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goodbye... :(

May 1st, 2009 1:46:28 pm - Subscribe

i know it's been over a year since i last wrote. so it would seem i am already gone..and in lots of ways i am. i really enjoy looking back on my entries of who i used to be from time to time...and other times, my own writing and pain disgusts me. it's strange...yet feels so normal. i've moved on in so many ways so even though i love this place for giving me a secret place to voice all my thoughts, my pain, and my secrets...i think i may be ready to start writing again. for the sake of people i know reading what i write. a place where my picture shows up as well as my first name and they know exactly who is writing that entry. for me, that place cannot be this place. this place holds my many secrets from my past...and through this place i met many ppl, who most me have moved on. so i am moving on and getting a new blog finally, one i will share with others...but this one will always hold my past, my anger, my hurt, and my pain...i will forever miss this place...but i will be back, time and time look back on my past and who i used to be. thank you for being there in a time of my life when i needed it...and for saving this part of who i used to be...i look forward for the first time in my life, to what the future may bring for me.. happy.gif
mood: wishful
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if you're living, if you're got something to say ~matthew west

Jan 27th, 2008 11:17:28 pm - Subscribe

Living…or just Existing?

Splashing into a sea
Of hopeful writing…

Chasing after dreams
Far beyond my reach…

Treading the trail
Towards peaceful serenity…

Shattering the lies
Running through my mind…

Embracing the solace
Thought forever lost…

Capturing the wishful words
Of an aspiring writer…

mood: inspired
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swallowing this hurt, making it lie down ~krystal meyers

Jan 23rd, 2008 7:20:10 pm - Subscribe

"image is overrated...if it washes off in the rain. you know you gotta go go against the grain" ~krystal meyers

my anger got the better of me...and i had to write. no matter how much hw i am putting off right now. i think this is way more important to get out.

i just realized that, no matter what i do...they will never like what i like. they will always like that things i don't better..and i just have to live with that. it's been that way my whole life. i've always been different, weird, unique, or a loser. whatever words you choose to call me. i don't care... (((most of the time))) i hate admitting how bad it hurts sometimes just to be my silly, wild, crazy, different self. most of the times, the names people choose to throw my way don't bother me one bit. then there's days like today. sometimes i just want to go back to blending into my surroundings again rather than standing out. when did i become this person that likes to stand out??? i haven't a clue, it's just harder sometimes than other days. sometimes i'm able to laugh at myself more than others. but the fact is, i'll deal. i don't need your acceptance or opinion of who i should be...and i've realized i can change some things about me throughout the course of time and growing older...but the core of who i am will always remain the same...and i am this way for a reason i suppose...though sometimes that reason seems to get blurred...and i find myself wanting to disappear all over again...

people will always let you don't. people will constantly disappoint you. you may even think, for a first, you finally have friends. things are looking up. brighter days are ahead. then something you bring up...they have something they think is better. and they leave you for that something better. sure, they invite you to join them in the activity they are about to participate in...but you feel it's wrong, you don't feel you can do that. there's a reason you were doing the thing you were doing. there's a reason you were showing them...because you thought it was cool, enjoyable....maybe even fun. only to have them think of something better and quickly leave you to your solitude. it's ok, most of time you'd prefer the solitude over them...but only most of the time...not all of the time.

embracing solace is about embracing a soulful healing. seeking out that layer of healing and comfort in my life and wrapping it all around me. welcoming it into my life. letting it penetrate the very being of me and change everything about me--my outlook, my attitude, my personality. letting god be the one to give me that healing, comfort, and joy in my life that keeps peace and serenity in my life when i seek after him. but the fact is, i'm only human...and i will get let down...and disappointed in people, in their actions, their choices...and just the very personality of them. i can say things don't bother me when they truly do...i can feel wrong for being this way...but it happens. and when the tears form in the corners of my eyes...that's when i know it's over. i will not cry. not over something as silly, stupid...and as small as this. not this at all. it's just music. what's the big deal? why is it so important to me? i've been through things much worse than this and often times have felt the pain of not being able to cry. just wishing i could let out some kind of emotion so that i could know i was still real. so that i could find comfort and healing in tears...but it often took something else to trigger those tears. so why now? at something so insignificant as this?

often times i don't understand myself...or the reason i let others offend or hurt me. and they go about innocently...not knowing that anything's wrong...and i will never tell them. and because it's not a big deal...i will soon forget and life will move on again. but just for that one moment, i wonder...why....why do i allow the actions and words of others to hurt me???

i think it all leads back to our human nature as people and how we long for acceptance and love from others. no matter how much we claim we hate people or don't care what others think...we do, don't we? as much as i would hate to admit it, tonight my eyes have been opened about how even i, long for the acceptance of others…but i am firm and know i will not conform to their standards of things to be accepted. i know i may be a bit vague on certain things...but at least i understand what i'm trying to say. so…here i am left. i will not do what they do...i will continue doing what i do. they will leave me...and what now? i guess that is where i am stuck now....hoping to embrace the the calm and in the quiet...letting the words and actions of others to wash over me....and continue to stand firm in my beliefs and the strong person that i am today.

mood: abandoned
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no matter how deep and dark the trail goes, HE knows... ~lindsey kane

Jan 18th, 2008 8:40:16 pm - Subscribe

"i see you standing there, with your eyes cast down. i see you drowning in the pain. i see you wondering, looking so afraid. trying to disguise the shame..." ~lindsey kane

"i know you're past the point of breaking into pieces...i know you feel, like there's no reason even worth this...and when you cry, the tears that fall don't even touch your pain" ~cadia

"as i rest against this cold, hard wall
will you pass me by
will you criticize me as i sit and cry?
i had fought so hard and thought
that all my battles has been won
only to find the war has just begun

will my weakness for an hour
make me suffer for a life time
is there any way to be made whole again
if i'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness
find the strength i've never had
will my scars forever ruin all god's plan?"
~stacie orrico

if you're living, if you're breathing…you go something to say. you know if you're heart is beating…you got something to say…

listen up, i got a question here, would anybody miss you if you disappeared? well you're life is the song that you sing and the whole wide world is listening." ~matthew west

how is it that i'm on my face again
devastated by this trap i'm in
when will i walk in freedom from this sin
walk away, from all the shame
~lindsey kane

rumor is, she's some kind of dream
nobody really knows, she cries herself to sleep
we are not that different from each other
we just want somebody to discover
who we really are when we drop our guard
~joy williams

i've been looking up myspace music to listen to and i found some new favorite songs of mine...for the week anyways...that's pretty much all, nothing really more...or maybe i'm just too scared to write any of my own thoughts and such tonight. too scared to discover what lies in the depths of my heart and soul...too scared to see what's really important. i'd rather just avoid the mess all much for being any kind of writer at all…

but if i was going to keep writing...for anybody who might read this, i might have something else to say....the least i could do it try...

like for example...isn't it kind of strange how someone you could have known your whole life is now someone completely different and has changed, not for the good. it's sad...and it's sickening to me that he could be like this...and be doing those things. that's life. i know. that's the things he deals with going to the school he goes to, the people he hangs out with. it's not that big of a deal.

