hate this time.

It’s the immunisations at school.
You stand in line and wait. You wait and watch as the kid in front of you lugs his scuffed black shoes towards the door to the nurse’s office.
Your feet grow heavier with each step, 5-second intervals between each new child.
Now stronger then the person behind them, at least for 5-seconds, sometimes 10 if the kid screams, give or take a few minutes if he faints.
I’m walking to the nurse’s office, fans. And when I walk into that room, I’m not scared of the needle, I’m not scared of the injection, I’m not looking forward to the relief I won’t have chicken pox. No, I’m just sick of standing in this line, I’m praying that I’ll faint… give me a few minutes of dreaming before I have to wake up to a white gowned large sweaty woman with the fan behind her head, clicking, clicking, clicking.
Give me my dreams before I get up on my wobbly white matchstick legs and stumble out the other door. My eyes are red and my skin tissue white, my lungs hurt and out of the warped door I hear footsteps in sync, the light from outside shines in my albino eyes. I shield them as I stagger through the distorted door.
My eyes adjust to the light. The injection is making me stronger, “This pain, this deformed creature I’ve been transformed into, I’m powerful.” I tell myself. Standing up straight, my back cracks, I wince and squint.
The person in front of me drags his feet. “This will make me strong” “This will make me immune” The voices ring from the kids in front of me.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Step.
This injection will make me immune.
Please, I hope this is the one I need.

Don’t even ask about the ‘story’ I haven’t slept in 48 hours and it’s all that my brain is capable of babbling out.
After a day out of the fire, I spend Sunday in the coals. I am the fire.
Can’t stand this guilt.
Can’t stand this pain.
Can’t stand feeling wrong.
Can’t stand this guilt.
Can’t stand this guilt.
Why am I taking this, you have rules for you, I have rules for me, you have rules for me. You always win…

Maybe you are toxic.
Maybe you are my poison.
Is this even love?

Am I in denial about this?
Am I just scared to be alone?
Fuck, I can’t type.

- Ben Folds Five

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Thursday - And Then, Just As I Got...
Date: May 3rd, 2007 2:43:00 am - Subscribe
Mood: waiting.
Load on my mind: laying on the road with a grey carpet to cover the body.

To the surface a shark pulled my bobbing head back under the calm water.

"And did you ever really find,
When you closed your eyes,
Any place that was still,
And at peace..."
- Zero Sum (NIN)

There is never the still and the peace.
It is one or the other.
When it's still, it's boring, leaving a man alone in a room with only himself, no one can save him from his mind.
When it is at peace, there is chaos, because only when we see and have access to True chaos can we ever be in sync with True peace.

"I want to be someone to believe."
- Mr. Jones (Counting Crows)

God i wish someone would hang on my every word.
I'm hungry, its selfish but i want power, no, i want control.
I want control over something in my life.
Everything relies on the decisions of someone else.

I want to leave this town in my dust, somewhere where only i know myself. Where no one will know the hurt i feel i've left imprinted in every friend i've ever hads life.
I want to escape.
Somewhere where i'm not guilty of anything.
Somewhere where i have some say in what i am, who i am in others eyes and who they are to me and in turn themselves.
Thats the way people work after all.
Do as you are told.

I want to be new again.
I want to start again.
I need to get away from here, remove my past.
But i never will.
Then what am i?

"Don't You Know... I haven't been well"
- Ruby Moon

I need something, i'm looking for it, i used to know what it was, but now i'm lost but i'm still running around frantically looking.

I am guilty.
I can't help but feel ashamed.
I'm alone.
But i'm not.
But I am alone.

And so he emerged one more time as the shark tore apart his lower body, unbeknown to the people at the shoreline.
His friends, his family and everyone he'd passed in his life, watched from the sand, seeing only a waving silhouette in the starry winters night. Waving back they watched him sink below, this time he didn't resurface.
His remains were never found.

In Aeternum,
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Monday - A Little Story For You All. Criticism Wanted!
Date: Apr 23rd, 2007 5:07:53 am - Subscribe
Mood: Fuzzy
Load on my mind: N/A

Clark sat out of sight, hiding from the light, in the shadows, avoiding the eyes of anyone that might hurt him. He watches the man in the long flailing grass as it wraps around his legs. The shivers of the man as his hands stretch to the sky remind Clark of the cold nights made warm by the neon lights.

