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rain_drop *_mY wH0LE w0Rld iS tHE pAiN iNSidE mE_* ~superchick - Subscribe
**i actually put this on my xanga the other day*** :/

Myriad Memories

in the dark depths, in the silence
i sit here...watching...waiting
engulfed in memories, haunted by the past
broken-hearted, shattered dreams
long, lost, lonely...solitude
here i wait, here You left me
alone, abandoned, lost hope
moments pass and tears they fall
pain wells up inside...consuming me
strangling me, i try to breathe
distant memories swirl in my head
i fall, spiraling, down into the dark
obsolete...nothingness of life
held on far too long, grip's wearing thin
indulging in my pain
my struggle...this fight to live
view on reality, on life...forever tainted
i crumble...too weak...i lay there
pull the covers around me
bury my head under my pillow
hiding the shame...and letting out the pain
seconds pass...then minutes...hours
lost track of time...engulfed and strangled
by this sickness i try so well to hide
until Death walks in and finds me here...
0 Comments
Mood: uncertain

rain_drop the best i can do is just get through the day~superchick Dec 17th, 2006 5:42:18 am - Subscribe
so i've been home since wed. and so far things are ok i guess...i mean i'm home alot so far...and i just exist here...i watch tv, get on my laptop...on the net...and here i am..just here...

the fri. before i left i talked to cameron and jeannette again and i told em what happened over thanksgiving break...i told em what happened the week after that...i talked with them and told em the fears i had coming home....how i was scared of myself..just everything pretty much...i just might end up back in conseling now after that..i mean, i can't keep hurting myself..and that incident with the straightener really scared me..yes, i burned my legs with my straightener..how stupid can i get? i told them how i was scared that the next time i would just get out a razor or something..how next time i just might make myself bleed. i remember when i first started scratching myself, i promised myself that i wouldn't use a razor...that i wouldn't be a "cutter"...that i wouldn't bleed...that what i was doing wasn't bad at all...but it soon got out of control and i realized my addiction to this disease...but never ever would i bleed....and so far, i haven't...but i burned myself a couple weeks ago....left scars on my legs that are finally now, just starting to fade away...so what's stopping me from bleeding next time..and who's stopping me now??

well after that, they both made sure i had their phone numbers and told me to call anytime over the break...see, this is just what i needed before, ppl to talk to..i'm not saying it'll stop me..i make my own decisions..but having ppl know, it makes me feel bad if i do this...but before i felt kinda stuck, cause i really didn't know ppl from school all that well..and then the friends from home, i really don't talk to that much anymore like i use to...but not only that, i've been talking to mary a whole lot more now..and i told her before i left too...so now i have her to call to..and plus she gets on the internet and talks to me too...

so with all these ppl to hold me accountable t this...i shouldn't do it right..yet now more than ever i wish i could do it and not feel bad..that i could do it and not tell anyone...because all i want to do now is cry..but i've been trying for days and i can't just lay here and cry....even my musik isn't enough at this moment..why wait and hold it all in..and then explode? why can't i just cry now...why does it take hurting myself to make myself cry sometimes..not all the time...but sometimes...why does it take self-inflicted pain for me to express the deep ache in my heart? sometimes i just really don't understand myself and my emotions...actually, alot of times i don't understand...

now tomorrow is church...very early in the monring...so while i feel like i haven't written here enough lately..and while expressing myself this way feels real good right now...i should stop so i can get some sleep tonight..that is if i can go to sleep...i just really wish i was back at college now..with my friends....as much as i love the kids here and want to spend time with them..this being back home is not working out for me..not at all...why can't i just cry now and get it out before it gets worse???
3 Comments
Mood: confused

rain_drop and the years they pass..and the time goes by...and she still writes~justifide Dec 21st, 2006 12:10:29 am - Subscribe
sometimes i am so confused as to why it hits when it does..and why sometimes the urge is soo much stronger than at other times....last night was one of those times...and it was while i was in the middle of a conversation with mary...i truly believe if i wasn't talking to her..i probably wouldn't have picked up the phone to call someone else, cause it was really late...and i probably would have just hurt myself to stop the deep ache in my heart...i just wanted to cry...i ended up not hurting myself..and not crying either....i wonder why at times i can just cry and cry and cry...and not be able to stop it..yet at the times i want to....i got nothing....nothing but a deep pain in my heart....but nothing to relieve the pain...

