(myspace blog...figured i might as well put it on here as well...)
i've been reminiscing on the past alot lately. i've gone through some old journals i wrote it, not finding much since i've relied mostly with online blogs and such...but i've pulled quotes, and clips from old entries starting a little more than two years ago and ending with a couple of days ago. to read the past writings of mine..and then today’s...it's truly amazing that i am where i am today. i never thought i'd make it this far...
August 22, 2005
i feel like i'm getting better. some days are still really really hard, but ti's a start. and i will try the bet i can to continue the devos i started on. i can do this...i can do it this time. and i will not let myself fall harder than the first time. or the first major fall from Christ in my life.
"We cannot hold to Him when our hands are filled with everything else."
most of all, i need to give up my anger to follow God again. i've tried before..my counselor mentioned it today...i need to quit holding grudges and anger against people, especially God. hand it over to Him and trust Him to fix it. trust that his ways are much better than mine and will lead to pure joy again...if only it were that easy.
August 30, 2005
"Remember, God promised to hold on to you no matter what. Jesus vowed to never let anyone or anything snatch you out of His hand. You can hold on to Him because He is holding on to you."
i just wish it wasn't so hard to believe. maybe i just need more time, i just jumped into this thing again and i'm not sure about it all...again. cause it feels like God let it go for awhile...how am i NOT supposed to believe that--with what i've been through. i guess the only thing i can hope and pray for is that it won't happen again...at least not this far--help me not to slip this far away again God...it's too much pain...
October 1, 2005
i've heard it been said a million times. "life is like a roller coaster" and i suppose it's said because of all the ups and downs life has. but i wonder did anyone ever consider that the christian walk is like a roller coaster? because you start off going up this huge hill--getting to know God, loving Him, trusting Him--and you're way up high on top of this huge hill, everything seems perfect and then...wham. something happens and you fall straight down. oh it's just a little test Satan is throwing your way, yet you still fall further and further away...then you get back up and fall again. it's this continuous cycle yet no matter how hard you try you can never seem to get to that point you were at the beginning. you can never get higher on a roller coaster than that first hill...and that's how my life feels right now. no matter how hard i try or don't try...i can never seem to get to that "height" again with God. or maybe i'm just stuck on one of those small hills and then the roller coaster falls backwards...down the hill...
October 14, 2005
because of how i treated others in the youth group at church in the past, makes it difficult for me now. no one feels like they can talk to me or something. but that's the thing, i want to talk to them now, i don't wanna push them away anymore. but most of the time, i'm just ignored and left out now and that's cause of how i reacted to them before when they tried including me in things. no matter what i'm determined to try and be happy and pretend i'm having fun. cause if i pretend enough, i'm going to start feeling it right? ok, no more writing for now...my self-pity. loneliness. depression. sadness. stay between the pages of this journal. stay here--i don't want you to lie with me for the next couple of days..in fact, i don't want you at all. leave me alone. let me be who i am without you. i don't want you--you destroy me--stay away!!
November 6, 2005
i hope i learned something the past 6 months, after being asked to leave the small group i was in at church with the girls my age. one thing i'm hoping i learned is the importance of accountability even if i was booted out of the group, so to say...i'm thinking i realize the need to talk to people now...so good luck to me on this journey of mine. i'm going to try as hard as i can to get something out of this new devo i'm starting...to grow and to accept more about God...and all that junk i've rejected for the last couple of years, i'm hoping to become less hard-hearted--more open...vulnerable, and willing to change...
January 5, 2006
"i'm running away...cause i just can't deal with this pain" ~Seventh Day Slumber
here i am--same old me--disgusting, filthy, unclean--sinful...and emotional...i run to my room again with my hand pressed against my chest. the same old familiar hurt starts up again for no reason at all it seems . but there must be a reason. but i run to my room anyways, shut and lock the door, and then crumble to the floor pressing my cheek against the rough, itchy carpet, grabbing on tightly, as tights as i can and shutting my eyes as the tears spill from my eyes. after a couple of minutes i clench my jaw tight thinking this is so pathetic. i get up, wipe my tears, walk out and head to the bathroom to rinse my face. five days into the new year and i cannot count the number of tears i've cried nor the reasons....the story...is all...too familiar...