The man’s harsh turns make the sun behind him glistening brightly, blinding Clark every few seconds. Clark’s hand moves slowly and quietly in front of his face, fingers leaving gaps for him to see through, staring intently at the dancer in the nearing twilight. Clark closes his eyes for a moment and he is taken back to the lamppost outside the bar where his wife disappeared. The burning red through his eyelids would forever remind him of this place.

It had only been two weeks after their Vegas wedding, married by a priest called Elvis at the Lucky Coins chapel, that Clark had seen the florescent lights before seeing his newly wed wife consummating her second marriage in so many weeks under a table in their favourite bar, Fragithol. Within the next 5 minutes, just as the sun now shone over the dancers fingers in the field, a bullet exploded from the barrel of a shotgun. And then another, for crowd control of course. Hearing this, Clark ran, never knowing why his wife would hurt him like this or who this stranger and newfound enemy were.

The dancer moves closer to Clark now, in front of the trees with the grace of angels as the sun mimics a mirror ball through the leaves behind him. Clark sinks lower into the grass, leaves crush under him and he stops breathing til he feels safe again. Scared of being revealed Clark rubs mud on his face hoping for a miracle camouflage. Staring out again at the dancer the mirror ball sun blinds him, in longer bursts then before, allowing him to see only the orange outline of nothingness. Looking down again Clark is taken back to his walk along the highway.

Once the noise had stopped from the shotgun shells and the screams loud enough to shatter glass, had the bullets not done this themselves, Clark ran. He ran from the bar, then Las Vegas, then Nevada, its amazing how little effort it takes to walk when you have no destination. A sound above Clark snaps his mind to the van that slowed down and picked him up as a friend would.

A crackling sound in Clarks left ear awakes him from his self-induced hypnosis. A voice screams for his attention. This had been an important call and once again Clark was responsible for a death. All Clark’s dreams of innocence are shattered again, his wife, her husband all dead. He’d never meant to pull the trigger, more then once, it was all to scare them, he swears on it. Walking on a major highway as a wanted criminal is never a good way to escape, not when every paranoid American and his buddy tourist point and take pictures of the man in the bloodstained clothes.

Five months in jail and Clark was shipped off to a war he didn’t know about, sent straight to the frontline. And now, exhausted, this dancer teases him. This soldier being pushed back by a hail of bullets, twitching in time to the rhythm, flailing lifelessly, spinning as he falls into his final move in his dance and in turn his life. Clark watches in envy as his comrade dances to death, mocking him.

In Aeternum,

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Sunday - Fragments Of A Dream
Date: Apr 21st, 2007 5:59:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: awake
Load on my mind: dodging bullets

This isn't interesting but it seemed funny that my dream answered my conscious question.

I can't remember much of it at all.

Just that i was Jack Black and Kyle Gass or someone close to me like that, told me
"Well obviously, You're part of the Discordian society"

I guess.
It means a fair bit when you realise the reason for your own mental instability can be used to further yourself spiritually.

I'm a Discordian, a believer in chaos and that is how my life runs, constant chaos, yeah it gets hard to deal with, but without it i'm better off dead.

I don't know. That was just the dream i woke up from about 10 minutes ago.

In Aeternum,
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Friday - Garden State - Let It Go
Date: Apr 20th, 2007 7:45:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: Disheartened
Load on my mind: Walk the walk. I'll lean on the sign.

Let Go Let Go.
Let Go Let Go.

The one thing, that holds me down and breathes death in my face.
The one thing that makes me go white.
The one thing that makes my eyes water.
The one thing that makes me relapse.
More then any other.

Is watching a movie (In 'Garden State' tonight), With a guy who isn't happy, for some reason or another, who meets a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul and he makes her cry, then at the end in an airport terminal or the like they realise it was all meant to be, they were meant to be together and they were meant to be together to help each other. Then through every tear they kiss and a really appropriate song plays and the credits appear.
Maybe because i empathise with it... I don't know.

I see that girl as my girlfriend.
And in my best dreams the guy is me.
But something else sits and cries and says "You know that guy isn't you, right?"

I've never had this with another girl.