and this morning i woke up and realized something..it may or may not have been a contributing factor in the way i was feeling last night..but i realized that yesterday morning when i was called at last min. to babysit...i woke up and was out the door in 10 min....and i forgot to take my anti-depressants...this isn't the first time i've gone without em though...i forgot a couple other times..and i don't know that i noticed something before or not...and i know i have these "attacks" or "urges" or whatever else i may call it...i know i'm having em more often than i used to...whether i've taken my meds or not..but it just made me wonder if it really does have some kinda effect on me...cause i used to really believe they were helping me..and i'm wondering if they still are or not....but yesterday, i forgot to take em..and last night..i was a mess...

but everyone was fighting yesterday..there was screaming....fighting...doors slamming...mom crying..the works....and i was gone most of the day babysitting yet i got to witness a big chuck of it while i was home..and what i missed my mom made sure to fill me in on while we went for a walk last night....i just wanted to scream at her to shut-up..i think i've had enough of her already...it was nice talking to her while it lasted...but i'm ready to just get away and go back to college already....at least i'm making money babysitting now and i don't have to be here as much.

my mom brought my sister to the house i was babysitting at today and she played with autumn, alexis, marlee, and the cat...it was one crazy day..jennifer, amanda, and jacob brought over some cookies for us that they baked the day before...we watched a ton of episodes of lizzie maguire..my favorite part of the day..and they sat and watched the animal channel for hours....well, that's their choice....yesterday we were making videos and singing and dancing..today they just sat around watching tv...but it's ok with their mom...sooo....

tomorrow i'll be going over to michelle's and watching some boys for a change...riley and blake..i know that will be a day filled with playing rescue heroes and toy trucks...oh don't forget blake's tools either! gotta fix everything in the house...i just wanna go over there now. happy.gif i don't wanna be at home...for another night..here...either there's a lot of fighting..or it's really boring..not much to do cept watch my tv...on dvds....i don't know what i'm going to do when i finish with them.

maybe tonight i'll be able to just stay in my room with the door locked and cry...maybe my mom and sister will go somewhere or be busy doing something and not interrupt me by needing to come in and get something...maybe i'll be able to get it all out...what i've been needing to get ouf for days..and maybe without hurting myself...at least that's my goal anyways...i think...sometimes i wonder if i even care or not..after thanksgiving..i don't know..it seems like it doesn't matter as much to me if i do it or not..sure i feel bad..but really..after that? do i really care...?


but of course i do...cause i have to be there for the little ones..the kids that just love me so much...they look up to me...and i just think, if only they knew....if only...when i was babysitting amanda on monday night she was being really bad...jennifer said she'd just been horrible all day..and she wasn't being any better for me....she did listen to me when i sent her to her room one time..but then just out of nowhere it seemed she came up to me and sat on my lap and asked if i was sad...and when i asked her why she thought i was sad she said you just look sad...and then she asked me if i was sad because i'd have to go back to college and not see her again...so i had to tell her yes...but that i wouldn't be going back for a while...but then she just sat in my lap for a while telling me how much she missed me...how she didn't want me to go back...just hearing her say things like that breaks my heart..it does make me sad..but in a different way...the only thing i looked forward to coming home is seeing my kids again...cause i do miss them...and they just love me so much..and i don't know why...