except it is. these past two days i realized how much i do not know or understand about my own brother. and it saddens me...but it makes me realize i do care about him. i do care what happens to him. i don't want him getting arrested, calling home at 3 in the morning while getting picked up by the police. i don't really wanna believe he's been smoking weed or drinking....buying stolen ipods, drugs, or stealing bikes and who knows what else...yet it's all there...on his myspace. his hidden life. his lies exposed as truth. but not for the world to see...not for me to really know. except i do...i do now.

and i am left to wonder if some of it is just talk to impress or fit in with these people or if he really is doing this. and my heart sinks as i realize it has to be true. it just has to be. why would he be lying on his myspace, where he doesn't think anybody can see the messages he's sending everybody...*sigh* my mind is tired and weary now...i think i'll stop here...
mood: worn
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i am a mystery, i am a locked room in a tall tower ~brooke fraser

Jan 10th, 2008 7:41:03 pm - Subscribe

my life is a puzzle right now, a mystery. there's no other way to describe the confusion i feel right now. and as cliche and redundant as those phrases are...i realize why they are what they are...because it's true. it's relevant. it's me. and that is all…
mood: confused
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you know i keep on keeping on believing ~brandon heath

Jan 5th, 2008 12:33:22 am - Subscribe

the past three days have been busy but great. as much as i'd like to just sit and relax...i love being busy with babysitting and such as well. kids are the most amazing thing in the world...and i love every minute i get to spend with them.

wed. i babysat the girls, raegan and laniey. we had fun as usual with singing hannah montana, watching hannah montana, and playing with the hannah montana barbies. oh yeah, we did other things too, like coloring and playing polly pocket. after i was done babysitting i headed over to michelle's house. it was good. her boys and i watched high school musical then they went to spend the night at their grandparents house. so i was just me, michelle, and baby seth. we got a chance to talk a bit, but then i sadly had to return home.

thurs. i babysat the girls again and the fun from wed. was repeated. as well as jen telling me the good news...she's pregnant again. i'm so happy for's exciting...after i was done babysitting i called morgan cause she wanted to hang out with me before i went back to school. so she came over my house and we watched a movie..and talked alot. haha. it's surprising to me how different things are with me and her. i've known her since 1st grade, we fought quite a bit in middle school but were still friends. in high school we drifted apart quite a bit..but by senior year we still talked when we saw each other at church. then first year of college i didn't talk to her at all i don't think...and now all of the sudden i'm still at school but we talk on the phone or online some..and when i come back, we hang we did this day. so it's kinda fun. it's like i have an old friend of mine back..and she really is an old old friend.

friday i had to get up super early to babysit jacob at 6:30 am. at 7 we watched high school musical 2. i was excited. great way to wake me up! i loved it as much as i loved the first i think. i don't know. i can't decide. i think i'm just stuck on how cool it is cause all the kids i know like it...and jacob, at age 4...loves that movie. it's really fun to watch him sing. then after i went home i took a really long nap, 4 hours..ya know. and then i went back over to babysit jacob and amanda this time. it was just more bundles of fun. what i loved most about it was putting them to bed. not because bed is fun, but just the whole process for me, is sorta fun..and enjoyble. i don't know how else to describe it. but i get to read stories to them...i read to amanda first. then i read her a bible story and when it was time for prayer time, she asked me to pray first. and i don't pray aloud very much, except in the presense of young kids..i don't know, it seems somewhat special that way. the way they look up to me and no matter what i say, it's the right thing because they look up to me. but when it came time for amanda's turn to pray..she's so sweet. she prayed that i'd be safe returning to college and thanked god that i had time to come over and play with her over break. when putting jacob to bed, he prayed sort of the same thing. he prayed that i'd be safe...children just impact me so much in life...

i don't know where'd i'd be if i didn't have all these children in my life. life just wouldn't make sense without them. it just shows me how torn i'll be again when returning to school and not being able to see these kids...babysit them. put them to bed...and most importantly pray with them. for them. it's so special...and i just love it. i have no more words to describe this amazing experience...the lyrics at the top of this page..."keep on keeping on believing" is just what i'm doing. keeping on believing. holding to the faith. how could i not after a day of babysitting like this??? moments like this are to be treasured...and remembered...forever. so, i'll just leave it at that...
mood: hopeful
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my heart is torn, just in'll someday see the truth from lies ~plumb

Jan 1st, 2008 12:17:05 am - Subscribe

it's a new year now...and all night i had been what!? really, what's the big deal. it's just another month, another day. or maybe it is a big deal and every day should be celebrated as much, as a new day...for new resolutions. this day will be better than the last, rather than this year will be better than last. but then i suppose i've had too much time to think last night.

jen talked about me coming over and watching a movie. however, i tried calling her, left a message and she never called back. so i ended up staying here, at home...bored. which is why i'm writing now. all this time at home has led me to non-stop thinking about crazy things like new year's and other such things.

i remembered to call michelle today but she didn't answer....but she did call back and said they had just came home from the hospital, seth is better right now, he's not completely fine...but better. out of the hospital anyways. michelle sounded drained so i wasn't gonna talk to her much but then she started asking about me, like she always does. and when i told her i was up til 5 am last night she wanted to know why...and she's a really good friend of mine, so as sick as i was of talking about the things i wrote about last night, i couldn't not tell i did...i talked about how people have just been bugging me lately and talking about my future and that's caused me to keep thinking about it lately...and it's driving me crazy. that and the fact that i might want to work with youth at church, something i stated very clearly in high school that i would never do. that makes it that much harder to surrender to something for me when i make a statement to myself and to others like that. she completely understood though. she told me she always said she'd never put her boys in public school and now she's thinking she might have too and it's hard. so talking to her was a great thing. we also talked about how if it's something god wants me to do i should do it...and i told her i feel like everyone else is giving me their opinion on what i should do, but she made a good point that maybe god is using other people talking to me to influence me and impact me on the decision i've been thinking about making. why didn't i think of that? i just felt so stupid. of course i know god uses people to talk to others..and well, the fact is i also admitted i know what i've been needing to do, i just put it off and when i try it's just so hard for me...and that's to pray.

last night when i stayed up really late i watched hannah montana episodes til like 4:30 in the morning cause i was tired of thinking and these things bugging me. so i thought it's late enough, i should be able to just sleep...but i was wrong. because again, i was putting god off, the only one who could give me peace and rest right? it's not that i don't believe now, i try's just really hard sometimes. especially being at home. and i don't want to face god because i don't want to face the pain, the tears, and the emotions that come along with all of it. but last night i did try. at 5 in the morning i just broke down and cried because i couldn't ignore it anymore..and i tried as hard as i could to pray. i really did...and after a few moments of just letting the tears and frustration mingle down my cheeks, i felt more at peace...and was able to sleep...