And i'm scared.
Because i know i want that one day.
But so much is going to happen, i know that.
I know i want it to be her.
But something says "It won't be, the chances are slim to none."
But i say "What if?"
And this scares me because i also say "What if i spend my life saying 'what if?' and it doesn't happen?"

I don't know.
I'm scared, i know i'll compare every girl from now on to this one.
And i know i'll have to be with different girls, Because i know thats how it works.

How do you perfect perfection?

How do you cope, knowing you have exactly what you want. You have perfection but you know its on a time limit, a time limit that will run out when you aren't looking?

Perfection on a time limit. Then where does it go, where do i go when that perfection is gone?

Do i look for a substitute, a methadone for my heroin?

Do i dwell and try to bring it back?

Or do i give up and become one of those pathetic old people who talk about their teenage sweetheart but never had anything else, never had a wife. Because they never found anything else?

Maybe it will all be ok.
Thats just how i feel when i watch movies like 'Garden State'. As much as i love the movies. They make me anxious, concerned and scared.

I'm going to sleep now. I need to escape for a bit, relax. Wake up tomorrow and try to be excited for our gig. Put up the mask.
Bringing it out once in a while is ok.
Then again, i might wake up ok.
I hope so.

"Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be."

- The Beatles

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Tuesday - bad day.
Date: Apr 17th, 2007 1:58:16 am - Subscribe
Mood: Empty
Load on my mind: laying in the middle of the road.

Evaporated - Ben Folds Five

What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I've really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hungover and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thinking about my old man
Want to get into a car and go anywhere

Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done

Don't you know I'm numb, man?
I can't feel a thing at all
Now it's all smiles and business these days
I'm indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there's a soul somewhere
That's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated ... see?

Blind man on a canyon's edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite that's flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind

Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Monday - Ninja Circle Spork
Date: Apr 15th, 2007 9:47:55 pm - Subscribe
Mood: overloaded
Load on my mind: erghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I couldn't think of a title.
Just a little bit to remind you i'm alive.

Holidays should be longer, like a holiday for the holidays.
I am flatout.
I secretly always wanted to be popular, but didn't everyone.
Then once i got to my comfortable zone of popularity i wanted out.
I want out.
I love my friends.
But why they want to hang around with me.
I don't know.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Friday...? - Anyway.
Date: Apr 12th, 2007 6:58:09 pm - Subscribe
Mood: deranged
Load on my mind: Acrobatic moves on the carpet

Once again.
We'd like to welcome you,
We'd like to compliment and ass-kiss you.
Welcome to the alco-holidays.

As some would say.
Holy Snit, I Feel So Blarg!

Actually, i'm itching to get out of the house again.
Itching for a journey,
Itching to have some money.
It's only 10am.
I think i'll go mow the lawn or something.
No, i won't, i'll try and find something else.
I need some money, and somewhere to run off to with it.
Buy something i don't need.

In Aeternum,
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Thursday - Forgetting the names of the days,
Date: Apr 12th, 2007 1:17:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: Egotistical
Load on my mind: Dizzy.

Staring bright eyed at the haze.

Today, yesterday,
my life, keeps slipping,
In and out of chaos,
Out and into harmony.

Maybe its the fun, maybe things are catching up with me.
Maybe its hormones and social life.
Maybe its being oversexed.
Maybe its my smooth, constantly stroked ego.
Maybe its this shell, this ego, that keeps me dizzy.
Who am I?
Who is this ego, the one i present out of the internet?
He is happy, he is content.
The thing is, when i write here, its something else in me.
Is this ego taking over, is it forcing me out?
Or this confidence, is it actually for real?

I don't know where to go, sometimes.
The stupid small things.
My happiness is like a harlequin shield,
Enormous plates, with gaps.
Everytime something bad happens, the smaller the more effective.
I curl up and hide, i conspire, i scheme, i make up contradictions and then i hate.
Then i want it to go.
Just leave me. Let me rot.
See, just melodramatic crap.

Sis. You, do not know how you have helped to the extent you have.
In such small pieces of writing, in so little words.
You make this go away.
and once again, i'll quote you.
Because, its important, this post has the answer to the question i've asked the whole way through.
"There comes a point when you are free from all that chains you except your own depression..."