i have to go get in trouble or something now...cause i'm back home...let the fun night begin...
2 Comments
Mood: abandoned

rain_drop only when no one is watching..can we really fall apart~casting crowns Dec 23rd, 2006 3:52:41 am - Subscribe
dear god
it's me again down here
don't wanna sound insincere
i'm lost
sometimes you're so unclear
what can I do?
i'm feeling so far from you
frustrated
irritated
disconnected from it all
the weight of the world
has pushed me to the wall
~krystal meyers~

dear god,
how i hate what you make me go through every day at home...when i'm not here i'm fine..but it seems like every second i am here....it's horrible..awful...stressful..and painful. i just wanna cry. get it out. hurt me..hurt me deep enough just to cry so i don't have to hurt myself...i don't understand anymore..why can't i just let it all go? why did this struggle seem to end and now it's just beginning all over again..it just makes me wanna hate you for this. it makes me hate myself for thinking this way..for the things i imagine myself doing...i don't understand anymore what ur plan for me is. i thought i was done with this chapter in my life..but back here, at home...everywhere i turn i am hit by another "memory" another painful memory....or every song i listen to seems to have some sort of memory attached to it..so why can't i just leave the house and go somewhere and shut the stupid musik off. what good is it doing me. what good is sitting here in my room dwelling on my pain and myself doing me? nothing. i'm just hurting now more than ever. i just wanna hurt myself more than ever. choke myself. die. something....i say that, but do i really mean it? it's frustrating and i just wish the tears would start falling because i am sick of hearing the lies that the only way i'll be able to cry is if i hurt myself..the only way to relieve the internal pain is external pain...noooooo....it's not true..or i wish it wasn't true...ieverything is so confusing now...it's hard to know what i truly believe and what i tell myself to believe. i tell myself ur real..i tell myself i believe in you..you are the answer...you are the way..yet in the midst of my pain..in the deepest darkest moments i rely on someone other than you to try to help me through. and the only reason i would be writing right now to you is because she pointed me in this direction. i need an escape..badly...but at the same time i just wanna be alone...by myself. i want my mom to leave me alone right now..i know i told her i'd watch gilmore girls with her..but right now i just wanna be alone to cry. but i can't..and i think another problem with that is that ppl in my house won't leave me alone. i can't trust them to leave me alone long enough so that i can cry. my mom unlocked my door a couple min. ago because i wouldn't answer. i hate her for doing that. i just wish i could have privacy..my sister unlocked the door earlier..does the lock mean nothing??? i'd hate more than anything if they were to walk in while i was in the midst of crying..or hurting myself..or both....which is another reason why i can't i guess...well, until later..when all is quiet..and everyone is asleep....it's hard living back at home..it's hard to focus on you with everything going around me. i was babysitting amanda and jacob today and they were going over their aunt's for dinner...jennifer asked me if i wanted to go with too..but i was supposed to babysit twin boys tonight...the lady told me to call her when i got home..so i did..i left a message..and she never called me back. and i hated that too..i think that just made things worse..cause i could've went with jennifer and been out of the house longer...but i didn't..and i didn't babysit..and i had to talk to my dad tonight. last night i didn't get home til half an hr before he had to leave for work...and that was awesome...but tonight he gets to talking to me about all these ipods and cameras and stuff in the ads..but it doesn't matter cause i'm not getting any of those. i already know that..so why do i wanna talk about something i'm not going to get...how stupid is that? i just wanted to yell at him to shut-up again..i've been doing that alot lately..but i didn't. not this time....sometimes i feel like nothing is different here at home..not even me. while college might have changed me some..i come back and fall into the same bad habits i used to...i'm even starting to hate you too again god. cause i don't talk to you...i don't see you working in my life..i don't see how your helping my family..i just feel like you've up and left me again...to deal with all this junk again..this junk that i thought i was done dealing with. i'm so angry...i hate myself for what i have to go through. i hate thinking what i do..i hate what i do..and i hate that i'm so far away from the friends i've made in college...i just wish so badly that i could feel your love again..that i could follow you...that i could just love you again...it's been so long...and it's been too long..and it seems like for some reason...no matter how hard i try...it just is not going to happen while i'm still like i am...hate hate hate.....that's how i feel about that. ok..so just writing all this stupid stuff out has made me feel better though..i don't know why i didn't think of that. just help keep me strong and fight this..that's all i really ask...for now, that is all i need...strength....
~rain_drop
0 Comments
Mood: oh just angry...again...

