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rain_drop living is hard, getting heavy on me~4th Avenue Jones - Subscribe

so yesterday was the first of december..and while sitting in class at school..it started snowing..nothing was sticking though..but the seniors like to go around all day saying we'll get out after lunch..and then alot of others believe em..but what they mean is we will get out eventually after lunch, just not til 2:20. it's an old joke by now but they never seem to tire of it. it's that time of year now i guess. and it all started cause last year they did let us out right after lunch was over cause they were predicting a big snow storm...well, we got out of school and it wasn't even snowing..and the big snowstorm was only a few flakes...so yeah..i'm bored. i really need to go to bed now cause tomorrow i start my job tutoring a dsylexic child. my supervisor called yesterday to tell me about the boy i'll be tutoring. he's on lesson s...i need to look over that and figure out what he's learned so far for the review. i'm gonna have to get up so early, it's gonna be like going to school on saturday too..hehe..

my sister and i have been watching alot of movies and stuff lately, like earlier we were watching the full house shows i have on tape. but the other day she and i watched a walk to remember and she was crying so hard at the end that it made me laugh. i know she cries over movies alot it's just weird cause she's only 10..and ahh, it's just so weird it's funny. not that i can have any say about it since i'd do the same thing, if i was by myself. this my mother doesn't know or she wouldn't tell me all the time, that erica is her sensitive child..haha..

moving on, so i got a 100 on one of my calculus quizzes..and then on this week's i got a 40...and i'm wondering how my grades can vary so much like that. the ppl i sit around they keep getting around 60-70 percent, but no, my grades are high and low..ahh and then we had a test today. so much, i worked out alot of practice problems for the related rates stuff cause that's what i had trouble with..and so i was finally getting it, but then on the test, he had completly different problems that i didn't know how to do...tuesday i stayed after with thao for physics ess..and the teacher was going over problems that were actually on the test, so he got through almost 3 of the 5 pages...so i think i did pretty good at that..but then today he had to gvie us this lab to do during the last 5 min. of class...and we got the data we needed to solve all the problems and now i have to do that this weekend...it's sooo long..i can never escape a weekend without homework it seems like. as for our poems in english class, blah..we're supposed to be drawing on an emotion that is real to us..but we're not writing as ourself but as someone else and we're incorporating that emotion into our poem. the only thing about this, is that we keep sharing stuff in front of the class. so yesterday we had to think of the first line for our poem and write in on the board, well i couldn't think of anything so then i just wrote a line that popped into my head about one of the poems i wrote before and posted on here..haha...yeah, so then she went through everyone's and was talking about how to change it..and she was asking me all these questions about my poem...blah..so i just told her that i was writing through the eyes of a child(which explained my simplistic language) i just can't use complex words that i don't normally use and i can't use them if they don't feel right to me. i don't think we should write poems for a grade, nor write them line by line and have the teacher tell us what to change about it. i believe poems just happen..at least mine....i just write when i feel like it..and what i write is what sticks. sure it may not be good but who cares, why change it...but it's school...so ya have to do what ya have to do...

wed. we didn't have church so i met up with val again at wendy's to go over ch. 2 of the devo. she had sent me an email asking me what's going on with the whole scratching thing cause she feels like she can start trusting me again and that the other night when i watched her kids they loved it so much and she'd like more times like that. so yeah, it was good to tell her that i haven't done anything in awhile though i did tell her about my thanksgiving weekend. she says she remembers holidays being tough in her family growing up...i'm just glad i can talk to her again.

so i finally got the pixs i took at shoutfest back and there's some pretty good ones in there so i deleted most of my myspace pixs and am putting those in there. i love working on myspace. it's so great. okie, i guess that's all for now, since i need to be getting off and looking over my lesson....wow this is really boring...later.~
♥ rain_drop ♥

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Mood: tired...blah

rain_drop brrr it's cold outside~fresh digress Dec 8th, 2005 3:07:54 am - Subscribe

gosh, i have so much homework to do. starting with my essay for government "this i believe"...well in order to start writing it i have to believe in something..and i'm not sure what i believe anymore..if i believe in anything..or even if i believe in believing..ahh why is life so complicated?

