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rain_drop and when you think you've gone too far, i'll meet you where you are~SDS - Subscribe
wow, so much has happened...and yet i still don't feel much like writing on here. so sunday night, i ended up calling val...like i'm supposed to and she told me to do some breathing exercises and stuff like that...it was weird at first cause i hadn't talked to her in so long, but then she was asking about my meds and stuff like that which was good, cause that's what i was blogging about before i called her...hmm..and i ended up feeling better afterwards and going to bed early around 11:30...that was nice cause i forgot i had school registration the next day and my mom woke me up at 9...now if i had stayed up really late, i would have been in such a bad mood..but i felt rested.

and then...i had to go to that dreaded high school...superchick hit it dead on when they made the song about it and at the end...they said "stupid high school"...haha so right...anyways i got my schedule those things are never final though...but if they are i have three classes with kristen this year! i didn't have any classes with her last year...i was supposed to, but the first day of school, my schedule was changed. so we'll see how that goes. if it stays, i'll also be able to eat lunch with her too...

and let's see..after that i called val back cause she told me to..she wanted to know how my night went..and how i was doing...then i was fine...great..well, not really great, but close enough.

and then later on i went to counseling...and well, it was time i guess...my counselor explained to me how she had to tell my mom about how i hurt myself...the scratching and the choking..so she did, i stayed in the waiting area...that's all i feel like saying now, i was really angry at first, but i don't know now...my mom hasn't said anything yet, so it's been ok...

wow..ok like 5 ppl were trying to talk to me at once just now, sooo now it's finally calmed down..hehe and maybe i can refocus on here again, but the fact is, i don't know what's wrong, why i don't feel like doing this lately..

sooo after i got home monday, i used my hr. limit at a time on the net while my mom and dad were fighting...then i went upstairs to my room..to do guess what??? cry..yup... i was just so angry..so i called britney. and we talked, longer than i'm supposed to, but really i couldn't just hang up. i was crying the whole time i was on the phone...she just kept asking me all these hard questions...or at least i thought they were hard, anybody else could have probably easily answered them...but i stayed on the phone with her til the stupid phone died...and it hadn't been used all day for long times, it's just a stupid phone, won't last tooo long.

so i felt much calmer after that..but i had a huge headache and stomach..i felt so sick like i was about to throw up. so i laid there..for awhile. and then the phone actually rang..i thought it was dead a few min. ago? it was val, but i had to get the downstairs phone cause it was bout to go dead again..so i talked to her for a few min. she wanted to know how the day went...and then my brother came down and started bugging me..see that's why i stay in my room when i'm on the phone in the first place...cause ppl bug me when i'm down here. but anyways i was just glad she called me...first...

and today started off good...which was good. i actually did my devo in the morning and i thought about what brit and i talked about, so i prayed....not that i could say it was a great experience and i just felt sooo good afterwards...but...it's a start i guess.

then me and my sister went to swim...then i babysat..then we swam again...blah blah, stayed on the internet for 3 hrs. without my mom knowing, went for a bike ride...which btw was really good. i hadn't rode really fast for awhile now, cause it's so hot, so i'd take it slow..but this time...i waited til 9 at night to bike and it was cooler out, so i rode as fast as i could the whole way...my chest was burning, my lungs were burning, my legs were burning...but it felt sooo good...

and well, now i'm on here which i probably should've got off awhile ago cause the past two nights i fell asleep around 11:30 (amazing huh?) but i had started this..so i decided to finish it! oh and i kept my musik off last night...and here it is...~later~

...wow it's midnight already...
1 Comments
Mood: calm

rain_drop the only thing that matters is that you get away from the pain...~Mae Aug 4th, 2005 3:16:54 am - Subscribe
HA! i was just talking to a friend from school..and she was gonna leave and i told her i'd blog...she told me to do that and she'd read them later. HA! no she won't....unless she ever finds me on here herself...i don't know. i can't let everyone know, only a select few..and my net friends...why? i haven't a clue...maybe cause i don't have to see those ppl...

today was really really boring in fact. and i wasn't gonna blog but now i found out i'm babysitting the whole day tomorrow, nothing like the last min...huh? and well i might not be on in awhile. cause friday i leave for the senior retreat with my church and don't get back til sunday. soo....