and then while i've thought alot about things again today...they haven't seemed as overwhelming and frustrating. and i'll have to thank michelle a bunch later for being a part of that. as much as i don't want to talk to people about these things...i realized how much of a help they are just to listen...and to talk to me. and with as much as she has going on with her life and seth...i was just calling to make sure seth was ok and that she was...and she turns around and helps me in the greatest way ever. she's just such a great friend to me...and i appreciate her and love her so much.

i can't live in the past anymore, i realize that..and i know i can't worry about the the best i can attempt to do right now, is just live in the present, take each day, each they come and enjoy and learn from it all...from every experience thrown my way...

and that's all i really have to say for tonight...
mood: alright
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i need some time...some time to think ~plumb

Dec 31st, 2007 1:40:27 am - Subscribe

actually....i think i've been thinking too much lately...about writing among other things...but let's focus on writing. and how i haven't been doing enough of it. it's hard to see the effects at first, but now...i am simply going crazy. to say the least.

i'm so caught up in capturing a "moment" or a "memory" that i have lost what writing did for me at first. released my thoughts. released my emotions.

so here is me...doing just that. now, what?

it's so hard to start, but once i start, i know it'll be hard to stop. things are just crazy right now and i am driving myself crazy. i think that it's because lately i've been saying no to hanging out with people and giving excuses. i'm glad i only have one more week here, otherwise i'm sure my current living would really be damaging to the progress i've already started. i have just realized today what is really going on and i'm going to try hard and stop it this week. i am babysitting some, that will help. but i think i'm going to try calling morgan or adrian back and ask them if they wanna get together. more so with morgan since i will see adrian again soon. but i really felt bad the other night after saying no to a movie with was just weird for me first of all to receive that kind of phone call. i guess it's still all kind of new to me that morgan would want to hang out with me again. i has been so long...but we've been through so much.

baby seth went to the hospital last night, i found out today during church..and i didn't call michelle today to see how he was doing. i feel really bad about that, like a horrible friend. instead i thought, i really don't feel like talking to anybody right now...even though i wanted to know if he was instead i took a four hr nap on the couch...and still didn't call her. now it's much too late. i really hope i remember tomorrow...after i pull my lazy self out of ed after noon or something.

i went to the movies with michelle and her boys friday and seth has smiled at me before..but this was the first time he continually smiled at me really big and was laughing...he also was sticking his tongue out at me. it was soo cute...and i haven't been able to get that image of of my mind, me looking down on him...his mouth wide a beautiful sort of grin...

another thing i can't stop thinking about is working with youth. it seems crazy because our small group leaders at church would try to teach us things for when we would one da lead our own group..and i always said i would never do that. out loud i made that clear. kids we're always something i'd be involved with, never the teenagers. so not only am i in conflict with myself, whether i really believe i can do this, whether or not i think god wants me to do this..but i also have to swallow my pride and admit to ppl that yes, i've been thinking about this. and then, i have to hear what they say. and i kinda wish i hadn't entertained the idea of me doing this in the first place, because the i could just get it out of my head and it'd leave me alone..but that is not the case. and it's driving me crazy...and i know what i need to do, i just won't...

i guess what's bugging me the most is all this time i have to think and be by's just so unusual...and it's been happening for too long now...and i haven't turned to writing yet, the thing that has kept me for the most part, sane....for many years now it seems. maybe one day i can learn to turn to god in the same way. one might think that my writing is sort of my way of talking to "him" to make up for a way i can't quite express yet...but i'm still learning and growing...and struggling...

as short as this seems to me right's good for now...because weariness have overwhelmed me now...and hopefully i can write some more in here soon...hopefully it won't be so long...this is probably a good way to wrap up the end of the year 2007 as well...writing about, well writing...
mood: overwhelmed
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when the pain came back a bitter friend... ~brandon heath

Dec 16th, 2007 9:02:02 pm - Subscribe

i'm sick of this place already...i want to go back to school now. i just came home wed. night...and i want to go back. i still have 3 weeks left here. 3 whole weeks...

this blog will center on an incident between my father and i. something i think about often, well i used to. now the memory fades in and out in the back of my mind when people ask about him. this one incident i would term as "abusive" if i were allowed to say such a thing. other than that, i'm unsure really if i could say he was or not. because he wasn't really, he liked to discipline alot and he went about it the wrong way...but was i asking for all the times he struck me with the belt? what is abuse really? and how far does discipline go before you cross the line? these are thoughts i've been struggling with for awhile now. how to define my father. because as much as i say i hate much as i say i will always hate him for all the years he hurt me...i wonder, was he really that bad? or was i just being the usual defiant teenager who never listened? so here i am saying now, that no matter what i've said on here before, he's not as bad as i've probably made him out to sound. that doesn't mean i don't still hold hard feelings to him, i just means, i know there's alot of kids out there who’ve had it worse...and i wanted to say that before i painted this ugly and gruesome picture of him. because i've been told many a times before that i am dramatic...and i think that reflects in my writing.

many a valentine's ago....waiting for my cousins to show up. my dad is sitting in the living room. reading a paper...i am in my room but we've been fighting for some time now. i can't remember exactly how old i was, though i can tell you i was still in braces at the time. so my dad is saying something to my brother about me. talking bad about me. telling my brother how bad of an example i am...going on and on about this stuff. the anger burns within me. how dare he? how dare he say this to my brother? i run out of my room and prepare to do something i will regret forevermore....

"shut-up" i yell straight in his face...

and then it was over. i pushed him to the limit this time, screaming at him to shut-up and screaming right in his face. the second i get the words out he lifts his hand and smacks it across my cheek. it stings. it burns...and then i taste the blood.

i try to open my mouth and it seems to be stuck. i run to the bathroom scared out of my mind as i taste the blood filling my mouth. i let it drip out of my mouth into the blood....dripping all over the white sink. i look in the mirror and see the inside of my cheek is stuck in my braces. as i open my mouth, the flesh tears and i spit out the small chunks of skin into the sink. i am still in shock when my dad walks in behind me. looking like he's somewhat in shock himself he says nothing. he doesn't help either. he just stands there....watching me. i want to slam the door in his face. i want him to leave. i want to disappear. but, i’m bleeding, i’m injured…. i am too tired to retaliate…and sadly, i’ve realized he has won. And I don’t know what hurts worse, the physical pain of his hand across my cheek…or the fact that i’ve lost the fight with him this time. as the hatred is still bubbling inside of me...he says something like.