Just to be replaced by another...

Is this 'ego' breaking the chains or just tightening their hold on me?

Because, honestly, I don't know.

In Aeternum,

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Tuesday - Year Zero, Year Zero-One-Two-Three
Date: Apr 9th, 2007 10:35:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Plateau'd
Load on my mind: Gah.

I have NIN's new album 'Year Zero'.
Short review.
For anyone that has listened to NIN.
This is...
A brilliant, dissonant album.
A twisted hybrid baby of The Downward Spiral and With Teeth. Within this though, fans can hear aspects of 'Broken' & 'Fixed'. (Listen to 'Survivalism', sound familiar?).
One of my favorites off this album is 'Capitol G', personally the verses remind me of a Marilyn Manson impersonator... But not. The chorus is very NIN, using the same tones and scales, riffs that NIN are renowned for.
I really can't be assed telling the whole story behind 'Year Zero' but basically, some significant events have taken place in the world and the outcome of it is told in this album, so, this is a theory to what America could become and in turn the world, 'Year Zero' = Hypothesis of America
I can't say enough good about this album.
Buy it, it's out on the 15th or 16th i think.

Enough about that now.

I went out to Raes last night, drank some gin... drank, a lot of gin.
Got reminded of the past then asked what should happen.
I was left thinking,
"How the hell do i react to that? I can't erase the past and if you don't completely believe the words i say then how else can i prove myself without just, not doing the wrong thing again, if that isn't good enough then, bye?"
Because that is what it comes down to, yeah, I've done some unforgivable things, but if you can't get past these then, don't ask me to fix it when you know i can't. Sorry, but its get past it or nothing.

It sounds cruel, I'm sorry, but there is no other way, you can't live in ignorance. It makes the rest of the wood burn that much brighter.

What else is new.
I have so much homework, but i want to relax this week.
Our band got another gig, just at the pub in my hometown.
My other band has a few pubs asking us to performing at the open mic nights.
And my OTHER band, which is only two people is working on just random stuff, kind of... If Panteras guitar and Nirvanas voice had a baby.
And me? Well i'm practicing my own stuff. busy little boy, I am.

So i guess, today, i have no new interesting life plot points. No milestones. No distress. No pain.

"I'm on a plain, But I can't complain" ^ Nirvana

In Aeternum,
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Monday - Burn. Let these leaden grudges turn to gold
Date: Apr 2nd, 2007 2:35:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: Crazed.
Load on my mind: Defining where 'it' is.

Today. in short.
Sucked, ass!
moldy ass.
in long.
I spent the better part of my day staring and hoping no one would be looking back when my brain focused on what i was looking at.
Rae was there and i felt bad.
Bad day, she tried to help but i think her day was made worse because of my mood.
That scares me : /.
Tomorrow will be better, i keep telling myself that.
Tomorrow will be grand.
I hope to god it is.
Because i can't take much more of this, these kind of days. When the best option is to be invisible, or to wish that no one ever knew you existed so you could die and no one would feel a thing.

That aside, I'm home now.
The best place i could imagine.
but I'm bored already : /.
I took down my past, from the internet that is.
stupid ass rumors starting up.
FUCK YOU tounge.gif.
Now i've got little to say.
Oh wait, some good news, got my drama thing done today, thank god!
And battle of the bands is on Thursday grin.gif.
Anyway i'm just going to leave this right here.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Sunday - Buttfuck my senses.
Date: Apr 1st, 2007 5:13:34 am - Subscribe
Mood: N/A
Load on my mind: Stretching, Passing Roadsigns

My post titles grow all the more vulgar.
Once again. For the first time in months, proud months, i've drowned in a bottle and become ash in a cone piece.
But, it was all for fun, not because it was a special occasion because everybody was up for it. 4 mates and my girl, a BBQ, a bong and alcohol.
I had a great night. I forgot all night and laughed my ass off.
Now i'm sitting at my desk, nursing myself til bedtime. Listening to my 3 disc album 'Classic chillout' - Ministry of sound. Brilliant.
I've been thinking.
What do i want to do with my life.
I want to be happy and get giddy when i think of what i'm going to become, as much as i'd like to become a teacher and as bad as my experiences with psychologists have been. When i think about being one i feel like i could help, i love the theories, the philosophy, the sociology, the ego-boosting medical names i could spew at the self-conscious...
ok not so much the last one.
A lot of thinking goes on in a stagnant world, no one wants it stirred, i'll leave it to demise.

