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rain_drop so reckless for all these years...i crashed into a wall~relient k - Subscribe
so i got a new laptop and i'm on it right now. it's pretty neat cause i can be in my room on it...i'm offline right now but i opened up this screen to type in..and then i can just close it when i get too tired to type anymore or if i'm done and then just post it in the morning or so when i get back on the internet. i don't have to worry about someone turning the computer off on me anymore...and it's real nice cause i'm laying down in bed right now typing..hehe..it's almost like writing in a journal. cept it's not.

so my dad went and picked me out this really nice laptop. it was a thousand dollars...and that's real nice of him and all but i still can't wait to get away from him..i should have known it'd cause more problems. right after i started using it he wanted to start yelling at me that i wasn't holding it right. i had it on my lap..i thought that's what a laptop was for...but no..i'm supposed to put it on a hard surface so the air can ventilate..blah..blah..blah...and then he wants to tell me that i should call this girl's mom who knows alot about computers and ask her to set up something where it will automatically clean itself. i know, my mom already told me that she'd ask her if she would. but my dad kept going on and on like he expected me to call her right that second. so i yelled back "I KNOW!!!" yah, so then i left and went outside, didn't want to be around him..but he has to follow me outside and continue screaming at me and telling me you're a snob..you're such a snob..you're a snob..like repeating himseft is going to make what he's saying have more of an affect on me..i don't know what he expected. i just ignored him. then seconds later he comes back and yells some more..cept this isn't yelling as much as talking LOUDLY. "i'm sorry, i shouldn't have called you a snob." no emotion, just a straightforward LOUD apology...so i guess counseling is teaching him something. if only it would help things between him and my brother. but i do acknowledge the fact that he did spend more on this laptop for me then he should have and i should just accept it which i did. i told him i loved it. but part of me also wonders why he did it. i know it's part of who he is, when you need to get something you should just get the best cause if you get a cheap one it'll break and you'll have to buy another one and you'll end up spending more than you would have if you just bought the better one in the first place...but i dunno. part of me questions if this is the only way he really knows how to show he actually doesn't mind me being his daughter...ewww i know that sounded weird but it was the only way i knew how to put it. most of the time on here i can say anything but sometimes my fingers are limited as to what they can type...

so the past week things have still been rough at my house, more than usual for me cause i haven't been babysitting as much and i've just been staying home. today i finished my thousand piece puzzle, i now have two to glue together..i plan to take them to college with me and hang on the wall.

my admissions counselor called me the other day to tell me that i am rooming with adrian. it's good that i requested her cause if i was just now finding out who my roommate was when i'm supposed to be there next sat...that's a little too late to start talking and finding out who has what and what we need. i've been talking to adrian some..and we went shopping together once...but we should have got together a little more. but again i was the one calling her when i did..she hasn't called me..and i just hate that. but she's not one to pick up the phone either...at least i don't think. i realized i really don't know her. i met her in 6th grade when she was morgan's friend...and then later on she started going to church..but isn't that sad that i still really don't know that much about her? i know..i'm horrible. ahh well guess i better go now...i promise..more soon!
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Mood: tired

rain_drop sometimes i fall apart, i feel just like a useless tool~relient k Aug 11th, 2006 3:06:31 pm - Subscribe
the other night my mom and i came back from our walk to find the top of our mailbox on our driveway. someone ran into it but the pole didn't come out cause my dad put it in cement. my brother was sitting on the porch when it happened. a car went off the road, ran into our mailbox, and got right back on the road..didn't even slow down. the guy who hit our mailbox, lives four doors down from us. when our neighbor went to look at his car to see if it was damaged he saw the guy still in his car, passed out cause he was so drunk. my mom didn't want to call the police though cause she doesn't want to cause problems in the neighborhood...but this is the third time this has happened. first was years ago when our old car used to be parked there..someone ran off the road and totaled the car. the second time it happened my car was there...someone ran off the road and hit my car, running it into the mailbox. this time only the front light and side bumper was damaged..this time my car was parked on the other side of the sidewalk so it didn't get hit. but my mom told me it was probably ok to park it next to the mailbox, i refused and now i'm glad. it's not even like our cars are on the road even when we used to park them there. they have always been all the way in the grass so you'd have to go off the road to hit them. i'm so sick of this happening. it's always our mailboxes or our cars....i think my mom should have called the police cause this time we know who did it.