"well i guess you got what you deserved"

and i try as hard as i can to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks as well. i would hate for him to see me weak, to see me cry. i try to remain tough and unchanged...but it's hard as i feel the stings.

if i didn't have braces at the time, a slap across the cheek wouldn't have done much to hurt me...but because the braces cut the inside of my cheek and tore off skin...i was left in pain for the rest of the day...and i didn't think much about the fact that i could have been left with a bruise...

but then monday morning, getting ready for school i look in the mirror once again...and there it is, a big bruise on my cheek...a stain of another broken holiday for the whole world to would i explain it to the kids at school?

luckily i didn't have to.

see the week before i walked the school hallways sporting a huge bruise on my arm, this one from a fight my brother and i got into. so people who asked about my bruise asked in a way like this..."did you and your brother get in a fight again" and it was easier to say yes then to admit the truth of this new bruise on my face….it was easier to agree to their assumptions than to say, “no, my dad gave me this shiner”.

the whole week i walked around with that embarrassing bruise on the side of my face. i don't think i told anyone at the time the truth of that. was i ashamed? yes, more than ever. because if i told them my dad hit me, then what? and i had keep questioning whether his action was justified or i think absolutely not, no matter how many ugly words i yelled at him...but at the time, i was unsure. and i didn't want to tell people i screamed in my dad's face...because, him giving me a bruise was somewhat out of the ordinary...but me yelling at him....that was something that happened almost daily….and sometimes…even more than that.

but many people didn't know that. i kept most of my home life a secret until my later high school years. i was too ashamed. i thought people, like at church, would try to fix me...and i thought it was none of their business...because i hated my dad and i always would. and even now, i still harbor that hatred in my heart. and i wonder what it'll take to let it go. maybe several more this one...or maybe just time…and change.

but i don't wanna write about things like this for awhile. this was hard enough. and now it's time to put that one valentine's day to rest. not for long though, because next february, i will be reminded of the memory once again....and the emotional pain will it has all the past years...but here's another memory.....

mood: wounded
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these memories have overtaken me ~seventh day slumber

Dec 8th, 2007 2:26:21 pm - Subscribe

another long lost memory caught in the depths of my mind...

christmas break, i can't recall how many years ago. but in an attempt to not be so afraid and alone, i call morgan to see if she wants to hang out...but she's too busy for me. i can't blame her, i'm no fun, especially at this low point in my life.

the pain fills my being once again. i can't do anything about it...there's nothing i could possibly do to stop the aching in my heart so i do only what i know i can do. something that will take over the emotional ache in my heart and fill my being with something real, something physically painful. something that i have a reason to complain about. i scratch the surface of my skin with my nails....relief does not come too quickly this time. the emotional pain is too much to bear. i look around the room for sharper objects, something that will hurt worse but won't make me bleed. something that is safe and unsafe at the same time. my keys. quickly i grab those and dig them into my tender flesh...and it has left it's mark while the skin slowly raises and turns time, it'll fade...but now, in this very moment....the mark left on my skin for the world to see the depth of my pain. and still, not satisfied i race to the bathroom, lock the door and sink to the floor. i open one of the drawers and a nail file is in my hand and before i know what is happening, the incident with my nails and the keys is repeated. the tears are spilling down my cheeks and i'm caught wondering if this really does help. if it really does satisfy me for the moment...i can still feel the emotional hurt...does that mean i should continue with this? finding sharper and more painful objects until i go completely numb and fade into nothing….slip away forever…

the moment soon comes. i open the shower curtain and grab the precious razor. my mind back flashes to all the stories i've read of the "cutters" out there. the ones who have no other choice. even my online friend, perfect110, from here and other places...even she cuts the skin to move on with life, to get over things. so what was stopping me from being just like them? what was really stopping them? all these friends i've made in this online world of mine…all of them struggle with it, so why can't i???

clenching my fists and holding tight to the relief that exists in my hands i continue to just cry and cry and i can't stop myself anymore. it's hard to breathe. i feel suffocated. and in that very moment i hold my left hand out...i stare at the raised marks on my skin from my previous explosion. i hold the green razor cautiously to my skin, feeling it's cold blades against my tender skin...imagining what it'd be like for it to cut deep into my skin. just playing around with the idea in my head while i'm crying out for relief and something to stop the hurt. minutes go by as i toy with the idea of just getting it over with...done with. and doing the very thing i promised myself i'd never doing. flirting with this evil, what had i succumbed myself to!?!

and then the songs i listen to, their lyrics just flowing through my head right now...

"the hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife…she writes on her arm wants to give up her life" ~Superchick

"my arms are sliced up..but I'm not embarrassed…it's the only way I get attention now from my parents" ~KJ-52

"I'm tired of feeling so numb...relief exists I find it when, I am cut" ~Plumb

"She's the girl that sits in the back
Dark shirt and her hair is black
She cuts herself but ya can't see that
Long sleeves they hide the facts"

"something's gone wrong in my head...i wish i was dead…the cuts on my wrist bled..." ~Cross Movement

"I let it go to breathe...I can't take it anymore...I refuse to wake up one more time, bleeding on the floor" ~Krystal Meyers

"You come to me with your scars on your tell me this will be the last night feeling like this" ~Skillet

"Needing so much more than she stares at the scars on her wrist" ~Plumb

all these people who have struggled deeply with the very temptation that i was about to surrender to...did i want to be just like them. yes. i believe i did. the thought seemed fitting for a person like me. the idea...very tempting. even what i did struggle with seems like not much compared to the depth of emotion and pain found in songs like this…

but going back to that night, no i never did cut the skin...i never did make myself bleed. the razor just touched my skin...and felt really good sitting there, but i did not give into that. while i scratched at the surface many times and i thought about cutting several times after that, never was the temptation as great as it was that night. never again would i like to experience that. even though i've come to realize that what i was doing was still as great of a temptation and was still as wrong...i've learned and moved on since then. it's still something i think about, sometimes almost weekly...every time life seems too much. it has becoming a coping mechanism with me and a continued fight and struggle in my life. but it's been months..since may actually, since i've given into that temptation. and i hope to continue to remain strong as i did that night with the razor.

if i were asked to think about one of the hardest moments in my life, that night would be one of them. it was the night i seriously couldn't decide whether or not i wanted to was almost as if i was thinking about my own suicide. at least that's how it feels now and if i were to tell you any differently, i would feel like i'm betraying you with the words on this page...

another memory freed from my mind...and i'll end with a more hopeful quote from one of my favorite songs...

"you will bring beauty from my pain" ~superchick

i wholeheartedly believe this now...
mood: victorious
(2) rain_drops

i drove really fast and i cried harder than you know... ~plumb

Dec 3rd, 2007 9:54:30 pm - Subscribe

more so on here than ever, i want this place to be a place where i can capture moments in time. for so long this was a place to record memories, a journal of some sorts...but now, i want so badly to describe those times in my life when i was hurting so deeply that i could not stand the pain, the moments i thought i was going to die, the painful memories. why i want to preserve these with words that shall forever haunt me i have no clue. i just have this crazy desire to do it. so i have...and so i must. whether these moments span from a few minutes to an hour...they are memories nonetheless that need to be spoken about. that need a voice. maybe they just need to be expressed and freed from my soul so that, i...may continue to live...and be happy.