i went to the free movie in the morning...it's bookworm wed. or something like that. my sister reads a books, fills out a short book report thingy, and i take her to the movie, and it's free! so we saw Two Brothers today...that was sad...like all the way through til the end. and it was really long...it was only interesting when you saw the tigers and stuff..and i'm not really much into animals but i loved watching them..anyways..then we walked back home. wow, it's soo nice to get somewhere by myself, even if it is on my feet...hehe

but my mom signed me up for driver's ed today. i wished i could have done this sooner...cause i'm almost 18 but oh well. my mom didn't want me to take it at all...but my day INSISTED..and we HAVE to listen to him. here's what i don't get though..when i first got my permit almost 2 years ago...why did he tell me i didn't need driver's ed...when my mom was asking him about it...he told me i wasn't going to do that..and now he says i need it. ahh, it's so frustrating. but after that it means i'm getting my license. too bad i won't be able to drive the van to school, my mom's afraid it'll break down on me, so after i have my license i still would need a car. Sooo looks like i'll be riding the bus again this year..my senior year. i remember when us youngens on the bus were freshman we made fun of the 1 or 2 seniors on the bus...now that's me, although back then i figured it would be anyways...still...

well i was going to ask someone to come over today..but..i never did. and it got too late...i was hoping she would be on the internet cause i didn't feel like calling her...but i took the neighbor's grandkid and nephew and my sister swimming in the neighbor's pool...it seems like i've been swimming there alot. it keeps me occupied, and i'm not at my own house. then i got on the internet for 2 hrs...way past my hr. limit. i don't think it applies at night though cause i've been on for well over an hr. now...no one tries calling here this late..so it doesn't matter.

oh yeah, and when my mom told me to get off earlier...i couldn't think of anything to do..and i was struck by a mood swing. that's always fun right? so i went to my room and just laid on my bed and the tears came...so i turned on the musik loud just cause, it makes me feel better to hear something other than my own crying. that didn't last too long though. cause i did some push ups and crunches again....because the anger started building inside me, geeze i have no idea why this starts happening, i just felt really lonely though, and i hate feeling like that. this has been a rough week for me it seems..and i thought about that....and yes, it's getting to that time of month again...*sigh*...but so far, i haven't hurt myself, i've just cried alot more...and thought about it alot...and again i gave myself a huge headache from all that crying..

hmm....there was something else i was going to say...oh a friend was supposed to come over today but i have to babysit the whole day so that won't work out. it's a relief to me though cause i really didn't want to watch some chinese movie with subtitles. i mean, really! and then i'm going on the retreat..and babysitting all next week, so i'll be busy...this week so far was kinda like my break from being busy with babysitting and i was kinda glad for a break at first, and now i wish i didn't have it...cause that just means more time to myself and more time on the internet and more time in my room...ahh..

but the shoes i ordered online came in the mail today. that was pretty neat. but they seem to be the same size as my old ones...i got half a size smaller...and they're still kinda big, i don't know..but i couldn't get a smaller size than 7 on the internet cause they were in the clearance section...my mom says i just need to get narrow, but they didn't have that on there either...nor in the stores....soo, i'll stick with them..it was just really cool getting shoes in the mail.

i wish someone else would get online so i could talk to them...but nobody's on...geeze, what's the point of having 20 or so buddies on my aim and no of them being there...or i have 30 in my yahoo..and their not on either, well the sn's i recognize, i got ppl i don't know in there, well they're all from tddm...but i still don't know them. and plus alot are probably online, they just stay invisible, i do that sometimes. oh i forgot to sign into my msn..maybe someone's on there... sad.gif nope, i guess i'll just have to get off and go to bed...hehe thanks for reading! wink.gif
3 Comments
Mood: extremely bored!
: Seventh Day Slumber

rain_drop and i believed it was true...my pain would never go away~7th Day Slumber Aug 5th, 2005 4:56:03 am - Subscribe
ahh you're hearing from me one last time...forever...not! j/k...but it will seem like that. so tomorrow's the senior retreat, i'm already nervous about that, cause well...i am. it's a trip...with a few ppl...and i will be away from everything that makes me feel safe or help me deal...hehe like the puter and my bike...or something. sooo....i can't go to sleep...i'll rest on the way instead...

so i babysat the whole day today and both boys were there this time jeremy and logan...now jeremy's older, going into 6th i think...logan's going into 4th...so they like to fight alot. so this time i had to watch em more than when logan's just there. basically keep em separated all day and make them work on their work. i feel sorry for them sometimes with the work they have to do...jeremy had a bunch of math pages to do and it was from a 7th grade math workbook and logan had a bunch of math to do too. but jeremy did enjoy reading time..hehe...he has that stupid new harry potter book and he read it for 2 or 3 hrs. i think....anyways, i actually finished my book that i started not that long ago.."blood sisters" and it was very good...i think i'm getting back into the reading just a little bit, or maybe it was the fact that i had no internet to get on...hmm..and i watched alot of tv..ok i actually watched gilmore girls for the first or second time...i think...and i have to admit it's a pretty good show...for only seeing it a couple times. i guess i never gave it a chance before, probably cause that channel doesn't come in well on our tv.