i finally called adrian too. we have two classes together i think and two that are at didn't times. but i guess we'll be together alot cause not only that but eveybody goes to chapel at the same time on tues, wed, and thurs. one thing i thought was funny is we both have our marriage and family class at 7:35 in the morning...i just think it's funny that we have to take that class now. my dad got a fridge the other day that has a freezer in it which i really like cause then i can get some hot pockets and ice cream to put in there.

i have exactly one week left here. i'm babysitting for marlee right now and autumn is also here. jennifer called me earlier and told me if i didn't have any babysitting jobs after marlee to stop by. she said she wants to spend some time with me before i have to leave. i've really started to think about this lately and it starts getting me really down. in a week i won't get to go over there, i won't get to see amanda and jacob...and all the other kids at church. i'm already missing them.

sunday after church i was supposed to go over michelle's, she wanted to cook me dinner and guess what?? spend time with me before i have to leave, but then she found out she had a birthday party to go too so she wants me to come over this sunday. i hope that works out.

not to mention this but thao, the girl from school was talking to me last night via aim and she wants to take me out before i leave. why does everyone put it like that?? anyways i haven't seen her all the summer but all of the sudden, now she wants to do something. i'd love to spend as much time that i can with the kids and things but i guess i can make some time for her. she wants to go to the movies tues, the day school starts for my brother and sister. but that day i have to go see my psychiatrist...one last time before i leave so that he can write me a bunch of prescriptions for my anti-depressants so i don't run out at college. ah..i don't wanna see him. but i guess i could go to the movies after that. she wants to go see pulse which is some new scary movie. i hadn't even heard of it but it's something i know i'd love to see and she also said she'd pay for my ticket...so i really don't have any excuse. except she's also meeting a guy from school there that i don't really even know but she seems to think that's fine...i guess i can deal with her for one last time and try to have fun..but she talked all about spending time with me at first..then she said she's also bringing some other guy, and it's not even her boyfriend..she just wants to see him too before he leaves for college.

yesterday i was babysitting marlee and the girls across the street, autumn and alexis and we went to the pool for like 4 hrs. which was a good thing cause those girls can fight sometimes so it was good to get them out of the house for a really long time. alexis saw a friend from softball there that she hung out with...marlee saw a friend from school and her neighbors that she stuck with. and autumn got to know jacob and mallory, two kids i know from church. when their mom left jacob and mallory asked to stay with us and i said it was ok. so yah, i had five kids to round up and get home when we had to leave. but it was really fun. i didn't mind at all. when i get older and stuff i would love to move into a neighborhood that has a pool cause it's so much fun for the kids and it's summer...it beats staying outside with them in the heat, you have a cool pool to jump into and cool off..and all their friends are always up there..it's really great.

so the reason i can be on my sweet laptop right now while i'm babysitting is cuase i'm on the couch while their playing polly pocket and i brought some of my full house episodes over for them to watch...cause they just happen to like full house too..isn't that great. autumn keeps asking to go to the pool but it doesn't open til noon and i don't know if it looks like pool weather out there now or not. i don't know.

speaking of full house...season 4 comes out august 15..and i plan to get it and try to watch all the episodes with my sister before i have to leave. i can't wait..i've watched seasons 1-3 sooo many times already i can't wait for some new ones..or ones i haven't seen that much. i love full house.

so anyways...blogging two days in a row...i'm doing pretty good huh? let's hope it lasts. well i think it's this laptop...it just may be.
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Mood: scattered

rain_drop the best you can do is get through...each day...wondering will this never end? is it always gonna be this way?~toby mac Aug 16th, 2006 7:29:14 am - Subscribe
so this college stuff's got me really busy. since i'm leaving this sat. i've had lots to do...