thanksgiving night. after a stressful day with family, family and more family...i return to my room, the prison for my soul, yet, doubling as an escape. the only place in that house where i can close and lock the door...and hope to be left all alone. completely and solely, by myself. except for when my sister's sleeping there. but she spent the night over the cousin's. so all alone i was. it's been so long, the memory is a bit fuzzy now...but something was going on with my brother. there was loud yelling and screaming. doors were being slammed...and i was trying so hard to block out the noise. so hard to just make it through the night without hurting myself. looking down at my arms, the flashbacks returned. my dull and short nails would not do in a time like this, i would have to resort to a nail file or perhaps keys like i have in the past. the plan was forming in my head before i could seem to stop it. the devil had his hold on my once again...and....ah...i gasped. i came to the realization of what was about to happen, and i for one, was not going to go through with it, no matter how bad i seemed to want to. the anger seeming to build up in my trembling hands i knew i had to do something. this anger needed to get out, and not through hurting myself. i turned up my music. i tried to block out the condemning voices and noises of the past. and before i knew it, i was down on the ground. keeping my hands so busy and releasing the anger in a more healthy way. push ups. and when that wasn't enough, crunches were my next exercise. the way i could clench my fists tightly as i went up and down was a release i had yet to experience. and before i knew it, i was physical body was exhausted and my emotions were spent. i knew i had one this time. my hands were tired, my anger soon passed...but i might not be so lucky next time. the release of tears soon washed away the bad memories of that awful thanksgiving day. and i hope never to experience that again. yet i know those times shall come again...and hopefully i will be prepared...and not defeated….i made it through that one night….and i will continue to make it through many more…

ahh...i feel so much better now after getting that moment in time down. hopefully i will continue with many more...until then...
mood: antisocial
(1) rain_drops

...people never crumble in a day... ~casting crowns

Nov 24th, 2007 9:11:37 pm - Subscribe

i think i'll put this on myspace as well...

people never crumble in a day....
...daddies never crumble in a day
....families never crumble in a day...'s a slow fade...

--casting crowns--

this part of the song got to me the most...i don't think i can say anything better than's true. unbelievably true. it's a slow fade...but, not only that, things can change. people may fall, people may crumble, but people can get right back up and start living again. what once was faded can now shine bright. i know it to be true. often times, it's hard to remember, but still true. and sometimes, you need a little help, or even alot, but it's ok, especially if it's helping to change the person you once were.

and maybe, just maybe families can be restored and healed as well... it may take years to undo the damage that has been done, but if everyone is willing, things can and will change. and if not, we can just continue to fade into the black, cold, nothingness of life. doesn't sound too appealing now does it? i think sometimes our hope in others has faded as well...we get so down and discouraged that this is the way things have been for so long, that they will continue to stay like this forever...i can change, but can they? of course not. they've always been that kind of person, that's just who they are. isn't that how we as humans think? it can't possibly be my fault, it has to be theirs...and on and on. now before i go off on all these random topics, just think...that maybe if we hold more hope in others...things might be different?

if we were more willing to help others, before they completely faded away…if we weren’t always so into ourselves, couldn’t things change then? open up your eyes…listen with your ears, people are hurting all around you, slowly fading away…just needing someone to lend a hand, listen with their heart…encourage them and lift them up…the least you could do is pay attention and listen, truly listen. couldn’t you be that person for someone, the one to pull them out of this cold, black world we live in…before they truly slip away?
mood: tired
(2) rain_drops

tears falling down again, tears falling down ~skillet

Nov 22nd, 2007 11:16:50 pm - Subscribe

i'm suffering. laying here...feeling almost lifeless. any form of hope left, crushed and abandoned in the rings through my ears. trying to drown out all the other sounds. the sounds and voices still ringing in my ears. the memories from this day. my dad screaming, yelling, arguing...stupid words coming from his mouth. my brother. screaming, yelling, left arm still tender from his punches in the car...because he didn't want to hear my voice anymore. my sister, lucky, getting to escape. left to spend the night over our cousin's house. not having to come home in the car and hear the remainder of the fights...the remainder of the arguments and fights held over this wonderful holiday.

trying to remember what exactly it is i'm thankful for when everything seems to be falling apart in my life once more. trying to rediscover this hope i'm so tenderly trying to hold onto. how did things go so wrong? how did i let myself get into this oh so familiar mood once again.

i hate myself for letting it get to me. i hate myself for letting them get to me. my dad and my brother. it's too stressful, too much. no matter how many times i come home to this, i will never adjust. because it's doesn't seem like this is the life i'm meant to live. and i can't. i can't deal with this pain anymore. i can't go through the periods of good times at school only to come home to the dark periods of life.

i really wish i had somewhere to go right now, tonight. forget that it's midnight. i feel like i'm slowly wasting away right now, locked in my room on the internet. i feel like i'm dying. that i might give in. that i hate myself so much. it's a wonder i can still type with all the tears forming in my eyes. i wish i had someone to call, but it's so late. i wish i had a friend to talk to. i really wish i wasn't here...alone. after the mess of today, the last thing i need is to be locked in a room...all alone. it's so dangerous. we're not meant to live life like this. we're not meant to live in fear of ourselves. i just want to scream. the pain hurts so bad. i wish i could be with my kids friends. people who care. because i know they're out there somewhere...just not at home.

i don't think i can write anymore tonight. this pain is just too new, too tender...and right's just hurting too bad...and i actually think writing about this now, is making it worse. and i really wish it wasn't. i know i have to deal with this eventually. i just don't think i can deal tonight. i'm slowly slipping away...and i don't want to. it'll take forever again for me to get back to where i was...
mood: hopeless
(0) rain_drops

i can't do this, i can't do this, oh God i need your help ~plumb

Nov 21st, 2007 5:32:50 pm - Subscribe

at any given anger will explode. i don't know what i'm capable of at this moment...but being stuck in the house all driving me crazy.

though i did get to see miley on oprah...and that was amazing.

i just don't understand how things can be so completely different. school...home life. i know things were hard at school last year, but just getting used to being more on my own and then returning home, it's hard. it's gonna be hard. i wouldn't expect it any other day.

when things are fine, it drives me crazy. so in my attempt to deal, sometimes i am the cause of such chaos in the house...usually by starting an argument with my dad or sister. i don't have any reasonable explanation for it other than, just being in this house and existing does not work for me. i'm so used to the arguing, fighting, screaming...etc...that if there is none, i take care of that.

i am still a sick, twisted, person sometimes. and i wish i had more self-control over this. however, i do hold some self-control, seeing as i'm still here in the world, existing and all...and i still haven't hurt myself since may. go me. i hope writing this doesn't change it.

and if you think that's crazy. what's crazier, is the fact that things have been so good for me at college now...and i hadn't been able to cry in forever, until friday, the day before i go home, i start crying cause i'm scared.

and then sunday after church i come home, lock myself in my room, and the tears spill out again. only harder this time. and i'm wondering if i'm making myself miserable. if i really am dramatic, cause nothing had happened yet...and i was just dreading it so much it was upseting me. and i already wanted to go back.

but monday and tuesday night i went over michelle's and those nights were amazing. i played with her boys and held her baby...and there is nothing ever that could be greater than those moments with those kids...and the memories i'll take back with me from those days.

