Sunday - Cries for attention.
Date: Jun 2nd, 2007 8:52:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Burnt Out
Load on my mind: "Wish" - NIN, "Gave Up" - NIN
I am dangerous to be around.
And I’m stuck with myself 24/7.
Everything I’ve ever wanted I’ve had and destroyed.
And every time I’ve destroyed it, I’ve felt like it was justified.
Look back on every big mistake I’ve made.
Not enjoying sport, but enjoying computers, I was a happy kid, then I walked into the storeroom to get a disk to put games on and there it was, the end of my childhood.
But no, instead of realising what it was I kept looking, every disk in that packet, already full knowing it was going to be more of this thing. Which would be my demise within a matter of years. Dragged through all the legal shit, I was made to answer questions ‘yes that was the naughty man’, ‘yes officer, traumatise me some more’, ‘He put his penis…’, ‘yes officer, making me remember this is doing wonders for my well-being’. I played with clay the whole time, so much that it stuck to my hands and wouldn’t come off. I walked out feeling perverted, old and sick. But I smiled the whole time. I got fatter.
A year into high school and I was fat, I was unpopular, I was rejected constantly, I just sat in class and when I got home I ate popcorn and played with computers. This was all fine as far as my mind thought back then, but in retrospect, I was sad, I just never knew how to show it, so I tried to be my favourite stereotypes, the emo, the goth, the whatever else are sad. I couldn’t even do that. I was a failure.
I got a girlfriend the next year. She opened a whole new world to me, I started losing weight, became more feminine. She broke up with me, I bawled for the whole world to see. I started cutting myself.
I had friends but none wanted anything to do with me. I was sad, I was depressed. School was a burden and I couldn’t help but want to throw up constantly. My parents still thought I was ok. Sweetest little angel I was. I found happiness in cutting, I found happiness in masturbation, I found solace in self-pity.
A year passed again and I got another girlfriend in year 10 by this point. She was awful, but I needed someone. We never really clicked, but we fucked. Around this time I was drinking a lot and smoking weed when I could get my hands on it. I thought I was happy, but I was oppressed by my girlfriend and trying to rebel against her. I broke it off, I was the bad guy and I had bad fantasies. I broke up with her, because I didn’t like her anymore and I had a crush on who is now one of my best friends. Bad reasons. I’m a prick. I know it.
In this time I started dwelling on everything. I cut all my hair off then grew it back and straightened it. I made friends with the guy who liked the girl. Then they got together and I was nothing to anyone.
Someone at this point still cared, someone I didn’t realise. And she was Rae. She was everything I wanted and everything I thought was unattainable. To her I imagine I was just a guy she liked, to me she was God. And then I got cocky and pig-headed. After all a guy who thinks he’s a king can do that.
This girl came out drinking. Her friends were brilliant, and some of the best moments of my life were in the first 6 months. Then the problems started seeping through. I started smoking around here.
I never wanted to hurt her. I never hit her and I did all I was capable of doing to keep it strong. But, she broke up with me. And I was back in that office with the policeman telling me to talk about crude and evil things that made me uncomfortable. So I slept with a best friends ex, who he still liked.
And here. I can pretty much pinpoint when everything came crashing down to new depths. Ground zero.
I did everything within me to get Rae back. And it succeeded but not without casualties. I lost a friend or two. I lost my will to try and I was just submission.
But I had her. My dream. And I tried. So hard to do anything for her, never saying what bothered me about her. There were none, but there was always something about me. And once again. 6 months later, we broke up.
Now in year 12, stressed about the HSC, I’ve lost my dream, I’ve lost my will to try.
Because every time I try to set things right. I contradict myself I’m wrong and aggressive. I am a porcupine, people get close to me and they get hurt.
Now I am an asshole around people, because I just don’t care anymore. And it’s not even me; the person writing this is me. A sad little kid who saw too much too young and now he’s over his head, and he can’t cope. So he’s in auto and the person most people see isn’t him, it’s just a hologram.
I can’t understand how I’m only 17 and so unhappy. I know people have had it worse then me, much worse. I’m not ignorant, but I can’t help but feel this way.
I’m out of options.
In the words of Kurt Cobain “I hate myself and I want to die”
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