and that took up most of my day. i came home, hoping i could talk to perfect some...or sometime today, but we keep seeming to miss each other. i can only hope my comments and emails and PMs can help her through this difficult time in her life...if only..hmm...

oh and i did do a devo tonight..and it was about temptation...you know adam and eve and all...and i thought about the things that tempt me...self harm and stuff. so i was thinking, i've been thinking about it alot but i don't think i've done it for awhile. so i looked back on my blog and i'm thinking july 19 was the last..cause i also emailed val about that..and i haven't emailed her anymore...nor do i think i wrote about. so that's good...right? even though i really really was really bad..and wanted too 2 times this week and had just another hard night...well evening yesterday...is that enough reallys? oh..it just seems easier if i would have done it though cause really...i don't think i'd think about doing it as much if i did it. my mom said to me earlier that we had to talk about monday night still...and i simply replied in a cheerful tone, no we don't. ha that even surprised me. hmm..but she said we would tonight...and i knew we wouldn't. and guess what we didn't. how did i know that? cause i knew i'd be too busy and she'd be too busy to sit and talk. i had to pack for tonight, call someone for a ride tomorrow, renew my library books online that i'm failing to read...and ahhh get on here...soooo whatever.

you know something else i realized is this will be my 67th blog on here and so far...i haven't posted any private blogs..hmm i might wanna try that sometime. but then what's the difference? i just never think about making em private, i mean it's on the internet...just something i realized...

and here we return to the topic of the senior retreat. i'm hoping since it'll just be us seniors that ppl will actually talk to me, ha...just maybe..cause i do like to have some fun...some...but then again i'm mad at alot of ppl too..for doing nothing wrong. *sigh* i wish things were easier. and since it's one in the morning i should at least try and get some sleep...the quicker i fall asleep..the less worrying..right? i was just really hoping i could talk to perfect tonight, can someone else pleaseee talk to her for me, she needs a friend! happy.gif

ok, i think i'll get off now...and listen to some musik..and get all my crying out..so hopefully i can make it through the weekend...i shall be back sunday...it seems like forever...
3 Comments
Mood: nervous
: seventh day slumber

rain_drop you're young and depressed with no future in this loneliness~mxpx Aug 10th, 2005 3:49:35 am - Subscribe
ok, i was just about to go to bed...to get some peaceful sleep before i had to wake up at 6:40 in the morning to go babysit again..that's what i've been doing this week...except i can't get off now...because...

i've got no computer tomorrow...or the next day or the next...unless i talk to my mom...and now that i know this, i’m afraid to go to bed..cause i'm afraid of myself and afraid of my thoughts...and i'm really angry..and...

she wanted to talk to me before i left about monday's counseling...that was last week..but i was packing for my trip...then she told me right after i got back that we needed to talk..sunday...but i took a 2 hr. nap, then went to sun. night church..bike ride, some internet, and i was in bed by 11...i don't know how i managed to sleep that much but i did. and then last night, i was on here til midnight. and today, when she told me she wanted to talk to me sometime...i was reading my book for school like a good girl. ha! she told me that it wasn't important. but i'm actually reading the books. i mean i started my books monday and i finished one already so i decided to start a new one tonight. boring! but hey, i'm getting through em and yeah, avoiding talking to my mom even though i lied and told her i didn't start reading the book to avoid her.

here's what i think, it wouldn't be so bad if we were gonna talk like we kinda started to a couple weeks ago or soo.....but now in the present situation with what she knows i'm just not ready to talk to her....in fact, that is exactly why i haven't told her, cause i don't want to talk about it. i've already told plenty of ppl with whom i talk to about it...and well, i don't know why, i just don't want to talk to my mom, about this...so i'm grounded from here....the only thing i'm sorry about that is now i can't talk to perfect, or read her emails. i'm just glad my parents are computer illiterate unlike perfect's parents cause her dad found and read her blog....i don't know what i'd do if i found out my parents read this, i'd probably be really mad....and well...i don't even wanna talk about what i'd do..but now i understand why she did the things she did, cause really...i'd do some of the same things..just in different ways. and now she went to her old counselor she hadn’t seen in what? 3 years....which i think is really weird cause it's in the same house i go to...so if i went yesterday i probably would have seen her walking out being her appt was at 4 and mine's at 5...but i didn't go yesterday. her dad also knows she met me at church which, that's a little weird cause now i'm wondering if he has read my blog...if he's reading right now...hello!?! are you!?! freaky things happen....but really i think it's a good thing perfect and i can talk cause i know if i didn't talk to her, she probably would have refused to go back to that counselor..but she knows i'm going to one..soo...