but then today comes. and i'm stuck at home. cause i've got nothing to do, and everybody else is to busy for me. i've never been popular and i know i never will be...but you think at least for a week i could find stuff to do to keep busy and out of the house. and then tomorrow's thanksgiving...i hope to just make it through with the best attitude i can possibly muster.
mood: angry
(0) rain_drops

try to put the past behind, try and maybe i can find, better days ~miley cyrus

Nov 16th, 2007 1:48:10 pm - Subscribe

if i thought the voices of doubt were loud the last time...they are louder than ever now.

all i can think about is home. i'm going home tomorrow for a week...and then two weeks after that i'll be home again for christmas break...which is like a month long...and i'm scared now more than ever to go home, to face my family, the life i once lived in that very house, in my very room. existing in the same house with these people i call my this place that should be called a home....the walls crushing me with memories of growing up there....the ugly words exchanged...the fighting that took place....the shame and worthlessness i felt while living under that roof...

and my mom...who always called me dramatic...writing this i feel like i may be...writing all this i feel like i might be making it seem worse that it really was, is...but it doesn't stop the fact that the tears rolled down my cheeks this morning as i was curled up in my bed trying to nap...trying to block out these voices that are ready to take me down. ready to see me fail. it doesn't stop the fact that i feel all alone and scared...and i really don't know how strong i really am. can i fight it? can i make the most of this back home?

so i'm scared. i'm hoping i can keep busy hanging out at my friend's house with their kids...and maybe i'll even see adrian some...she told me she'd call me when hanging out with some of our old friends morgan and brit. if i can even call them my old friends. but anyways, i have to work at the library now, and then my mom and sis should be here a little after that to spend the night...and we head home tomorrow. i really hope i can make it...
mood: scared
(0) rain_drops

that old familar fear is tearing at my words, what am i so afraid of ~casting crowns

Nov 11th, 2007 11:03:17 pm - Subscribe

i remember what i was going to write about last night. amy and i were talking on aim about how my life has changed since she's graduated...and i hope she doesn't mind me putting this up, but i doubt she reads this anymore...

anyways, i was telling her how well i'm doing now and how things have changed since she's been here, and she asks this question...

her: what are you doing to protect yourself

and that threw me off for a second. it made me wonder. what am i really doing? nothing. sure i may be going to the river, praying, reading the bible...but am i really prepared for satan's next attack???? and then she continues to write...

her: im just so proud of you, you are doing so much and going out having fun, writing . when we are able to feel the Joy that God has for us sometimes the thought of bad goes away , kinda if you know what I mean. And from experience, if you walk in that joy but not prepare for the next time in your life, you might fall hard and wonder where the heck this weight came from. I cant tell you how to prepare other than flooding your mind with Gods truth of who he is , so when the dark does come you can yell the truth at it and shield the lies. I hope that make sense. I wish i was there to see you too but it makes me happy enough to just hear from you

and then i wonder....will i really make it. i know i need to follow her advice. but it just seems so hard. and i don't know, in a way her encouraging advice just seems to weigh me down tonight. because i know trouble is coming. in fact, it may come in a week...when i'm back at home. and then at church sunday, the preacher was talking about making promises to god about not doing a certain sin anymore and then failing. and always doing what you said you wouldn't..and it just felt like in my mind, he was going on and on about it, i'm sure he wasn't. maybe it was the voice of doubt in my head going on and on. you will not make it. you've never made it before. why would this time be different. you fell before, the next time will be harder and harder. and on and on, it seems like the people and the places where you're supposed to be lifted up the most are now weighing me down. and discouraging me. and i don't know.

so the bad has gone away, but it's coming back. maybe it's already here. maybe this is what i should have been preparing for. shielding myself from the doubtful voices that have infiltrated my mind right now. but i think it's too late. i've already let them in...and my mind is too weak to stop them. what will i do to protect myself? will a promise made to God withstand my previous failures and stumbling. and then when i just think about these things, it tears me up inside and just more than ever i want to be that person again and just hurt myself to make me feel pain. to make me cry. to just let out all of the emotion and pain that still seems to be inside of me that i've learned very well to keep well hidden. i don't know if someone who's never been here will ever understand the need for self-harm to feel feel peace, control..and the need to feel the physical pain in hopes of drowning out the emotional pain and the hurting heart. and then i wonder why so often i've tried to explain it to people..and they don't understand? does that mean they've never felt the depth of the pain i've felt...and if so, why not? or maybe i'm just more in touch with my emotions...maybe that's the thoughtful, writing, side of me...and then i wonder why i have to be like that. and why i can't just heal...completely.

i thought this was well behind. but maybe not. and am i prepared for the next attack satan will throw at me? am i prepared to keep my promise to i prepared for this last week of school...or to go home for thanksgiving...

perhaps not.

i need help.

i just need a good cry. and then someone to talk to. maybe michelle...but lately the only advice she's been giving me is to go to counseling. and that's good and all, but i never ever want to go's just the stubborn side of me. i know people in the counseling department. i'd rather go back home, where i used to go to. i liked her. alot. i don't need another stranger to talk to. or another strange place. i just need to get this out and then stop thinking about it, before it gets me even more down then i already am...
mood: discouraged
(0) rain_drops

the little voice in my head won't let me forget ~hilary duff

Nov 10th, 2007 9:36:06 pm - Subscribe

only it did let me forget.'ll understand as you read on...

i went over this 16 year olds house today to watch the new episode of hannah montana. she came to my dorm room for awhile and we watched a little of the dvds i had. and then we went and picked up some pizza and headed over to her house. we watched the old episodes that were on tv, one of which i hadn't seen yet...and then we watched some other shows, had a mini dance party cause i brought along my cds and then we watched the new episode of hannah montana that came on at was amazing. a great episode. probably one of the best..and then she took me back here, to the dorm.

i went for a walk tonight and it was freezing cold. i still walked for about 40 min. and ya know what? i was thinking about something great to write. really. it was brillant and the words were forming in my head in complete clear sentences i was sure i wouldn't forget this time..and now, here i am...and my mind is blank.

so i thought i'd write about watching the latest hannah montana...i don't know what else to do, i'd go to bed cause i'm extremely tired but my roommate and some girls are in the room watching a movie...kinda like last night. and again it's not a movie i really wanna watch. but i don't mind. i probably wouldn't go to sleep anyways, maybe i'll just lay down for a few min. i think i got too excited tonight with the hannah montana thing and i wore myself out!
mood: tired
(0) rain_drops

will somebody save me...or will i get burned... ~hilary duff

Nov 7th, 2007 5:46:28 pm - Subscribe

thinking always makes trouble for me. and i've been thinking alot lately. and all i wanna do is lay in my bed and cry. it's been so long since i've done this. it's actually surprising to me. i don't think it's been this long in awhile. life used to be so miserable..and now it's not. but i think what makes it hard is coping with the change. the fact that i am better, every day...but there's something i miss about the familiar chaos and trouble in my life...that sometimes i wish it was back to this. because at least i knew how to deal with that. this strange territory i wander is so unfamiliar and unnerving to me. i don't know what to do. i don't feel my emotions are ok unless i do cry. i feel i'm just floating through life and not touching base with my thoughts and feelings...if that makes any sense.