--sunday--

this was my last week at church...and i enjoyed every moment of it that i could. a few ppl hugged me..many told me they'd miss me..and a ton told me i'd baetter come back and visit. happy.gif anyways i thought i'd go over to michelle's after church since it didn't work out last week, but she said that their small group was meeting at devon's house instead and i was invited. so i went over there and we had lunch and hung out for awhile. it was really nice. although i really miss just hanging out with michelle like we used to. it's been awhile with her moving and all...and now she's just really busy with other things. so anyways i came home to....betcha can't guess..yah fighting. home sweet home. my brother is out of control these days, just like i used to be..and that's the sad part. so i take my sister over to the neighbor's pool for awhile. later on i go for a walk with jennifer cause we haven't walked that much lately either cause her husband's been working alot. so on the way back from our walk we see marlee's mom across the street with alexis and autumn's mom. i was supposed to babysit for alexis and autumn on monday but autumn had strep throat so she told me she didn't need me after all. so in fact, my last day babysitting the girls was friday...it's funny how it started just with marlee and then towards the end i had alexis and autumn too.


--monday--

so since i didn't have to go babysit all day..i had the pleasure of staying home on my brother and sister's last day before they started school. and boy was it fun...before i knew it i was going crazy with all the screaming and yelling. i took my sister to the library for a little and when i came back my dad starts yelling at me about how i should have been home when my mom got home cause she was going to take me to get some new glasses. yah, i'm going to get glasses again now, just so i can wear them part of the time, when i don't feel like putting in my contacts. see i have my old glasses on now, while i'm in bed, but the prescription is so old, i can't see that well. so back to my story, he yells and yells at me, which he already did the moment i woke up and i wasn't too happy in the morning either cause i woke up to the sound of him and my mom yelling because my dad won't answer the stupid phone while my mom's in the shower. so yeah, he started yelling at me again about how it'll take a few days for the glasses to get in and how he could take me now...but i told him i was smarted than to go with him, which i am. i'm not going with someone who's already yelling at me right now. i wouldn't have gone anyways cause i know how he is in the store..but still. no way. so i waited for my mom to come home. she's mad cause everybody's fighting and she yells at me to get in the car. i haven't ate lunch yet cause i got caught up in working on my stupid puzzle that i kept telling myself i'd get something to eat in a few min. it's already almost 3 and i ate breakfast early. so i'm hungry and my head's starting to hurt and my mom's yelling at me to get in the car, which i do. a few min. into the drive i turn off the radio, she turns it on, i lean to turn it back off(remember my headache) and she swings her arm at me and starts hitting me..while she's driving. i jump in the backseat and yell that i'm not going anywhere so she turns the car around and goes back home...which i'm relieved cause she was already in a bad mood and she didn't want to hear it when i was telling her what dad was yelling about to me. it didn't help when she asked my dad what he said to me and he replied that he said NOTHING to me. what a liar. yah, my mom said it too. but really?? he said nothing..he only went on and on and on and on about it for 10 min....in the morning and then again when i got back from the library. and things didn't get any better from there, it was a horrible day. but at least i got to eat as soon as i got home...and i still had a babysitting job at 5. so that got me out of the house for a few hours. it might have been my last night babysitting for a while, you never know. it was the last time before i go away for hayden and sarah. we played and played and had lots of fun. sarah was so worn out she layed down on the couch and fell asleep. she is so cute and hayden and i built a huge lego tower. i'm gonna miss babysitting...

