Brainless banter...just venting
Date: - Subscribe
Mood: a pendulum
Eargasm: starlight

I'm used to being in control.

My friend and I are pretty good when it comes to what she calls, "mind-fucking" people. (Mind you, we only do this to a precious few) We both love gaining the upper hand. So yes, there is control.

My other friend and I love psychoanalyzing and people-watching as well. We learn a whole lot about them and of ourselves.

But lately, I've been losing control because someone seems to enjoy mind-fucking me now. Completely harmless...or so it seems.

Heh. I was told that life is made more fun by playing games. And that it is the weird things (or the wierd ones) that make this life worthwhile.

True, true. So I've resigned to play along and quit being too serious about things. I was told to just sit back and hang on for the ride.

I'm afraid of getting too caught up in it though...
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'my dirty little secret' - hahaha!
Date: - Subscribe
Mood: good morning heartache
Eargasm: welcome to the black parade

I haven't updated for a while.

I keep remembering a conversation my two friends (Anne and Kat) had weeks ago. They were talking about distractions.

Anne told us how happy she was to have her boyfriend as what she calls, a good distraction. She said that he helps her keep focused and relaxed and that he is one who does not add to the stress but helps alleviate it. Kat explained to us how much she wanted to have that 'kind' of a distraction. And yes, I wanted to have one too.

But the kinds of distractions that I get from time to time are what I call, beautiful distractions. They throw me off, make me lose my focus and my 'groove'. Yet I walk around with little wings on my shoes and with a sweet feeling of intoxication. I don't get to focus and I lose my game. I hate it so much when that happens because I can't get anything done.

I try to stay away, but its too late

My nasty addiction. =(

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Well what'd ya know...
Date: - Subscribe
Mood: stuck


I'm side - tracked. I need to unwind. I've been working monday, wednesday and all through sunday. With a little bit of personal shit thrown in between. I feel like crying, because there's so much energy inside.

Hand me a beer and calm me down, the world is spinning beneath my feet.

She says I need to toughen up.

Right. Will do.

Maybe Tomorrow.
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Hanging on to the Happy Days
Date: - Subscribe
Mood: i feel purple..
Eargasm: fall away - the fray

Of course this Happy Streak wouldn't last. I had a feeling I wouldn't spend forever skipping and humming to a catchy tune. The days where everything to me was a beautiful burst of color are slowly fading away. But hell, I'm still smiling. It'll come back, I hope.

I'm not a big fan of sad songs. At least not anymore, but try and listen to The Fray's Fall Away I'm sure you won't feel exactly the same way I do now, but hell, its a nice song. happy.gif This may sound so cliche, queso even, but I've fallen away from the past. I almost forgot about it all, but its still following me. heh.

wish me a better tomorrow. happy.gif

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wishing for cookies..
Date: - Subscribe
Mood: cookies
Eargasm: Clocks

Yesterday was a long and tiring Wednesday. I started my day at 7am and ended at 6:30 pm. College sure is a weird way.

It became stormy towards the end of the day, and I had to seek shelter in the EGI building before heading off to PE class. I was with Anne, who was cuddling with her boyfriend next to me. So I preoccupied myself with the rain. I stared and stared at it... yeah, boredom.

My thoughts drifted to the countless raindrops that came splashing down on roofs, pavements and people's heads. I wondered if these are the same raindrops that came down in the year 1649. What was a rainy day like, say, in England, in the year 1649? I imagined dark, rainy days, light drizzles...I thought of what people were doing on a rainy day in 1649..One could be at home, writing letters to a loved one, another could be frantically grabbing the laundry left outside to dry and another could be facing a crowd of hundreds as they come to watch his execution. For some reason, it fascinated me.

I gave myself random dates and thought of what it would be like on a rainy day..It would definitely be different. On a rainy day like yesterday, people were just running for shelter and others were talking and smoking.

here's something i'd like to share with everyone:

The only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at
the same time, the ones who never yawn or
say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn,
burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars...

- Jack Kerouac

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September 6
Date: - Subscribe
Mood: overwhelmed
Eargasm: Dancing when the stars go blue

Oh what an eventful day it was! And it all started once I set foot out of the house!

First of all, it was Pickles' birthday. I dragged my good friend, Lek, to Town in search for the perfect gift. It felt quite weird shopping for her. She had changed so much since last year. I had to look for something loud and sexy. But that got me all iffy so I chose to shop for accessories instead.

After buying the gifts, Lek and I proceeded to Friday's where we talked about..Life. In general. I learned a lot from that girl. In the span of 2 hours, we pondered, debated and interrogated each other. It came down to this realization, that Happiness IS a choice. You can choose to dwell on your problems and become totally miserable, or choose to react differently. "Besides," she told me, "you are doing so much better since senior year. you're glowin!" [Since our term break started, we have been the cheesiest bunch of weirdos on the planet]

So I have resolved to (in the coming days) to be happier and to not let the tiniest things bother me. I, of course, did not expect Life to test me within minutes of our time in Friday's.

In the cinema area, I bumped into a friend (who long ago broke my heart) and he was telling me about his new girl and being all chummy with me. It was fun, and it didn't bother me much. Next, I bumped into the boy who screwed up. He was walking around with his new girl (my friend) and wow...that was the kicker. It was alright, I guess. I didn't let that get to me.

Lek was laughing the entire time. What more could happen?? We (Pao, Lek and I) drove to Pickle's place and dropped her present. I had to chase the car since my friends drove away...T_T

We were making bets. Lek was so sure the day wasn't over yet. Pao said nothing happens in twos, but threes. Someone else was bound to suprise me. From Pickle's house to mine, we were laughing and singing along to stupid songs. I was all good! I got home, happy that the day was finally over and that I won the bet.

Damn, was I so wrong..

He came by my place. The boy-who-really-screwed-up-but-is-making-the-effort -to-change. He gave me a caricature of myself and I was reduced to laughter. Attached to the caricature was a note: "Just wanted to make you smile..."

And that's how I lost the bet. happy.gif
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What did I do?
Date: - Subscribe
Mood: minced meat

"Words help bring out the hurt that keeps festering inside. If not used, it turns gangrenous and dangerous." --From "the queen of dreams"

I have not seen flesh nor hide of any of my Atenean friends for a long time. One of them even joked that I was prolly dead. Well, they're living their own lives. And I with mine. (I'm doing pretty okay, mind you) But whoa...the distance between my friends and I have grown so much. It leaves me speechless. I am missing out on a lot of things and I guess they don't invite me out that much anymore because they figured that I don't go anyway.

Okay, now THAT is my fault. I own up to that...

...but what hurts me is that people tell me how well I'm doing without them. They tell me how great it is for them to see me smile more often and all..and in a way, they're right.

But it still hurts and I don't know what to do.
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Beer with my best friend
Date: - Subscribe
Mood: happy
Eargasm: midnight radio

It was nothing much. Just a boring movie and coffee at the mall. Time passed and we were talking nonsense. Then I had a sudden craving for ice cream. We dragged our lazy bums around searching for an ice cream shop that was open at 10 in the evening.

Eventually, we ended up having beers at a local bar. And we talked late into the night of things we never told anyone. It felt liberating, but kind of hilarious to finally find out that we were both going through the same shit.

Thanks Tannie.

I think I'm going to sleep well tonight.
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