May 30, 2007
i just don't understand how the pain can last so long...that no matter what, here it is...dwelling inside of me...making me miserable. when will it stop? when will it end? why can't i find the words to describe the deep pain i feel inside right now? what exactly triggers it? i know holding things in is never good but a couple hours early i was fine, enjoying myself..and now i'm such a mess. the deep thorn sticking me in the flesh is back now. making my very soul bleed...blood red. hurt trickles down my cheeks in what one may call tears. my arm hurts as i grip this pen so tight as if somehow pressing it to this paper and writing everything will make it go away...will make it stop. if only it would. i know it's been forever, but for some reason right now, i just needed to write the words out...not type them like i do most of the time...i need God again..not that i know i ever had him but i know i need him...cause if i have God i can ask him to provide me with a friend right now, right here...one friend that i can truly talk to who has time for me. oh how i wish God was here right now to take this pain away...because now...in this moment...i need Him more than ever before.
July 20, 2007
"you wouldn't be who you are if you hadn't been where you've been"
"How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? ~Ps. 13:1-2
i don't think anything i write will turn out as beautifully written as that is. in it's pain, i see the beauty in the writing. maybe God sees beauty in me. and i hope it doesn't take this long for me to open up the bible again.
July 28, 2007
michelle asked me the other day why i'm having such a problem with talking to God and reading his word. she was asking why..it's not his fault? and i just said yeah it is...but if it's not. who cares. i still seem stuck in this anger that i've been in for years...as she pointed out again to me..and who knows when i'll be done...through. when will i believe again? when will i trust God? after thinking about how horrible this week started off...i kinda wonder why, if it was meant to me. i have a strong desire, a dream to write..and well, maybe that's from God. maybe it is my gift that He's given me, to help others who are also hurting--to identify with them like the authors of the books i've read. but it's scary to think that i could become a writer...putting my stuff out there, who knows. but i'm so inspired by books, song lyrics...everything. but there's so many books and songs already dealing with these issues, why should i add to it? what else can i say that they haven't already. i haven't a clue. but maybe this is something i have to do for myself, to find out who i am, to find out who God is. maybe it is all for me this time. i'm just so scared and confused about what to do now...i'm listening to Plumb right now and she keeps saying over and over again..."i must go on" an that's what i need to do right now...i must go on.
October 31, 2007
inspiration ensues me..i can't stop thinking or writing...i want to capture beauty as it was meant to be...all colorful and serene. yes, i think i've found my solace...
"We build our houses on a flood of pain and then scold God when the river rises. ~from the book Angry with God
November 2, 2007
i believe that silence holds the key to all of life's answers. just think about it. here, in the woods overlooking the river, i've found a place where i can come and hr or two at a tie just to still, be still...silent. and i've found meaning and purpose in life. i've found comfort and joy. i think i may even have found God...after all this time. the God who i pushed away, He never abandoned me...and He was waiting for me to seek Him out again, and so i have...will all the situations in my life, i never trusted Him nor relied on Him for answers...instead i took it upon myself to figure this complicated world out. and that's why i failed, numerous times. over and over again...God doesn't always help us out when we cry out to Him because He wants us to learn and experience the consequences of our choice in order to grow...and that's just a hard lesson to learn...why did it take me until 20 to figure that out? all these years of struggling and brokenness...but i suppose it's evident how i've grown since then now. and i did learn something. i learned something huge...
"if i dare to embrace my sorrow, if i dare to acknowledge my broken faith, will i find that i am holding nothing? that the faith i seek comes only to those who are put-together, pretending, and whole? if i reach into these dark corners of my soul searching for treasure, for purpose, will my hands come up empty?"
"i believe. i want to believe. be present in the depths of my unbelief.
~from Renee Altson's book Stumbling Toward Faith
"teardrops vanish in a moment. rainbows hang over me. darkness fading. i know the sky will break and bleed its light and kiss my face with mercy. i'll endure the rain. i will wait an hour more. not sure if i'll see anything…can i wait here anymore? i'll endure the rain. ~Plumb