in latin today, we had a free day. so kristen turned around to start sharing her "problems" about not knowing what to get her boyfriend for christmas. only she wasn't talking to me, of course, she was talking to the other two girls who sit behind her. why? i have no clue, maybe she feels like i don't wanna hear about it..and well this i didn't but not other stuff. but then how can i expect her to talk to me about things like that when i don't open up to her. i mean she has no idea. i think that's why she complains to them so much, cause they complain back. it seems like she's been complaining alot about her parents lately, they don't like her boyfriend...and i dunno, i'm too "happy" to get what she's talking bout. it just seems like in latin, with those girls around for her to talk to she just kinda ignores me. she scoots her desk over there and i can't even hear her sometimes...but when i do try to say something, i'm blown off..or i'm told to wait. and it just makes me feel so left out. but then in english class, when their not around she'll talk to me...and be my partner when we do group work. so anyways i was just so sick of it today that i got out my notebook (i started carrying a school type notebook around to journal in cause i've been writing so much that loose leaf paper is everywhere--in my folders, notebooks, backpack..i have to keep all my secrets in one place..so i found an old notebook. then i moved over by the wall so i could write privately and be alone..and i did. about how frustrating school is, trying to have friends, the stupid college application i've been putting off, still missing jen, wishing i could hang out with her, all this stuff i have due before midterms, my poem i have to write this weekend, my essay i have to write tonight, my calculus quiz tomorrow..it's all just too much. so i wrote..and wrote..and wrote...5 notebook pages...and not once did kristen seem to notice i was gone. she never said anything to me. i didn't expect her too though cause she was absorbed in her own life...so i moved over across the room to be absorbed in my own world..of thoughts and feelings..and my own drama..if that's what you want to call it. so then we had 5 min. left and so i went back over to my desk and her purse was there so i got her phone and started taking pixs. i like taking random pix of things..hehe..so i took a pix of carmex and the monkey on the side of her purse...well, i don't think she was too happy with that, whatever, i've taking pix with her camera phone before. anyways you can just delete them, i was trying to have a little fun. but then when we left and she stood outside the class to wait for her boyfriend, i passed by and in a happy and cheery voice she yells bye *rain_drop*...i mumbled bye and walked on. i wasn't in the greatest mood. i'm still not. it's just one of those days...or maybe it's cause...

last night i tried doing my devo again but i'm stuck. i don't know why..it's just i've been getting it out trying to do the lesson and there's some reason i can't. last night i got to a part when it asked *how do you know god loves you* and i just stared at it...and thought i don't...gosh..it's just frustrating, cause i know the right answers to put but when am i gonna start believing what i'm writing down...and i can't write anything if i don't believe it cause then it's a lie right? so i tried and tried to think of something to right down..but that was it, i had enough. i was so frustrating i threw the book in my backpack, turned the light off, and started crying...and cried myself to sleep. and now i don't even wanna look back in it. i have to though cause it's been at least a week now and val will be expecting to meet with me soon..and i just can't get it done. i have one more lesson after this one for the third chapter. but with that and all the homework and all the frustration, i choose to sit down here and type and type and type til i feel like stopping..where unlike at school i have to stop at some point cause my hand starts hurting really bad...but i'm serious when i say i need to get off and do my homework now cause it's nearly 10 and i haven't started yet..and like i said before, i gotta pick something "i believe" and type and essay on it tonight..along with my load of other work. but unlike in my devo, i can make up something on this essay and turn it in...without caring..it would just be a whole lot easier for me to type something if i truly believed in it..i don't know...maybe i can think of something.

oh yeah, and tuesday wasn't the math team test, the teachers forgot to tell us it was rescheduled for next tuesday..just what i need, to stay after school and go to another school and take a test the day before finals start...when i need to study..although i know i hardly will..it'd be nice if i had the motivation...it'd be nice if i believed i could do good. tomorrow i stay after for physics ess..what fun...ahh maybe it'll snow and school will be canceled..wouldn't that be nice?

so i just did a word count of this and it's a little over a thousand words..and our essay only has to be 500..so it's about half of this..i guess that's not that bad..it's short...

and these are dedicated to my bad mood. oh joy.

