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tron Returning - Subscribe
Hello Aeonity World,

I stepped aside from here for a while because of the way I was using this blog, who was privileged to the information within it, and the way I felt about it considering the timeline of baggage that it dragged behind it.

I can't say for sure that there will be a definite return to this forum for my thoughts, fears and writing. But something must happen soon. Because I've got to approach the old suitcase, and I'm either going to unbuckle the clasps and sift through the memories for keepers, or I'm going to have to give it up entirely.

We'll see what happens shall we?

Mood: glorious

tron season's greetings Dec 26th, 2008 5:26:11 am - Subscribe
hope you're all well.
the worst thing i have to complain about is too much ham, so its not too bad here.
take care all
Mood: moodless

tron just chronicling. Sep 25th, 2008 7:33:07 am - Subscribe
I had the mother in law of all anxiety attacks last night. there were visions and uncontrollable crying. There was feeling 'lost' and small.

I was engulfed by a wave that I didn't see or hear coming. Then suddenly I was under. Afraid. Lost .

There was nothing I could do, except wait.

Mood: electrified

tron as cold as Sep 18th, 2008 8:26:41 am - Subscribe

Unsent letter

I try to talk to you
And can't get past the weather
The friend I thought I knew
Found somethin' somewhere better
So I'm hangin' on your line
Thought we could speak together
Don't know what it is with you
You seem gone forever

I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...

I know what could've been
Try not to think about it
Found it hard to live with this
Longed to live without it
My dreams have caught me out
I find myself surrounded
By the odds of our own ends
Enough said about it

I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...

I've given up some things
I guess that doesn't matter
Started other things
I guess that doesn't matter
I finally wrote your song
Another unsent letter
In a pile addressed to you
Care of something somewhere better

I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said we're not together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone...

I'm spending all my time
Driving 'round, faking clever
With a girl who seem alright
And another one who's better
I don't know if I lied
When I said that I'm together
But I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone forever
Yeah, I tried to talk to you
And somehow you seem gone forever
Yeah, I tried to talk to you
Somehow you seem gone...

If you know, then you'll see the irony of what was and what is.

I'm crying tonight because I've lost two... two because I wasn't able to make the right decisions.

The internet swallowed my post. So maybe you're not meant to know...

There's nothing I wouldn't do for either of them...

So I wish I were as cold as a cast iron cunt.
Mood: bitter sweet

tron contextual inconsistency Sep 7th, 2008 6:31:27 am - Subscribe
I've been thinking about context... and how it can really make or break a set of circumstances. you know, that thing that seems so tragic in one light could actually be uplifting in another. Case in point: I am terribly behind at uni... what might seem a disaster, in another context, could be an uplifting point because it would reveal the imperfections in a somewhat perfect appearing character and hence make that character able to be related to in a more 'real way'.

So, to make this all make sense, if I were Rory from the Gilmore girls it would be a charming plot twist, to reveal my age sensitive innocence, when it were revealed that I am behind with work.

But my circumstance is that I am just behind in a 'reality' that gives no shits for the struggling student who desperately just needs to get out and start doing her 'job' of choice without all the fucking hoop jumping!

In other news, I think I may be making my hair confused. I have been picking shampoo based on smell rather than label. I'm using a normal/clarifying shampoo and a moisturising conditioner. There's ya fluff people. Is it as cute coming from me?

Bah, there could be more on this subject, but i think i would be repeating myself.

Listen to feist.

Mood: subdued

tron put something spiney in your most sensitive hole! Sep 5th, 2008 3:13:02 am - Subscribe
How would I describe my day? What metaphor could possibly encapsulate the decadent awfulness of today? Could the be such literary anomalies? Let me attempt anyway to paint you a picture, with faeces on the wall...

It is raining here, turning the ground into a slush which resembles a mucous more than mud. I saw a duck go tits up, it is no lie.

My car died today. Its not my car, but it IS my primary mode of transport. four thousand plus dollars and two weeks to get it back on the road. Money I do not have. Money we do not have. It is spewing a fine mist of coolant out of its arsehole, the result of a dead head gasket. In short, new engine.