in other words. i'm fine and that's what scares me. maybe i'm just overanalyzing things. what will it take to get the words that write their never ending stories out of my head. because it's like the words just develop and form into beautiful thoughts, poetry...stories...and yet i take out my notebook and i draw a blank. maybe the words are never meant to be written. maybe i don't have to prove to anyone that i'm a writer...maybe i'm just too bored to do anything else at this moment but write all the stupid things that come into my mind first off.

so what else am i thinking? about thanksgiving break. how bad i don't want to go to my house, to my family, but how bad i want to see all my kids and friends. i really miss michelle, i've talked to her so much this past week and i really need to just talk to her face to face. i miss her boys too...and i want to hold the baby again. but i'm scared to go home because i'm scared to be tempted again...just being around my family, the tension, the fighting...the painful memories.

i remember last year...back in jan. i tried the whole new years resolution thing for a first. i wrote in my journal that i would never ever scratch or try to choke myself..or anything in the year 2006. and guess how far i got. all the way to thanksgiving. it was amazing that i lasted that long..but at the same time, it was very sad...i was very disappointed in myself. not only that, but then i burned myself with my straightener a few times, something I had never done before. i felt so guilty and horrible. but not only that, i just let it go again and again or whenever i felt like it. to where it became a little habit of mine again and i walked around with a cloud of guilt surrounding me everywhere i went...and everyone i talked to i had to lie today and it made me feel like such a horrible person. and then the ppl i did tell, i just felt like i was letting them down, again and again and again. and then this year, on my 20th bday i decided again i was going to try that commitment. but i promised God this time that i would never ever return to my "teenage habit" as i called it. it had already been 4 months at that time...and now it's been like 6 months. and some of those times have been the roughest that i can remember in my life. there's something about restraint and self-control that makes things so hard. holding back is so much tougher than just giving in.

and i'm just afraid over this thanksgiving break...that i won't be strong enough again. i've been keeping my nails as short as i can and painting them black again, just so i can be reminded every time i see them, not to do it. that it's a disgusting awful habit, and it's not me. it's not who i am and it's not who i want to be anymore. i will not let it define me. but last month, over and over again, i could just imagine what it'd be like to do worse to myself or just to scratch myself again. to pick up that razor for the first time and glide it against my skin. but i knew i could never do it. it would only make things worse. but it doesn't stop me from wanting to write about it and get the desire out, to express it in words so that maybe that will satisfy me enough for the moment. does that make me an awful person? i guess it's a good thing that i've been reading the bible and praying maybe that i'll pray that God just gives me the strength to deal with home life and with that i will not resort to hurting myself as a means to cope ever again. that's just been on my mind alot this week and i'll bet even more as thanksgiving break approaches.

so that's mostly what i wanted to get out tonight. i've kinda been avoiding the topic since it scares me somewhat...but i'd rather get my thoughts out then leave them up in my head to destroy me again. i'll probably go to bed early since i don't really have much homework and i'm not really in a people hanging mood tonight....just in the mood to have a good cry but i probably won't be able to cause i have no idea what my roommate is doing. i would hate for her to walk in here and me be crying and then trying to convince her that i really am fine. cause i am. ppl just need to let out their emotions every now and then...and this is how i'm letting mine out for now...
mood: thinking
(0) rain_drops

when you feel like life's too much... ~seventh day slumber

Nov 4th, 2007 2:51:22 pm - Subscribe

(myspace blog...figured i might as well put it on here as well...)

i've been reminiscing on the past alot lately. i've gone through some old journals i wrote it, not finding much since i've relied mostly with online blogs and such...but i've pulled quotes, and clips from old entries starting a little more than two years ago and ending with a couple of days ago. to read the past writings of mine..and then today’'s truly amazing that i am where i am today. i never thought i'd make it this far...

August 22, 2005

i feel like i'm getting better. some days are still really really hard, but ti's a start. and i will try the bet i can to continue the devos i started on. i can do this...i can do it this time. and i will not let myself fall harder than the first time. or the first major fall from Christ in my life.

"We cannot hold to Him when our hands are filled with everything else."

most of all, i need to give up my anger to follow God again. i've tried counselor mentioned it today...i need to quit holding grudges and anger against people, especially God. hand it over to Him and trust Him to fix it. trust that his ways are much better than mine and will lead to pure joy again...if only it were that easy.

August 30, 2005

"Remember, God promised to hold on to you no matter what. Jesus vowed to never let anyone or anything snatch you out of His hand. You can hold on to Him because He is holding on to you."

i just wish it wasn't so hard to believe. maybe i just need more time, i just jumped into this thing again and i'm not sure about it all...again. cause it feels like God let it go for am i NOT supposed to believe that--with what i've been through. i guess the only thing i can hope and pray for is that it won't happen least not this far--help me not to slip this far away again's too much pain...

October 1, 2005

i've heard it been said a million times. "life is like a roller coaster" and i suppose it's said because of all the ups and downs life has. but i wonder did anyone ever consider that the christian walk is like a roller coaster? because you start off going up this huge hill--getting to know God, loving Him, trusting Him--and you're way up high on top of this huge hill, everything seems perfect and then...wham. something happens and you fall straight down. oh it's just a little test Satan is throwing your way, yet you still fall further and further away...then you get back up and fall again. it's this continuous cycle yet no matter how hard you try you can never seem to get to that point you were at the beginning. you can never get higher on a roller coaster than that first hill...and that's how my life feels right now. no matter how hard i try or don't try...i can never seem to get to that "height" again with God. or maybe i'm just stuck on one of those small hills and then the roller coaster falls backwards...down the hill...

October 14, 2005

because of how i treated others in the youth group at church in the past, makes it difficult for me now. no one feels like they can talk to me or something. but that's the thing, i want to talk to them now, i don't wanna push them away anymore. but most of the time, i'm just ignored and left out now and that's cause of how i reacted to them before when they tried including me in things. no matter what i'm determined to try and be happy and pretend i'm having fun. cause if i pretend enough, i'm going to start feeling it right? ok, no more writing for self-pity. loneliness. depression. sadness. stay between the pages of this journal. stay here--i don't want you to lie with me for the next couple of fact, i don't want you at all. leave me alone. let me be who i am without you. i don't want you--you destroy me--stay away!!

November 6, 2005

i hope i learned something the past 6 months, after being asked to leave the small group i was in at church with the girls my age. one thing i'm hoping i learned is the importance of accountability even if i was booted out of the group, so to say...i'm thinking i realize the need to talk to people good luck to me on this journey of mine. i'm going to try as hard as i can to get something out of this new devo i'm grow and to accept more about God...and all that junk i've rejected for the last couple of years, i'm hoping to become less hard-hearted--more open...vulnerable, and willing to change...