--tuesday--

well this day started off perfect with my sister turning on my light at 7:30 in the morning to get ready for her first day of fifth grade. it didn't help that i went to bed after 1 in the morning...i don't know exactly when i feel to sleep after all the crying i did from the stress of the day..but i was crabby and oh yah...i started my period..what a great time too..so i couldn't go back to sleep cause i was having bad cramps so i got out of bed. and then since i was up my mom decides that we need to get my glasses today. which by the way she apologized for the other day..which made me feel a little better. but today i knew wasn't going to be that great either. so after a couple hours we have finally picked out a pair of glasses for me and i'm hoping i can get used to them and wear them part of the time. just something a little different. i would never wear glasses while i'm babysitting though cause i can't tell you the number of time kids jump all over me and accidentally hit me in the face with something...it's just not a good thing. so then when i get home i eat right before my friend thao is going to come over to take me where?? the movies. yah. what fun. so we go, we have to meet this other guy from school there and we see the movie pulse. now i liked the movie although the point was kinda...blah..but i liked all the ghosts that kept popping up everywhere...and just...i dunno, the idea of the movie. so i got that over with...i come home. i gave my mom some money so she could buy full house season 4 for me and pretty pretty princess for amanda's birthday..which i'm going to miss. but then we had to go see the psychiatrist so i could get my drugs for college. it seems this is the last i'll see of him though since he's resigning. so i'll just have to see what happens in a few months if i go see someone else or i just say forget it and quit with the anti-depressants. i don't know yet. but i finally got that over with too. so i pretty much worked on my puzzle after that for hours while screaming at my brother and sister when they started bugging me or fighting..or like when my brother was so angry that i wouldn't give him one of my dvd's that he stomped on my leg over and over again. now i have this painful bruise on my thigh from him last week and i thought maybe that'd be the last bruise from him for awhile..but i was wrong, i guarantee that stomping will leave a mark. so will the dvd remote that i jabbed into his side while he was fighting with me earlier. he says i just bruise easily on my legs, i say he hits and kicks to hard cause i've had bruises on my arms from him too. i'm just so sick of him. i cannot wait to leave this house.

well tomorrow i'm supposed to go over to jennifer's house for dinner..a one last time thing with her, scott, and the kids amanda and jacob. i'll give amanda her present there and i'm sure we'll play it many times before bedtime. i know she'll love it cause that one time she came over my house and i played it with her she will not stop talking about it. she calls it "the princess game" but i know what she's talking about. now tomorrow should be a good day..well, it might be a little sad..but it'll be good.

and now, well it's almost 3:30 in the morning and it's been a really long day. i hope my sister doesn't wake me up again at 7:30 in the morning..i need my sleep. plus i'm just not in the greatest of moods. how great is that???
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Mood: stressed

rain_drop i'm on my way..and i'm not falling~seventh day slumber Aug 20th, 2006 3:46:32 pm - Subscribe
on wed. i was going over to jennifer's house where i was going to have dinner with her and her family. when i got there, there were a bunch of cars outside. i knew what was happening then. i got inside and right away kids started coming towards me giving me gifts and papers they had colored for me. jennifer had thrown me a going away party and invited my friends at church, the ones i have made this year. devon and her kids were there, amy and her kids, michelle and her kids, and the other jennifer who has the girl marlee that i've been babysitting for the summer. this was probaly one of the best days i've had. that night was focused on...ME! it was funny cause they kept joking about how they were going to leave and have me babysit all the kids...even little andy would cry every time amy went in the other room cause he saw me come in and he thought she was leaving. but the whole evening i felt so loved and appreciated. it was great...and then sat. i had to leave all that behind and come to a college 4 hrs. away...i don't know why..but i did need to get away from my family. the strange thing is i haven't cried since i got here yet...but i feel like i need to so my heart can stop hurting. i know, it's great here..but this morning adrian and i went to the church on the hill..but it's just not the same as the church back home. i miss the little kids..i haven't seen any little ones since last wed. chris is supposed to come here today and he said adrian and i can come to church with him next week. he told me they have an awesome children's program..idk. it's just not the same, it's just going to take some getting used to.

on the other hand, the ppl here seem so nice. it's so weird that i can say i'm at college already. it's weird, college kids are all around me. the RA's are nice though. i ate dinner with them yesterday and there's a girl down the hall who sat with us at church today..she's nice too..but i've never had friends my own age..i mean like real friends. they've always been older. so it's just weird for me. hopefully as the days go on though, i will get more and more used to it..but nothing can make me stop missing my church back home..and the kids that i love so very much. i think i might watch some full house now...a little michelle tanner to cheer me up a bit.