"Breathe Me" ^ Sia

Its a remix. a brilliant remix.
I'm trying to make myself feel better.
I'm trying so hard to be the Shepard.
I often speak of my hate for ignorance.
my hate for depression and everything that revolves around it.
But tonight i add a new brand of human to this list.
Something has risen to sit with my 2 hated and become a butt surfing threesome.
Yeah i've said i hate them, but they are towards the higher end of the hierarchy.
All three of you will perish, you'll burn so bright you'll smoulder and leave this place, forever.

You were never faithful my good friend.
Before you had 'crushes' on everyone, before your true pathetic nature was made world renowned.
You never wanted us together and as soon as you saw an opportunity you took it with both hands, i must commend you on the way you set this all out.
Dirty rotten liar, unfaithful, deceitful...
Yes, i told you that your halo would burn. melt, fade, bleed fumes into your eyes.
Those aren't tears of love gone wrong, those are tears of a tantrum, those are the tears of a liar.
You fabricate elaborate events involving me and someone you 'love' (love! you hooked up at a party, hypocrite. You lie and swear you're truthful, hypocrite). You tell people you want to break two lovers apart (you! want to fuck around your best friend? you want to kill something that makes her happy to get your dick wet!? you want to break up lovers, EVEN THOUGH you swore that wasn't what you were trying to do? hypocrite). If i was a lawyer dearest enemy, you would be found guilty.
You are not what you think you are.
Your shit stinks and you know what?
You've held it in for so long and there is so much that its going to be all over the headlines when you can't hold it in any longer.
You're dead, you just don't know it yet.

Yes, i feel better.
Even in writing that i don't feel bad, worried.
hey, we've been through worse then what you are trying to put on us. You can't break us apart.
Why would i write all of this?
because i want to expose you. I don't ask for information anymore, i'm past you, but when someone tells me something, i won't forget it.
Yeah, it must be hate.

Wow, what a load. seriously, if i have nothing interesting to say, don't ask me to talk. it isn't friendly banter. I should stop posting shit like this. As much i agree with it and as much as i'd like EVERYONE to know this, they don't have to, because it'll all come around one day.


In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Friday - Most music. Is shit.
Date: Mar 30th, 2007 5:21:19 am - Subscribe
Mood: Drone
Load on my mind: Asleep...

My panpipes arrived yesterday.
Good fun.

Performed the other night. more fun.
My room is a mess and i want to die, good fun.
Not for some relationship, not because of anything but life its self.
What else is there?
Taste life, the same thing it was for everyone else. Fame is out, drugs are out, clothes are out, job are out, politics are out.
It's all been done and i can't help but think (On this melodramatic night) why bother?
There is sex, love, indulgence, fun.
Whatever... don't get me started on the bad things.
I want to be smashed. I want to be forgetful, I want to be selfish. I want to be abusive, I want to be awful. I want to be seen as how i feel right now.
I want everything, I want to fuck everyone in the world, I want to die trying.
I want a new keyboard that isn't sticky thanks to lem-sip i dropped on it weeks ago.
I want to want to want all the the things i want.
Let's start small though, won't we?
I want a cigarette.

I don't want to be stuck in the temporary relapse of something with a light getting closer.
I want someone to hold me like a man holds his woman.
I want to be nurtured.
I want to hold my woman.
I want to be possessive.
I want to be submissive.
I want to fuck.
I want to fuck all night.

I want to be vulgar.

I want to be as human as i can be.
I want to be the perfect citizen.
I want to be paid nothing and be a drone.
I want to be a statistic.
I want to go under the radar.

I want to be an extrovert in life outside of a computer.
I want everyone to feel my hate like a guillotine.
I want everyone to feel my love like a warm blanket, in the dark, on a cold winters night.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Tuesday - SNIT!
Date: Mar 27th, 2007 6:33:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: Busy!
Load on my mind: Running around all over the tar

I spent the later hours of my afternoon thinking about everything.
I had this whole idea about what I was going to write down and how awesome it was going to look and how proud I’d be after I wrote it.
Then I forgot it.
If I ramble and something extraordinary comes out, I’ll be proud, one day I’ll make collaboration of things I’ve written that I like.

