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rain_drop when i take a look around, everybody seems so strong...i know they'll soon discover that i don't belong~casting crowns - Subscribe
it's when that need to write is so strong that no matter what you try to focus on..it simply won't get done because you're imagining out the words to everything you want to write about and you have to just get it down..before you lose the words that are beautifully constructed in your head to tell a story filled with emotion...no matter what others think...no matter their opinions...here's what's been going on since my last entry...

the other day michelle actually got on instant messenger and was IMing me. we talked about a few things and she wanted to know if i had thought any more about counseling..and i told her that everyone keeps telling me how i really should do it now..how i really need it..and she's telling me how it's all MY choice and NOT everyone else's...and then i said something like i think i need it too...she was asking why...and then asked "have you been taking care of yourself" it scared me, i really didn't think she meant what she meant, so i asked her what she did mean and she responds with...."have you been hurting yourself again?"

...i responded with a simple "yes"..but that "yes" holds more meaning than one could imagine..that "yes" changed everything michelle had been thinking of me, to that point i know. it filled her with worry and concern and maybe even love for me. the next day she even called me, probably only the second time this semester that i talked to her on the phone. i remember last semester, i called her all the time...but i've been holding off on the phone calls so far. trying to figure out my place in this mess. i knew i wouldn't be able to hide this from her much longer...i knew eventually she would ask, just to make sure expecting a "no"...but i couldn't lie when she directly asked me. so over the phone i explained the things that have went on all the way back to thanksgiving break, after the talk i had with her when the answer at that time was truly a "no"....but things have changed and i've spiraled down into the darkness once again...i'm entered into this cycle of pain and depression once again and im struggling to see the light like i once saw it....forever ago...

so the next day michelle calls me to see how things were going and to further talk...instead of IM and she made me talk about everything...i didn't want to but i did..and then i start crying. but i could tell that she cared so much and that just makes me miss her alot and i wish i could just go see her...spend the night like i used to...that way we can stay up late talking...it's just not the same on the phone. but then her kids came home, so she had to go.

she called back later, this time just to talk about things going on. she told me that she's pregnant. this made me so happy. seriously. she's been talking to me about wanting a third child for months now but her husband didn't know if he wanted another one and all this..but now she's pregnant. and i told her it made me really happy. and she said that she thought so and that's why she finally decided to tell me...and well, that's the good news now. i can't stop thinking about it now...

i talked to my mom on the phone the other day too cause i had to ask her about something. but then, she told me that my sister was still up so i talked to my sister on the phone. this is only the second time, the whole time i've been here that i talked to her on the phone..and it wasn't that long cause she's not a phone talker...i talk to her more on IM but i don't know, it just made me realize that i do actually miss her...it's the first time that i ever realized this..and it's kinda sad that it took this long, but i do miss her..she's getting older now and she's kinda fun to talk to sometimes. i told her the movies i bought and she wants me to bring agent cody banks home for her to watch whenever i do come home..she wants me to come home soon...adrian's been talking to her dad...maybe we can make a trip before i have to be home for a friend's wedding...

so with talking to everybody, i was going to call jennifer tonight and talk to amanda and jacob if i could..but then i forgot i had to work til 10:30 at night and she goes to bed early...i hope i remember tomorrow cause she sent me an email this morning cause i haven't talked to her in awhile...

other good news, a friend of mine and adrian's is coming on friday...morgan..it should be a fun weekend with her here...i don't know, i want to spend time with her and my friends here..and i hope it works out. but adrian is soo happy that she's coming and i think it'll be a good thing...

anyways i lost my thought...got busy...that's why i write when all the thoughts are flowing through my head..and when they stop...i stop..and that's how it is. later~
1 Comments
Mood: mixed....always...

rain_drop she wants to scream...she did just that~kj-52 Feb 6th, 2007 7:02:16 am - Subscribe
sometimes i wonder when i'm going to finally crash and get some sleep. like today, i wake up 45 min. before i planned too...which means i only slept like 5 and a half hrs. last night and i could have slept longer...but i woke up. and now i can't go back to sleep but i'm so tired and i have a huge headache.

i don't even know why i'm writing..cause i don't feel like it, and i have nothing to say. nothing good anyways. and i'm not in the mood to write down everything that is getting me upset and angry right now..it's just too much. school is too much...people are too much. sometimes i do wanna go back to what it was like in high school, before i had friends and such...when i would just escape to the couch in the basement after school every day and take a nap..and watch tv...and then get on the computer for hours at night and escape into my world of online friends and talk to people i would never meet or have to see in my entire life...sometimes i just think how much better that was than this....but i know i'm lying to myself. cause i hated my life then..though i'm not sure i'm loving it any better some of these days...
1 Comments
Mood: ugh

rain_drop after all this has passed..i still will remain~superchick Feb 12th, 2007 12:15:28 am - Subscribe
i hate my computer sometimes. i've tried typing an entry in here four times already..and it keeps messing up and disappearing. i'm not meant to write about my feelings..i'm not meant to write about how angry i am now..or how much i just wanna cry right now. i hate this. i hate it. i hate it. why won't it just work??? why can't i write in here??? why is my computer screwed up......yet i try to write once again...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

i hate home..but i wanna go home....i want to soo badly...i miss michelle...i miss my kids...

i really wanna cry..why can't i just do it and get it over with..why won't my computer work long enough for me to decently write about how frustrated and angry i am...

stupid.