enough about that, now i'm just really mad my mom's doing this to me. what does she think? that she can force me to talk to her about something i never wanted her to know if the first place? yes, i'm rebelling again and i'm being stubborn and i don't care because if i wanted to tell her and talk to her in the first place she wouldn't have sent me to talk to someone else about my problems.

oh yeah, and about the retreat...despite some things, it was really great. yeah, each of the sponsors there wrote us all letters and read em aloud. they were nice..lots of girls crying, not me...actually there were only 8 other seniors there, 3 of which were guys...anyways i don't know what's with that though cause i've read them over and over again after that...and shed a thousand tears but in there, my eyes didn't even burn with the need to cry. guess that's cause i'm in a room full of ppl looking at me, maybe my tears are scared of ppl...hehe that's a thought. or a bunch of ppl i'm not really close to...and it was hard at first, cause they were all seniors like me and it just seems like it's easier for me to talk to ppl younger than me like the freshmen or sophomores...and if you really want to go younger preschoolers. ha. anyways i was thinking of typing those letters in here...i don't know...i don't have em now and i'm not going upstairs atm. anyways later on that night, we went and got ice cream and in the van, some ppl were asking me to rap..how fun! really cause i remember many times my "friends" would always tell me to shut up when i was rapping..and well, they weren’t the ones asking though, i doubt they wanted to hear me rap...but oh well...

but i loved the lake, i kept swimming and swimming and swimming, it was relaxing..nice...peaceful...and beautiful...i love the nature, i loved the cabin we stayed in..and i just wish i could live out there by myself..i wonder if i was surrounded by things like that, if i'd still feel lonely...or if the trees and the water would keep me company...i'd still bring a computer....for communication..but i wouldn't spend as much time on it.

oh geeze, someone just asked me if i'd go to the mall with them. kristen..and yes, i'd like to get out go...except i'm babysitting...even though i hate the mall, i think i'd go with her....i'm pretty sure, cause she'd make the mall fun...the mall that i'd absolutely hate. hey, i'd still dress in what she calls my "basketball shorts and t-shirt"...cause really what fun would it be if i wasn't in my normal attire while she dressed up...hehe, maybe i could get her to wear long shorts too! ok..i'm really bored now, i just don't want to get off..and give up my last day on here...the good thing about the days to come is that i'll be gone almost the whole day babysitting...so i won't notice...the bad thing is..i will have to use the phone and call ppl..if i'm allowed cause...i'll be really really lonely and bored and...well, in my bad thoughts and moods..and whatever else you may call it. but i don't know what else to say right now, even though i know when i go upstairs i'll think of a million things i want to write on here...oh well...~later...hopefully not too much later~

oh i know, looking up lyrics..hehe i realize how much i really want the new mxpx cd "panic"...but i've spent too much money on cds lately and all they do is make me cry..soo that'll have to wait, i can still read the lyrics though..right?...what great lyrics..huh...yeah, yeah, i know...
3 Comments
Mood: angry

rain_drop i failed YOU, i'm SORRY, that's simply my LIFE story!~Mxpx Aug 11th, 2005 11:47:17 pm - Subscribe
so i'm on! not really fun though...just needed some time to think and write. so i got on yesterday anyways, my mom went to a meeting at church..then she got home. she started talking about my senior pixs and stuff and i don't know we just started arguing...i was about to go to bed...i didn't wanna hear her talk about it, i kept telling her i didn't care which made her madder...well, i said that cause anytime i tell her what i want she tells me it's too much money, we have to do it this way, so i told her to decide...yeah, she kept at it though so eventually we were screaming at each other, i was tired...getting up early makes me crankier..and well, it's that time...*sigh* so i was really upset and went to go to my room...she followed me and blocked the door. so i told her i had to go to the bathroom and she wouldn't let me out..so i opened the door with her sitting in front of it..i stubbed my toe. it still hurts. but i hid out in the bathroom for a little while..and well, by then i just really wanted to call someone..but i couldn't cause i know she wanted to talk to me but i didn't want to have to listen to her talk more about it, i just wanted to go to bed in the first place. so i waited for her to get out of my room before i went back in and locked the door. so there was no way i could've got a phone. it's times like this when a cell phone would be nice, cause i don't like her knowing when i'm calling ppl too, besides it was late, she either wouldn't let me..cause she was mad...or she'd ask me who i was calling and why...so i couldn't take it anymore...and well, i then my sister had to go to bed, so i had to let her in..and then once the lights were out, i was hidden in my own part of the room...and let the tears come and let the pain out...on my arms..on my stomach..on my legs...and on my throat...i burned everywhere from the scratches...and then i felt so guilty..but i really couldn't take it anymore...it was just like a release...from sooo long...from holding it all in, calling ppl...holding off...and you know, that time, it didn't seem like enough, my counselor told me that'd happen..and i knew i couldn't do anything more..so i put on my musik and i just cried and cried and cried. i wanted to scream. but after 10 more min. of that or so..i finally felt calm..and tired, i think i wore myself out..sooo i eventually fell asleep...and again had to wake up at 6:40 to get ready to babysit again...and it all seemed like a dream when i woke up..cause the scratch marks were gone..and my body didn't hurt..burn anymore...and i actually felt rested.