rain_drop i tuck it all away...like everything's ok...~casting crowns Dec 24th, 2006 10:23:33 pm - Subscribe
so fri. night things were rough for me again..and i don't really know why..or how it started...i was just in my room..and before i knew it....i got the phone and called cameron and she talked to me for a little bit but she had to go...she told me that she'd get jeannette to call me...but she also told me that i should write a prayer out or something...so i got on the net and..well, there's my last entry..and then while i was doing that jeannette got online which was strange cause i know she doesn't have internet at home, but she was over a friend's house....and she started IMing me..it was kinda weird..cause i know cameron talked to her but she acted like she didn't know what was going on..then awhile later she told me that cameron said to call her back..so i got offline and called her back..jeannette had filled her in on what we talked about....and...well she just kept talking about god and relying on him...she gave me some verses to read while things are hard...she talked about how her and jeannette can be there to try to help me, but i need to rely on god and trust that he can help me through things...something i haven't done...haven't done in a long time...

turns out, things were fine that night. i calmed down...and fell asleep. sat. i had no babysitting at all that day..so i slept in late..went to the library with my sister, got a few movies and books...and then i just decided that i needed to go to the christian bookstore and get a devo or just something to read...cause something is better than nothing...so i took my sister with me once again since my parents were out shopping and my brother and sister can't be left home alone cause they'll fight..and i found a bunch of books on clearance and two small books that looked really good and were cheap. i also found something for jennifer and michelle...so i decided to go ahead and get them something. i also found this cool rap cd that i absolutely love..i should've known that i can't walk into the christian bookstore and NOT come out with a cd..oh well, it was cheap too, with the coupon i used.

and then sat. night cameron calls me....just to check out how things were going this day..and they were good. she told me she couldn't believe how much i changed in one day..but all that god talk from her the day before made me realize that i need to try to talk to god again..try to trust him and all that...it's better than not trying at all...but then again...i can have really good days and then horrible days the next...i'm so dreading christmas day...because sat. i wasn't home much and when i was..i was alone in my room...or the rest of the fam was somewhere else. anyways cameron said jeannette would call me tonight and she would call me christmas day...i've been thinking, and to me it seems like a bit much, but then i dunno..if i know they're going to call, then i am more likely to not get in trouble and stuff..because i'd hate to tell them that...and it's hard for me to lie about things to ppl..especially ppl i wanna have as my friends. i just wish i could talk to mary..but she had her tonsils out...maybe soon...

and today at church i sat with devon and michelle...michelle gave me a hug when i came in, which is kinda unusual for her...devon and i tried to talk susan into letting us both work in the same room second service but we were in separate rooms...i don't usually work second service, but she needed me there this time..and i ended up being in the green room, 4 year olds...amanda was there and was excited to see me...riley was there too, but he wasn't staying and when michelle came to pick him up, she gave me another hug..said she was in a hug giving mood..it was kinda funny...i don't know when i'll go see her this week since i'm babysitting a bunch again...when i was talking to susan about how much i've been babysitting..she told me i need to learn how to say no...i told her no, i make good money doing it and i get to have fun..not only that but when i'm babysitting i'm NOT AT HOME. and that's always a good thing.

i also took my first long nap since i've been back home today..i slept 3 hrs. right after church, cause again i didn't have any babysitting today..this is SOOO boring..not babysitting. oh well, one more day of that and i'll be back to it....

i skipped the christmas eve service at church tonight...my mom said she was going to get my dad, brother, and sister to go with her..so i thought it'd be nice....and i'd get the house to myself for awhile..but turns out one of my mom's friends came over...so my mom went with her and my sister...and now i'm here at home with my dad and brother...ewww...but i hate christmas musik anyways..and i already put up with that this morning...anyways i'm watching anne of avonlea now and tricia seems to be talking to me on aim..so i'll stop for now......laters~
1 Comments
Mood: lazy