Since the other day. Sunday was my last blog.
Yes, a bitch about an old friend.
A bitch about humans.

Humans. A lot of banter and ‘huffing & puffing’ goes on in this area.
“I hate humans!” – Every angsty teenager and a few others
“Humanity sucks, people are awful!” – Teenagers, ‘environmentalists’, Emo/punk bands
All of this and more.
Humans, as a group, we are our own antichrist; we stand against everything we stand for as a collective.
I’ve always had a soft spot for apocalypse.

Humans, as individuals are everything and nothing; we can be perfection, we can be imperfection, we can be any number of combinations of whatever we are.

The key is selecting.
The key is choice.
Be picky and you’ll love humanity.
If you spend your life, finding the ‘right’ crowd, enjoying the company of the ‘right’ people. Now ‘right’ is the word for the people that make you happy.

Ok, that was a few days ago.
This part is a little less philosophical.
I’m busy.
I’ve got a new band that have me learning songs around the clock.
I have a SHITLOAD of schoolwork and I’m actually motivated to do it.
I love it.
I’m busy.
My mind isn’t being crowded by the inevitably awkward situation between my girlfriend and her best friend/my enemy.
In fact, relationships have been the last thing on my list and I think Rae and I are both enjoying this ‘space’.
Our first ‘gig’ (If it can so be called) is tomorrow, just playing a few songs at the high school. So. I had a few songs to learn this afternoon I’m feeling a little more confident about them, just practise tomorrow before the ‘gig’.
Then we are apparently in the ‘Battle of the bands’.
All good fun.

Anyway, I’m off.
Stay classy.

In Aeternum,

Comments: (1)

Sunday - Motherfuck.
Date: Mar 17th, 2007 11:53:08 pm - Subscribe
Mood: perplexed
Load on my mind: Watching The World Move Under Lightspeeds Feet

I should be angry.
I should be upset.
I should be yelling.
I should be having a tantrum.

I'm just. eh.
That's it.
Yeah, maybe i deserve a little more respect.
Maybe i should beat the fuck out of someone.
But i don't want to.
Because i trust.
Karma will have its way.
For all your lying, all your deceit,
For all your faking.

You've painted yourself a halo my ex-friend.
Big yellow, calm, peaceful, safe and friendly.
But listen and listen carefully,
If you keep walking around in these big green bright and sunny fields singing angelic hymns.
You will burn out.
Your cardboard halo will become pale, the paint will peel and the night dew will melt your halo into a noose.
If you were the angel your costume represents, i'd tell you all this, but i know you aren't, you're ignorant, you are deceit incarnate, you are asking to burn out, you are asking to crash.
All i can do is watch you like a movie that i know the ending to.

"And, not to bring your halo down,
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud"
^A Perfect Circle

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Thursday - Call me a disappointment, I'll call you a hypocrite
Date: Mar 15th, 2007 4:00:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: Happy
Load on my mind: Moving With The Wind

Yeah, I feel a bit better after a few days full of pseudoephedrine.
Still sick, but you know, a little more with it.

Spent the afternoon with a group of friends and realised I hate recognition. I hate being told I’ve been a past crush. I hate being told who I am.

I also learnt I like being quiet. I like laying down and listening to other people talking around me. So that I can take it in and be left to my own thoughts, that way I don’t have to be anything.

I like being peaceful, collected, calm. I can see a more evolved me ripping out of my depression.
All in the most passive way you could imagine.
When this is all over, when all this negativity has finally been laid to rest, I’ll be me.

I have strong opinions, but I can listen.
And I’ll never hear the ignorant.

Inner peace is creeping back, and I want to fall back into the lake of serenity.
I want to float, I don’t want to paddle, thrash or swim anymore.
I want the waters of this purity to move me in the direction of my goals.

I know I’ll need a piece of driftwood, at least until this year is over, until I remove those who are lead to my body are unchained and sink.

This psycho-melodramatic world I’ve been living in is so blatant, stagnant, unnecessary and saddening. I can never get what I want in such a burnt out world.