So in light of this, I've been offered a dream job. I can teach art to semi-intoxicated women via the process of studying hot naked men. What could be better. Lets get a little feminist equality happening here. BUT...

I've been offered a trial waitressing. Nice place, but its just the same old shit. I don't really want to take the work, but the money might be better. The 'right choice' is to take the trial. To do the shitty work for more money. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

And because the car is dead, I'll miss both the Fathers Day dinner with my family tonight and the Havelocks gig I've been dying to get to....

Did I mention I have to pull 4.5K out of my arse? I don't make that in a MONTH!

this is rooted. so very very rooted.

If you don't mind I'm going to feel sorry for myself...
OH and PS Dave you're a fucking CUNT because you're full of shit and you're a two faced arsehole! There I said it. Sure, I think Disturbed is GAY but if you make a big deal about me not going because its going to be a 'boys night' and you're glad to get time with Tim, don't invite other chicks, or it just looks like you don't want me there you anal fissure.

Fuck you.

Mood: pissed off

tron it might be alive, get a mirror Sep 4th, 2008 3:19:10 am - Subscribe
Its been a long time since I've written anything. This was brought to my attention by someone I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice to catch up. Don't get too big a head about your mention.

I'm ok. I just haven't felt like writing here for a while. I haven't had anything to say. Things have either been going well enough to distract me from the blog, or have been going badly enough that I didn't want to spread that kind of thing around. But here I am with another post, from my rather quiet life.

I'm waiting to hear back from a job interview yesterday. Its for teaching art. I think the interview went well. So, its just a matter of time to see how I really did with it all. I'd love to teach life drawing to groups of women. It would be excellent.

If I don't hear back from them, I start a trial with a restaurant locally next wednesday. I don't really want to work there, but I really would like to have more money again. I want to buy a coffee machine! (and be able to afford to pay bills...)

I'm very tired at the moment, and not very motivated. Its a 'time of year' thing. I'm trying my best to doggy paddle to some kind of land, but the waves of my uncontrolable emotions are washing over me and sending me back into myself again. I think I need to withdraw from certain situations. I'm sorry, I'm not ready. Just not. Its too hard for all concerned, and for what? Things get further under my skin than they do those around me anyway, I'm sure of it.

Shopping tomorrow for a dress to wear to a wedding. I'm MCing a friend's wedding. They must be silly putting me in that position... I'll have to write speeches its high school all over again.

I'm painting more. Its for uni, and its good to be doing it. I'm caring more about this stuff. But I have to go. next week I have a lot to do and I need to go away and get some of the work that I have been putting off done. curse my shithouse study habits.

I'll see you all... never.


Mood: limp

tron it appears... and then leaves Aug 17th, 2008 7:01:04 pm - Subscribe
I miss a web comic that I used to read called "Romulus and Remus" but it seems to have been swallowed whole and digested, bones and all, by the unforgiving internet. Why cruel world?

So I haven't been around much. I had a birthday recently. Thank you, 24. It wasn't an easy birthday for a number of reasons. None of which I feel tempted to divulge here, or this might get to be a 'personal' entry and you would have nothing. Be grateful.

I'm starting to read around, oh yeah you know it, and I think its time my rants became a little more cohesive, a lot longer, and definitely more linked to the shared human experience. So I'm putting my mood to 'destructive' hurrah.

See you next time.
Mood: destructive

tron el strangeo to the day Jul 28th, 2008 6:20:22 am - Subscribe
Today has been a strange day.

A strange week.

A continuing, developing, misanthropic sense of self. Another dialogue with no one. More strange dreams. More events. More work. Wonderings. Present de-aspirations. Apathy/Contentment. Illness creeping up... flu kind not anything else.

University ever onward. Weariness. Excitement. Something to care about. Hiatus. Industry. Caution. En Guarde.

Begin again...

ad infinitum.
Mood: argumentative

tron going to the city Jul 1st, 2008 10:52:01 pm - Subscribe
When I go to the city
Its to purge the smell of eucalypts and wood smoke
From my memory and replace it
With grit, dirt and something else…
I need to remember why I’m not here.

