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I'm a wuss with cigarettes. Firetips I call them. Given my weak system, I can't take much of them yet I still do. God, the headrushes. Firetips make me think, I sink into a state of painful contemplation and pick at the little emotional scabs that have formed throughout the years. Routine, as one friend described, can save one's sanity. It was routine that filled the bleak summer days spent praying to disappear. Routine left me no time to dwell and ponder on things long past. Still man, I think too much. |
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It was a very quiet and peaceful drive home. The pretty lights from the buildings and the cool air was enough to lift my spirits after a long day. Then my friend, Pickle, messaged me. She needed to talk. I thought it was something serious, so when it was my turn at the wheel I raced home. And I TRIED to parallel park. But I hit the wall instead. Now I've got long white scratches smiling at me below the fucking right headlight. Next time, must stay focused. I found out that all Pickle wanted to talk about was a dinner in Antonio's on Saturday night. I reminded her about the debut we were supposed to attend that night. I had already said yes, but she had backed out. Oh, it's a little dinner. With friends whom I miss dearly. I don't know why but I felt upset with the idea about them enjoying a dinner at Antonio's without me. Again. Always without me. Fucking a... |
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It is the sad mix of freedom and fear. I'm distracting myself with Football and Sax and so far it's good. I don't know what'll happen to me though, once the World Cup season is over. My thoughts will stray again and betray me, because I tend to worry a lot about other people and I think too much. I can't think past next week. O_o I'm so used to having things all planned out. ------------------------------------------------------- Nothing but little colored candies on my mind" |
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A line I cannot forget. Thank you, Sylvia Plath. "The Beach" may not be one of the best films of 2000, but it sure has some unforgettable scenes. I watched the film several times because I just couldn't get enough of the awesome beach...imagine living in a place like that??! Richard: And me, I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know its not some place you can look for, cause its not where you go. Its how you feel for a moment in your life when you're a part of something, and if you find that moment... it lasts forever... Agree? |
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We, the four friends, were wrapped in an orange glow inside Cable Car’s coziest spot. It was Sisig Rice with a side dish of bleeding hearts on tonight’s menu. I sat quietly and listened, taking in as much of their hurt as I could. But as the minutes passed, the ashtray became a fragile heap of sticks and ash - like them, so fragile. I think it was the music playing in the background, drilling their pain-stricken lyrics into our heads. It made us sadder and I sank into quiet contemplation on a revelation I just had: Even if I had already ‘freed’ myself from something (or someone) that (or who) has held me back from doing anything in my life, I still feel the need to get out, start over and do my own thing. It has been something many people advised me to do while I was wallowing in a black pool of self-loathing. So I thought that once I’m past my problem, I’d be content. But I don’t seem to feel that way… Is that bad?? So I guess I felt fragile too. |