“Generate what you need. Need only what you generate”

It might not be the meaning you meant. But, in short, to me, I’ll do whatever makes me happy. I enjoy it all, and what I enjoy, I’ll do.

Happiness is the lock. The key is… it’s peace, it’s apathy, and it’s wariness.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (0)

Wednesday - Call me a pessimist. But I just say i'm tired.
Date: Mar 14th, 2007 12:55:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: decaffeinated
Load on my mind: Spining in circles, Delirious

I accidently tipped lemsip on my keyboard so now the buttons on the left hand side don't click when i press them, and they are kind of sticky.

Still sick, feel like i'm going to explode. or throw up or die or something. things are getting blurry again.
Maybe its just because i'm grumpy because i haven't had a smoke in ages...
I should probably do that.
School tomorrow, i have to go. if i don't... i'll explode.
or something.
I'm delirious listening to ancient latin music or something, its pretty cool actually.
I wish i was spanish. or latin.
I'd fit in well chasing after 'sinerettas' i can't spell that.
Playing my fast paced latin guitar.
talking with an accent.
Mexican or latin...

"Got no place to go, but there's a girl waiting for me down in Mexico. She's got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin and if i bring a little music i could fit right in"
Counting Crows

oh yeah, btw i'm growing my hair longer, speaking of counting crows, he has those little dreaklock things, yeah, thats what i'm aiming for.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Tuesday - Ergh...
Date: Mar 12th, 2007 3:29:11 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Sick
Load on my mind: Coughing up a lung on the road.

I have a cold...
Karma catching up? or. just bad luck?
How can we draw the line?

I would really like a cigarette, but my chest is so full with crap that it would make me die, much faster then i will from smoking.

I feel so sick.
I have the day off to do.......
Fucking boring.
I'll find some schoolwork or something maybe.

In Aeternum,
Comments: (1)

Monday - I'm Just Trying To Be A Better Person. My Name Is Nick.
Date: Mar 12th, 2007 1:51:03 am - Subscribe
Mood: enlightened
Load on my mind: Hovering.

Yeah, i've been addicted to 'My Name Is Earl'.
A lot of it has been making sense.
Scary coincidences keep adding up.
Yesterday, i wrote a list.
On my list was everything bad i've done.
Everything worthy of bad karma.
I started on my list. I haven't crossed anything off but i've tried to be a good person, helpful, caring,... uncaring in some circumstances.

Today i came to school.
A boy in year 11 whom i know and i have experienced his bad karma inducing antics.

He fell.

40 feet from a tree, breaking his pelvis in 2 places, his eye socket and more.
Maybe this karma thing isn't just in TV, religon and fads.

"Do good things, good things happen to you. Do bad things. Bad things happen"

In Aeternum,
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Sunday - Epidemic Imbecilic
Date: Mar 10th, 2007 6:04:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Apathetic
Load on my mind: Flicking A Cigarette & Continuing Walking

I'm sick of all of this.
I'm really sick of the cycle.
I'm sick of the stupidity.
Its hard to be stable in a room full of potential earthquakes.
Around and around and around is all we go.
I'm bored and my head hurts because of...
I can't put my finger on what it is.
I want it to all be over.
Just go back to the simple days.
Back to the day...

After we broke up the first time. i went out on a thursday afternoon, we hung out as friends and talked about the good times.
I was relaxed...
And then everything went so well.

Mr. Apathy. Mr. Apathy.

I can't have it anymore.
Just. Go away, do your soul searching, sleep with other people, i just don't care anymore.
I've stressed too much.
Have fun. If you love me, you'll come back.
If you don't then i guess thats it.
One way or the other, there'll be conclusions.

I don't want to not talk to you.
I don't want to break up.
I just want you to get your head together.

So as i give you your pack lunch and a kiss on the forehead, remember i love you Rae.
And that i'll be here, safe and smiling, doing my own thing.

(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love & Understanding? - Elvis Costello
As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin’ for light in the darkness of insanity.

I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There’s one thing I wanna know:
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?

And as I walked on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

’Cause each time I feel it slippin’ away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?

So where are the strong?
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

’Cause each time I feel it slippin’ away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?

