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it's a new year...a new me..a new chance at life...blah blah blah... i'm sick of hearing that junk. so it's a new year now...big deal..now you just have to remember to write 2007 instead of 2006... new year's resolutions? um no. dumb idea. if you wanna make a change or something like that...then do it. i tried last year. the one resolution i did make...the one i wrote down and promised myself i would keep....i almost did...it's not like others who break em in the first few months..mine lasted 11 months.....it was thanksgiving before i broke down and hurt myself..yup..i almost made it through last year..now this year? i really don't care enough to make that same commitment...it was too hard..what happens..happens..and that's the way things are going to go. but hey, when i get back to school, things won't seem so bad..things will get better again..and so will my attitude... so get over it for now..and accept this for who i am now....if writing like this makes me feel better...if this is a chance to just get some of my anger out...then so be it..... on the other hand, i did have a good night last night...i was babysitting over michelle's and i only had to watch her two boys, riley and blake and another two girls, cali and baby rylie....now cali is my sister's age so she just kinda hung out with me..i can tell she totally looks up to me..sometimes it can be really annoying..but i played phase 10 with her and we had some fun..and baby rylie, well, she's a baby and though i'm not too fond of babies i always thought she was kinda cute...ok, really cute...but it's been months since i've seen her and since then she's learned how to walk....and scream her lungs out..yup...it was late and she was getting tired... anyways at 11:30 i was pretty much done babysitting and the kids came upstairs with their families and we celebrated the great new year together.....and then everyone slowly left...and that was the night...i got online for awhile on michelle's internet...and then slept on the couch..it was 2 in the morning...the past few nights i've had trouble sleeping and it took me awhile to get to sleep..and i think i woke up around 8..i couldn't get back to sleep but i didn't get up til like 10...and got on the net again...the boys slept a good long time...and that was pretty much it..i hung around for awhile longer and then, reluctantly i had to return home..but my family was going over to my cousin's house..and i decided to skip out..so there they are, and here i am...all alone in the house..the way i like it...i had enough "people time" lately..i don't need any "family time"... and so that's all for now... |
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so this week so far, has been alot more fun and alot less babysitting...kinda...i mean i've still been hanging around kids but not really babysitting much...and it all started with spending the new year with michelle and her kids..and then the other ppl who came over...like cali and baby rylie... tuesday i went over devon's house and we headed to chuck e cheese..her two kids taylor and carson went with and the two kids she babysits went with...and then one of her other friends from church and her kids came too. it was alot of fun. and after that i just hung out at her house for awhile. then when i came home, i called michelle cause she had told me i could come spend the night at her house so she told me to come by at 9:30 if that wasn't too late. so i took a little nap and then called cameron back, cause she had called..and we talked until i had to leave for michelle's. i got to michelle's and her kids were in bed sleeping already, her husband was getting ready to go to work....around 11:30 blake wakes up and so michelle has to rock him back to sleep...so i got on the net for awhile...then when blake is finally asleep again michelle and i just sat around til 2 in the morning talking..and it was nice, kinda like old times..she was telling me about certain decisions she's having to make and things that are going on and i dunno..it made me feel good, like she's really a friend because she's telling me all this...and i get to say what i think about it too..and she listens to me. ahh..how i only wish it wasn't so late and that moments like that could last...much better than being at home..anyways we go to bed and only get 5 hrs. of sleep cause riley has school the next day....after we drop riley off, she had to take her dog to the vet...then bring the dog home, pick riley back up from school and then we went to take riley to his horse therapy place...and it was really interesting to watch. but blake was starting to get tired and kept whining because he didn't get enough sleep the night before....after that we went to wendy's...and so i had a vanilla frosty for lunch cause i hate the food they have there...and ummm...then we went to a few stories to look for a barn for blake...oh yah, we went to toys r us..that was lots of fun...great store...and then back to michelle's. i had to leave cause i was supposed to babysit that night for jennifer. i headed over to jennifer's and amanda was being bad again...she's been this way for awhile now...so her mom left and she starting screaming and crying about how she wanted her