When I go to the city, I need to smell
The bad breath coming from the trams
The stink of rage
The apathy that leaks from every pore of
The crush around me,
I need to smell vicinity.

I need to smell urine
And shit
And booze
And stress
And overuse
And waste
And forgetting
And losing
And wishing
And hoping…
I need to smell dreams being born
And death.

When I go to the city, I forget the exhilarating
Permanent marker smell
Of fast car petrol
And late night binging.
I need to forget my own smell lingering
Amongst the people I brush against
When I’m out of my mind.

When I enter the city
When the city enters me
I need to block out its pheromones
And not fall in love.
Mood: fragile

tron other people's kids. Jul 1st, 2008 6:20:15 pm - Subscribe
thank you for bringing your precious bundle of joy to my house. I should have expected this when I invited you for dinner.

Wow. They scream that much. Honey, see we don't want kids any time soon. What? This is good. Thats excellent. Honey we really do not want kids any time soon.

Ok, lets have dinner. Where do you put him? I don't know. I don't have anywhere. Ok just on the couch. (mind he doesn't spew on my blue couch... white baby chuck doesn't come out so easily). Smile.

Oh aren't you cute. He did a shit that big huh? Ah, thats what the noise is. You want attention. Adult conversation anyone? Yes, he is cute. Yes you are tired. No, not much to say? Ok.

You don't want to catch a movie or something? No worries. I understand. You have to get the little angel back to bed (seriously). And I'll see you again soon. Maybe we could go out on the bikes, start looking around for a sitter. Drive safe. See you later.

I need a drink.
Mood: torn

tron Crunchy... Jun 14th, 2008 8:42:40 pm - Subscribe
I'm not okay with no motivation. I can't work in the 'artistic' headspace any more. I need motivation.

There is some, I'm sure, stored somewhere in a box clearly marked 'get off your arse' but I seem to have lost the key to that box and I can't get into it. Staring at it isn't getting anything done.

AGH... Time to go... to try and not make the same pattern of mistakes.

Mood: dour

tron I'm as synthetic as my wash cycle. Jun 14th, 2008 3:30:36 am - Subscribe
I click the dial on the washing machine to synthetics. Its a shorter cycle, save the planet. I feel synthetic myself tonight. I feel thoroughly unmotivated. I see posts on here about new things, and here, at the end of semester, I'm finishing something when other people are starting. Its startlingly incongruous.

I'd like to feel like I were headed somewhere. Like I were motivated toward a goal. But I'm not. And surprisingly, despite this empty feeling and a longing to 'get up and go somewhere every day' I'm not too worried by the whole experience.

On the whole, I find demotivation the usual place to be when the air turns cold. Something else opens up inside my head and creative wheels start to turn. I'm like a deciduous tree to look at, stark, gaunt, completely still... not doing anything and surrounded by the rotting decay of my own leaves. But inside, I'm not dead. I'm just sleeping, and thinking. I could be like this forever. I could be content with this...

if only I could quell that desire to get up and go somewhere every day.

I wish there was a vaccination that could prevent this sometimes. I wish there were some kind of 'dilligence' drug that made you want to do things (I think there might be one, I think its called 'speed')... But then again, is it better to be in this natural state of stagnance, to take stock of all that is not happening?

I have no answers.
Mood: undecided

tron walking out is harder to do than you think. Jun 12th, 2008 7:16:23 am - Subscribe
Why is it that a person can feel completely fine until they walk into a therapist's office. I challenge you to find me someone who won't consider themselves a little mad after subjection to the intensity associated with the medicinal confessional that is my therapists offices...

Today I felt fine, balanced. Unmotivated, definitely but still, fine enough in my life. But step into that office, and I am again disintegrated into the ball of raw sinew and fuckery that I have come to associate with these sessions.

I left early.
I hated myself for the lack of commitment.
I am successfully conditioned to deteriorate in small rooms with high ceilings and yellow walls... my god-- the walls in my house are ALL YELLOW... (not my choice).

So here I am feeling totally shit about the whole experience, and assured by the many voices of judgement within me that not one soul will give a shit. Good on you if you do.

