i hate my computer sometimes. i've tried typing an entry in here four times already..and it keeps messing up and disappearing. i'm not meant to write about my feelings..i'm not meant to write about how angry i am now..or how much i just wanna cry right now. i hate this. i hate it. i hate it. why won't it just work??? why can't i write in here??? why is my computer screwed up......yet i try to write once again...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

i hate home..but i wanna go home....i want to soo badly...i miss michelle...i miss my kids...

i really wanna cry..why can't i just do it and get it over with..why won't my computer work long enough for me to decently write about how frustrated and angry i am...

stupid.

so i hate valentine's day...but didn't remember why til a couple days ago..then i was like stupid memories...why did you have to remind me of what happened a few years ago??? why? if only i hadn't read that journal entry...why did i have my journals out that day? it doesn't matter, i would have remembered anyhow...but i don't even remember for sure if it was valentine's day or the day after, but i guess it doesn't matter, it just revolved around that day enough that the memory was engraved in my mind...forever it seems...i can't let it go..not now...for now i will continue to hold that against my dad..i'm not ready to forgive him or stop hating him quite yet.

but i did get a valentine's gift in the mail from michelle and her kids riley and blake..and then another one from debbie and her kids molly and maggie..and it was really sweet of them to send me stuff...and that just makes me wanna go home all the more..and the fact that i talked to michelle on the phone today and she was telling me about all the kids at church and what's been going on..and how riley keeps asking when i'm coming home. she said at the end of feb. her husband is going on a trip or something and that if i come home that weekend i can hang out at her house...so now me and my roommate are trying to go home that weekend cause she's been wanting to also...and i miss my friends..and kids back home. jennifer emailed me today and that just reminded me that i hadn't talked to her in awhile either and it's kinda sad...i don't wanna forget them..i do miss talking to them..it's just that i've become so busy here that i don't even have time to think sometimes...tonight i tried to be alone in my room for the night, but there's just too many ppl here...sometimes it can be really annoying because i need my alone time...badly...i need my time to feel sad, depressed..time to myself to just cry and feel lonely..and then i can just get over it and hang out with ppl and have fun..but that hasn't happened in a long time..and i've become really stressed out.

so tomorrow...after work..and after the dreaded small group meeting where i talk about how i'm a failure at life basically...i will take some time to spend with myself..me and myself alone..because many girls on the hall are going to this valentine's dinner thing that i'm not going to...so..until tomorrow...