Wow, what a day this has been. I typed my blog and then when i went to add it, i had forgot my subject line and lost the whole thing. So now i have to type another one. I figure whatever i typed i could type again since they're my thoughts.

So i have been feeling pretty happy today, which is unusual for me and I think it was because i went for a bike ride over to my friend's house yesterday. And I hung out with her and her kids. It was a lot of fun, but then I love kids, so of course i had fun with them. But then when i think about it, i'm not as happy as i was yesterday night, it's like my happiness is fading and there's only one thing that will keep me truly happy but i think i've kinda rejected that, abandoned God even. And here's the sad part, i've abandoned him when i need him most. I just think maybe i'm questioning him or maybe i don't really believe he can help me, but then i know that's wrong, but i feel like i just can't help thinking it. I know in my head what's right and stuff but not in my heart. And I know i can't rely on my feelings either. But like i just said, i know it in my head...Ahhh, it just overwhelms me so much sometimes. I hate it, I wish it could all end somehow. I wish there was a way all the pain could just disappear, all the hurt, and all my hopelessness.

Sometimes the sadness just creeps up on me...like it just did now...I started off happy but then when i started writing my thoughts and feelings, it came...so it won't be that long before i'm in the same trap i was into last week, with the tears gracing my cheeks every night. And i know i shouldn't think like that, but really, that's my reality. Which is why i was glad i was in a good mood yesterday because anytime the depressing thoughts might have slipped into my brain, i just thought of how much fun i had...How lucky i am to have a friend that lets me hang out at her house. How much young kids mean to me in my life. And this is something i've discussed with my counselor before and she thinks the reason i love kids so much, is their innocence and their williness to accept me for who i am. And i know i love it when the kids on wed. night just get so excited to see me and wave...it's just so great to see their eyes light up and a smile spread across their faces, and for what, to see me.

But today it was raining, so i couldn't bike to clear my head which is why i'm typing all this. To clear my head of my confusing thoughts...I just feel so lost sometimes and feel i know what i should be doing, but i'm not doing it, and that just makes me feel a whole lot worse sometimes. But then i shouldn't rely totally on my feelings now should I? So i should just do something about it, but i'm just so worn out and tired of all of this.

Even with this, i'm so confused, my thoughts are so jumbled and confused, jumping from one thing to the next, but i'm just glad it's here for me to use...I guess that's enough for now, i have to leave anyways since i've been on all afternoon. I need to get started on my meaningless hw, but i'll end with lyrics from the song "more than useless" because it's what i'd like to believe and it's what i know is true, but sometimes it's hard to know if you really believe something or not...I've listened to this song so many times and i've read the lyrics over and over again.~

More than Useless
By: Relient K

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

What's the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think
that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why,
why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trival, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think
that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why,
why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time, it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

~~