Its a wonderful place inside my head. I think I'll go to sleep.

night world.

Mood: neurotic

tron turning the car around and going HOME! Jun 2nd, 2008 4:40:00 am - Subscribe
I am free. Free in my own mind. Whirling, swirling, twirling in happiness. Light as air, too far from the ground with relief.

Soon, all this shall be over. I am returning to my first love: The english language.

I don't mean to discriminate and exclude the many other beautiful languages out there, this is, simply, the only language that I have... I am returning HOME, to myself.

I am changing paths, a little, again to become more myself.

My life is a stone and I am carving myself out of it pebble by pebble. I am closer to my dream. I have accepted fate. I like it. I love it... I have gained all I need here, and am ready to move on.

I made this decision today, and it made the world make sense. I am becoming again, what I always was deep down. THANK FUCK!

Perhaps, just maybe, (the bald man had no hair), this therapy caper is working. I can see the self satisfaction seeping out of my therapist when I make progress, but I refuse to get into that... not now. I can't corrode this.
Mood: Happy

tron all hail the shiny May 31st, 2008 7:02:42 am - Subscribe
When did dressing like a slut get glamorous? There's a few questions on my mind that I'd like the general public, or society as a whole to answer for me. This is the first of them.

If you put on something skimpy from an op-shop or something that's hand me down no matter how good condition its in, you're trashy. If you buy the same kind of thing new, and cover it in diamonties than your classy? Well maybe its not that simple. You do have to slick your hair down and make sure you're clean, and there's a certain implied elegance in 'class' but essentially, you're either all hanging out there, or 'creating the illusion' of all hanging out there, and realistically isn't that one of the trashiest things you can do?

Firstly, that last sentence was far too long. Secondly, its wrong to judge, out loud. People don't like to feel like they're being judged, but we all do it. We rely on the external appearances of others to make those split second judgements about how much value they might be to us. We are, after all, social capitalists. We all are, regardless of your economic viewpoint. But this is beyond my original point.

My point was about class, and the seeming lack of it when all your body parts are on display. I sometimes think that animals have it much easier when it comes to appearance, but whatever, that's another post.

So back to class. I guess its all about the presentation of a message. See, to me, looking beautiful without the perfect body, without the mint of money, that's something. Its easy to 'scrub up nice' if you never get dirty. For me, I like those hard won battles. And I don't like diamonties. There's something a little bit trivial about overtly worshipping those 'shiny things'.

I guess what I'm trying to say amongst this very tired prattle, is that its the messages that are hard won that count. Its the person who took the effort to say what they wanted without compromising that impresses me.

Anything can live up to this high ideal of mine: art, music, dance, drama, literature, conversation... taking the time to get the message out there without using cheap tricks will always seem more classy, elegant, sophisticated to me than all the diamonties, or even diamonds real or metaphorical you can dish up...

Mood: spectacular

tron break my heart again, for old times sake. May 22nd, 2008 6:17:44 am - Subscribe
Every time I sit down to write something here I come up against a wall. It is made of reasons not to write, reasons to just walk away from this...

the foundation is a loyalty to paper, and a fear of readers. Its a judgement avoidance. It is cemented to the next layer by a conviction that I have nothing to say. The next layer is the certainty that the whole exercise is futile... wasteful of so many things... time, energy, thoughts, little pieces of myself so optimistically cast into the world and lost in the swamp of other people's needs... need to be recognised, need to be loved.

the wall builds itself up higher and higher with layers of failed attempts... and is decorated by my own self scorn and my distaste for the process.

The wall protects me from you all... and traps me within myself.

there is so much to say. and no reason at all to say it to anyone. I am utterly convinced that no one is listening. I am utterly convinced that the exercise of opening up to others does little more than push them away further from me in the times when I need them the most.

I am tired of listening.
I am tired of not listening.
I am afraid of not hearing
I am terrified of not being heard.

There came a point when, without the structured inescapable environments to pressured people closer and closer through their shared captivity, I realised that I had lost the capacity to connect in meaningful ways to those around me.