soo then later on my mom calls to ask if i want to take logan swimming...my cousins were coming over so they were all going to the pool..so i said ok. and when i got home my school counselor called me, oh how i wish i wasn't home yet, or nobody answered cause then i wouldn't call her back..but i had to talk to her....and this is what it was about...

my schedule has latin 4 scheduled for period 3, but the problem is they have 43 students signed up for latin 4 and they only have one class...so ppl are getting kicked out. i am getting kicked out. and why? simply cause my major is math and not foreign language. so my school counselor was going over all my other options. first of all, i don't like her to begin with...and she starts asking me if i'm taking any math courses and i say too..then if i'm taking physics..yes...then she asks if i'm taking stats, yes! see, so i need a fun class like latin. stupid school...i hate it!!! i absolutely hate it, and the one teacher i love, the one class i actually love, i'm getting kicked out of...unless i can do something about it, and yeah, this is something i'm gonna fight about. i don't think any kid should miss the opportunity of taking latin 4...there should be two classes...but anyways she said i could take humanities so i said ok, cause we had to leave to go swimming...i don't wanna take it, just another stupid class with a stupid book...while kids down on the first floor are having fun in latin. oh yeah, so then she reads out my schedule to me and i'm thinking duh! if you have it right in front of you, why were you asking if i was taking all these courses!! thao says she can be really stupid sometimes and i totally agree...like why would they kick a smart kid like me out of latin 4...kick out one of the dumb kids instead who are only majoring in foreign language so they can get 3 electives. so i'm thinking maybe it's not too late to change my major to foreign language cause all you need is to take 4 years of the same language which is what i was doing anyways, i thought it was obvious, guess not. just figured i'd put math on there since it sounded smarter to me...so either i'm going to call her back and ask if i can do that or get one of my friends who still has my latin teacher’s number to give it to me so i can call her cause i really am upset about this...it's the only way i'd survive school this year...i can't live without my dose of latin...i'm serious. it's the only fun i'd get in that stupid college prep school...if not i'm seriously thinking about home schooling myself. it can't be much different....either that or quitting school..all because i can't take latin...how funny is that? no...i couldn't do that...i wish...but really, i've already cried too much over this, i'm so emotional sometimes esp. when it comes to my favorite teacher and my favorite class...really how can i miss sewing a toga and having a toga party at then end of the year. and i'm in national latin honor's society so i should be able to take latin my senior year...stupid school! i hate it...

anyways so i'm on now to write all about how much life stinks right now!! well...yeah..and i'm reading my school book, a memoir written by stephen king and it's horrible, i don't care about him, i don't want to know all about his life...i don't read his books...i hate his movies so why would i want to know what's in them..how he thought of em..why do i want to know that at age 2 he could move a cement block??? really??? or how he keeps his marriage going..i don't care bout him..i thought this was going to be a book about written, the title is "on writing"...ahh more reasons why i hate my school. i think we should get to pick our own books to read during the summer, from a huge long list maybe and write book reports like we're in elementry school or something. it's basically the same thing...we degrade ourselves reading this junk..it's not educational..what we're made to read is junk...plain and simple...and by the way, i happen to like reading..books i want to read. i learn from em, they teach me some big words!!! and they hold my attention. *sigh*

my cousins are over now, so my mom's either too busy to notice i'm on right now, or she'll just choose to yell at me later. i could care less..nothing could get worse. hopefully i can change some things...like my schedule...i have to remember to call tomorrow...i wonder what kristen's major was, i wonder if she got kicked out too... ...ok i think that's enough ranting for today...anyways, my cousins just found me, so i'll post it before they start reading over my shoulder...
2 Comments
Mood: soo upset
: you know...