In Aeternum,
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Sunday - Water Deprivation Stomach Bug Joy. Where Are You?
Date: Mar 3rd, 2007 3:58:49 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Refreshed
Load on my mind: Breathing in the morning sky

I woke up scared,
More fearful then the first moments of a night terror involving Odin,
I know it sounds stupid,
And I am all to blame,
But this is the first Sunday morning that I can remember waking up refreshed, completely sober,
No hangover.

I should be thankful,
And I am,
Its been great to have a weekend to myself.
I’ve realised little parts of myself.
Me, Me, Me.

Blogs are just like our moment of fame,
At least once in a blogs life, it will be popular.
“In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.” – Andy Warhol

To address and extend on my last post.
Yeah. Yes I do hate you,
Yes you are a little kid,
The one from my preschool who chucked a tantrum til he got what he wanted,
To quote a friend, slightly out of context.
“He doesn’t know how to lose”
And yeah, I accept you have feelings,
But sorry my old friend,
I don’t care for them, and if I do, it’s only to drop you from a great height,

As I get older my topics become vast,
But the body is smaller,
Maybe I have more to write about and I’m lazy,
Or maybe I’m slowly leaving the road of dwelling

I don’t know,
And sometimes, ignorance really is bliss,
But only to myself,
Ignorance to other people aggravates me.
Enough now,
I’m going to go enjoy my refreshed personality.

In Aeternum,

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Flaming Resilience In A Fading Fire. Or. Stretch Armstrongs Elastic Perishes And Snaps.
Date: Feb 24th, 2007 6:14:02 pm - Subscribe
Mood: mature
Load on my mind: Walking Along With My Head Up, My Mind Proud

Oh my jealousy,
Oh my beautiful pit.

Oh my beautiful truth,
Oh my brutality.

Oh my lust for knives,
Oh my hate for you all.

Oh… oh… oh… my darkness is enflamed.
Burn circuits through my mind.

“I wanted to breath smoke” – Chuck Palahniuk

All this time, you thought you had it all wrapped up.
All this time you thought you were pure.

All this time I thought you could be trusted,
But all this time my underlying concerns,
Seeped straight into my gut,
And now it told the truth,
And now I’ve been put at fault because of your lies.

You told her all this time, you didn’t want her, and you told her you had no feelings,
But, you lied, you screamed and tantrums happened to accentuate your falsities,
Then when the champagne hit you the truth came out,
And Oh! How I did go a shrieking that I was right!
And Oh! How I was attacked and stabbed into the ground.
And Oh! If it was I who had lied like this, I would not.
I would not be treated with this respect he doesn’t deserve,
I would not be comforted; I would not be looked after.

Would you like to know that meaning of abuse you once called me?
Look in the mirror, you are fucking my head.
I want to leave you, now more then ever, but I know it’s because of him.
I sneer at the thought of him, I want to drain his blood and replace it with fire,
I want his veins to burst open with flames and for him to perish in.
And that is my new jealousy,

I hate you and I am not going to fuck around the bush any longer,
You are my enemy,
You are who I don’t like.
You don’t deserve any of this sympathy, you are ignorant.
You are unforgiving and close minded.
You have no respect, you are given too much and it’s made you high.
And I am a dark person, it might not be safe to indulge but you will hurt.
I am the meaning behind ‘hurt’.

“I will let you down, I will make you hurt’ – Nine Inch Nails

You aren’t a best friend, and yet you’ve manipulated an angel into believing you are safe to the point that when you tell her you want to fuck her and be with her, she feels sorry for you and puts her relationship is jeopardy to comfort you.

You are a bad person.
You are not happy.
You will never be happy you manipulative cock-driven pig.

I hate you and you are going to know and remember this.
Expect the worst, expect the harsh.
Because you’ll need them to comprehend the level I will hurt you on.


Other then this, my good readers.
I am well, I am strong and I am dominant over everyone but my girl.
I am pussy-whipped.
But I’m proud to be this.
And always will be with any person I’ll be with.

Power. Dominance isn’t power.

Power is sickening,
Dominance is primal.
Primal is natural,
Natural is myself.
Myself is dark.

But I am older, older then most people I know.
Mature past a lot of this bullshit.
I won’t deny anything primal,
But I can deal with this.
And I am, and I will.

I am in love, hate and other things aside.
I am happy and in love.
Much love to all those I do.

In Aeternum,

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