January 5, 2006

"i'm running away...cause i just can't deal with this pain" ~Seventh Day Slumber

here i am--same old me--disgusting, filthy, unclean--sinful...and emotional...i run to my room again with my hand pressed against my chest. the same old familiar hurt starts up again for no reason at all it seems . but there must be a reason. but i run to my room anyways, shut and lock the door, and then crumble to the floor pressing my cheek against the rough, itchy carpet, grabbing on tightly, as tights as i can and shutting my eyes as the tears spill from my eyes. after a couple of minutes i clench my jaw tight thinking this is so pathetic. i get up, wipe my tears, walk out and head to the bathroom to rinse my face. five days into the new year and i cannot count the number of tears i've cried nor the reasons....the all...too familiar...

May 30, 2007

i just don't understand how the pain can last so long...that no matter what, here it is...dwelling inside of me...making me miserable. when will it stop? when will it end? why can't i find the words to describe the deep pain i feel inside right now? what exactly triggers it? i know holding things in is never good but a couple hours early i was fine, enjoying myself..and now i'm such a mess. the deep thorn sticking me in the flesh is back now. making my very soul bleed...blood red. hurt trickles down my cheeks in what one may call tears. my arm hurts as i grip this pen so tight as if somehow pressing it to this paper and writing everything will make it go away...will make it stop. if only it would. i know it's been forever, but for some reason right now, i just needed to write the words out...not type them like i do most of the time...i need God again..not that i know i ever had him but i know i need him...cause if i have God i can ask him to provide me with a friend right now, right friend that i can truly talk to who has time for me. oh how i wish God was here right now to take this pain away...because this moment...i need Him more than ever before.

July 20, 2007

"you wouldn't be who you are if you hadn't been where you've been"

"How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? ~Ps. 13:1-2

i don't think anything i write will turn out as beautifully written as that is. in it's pain, i see the beauty in the writing. maybe God sees beauty in me. and i hope it doesn't take this long for me to open up the bible again.

July 28, 2007

michelle asked me the other day why i'm having such a problem with talking to God and reading his word. she was asking's not his fault? and i just said yeah it is...but if it's not. who cares. i still seem stuck in this anger that i've been in for she pointed out again to me..and who knows when i'll be done...through. when will i believe again? when will i trust God? after thinking about how horrible this week started off...i kinda wonder why, if it was meant to me. i have a strong desire, a dream to write..and well, maybe that's from God. maybe it is my gift that He's given me, to help others who are also hurting--to identify with them like the authors of the books i've read. but it's scary to think that i could become a writer...putting my stuff out there, who knows. but i'm so inspired by books, song lyrics...everything. but there's so many books and songs already dealing with these issues, why should i add to it? what else can i say that they haven't already. i haven't a clue. but maybe this is something i have to do for myself, to find out who i am, to find out who God is. maybe it is all for me this time. i'm just so scared and confused about what to do now...i'm listening to Plumb right now and she keeps saying over and over again..."i must go on" an that's what i need to do right now...i must go on.

October 31, 2007

inspiration ensues me..i can't stop thinking or writing...i want to capture beauty as it was meant to be...all colorful and serene. yes, i think i've found my solace...
"We build our houses on a flood of pain and then scold God when the river rises. ~from the book Angry with God

November 2, 2007

i believe that silence holds the key to all of life's answers. just think about it. here, in the woods overlooking the river, i've found a place where i can come and hr or two at a tie just to still, be still...silent. and i've found meaning and purpose in life. i've found comfort and joy. i think i may even have found God...after all this time. the God who i pushed away, He never abandoned me...and He was waiting for me to seek Him out again, and so i have...will all the situations in my life, i never trusted Him nor relied on Him for answers...instead i took it upon myself to figure this complicated world out. and that's why i failed, numerous times. over and over again...God doesn't always help us out when we cry out to Him because He wants us to learn and experience the consequences of our choice in order to grow...and that's just a hard lesson to learn...why did it take me until 20 to figure that out? all these years of struggling and brokenness...but i suppose it's evident how i've grown since then now. and i did learn something. i learned something huge...


"if i dare to embrace my sorrow, if i dare to acknowledge my broken faith, will i find that i am holding nothing? that the faith i seek comes only to those who are put-together, pretending, and whole? if i reach into these dark corners of my soul searching for treasure, for purpose, will my hands come up empty?"

"i believe. i want to believe. be present in the depths of my unbelief.

~from Renee Altson's book Stumbling Toward Faith

"teardrops vanish in a moment. rainbows hang over me. darkness fading. i know the sky will break and bleed its light and kiss my face with mercy. i'll endure the rain. i will wait an hour more. not sure if i'll see anything…can i wait here anymore? i'll endure the rain. ~Plumb
mood: reminiscent
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is there any way you can forgive me for what i've done ~plumb

Nov 3rd, 2007 9:26:00 pm - Subscribe

i was rereading this book today on the way to and from the mountains...and i just love everything in this book. it's so amazing. it's like a memoir of this girl's life and her words are pure poetry. and when they're not...they still hold that poetic nature about them...anyways, here's a few of the quotes i wrote down...(((or alot..i can't help it..i'm a quote fanatic!)))

"i don't even know what home means, except that i long for it. i long to heal, to have this yearning chasm inside of me filled, to believe in something bigger than me, holier than i dare to imagine, more gracious and full of kindness than i dare to wish for."

"i understand the desperation of wanting God and not being able to find him. i share that desperation still."

"if i dare to embrace my sorrow, if i dare to acknowledge my broken faith, will i find that i am holding nothing? that the faith i seek comes only to those who are put-together, pretending, and whole? if i reach into these dark corners of my soul searching for treasure, for purpose, will my hands come up empty?"

"how can i begin to find a connection with my worth in the eyes of God when i am drowning in what i was told about who i am, what i am, when i see myself through my own eyes as incapable of being loved?"

"oh god that is bigger than me.
oh god that is bigger than
daily devotionals,
perfect answers
and unholy pretending.

i believe.
i want to believe.
be present in the depths of my unbelief."

"in desperation i raced toward things that pretended to ease the loneliness, the aching yearning broken emptiness i could never explain."

"the cathartic release that followed "inner healing" or deliverance session gave me a sense of wholeness, a connection to some kind of temporary superpower, a conviction of resolution."

"but when the pain, struggle, and doubt returned, it swept me under its power, and i found myself overwhelmed, feeling helpless, unloved, unvalued, and unsaved."

"my grip was empty. my belief was shallow. my pain was buried beneath a facade that only looked good on the outside."

"when the hollow emptiness of my spirituality crashed into me, when i was alone with my lingering discontent, i was disillusioned with what i thought was my faith. it had no lasting solutions, nothing that wasn't based on pretenses. it had no real depth."

"my blackness, my dirty, disgusting filth"

"i wished for an escape--for my own end, for my own nothingness, for some kind of redemption at the conclusion of it all."

"furtive scribbling of cryptic sins on torn shreds of notebook paper"

"how can i reconcile the pain and sadness of the past to this present moment, to this overwhelming feeling, this certainty: i am not good enough. i am never good enough."

~stumbling toward faith
by: renee altson

i long to be able to write like that. to pose insightful questions like that covered in words like this...but when i can't...i just write the words of others..and dwell on that...
mood: dramatic
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