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Thursday - Feathered Up.
Date: Jun 14th, 2007 7:06:03 am - Subscribe
Mood: Self-Masturbatory
Load on my mind: To Sheila - The Smashing Pumpkins

A post to remind myself I was ok today.
Today was better then the last.
My mind has been murky. The last 6 years, there is no other word for how I’ve been thinking.

Sidenote:
Muzzle - Smashing Pumpkins
Reminds me of the future, the sound of it. Not the lyrics or anything.

Anyway.
I think I know why I disappoint myself a lot.
1. I misinterpret people. Perhaps I am paranoid, but I get hurt before I get proof
2. I’m not doing what I really need to do. I think I know what it is I need to do.

I’ve noticed just every now and then I constantly need to learn and grow. It must be constant or I get unhappy. I need to know.
Not maths equations, essay formats or scales and keys.
I need to know things my mind wants to know. Philosophy is a big part.
The problem I have with this is I get so absorbed in great sayings and theories that they become a part of me, that’s what I want. But I see I find new phrasings that mean more to me. And if I say them they come out blunt or speech-like. And I get told I should say something true to me. But when I say these things, they are, everything I say that sounds like I read it out of a book is from my own mind. Yeah, I quote my favourite, philosophers, comedians and musicians, but I never take their credit or even try to, I respect them all too much for this.
Perhaps I’m the collective of every book I’ve read, every song that’s meant something to me.
But that’s just it isn’t it, we’re all just the collective of our own experiences, so therefore I’m no different to anyone else, maybe everything I’ve thought has been thought before, but the combination of things I experience are original, so the combinations are endless and therefore all people are original.
This on top of things I’ve learnt, such as the idea of personal experiences all having been done before are made original and ‘our own’ by the way we cope and deal with these situations or ‘experiences’.
And then to top it off, the way a human looks and the way it is built (DNA, genetics and so forth) also adds to this individuality.
Therefore, every human is an individual, however slight the difference is.

Whoops. Rambled.

Anyway. I don’t know why I’m driven to learn, I don’t expect it to lead me anywhere, maybe so I can apply to be God, be all knowing. I’m not sure. But I find comfort in wisdom. So there it is.

On a final note. I’m still having trouble with love, is it a good or a bad thing, it gets so confusing. Could it be that once again it all comes down to love being like a drug, a chemical release. Its been proven I suppose. But what if there is more then science out there.
I’m still hoping love is a good thing, because even if it is just a drug, I’m addicted.
To quote the Reznor
“I’m still confusing love with need” – Metal (NIN)
It’ll come back,
Does I love you, mean, I need you.
Deep down, is that what I love you means.
Is this once again proof for my own little theory.
- All humans only seek one thing. Comfort.-
I’m yet to be proven wrong.

In Aeternum,
Pura

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