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Mood: frustrated
: fresh digress

rain_drop fear grows when she knows that she's out of control throwing up in the bathroom hope that nobody knows... Dec 8th, 2005 6:59:27 pm - Subscribe

..and she fears she's a failure..
she forgets that god loves her...
you tried and you failed hold your head up high
you climbed and you fell hold your head up high
you tried and you failed hold your head up high
hold your head up hold your head up high
~superchick

i didn't really know her that well...it was at a party...7th or 8th grade for one of my girl scout friends. she held it at her church and a few ppl i knew were there. she had the same name as me...i hung out with her and morgan during that time along with the girl who was having the party when she wasn't busy hanging out with those i didn't know. morgan knew her really well, they were close school friends i guess. her dark brown curly hair was so pretty and i remember her being very tall...she was goofing off with ppl and she was laughing and smiling and seemed to be having a good time..til we went to the bathroom. walking out of the bathroom she tells her friend she's fat. that she needs to lose weight. that she's ugly. so this girl was trying to cheer her up, telling her she's pretty...not fat..those kinds of things. this was before i had "major problems" in life...i never really encountered someone with that low of self esteem before. she declared that she was going on a diet...the other girl laughed and said you always say you're going on a diet...which she agreed to and laughed. other than that the rest of the party i can't remember. but images of that girl stick in my memory, especially her bright green eyes...

years later we move into my high school career....never did i think about that girl again til now....5 years later she's actually in one of my classes....although you wouldn't recognize her...except for the name..and i thought and thought and said yeah this is her....and the only reason i really noticed her was because of her looks...

i see her walk in class, she's even taller now...but there's so many differences about her..first of all she was never really fat, just bigger than most girls her age at the time...and now she's so skinny it looks impossible that she could stand up..because of her height..her arms are so long and skinny..and her legs...but then you get to her head which is still big and round that you totally can see she's out of proportion...her skinny neck doesn't even look like it can support her head. i'm not trying to be mean..it's just what i noticed when i saw her..she looked sickly...her skin was very pale and her hair was bleached blond..very blond....this girl who was struck me as pretty..now just stuck me as ugly and distorted....and immediately i knew what was wrong with her, she had to be anorexic. the only person i've ever talked to that i know's anorexic is the girl on here..perfect..and she's the reason i'm writing this..to describe what can happen years on down the road when you become obsessed with your weight....this girl is really close to one of the girls in my latin class..let's call her ren. so ren was talking one day about how upset she was and everything..and how she just found out her best friend's anorexic. well, i knew who she was talking about it..and i wonder, how can you be best friends with this girl and not know..i took one look at her and could tell..not because she was skinny...i know there are girls that are just like that, but she looked deathly..and sick..she had no color in her face...her eyes were set deep in her face...but i didn't say any of that, i just listened...

today this girl has been out of school the whole week so far, i thought nothing of it til today. ren was called down to the office during latin today and they had asked her how her friend was doing cause they know she's close friends with her. well, when she came back in the room she called the girl's grandmother to ask how she was doing...

this girl is now in the hospital. she has been there for awhile now. she's not doing well at all. they think she might even die. not only was she anorexic...she was bulimic too..so she can't keep any food down in her. when you're so used to throwing up food all the time, there comes a point when you're body will just naturally throw up anything that goes inside of you. it's pretty much out of her control anymore..only the doctors can try to help her. ren said if she dies, she's literally going to kill herself. i don't know whether to believe her or not..i don't know who's really serious about anything anymore. i just know it's a terrible thing to be in the hospital simply because you don't eat. you don't know how to take care of youreslf. that you're self image is so distorted that you will starve yourself just to look skinny. and when you're there, it's never enough...it's never enough...i really hope this girl gets better...i really hope she's ok and that she lives. it's so terrible the things that are happening with ppl at my school...our school's just so different than most, i'm sure tons of kids have serious problems, it's just no one knows much about anything like that. but i can't tell you the number of times this year that i've heard kids talking about how they can't wait for the weekend so they can get drunk or "wasted"...or how many times they have sex..or about girlfriend and boyfriends living together..or who smokes..how long has this stuff been going on..and how could i have gone this long without hearing about it before...and why...why do i have to hear it now? i guess my school's really not all that different from other schools...