so i hate valentine's day...but didn't remember why til a couple days ago..then i was like stupid memories...why did you have to remind me of what happened a few years ago??? why? if only i hadn't read that journal entry...why did i have my journals out that day? it doesn't matter, i would have remembered anyhow...but i don't even remember for sure if it was valentine's day or the day after, but i guess it doesn't matter, it just revolved around that day enough that the memory was engraved in my mind...forever it seems...i can't let it go..not now...for now i will continue to hold that against my dad..i'm not ready to forgive him or stop hating him quite yet.

but i did get a valentine's gift in the mail from michelle and her kids riley and blake..and then another one from debbie and her kids molly and maggie..and it was really sweet of them to send me stuff...and that just makes me wanna go home all the more..and the fact that i talked to michelle on the phone today and she was telling me about all the kids at church and what's been going on..and how riley keeps asking when i'm coming home. she said at the end of feb. her husband is going on a trip or something and that if i come home that weekend i can hang out at her house...so now me and my roommate are trying to go home that weekend cause she's been wanting to also...and i miss my friends..and kids back home. jennifer emailed me today and that just reminded me that i hadn't talked to her in awhile either and it's kinda sad...i don't wanna forget them..i do miss talking to them..it's just that i've become so busy here that i don't even have time to think sometimes...tonight i tried to be alone in my room for the night, but there's just too many ppl here...sometimes it can be really annoying because i need my alone time...badly...i need my time to feel sad, depressed..time to myself to just cry and feel lonely..and then i can just get over it and hang out with ppl and have fun..but that hasn't happened in a long time..and i've become really stressed out.

so tomorrow...after work..and after the dreaded small group meeting where i talk about how i'm a failure at life basically...i will take some time to spend with myself..me and myself alone..because many girls on the hall are going to this valentine's dinner thing that i'm not going to...so..until tomorrow...
1 Comments
Mood: frustrated

rain_drop with a pair of headphones on...to block out my life~john reuben Feb 16th, 2007 2:21:18 pm - Subscribe
how i wish it could be that easy...how i wish to block out my life...the people..the hurt...the stress...

i don't get close to people...because i don't wanna be hurt....yet here i am, getting all the more closer to people...and just the same..i am hurt worse than ever. i hate how things have to be this way...how people can be so blind to some of the things they say and do....yet i do exactly the same thing...i put on the "i don't care" expression hoping that for the moment i can fool people into thinking i really don't care at all...with the busyness of work and the stress of hw i was able to block out and ignore many of the things that she was doing this week...but now, with it being friday, i choose to dwell on every day, every moment when something happened or something she said that hurt me...including just now. here i sit crying, tears streaming down my cheeks wondering when will it end? i can't do this anymore. i can't be here, around ppl like her if it's just going to stress me out more and more....if it's just going to hurt to try to love someone.

and i'm so angry right now I could almost hurt myself…but i'm trying not to do that anymore…again…if ppl didn't stress me out so much, i don't think i'd have as much of a problem, but it's that moment in ur life when you feel everything is spinning out of control that you want to maintain some sort of control in your life….so you slowly dig ur nails into ur arms to feel the pain of something real…physically pain. i'm so sick of others emotionally hurting me…i'd rather hurt myself…then i know I did it. it was all me…because this way, it seems better somehow, in a twisted sort of way. because i can't deal with ppl hurting me anymore…and that's all tricia does now it seems. she doesn't get it and i try to talk to her, but shes just always too busy…and i wonder why i bother trying to spend time with someone like her. i've tried hardening my heart to some of things she says and does. if she promises to do something, i know i can't count on it..or if she says she cares..i really shouldn't even try to believe her. and i'm also so sick of her blamming for me everything...blaming me for why she does what she does...and when she tries to get me to talk to her like I do with other people….i just gotta tell myself that she just can’t deal with stuff like that, or listen to it..because she only wants to know to be like my other friends..she only wants to feel like i'm as close to her like i am to someone like mary..but the fact is, she's not. and i'm just so sick of her right now. last weekend i didn't see her all day saturday and almost all day sunday and she comes in my room telling me how much she misses me and stuff like that….then i was like whatever…she couldn't care less…and that's just how i am now. she's lost all respect i might have had for her because i refuse to continue to get hurt and upset with her…

yet why am i still crying over this..and how can i get my heart to stop hurting…cause i do want a friendship with her…it's just too hard for me to deal with now…maybe other people can..but i can't. not at this point in my life where any time i get really upset with her, i wanna hurt myself. i can't put myself in that situation..and i can't stop myself from thinking about it either. i'm no good for her, and she's no good for me..and i just have to accept that that's the way it's going to be for now..until one of us changes..or she actually has time for the abundance of friends she seems to have…i knew things were too good to be true...i don't deserve that good of a life...haha

i read this quote a long time ago..and i never will forget it...

"everyone will hurt you sooner of later...you just have to decide who's worth the pain..."

i've decided now that tricia is not worth being hurt over...she's not worth the pain in my life and i'm not going to let her control that in my life anymore. it's exactly what she wants, to know that she has hurt me by doing what she does..or by not coming to mary's this weekend..but i will have fun without her...i'll try...and i'll try to enjoy a weekend without her...and i won't let her know that she has the power to hurt me...not until our friendship is deeper than that...when i should care about things like that...

whew....now i feel better. that's always good...most likely the goal i have every time i blog..and at least for now…the tears are gone…. wink.gif
1 Comments
Mood: hurt