oh and btw..this high speed internet is the best thing ever...i really can't complain about that.
1 Comments
Mood: missing my little kids

rain_drop you make oceans from the rain~seventh day slumber Aug 23rd, 2006 2:48:20 am - Subscribe
so i finally talked to my mom today. she called me on my phone in the dorm. she had called the other night but i was over in the RA's room keeping busy. i found the busier i keep myself the better off i am. i mean i could sit in the room all the time and think about how much i miss the kids..and my friends..but i needed some fun. and i have a feeling this far away stuff is harder on my roommate..so i wanted to give her some alone time cause she was on the phone..and i hate talking on the phone in front of ppl. but anyways i had a good time last night. i talked some but mostly just listened to them talking and laughing. it beat anything i could have been doing in my dorm room...although...

i've talked to devon on aim last night and the night before. the night before was when i was having a rough time and yah, i told her that, and i finally told her about some of the stuff i've been through already. she told me that she understands. i learned that she's been through some hard times with her dad too. and she told me that i'd be surprised at the number of adults who are on meds..and i told her i know. when i was first going on anti-depressants i felt kinda like it was a bad thing and nobody is on them unless they are really messed up. but over time my opinion has changed and i've realized it's an ok thing. last night we just talked about other things though. she told me her daughter taylor said that she misses me and that when she grows up she'll go to college close to home. isn't that sweet? but she's 6, i told devon she'll probably change her mind when she gets older..haha, i know i did.

so yah, i talked to my mom tonight just about how school is and stuff..and then after that the phone rang again and it was amanda...it was so cute, she just kept saying hello. she told me she missed me..aww i just wanted to give her a big hug and kiss and just be there with her. i asked her how her bday was and she said that she got lots of cool new toys. she said maybe when ur done with college you can come over my house again and play with all my new toys. kids are so precious. and then i talked to jennifer for a little bit before she had to go and try getting amanda back in bed. but at least i know not everybody forgot about me. now i just can't wait to talk to michelle on the phone. but i don't wanna call cause phone cards are confusing and stuff. besides all these ppl get free long distance on their cell phones certain times. i've been sending out emails to ppl and i've been getting a few responses. if i just keep this up maybe things won't seem so bad and i'll be able to get through it. and things were going fine today until i heard amanda's voice. not that i didn't want to talk to her, i loved it...it's just that it made me miss her that much more. i don't know. hopefully when classes start and my job at the library things will be easier. but then i'll still have stupid hw.

i emailed one of my teachers the other day from hs. my physics teacher, the one that would just get on my nerves all the time asking me if i was ok...concerned. well i had finally talked to him one day and he was so nice to me after that. he stopped bugging me all the time and would say all these encouraging things to me that made me wonder why i was so rude to him in the first place. he told me he'd love to come visit him at school sometime during his lunch hr. idk. i think i owe it to him though. he's just so kind. i guess that's why he got a teacher of the year award.

i don't know what else to write, i just feel like writing til i get tired or something...just something to keep busy. we have boring stuff like all day tomorrow..have to listen to some guy preach about something...but i guess that's what you get at a bible college.

i went to wal mart with adrian today, it felt good to get off campus for awhile and the other day we rode with chris while he drove around looking for job applications. same thing then, it was good to get off campus. i love looking out the window at all the trees and mountains while i was riding in the car. adrian and chris are going to another college this weekend. chris has to drop a computer off there for his brother and morgan goes there so adrian's gonna spend the night with morgan..which means i'll be by myself this weekend. i have to say at first i was kinda angry that they have set this up for awhile now and not told me..and then not invited me...like i don't wanna see morgan??? but then i realized it'll be good to be by myself for awhile. i might get bored..i might cry..but i think it'd be healthy for me to just get out my emotions..or be able to feel like i can really talk on the phone...so hopefully i'll still feel that way in a few days.

oh yah, and here's something else i did last night...i actually turned off my computer and read my bible. yup. it's been a long while. but it was finally good just to open it up and read something. i really don't know what to read, i just turned to something. but hopefully this is what college will help me with...i don't know why it's so hard for me. in hs i had hw, i complained about it, but in the end i always turned in something that i worked semi-hard on. but like i've never HAD to read the bible or anything before, so i just get lazy and don't do it. well now i'll have to, and i'm not sure i'm going to like that very much. hopefully i will though. just have to have a positive outlook on it..eh??/ yah. i think that's enough for now, maybe i'll write later.~
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Mood: alienated