perfect, i hope reading this makes you think...about all of what you're doing. i know the pain hurts..i know family stinks. but you do not wanna end up like this girl, you don't wanna be in the hospital fighting for your life. i know you don't. but then i also know you can't stop this disease from tearing you apart by yourself. you need help....help to freedom. the quicker you conquer this battle, the easier things will be. the healthy you will be...and...you might even be a little happier..hehe..who knows. i just hope you seriously consider what you are getting yourself into..is image really all that important? *sigh*

4 Comments
Mood: reminiscent

rain_drop 100th Post Dec 9th, 2005 1:36:45 am - Subscribe

yeah, so like the subject says..this is my 100th post. i just felt like posting now to say that..haha...so yeah, i've stuck with this blog..it's amazing..i looked back, i registered for this march 19...wow, seems so long ago yet it's only been about 9 months...i remember first coming here, i had other friends..which have now left this site and i have some new ones..not as many anymore, or at least they don't comment..i don't know, but i really don't care if i get comments or not. it's weird. but this is more for myself then for others..but i love to comment on others...and it beats doing homework..which i should be doing now.

ohh, i almost forgot. we got out of school at 12:30 today cause of a snow storm warning! it was great. i didn't have to go to stats or english...only that pushes my stats test back to tomorrow and i'm behind on my english poem...and physics ess was canceled. which is too bad cause i have hw to do tonight for physics and i have no clue how to do it. blah, i still had my calculus quiz today which i screwed up cause i couldn't figure out how to graph the first and second derivative and find which interval the derivative increases and decreases..oh yeah and if there were any relative minimums or maximums..which i think there were but i put that there weren't cause i couldn't find em...ahh..but that's over with.

tomorrow at school we're supposed to have the holiday program...but who knows if it's gonna be tomorrow or not. it's where the chorus sings in their skimpy santa outfits and the band plays and we present salvation army with a ridculus amount of cans and money that we say we collected because it was for charity when it reality, it's cause teachers give out stuff for bringing cans. they're not allowed to give extra credit anymore cause technically our principal could get in trouble for that so teachers find ways around it. like bring in so many cans, you don't have to do a certain classwork assignment. or bring in 100 cans for calculus and you can use your notebook on the midterm. so many ppl brought in cans for that. and others have you bring in tons of cans just to use notecards on the finals. in english the teacher gives you a extra hw assignment and classwork assignment that you're guaranteed to get a 100 percent on..so it can boost your grade....so i brought in the 25 dollars for that, cause she was taking money or cans. and i'd rather bring in 25 dollars than 75 cans to school. in physics if we raised a certain amount (we can't have parties) so we're gonna do experiments like waching a chip burn or something like that, and cause we have a whole bag of chips left after that, we might as well eat em. at least that's how he put it..but it's a party. you can't just say that. latin is the only class where we gave money totally because we wanted to. and we raised alot of money for that class...cause our teacher's fed up with this scame we pull every year..but it's good that the salvation army is getting all those cans..i think it was around 40,000 last year which was lower than usual cause that's the first year they stopped doing extra credit...so what does that tell you about ppl? hmm...ok i better go start my hw now...wow i've been connected for 4 hrs. straight now..haven't been on here the whole time though, was working on a new 1000 piece puzzle earlier, cause winter is here..and that's what winter is for..puzzles~

welp, 100th post..here it is!