I am ready again to trust someone, completely, but how do I find that someone? How do I reach out and find someone who would not see me as a burden? I need that person with the right mix of empathy and understanding, interest and forgiveness, similar experiences, and self resolve... the right person... someone to be very close to and share with. I am ready for a new friendship. I am ready to nourish and be nourished... but I am behind so many walls.

How do you reach out to people?

This seems like a first step.

Mood: wonderful

tron change of scene Apr 17th, 2008 5:35:40 am - Subscribe
paper is working well for me.

begun therapy.

don't worry if you don't hear too much, i'm just very busy, very tired, and paper works better.

Mood: chaotic

tron whine whine whine Apr 12th, 2008 2:53:36 am - Subscribe
So I've had a pretty shit run of late. There's been some huge fucking nightmare at the school I was working at for practicum (first prac out mind you) where I was handed from teacher to teacher and in the end without following proper procedure they tried to fail me. The school... well I'm just not happy.

Yet we live and we learn. I had such a miserable time this prac that I can't imagine myself doing this job anymore. Everyone around me is either sick of hearing me whine or they think that its better for me not to talk about it. Either way I feel like arse.

It strikes me that my entire personality might be wrong for this profession. Its not the teaching kids I can't handle, its the colleagues. I'm sure there are nicer teachers out there, but really, if there are more like this, I certainly don't want to run into them.

To compound things, my holiday to Melbourne is off. Kaput. And this is final. There was no way *** could get the time off work, so we can't go. And frankly, we really need some time to ourselves asap. We've barely seen each other for two weeks or more. Our schedules keep us apart. I know I'm pretty much a wreck, and I'm sure he's pretty rooted too when it comes to mental fatigue. Time away just the two of us would be really nice.

So apparently, there will be another holiday in a couple of months. And right now I just see that as another opportunity for disappointment. I'm feeling pretty negative.

So at the moment, I've got to finish assignments, while living in limbo because someone decided I'm not good enough. I refuse to accept that. I cannot concede that I was so terrible that I might deserve to fail!!!

I'm just fucking sick of everything at the moment. No Holiday, no certainty about my degree. I feel like I may as well pack it all in now. I can't see my personality changing and I'm not a people person. I'm not mentally drawn/ interest drawn to the jobs/professions that allow you to work without other people around me.

I just want to go and do something else, and soon.

Fuck it all.
Mood: salty

tron my kingdom for a font! Apr 2nd, 2008 6:40:13 am - Subscribe
So its getting ever closer to the time when my eyelids will win the battle with coffee and demand some down time. It’s the end of another long day. Its seriously full on. Prac that is. For those not familiar with the routine, I’m training/studying to be a teacher so I get plopped onto someone else’s class, right at the end of the school term, to watch and teach lessons which have no continuity within the teaching and learning of the students.

I get to watch with amazed horror the difference between classroom practice and all the theories they bang on about in the hallowed halls of the university. I spend some time learning the few things that it will take the uni two or more years to integrate into my life (or so they think) and then I walk away disappointed that my taxes will pay people in the future to do more of this shitty teaching.

I’m up to my fucking ears in a world of “do as we say not as we do” and “don’t do that, do what I do!” and “don’t do what he does, he’s a moron” politics and policies that don’t really get implemented and a supervising teacher that doesn’t really know much more about what’s going on than I do. Or, rather, knows exactly what’s going on and prepares much the same way I do.

Its my main rant for the moment.

Life cruises on in my happy, control freak environment. I take charge and things get done. I believe in the power of myself to do things and hang everyone else. No that’s a lie. I’m not that jaded yet. You might say I’m exhibiting some kind of zen balance, despite the long LONG days and the hours of prep and resource work.

I can’t wait to sleep in on the weekend. So help the sparrow that farts before I wake up.

So life cruises, and posts are few and far between. Reflection. Reflection is the key to improvement. I can see that the eyelids are starting to get the brain onside in the aforementioned battle… fuck. Well it might be a good place to stop.

A foundation script free font, I’d give my kingdom for it. That and some realism in uni.

G’night all.
Mood: drowsy
something in the real to share: today was better than yesterday which was better than the day before.