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Mood: amazed

rain_drop i lost my direction... ~krystal meyers Dec 11th, 2005 12:40:21 am - Subscribe

well i had to work today..so i got up and got ready to find out i'm driving myself today. so i found the mapquested route..haha and i got there. i had only drove there once before. when i got there i found out the student i was supposed to teach was sick and he wasn't there so they didn't have anything else for me to do..so i observed again along with two other tutors that are new like me.

after the first tutoring session which is 50 min. they have this parenting on the run thing which is like a support group or something for all the parents who have dsylexic children which is most everyone in there. so on lady had me observe what one group of children do during that hour which is a class called social values. one of the ladies was reading them a story, asking questions and adding stuff in where appropriate, and it usually teaches them a moral of some sort. this week it was teaching them how to help clean up around the house..hehe...but then the other lady who sent me in there to observe asked me how i liked it when it was over...come to find out she wants me to teach one of those classes! i was kinda taken aback cause i really haven't even started the tutoring yet. i told her i'd be uncomfortable with that age group, cause they were like middle schoolers but i could do it with one of the younger groups. and she said that'd be great. so she wants me to observe a little more...then the next session is extra tutoring so this same lady took me and the other two new tutors into a room and was explaining a little more about the books and everything and what exactally to do. then the last 50 min. is another tutoring session which i again, observed.

so it was kinda boring today cause i really didn't get to do anything but next week the boy's supposed to be back and they still have me with him since he wasn't here today.

and then i went home...

it took me about half an hr to get there...so it should take half an hr to get home right...

only..

i got lost...

2 and a half hours later, i finally got home...

you see, my mom has me going a back way i'm unfamilar with and the streets aren't always labeled so i almost got home..only i went down the wrong street that would've took me there...but i recognized the street name that i was on, and i knew i could get home that way from it..only i didn't know how..and i didn't know that i didn't know how...but then i saw the expressway.

i knew i could take the exit to get home...only i didn't know which direction..east or west?

i really thought it was east....it was west.

you see when i go to counseling on that expressway i go east...so that's why east was in my mind...but i wanted to come home..

so then i find out where i am...cause i've been there before so there's another exit, i figured i could take the one i use to get to counseling, go all the way there and come back..and that was the B exit, but i really thought if i took A instead that would take me back home...then i dont' know what happened from there. i don't know if i could've got home or not. i was all confused..i ended up somewhere really far away...i know i was at least 45 min. away from home at some point cause i was in an area where i had been once before awhile back for some girl's birthday party..and i just remember it being really far so i knew i was going in the wrong direction..plus there were signs telling me how to get to the state capital..so maybe i was even further..who knows. i just know i kept getting turned around and ending up going down the same expressway three times in a row...and taking that same exit three times...i couldn't remember which way i still wanted to go east or west? i finally figured out..haha it's west, cause i remembered in the beginning i took east. by that time i was crying and going really really fast...cause i just wanted to get home, i didn't care about driving anymore or what happened...i thought it'd be great if i got pulled over cause then at least i might figure out how to get home. gosh, i wished i had a cell phone then. but i don't think my mom wouldn't been home anyways cause when i arrived home 2 hrs. late, she wasn't even there. anyways when i got home i checked how far i had gone since i took the wrong exit on the expressway, 100 miles!!! haha, i hate driving, i hate expressways. they are so confusing unless you have the right mapquest for where you are going..or if you know what direction you need to go from that point. oh yeah and for awhile there i was going down this really deserted road, almost like the country..it was weird.

i was so glad i got home..but right after i got home my mom did..and she and my dad started fighting..oh yeah and i did tell her what happened..and she said i should've called her. whatever. i woudn't have known where to pull over to get to a phone, and my whole goal was just to stay in the car and keep driving...but after i told her, she went upstairs and my parents started fighting. so for a moment i was glad that i was lost..cause even though it was an emotional diaster for me...it was also some time i had by myself..a long time by myself away from home..and i thought, wow it woud be nice just to drive and drive with no clue where i'm going...drive forever, get away from here...

now my mom's at some friend's house, she left after they got done yelling. she said she wasn't gonna stay here...blah blah..some bad stuff about my dad i can't remember..and she left...so me and my sister watched old full house espisodes and i fell asleep...and that was my day...

so i really need to be studying for my midterms which are next week..or my physics test which is tuesday (before midterms), or write my poem which is due monday..but i just can't do any of that now. i've had enough for today.
♥rain_drop

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Mood: lost
: One Tuesday Morning by Karen Kingsbury