mommy back....how she wanted her mommy to give her a bath, read her books, brush her teeth, put her to bed...but once i gave jacob a bath and got her in...all of the sudden it seemed like she just started being all nice to me again...i think it was the silly songs i started singing..and she had some silly ones she was teaching me as well..but it made the rest of the night easier with her being good and nice to me again...like she used to. i got jacob to sleep and then got her in bed right before the parents came home. jennifer was relieved that amanda was good for me because of how she acted last time...so anyways it was a long fun day for me...then i had to come back home. today i went to preschool and had fun..then came home and ate lunch while watching gilmore girls and fell asleep on the couch. i slept for hours too..which is pretty funny since i got like 8 hrs. of sleep last night..and my mom was taking christmas decorations down and moving all around the living room while i was sleeping. i think i slept for like 3 hrs. straight...or maybe more...i dunno how i'll sleep tonight....i won't. then when i finally got up and ate dinner, my mom and i went for a walk with a lady down the street..actually she is the mom of the girl lora that is getting married in march. she's gonna to be the first one of my friends to get married..haha...but we're not really close friends or anything...just friends from childhood..ahh brings back so many memories..i've been thinking about that alot lately. anyways being busy has kept me from thinking of other things...things i shouldn't think about..and things i should think about...things i shouldn't do..and things i should...but i figure, while things are good..why go there? it will all come crashing down soon enough...why make it sooner than it has to be...? |
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so i'm back at school and that's nice...but i had a terrible morning..and a terrible day yesterday..and the day before. being stuck at home was stinky..but i didn't feel like going out and doing stuff with ppl anymore. it got tiring so i laid around and watched gilmore girls..and napped...and got into many many fights with the family...oh well. i'm back here and away from all that once again... i'm very tired right now, it's been an exhausting day..so many ppl to talk to...ahh but isn't that what i used to love??? hmm... |
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i can't do this anymore. i can't fight it..the feelings..the thoughts...the things that spark the urges to just....ahh...scream. punch myself. hurt myself. just do something. i'm such a screw up. i can't do anything right. and everyone's always mad at me. i thought things would be different here...but no, apparently i can never do the right thing...say the right thing. i don't know how to be a friend because i've never been one. growing up ppl were always mad at me. morgan and me fought all the time, but we called ourselves friends. the girls in the dgroup got mad at me all the time. brit got mad at me for the things i did to myself. val got mad at me..and kicked me out of the group. even my counselor got mad at me..i don't know if she'd call it that or not, but mad...frustrated..it's all the same thing. and now i just push ppl far away again..and put up those walls again...because i can't do this. i can't be open and honest with people just to have them do this to me. it hurts too much. it hurts to bad...it makes me think things i don't wanna thing and feel like doing things that i'm supposed to be staying away from. and what really stinks is the fact that the person i'd call when i'm in my mood like this is the very person that got all mad at me in the first place. i found this on someone's page one time... "Sometimes you put walls up NOT to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." and i thought it was true..but then really thinking about it..i dunno. i think i just love keeping ppl out though. it's much safer that way. it's what i know. from experience letting ppl in has always been a let down and always will be. i get to angry and frustrated and i take it out on myself too much. but i'm sick of this. i'm tired of being alone when i'm fighting this horrible fight. i'm tired of living though it. i'm just tired. i just wish i could scream and cry myself to sleep right now..but i'm scared. i'm scared someone will come in and see me. i don't want to talk to anyone now. i don't want to be around anyone...but it's not safe here...unless i went in the bathroom..that's the only place i found comfort and safety so far...but i don't wanna lock myself in there tonight...cause i'm scared. i think i'm more scared of myself and what i'm capable of doing in this state i'm in. so it's better not to cry...and stay where anyone could interupt me at any given moment. what gets to me the most is the fact that i can't just kill myself to get it all over...no matter how much i keep thinking that i wish i could, i can't. i really don't want to. yet i can't stop wallowing in those thoughts of selfishness and suicide. i hate this. and i hate feeling like this. i hate it all..i wish it would just stop. i wish i could just be completly healed better...i just hate who i am and how i seem to have an inabliltiy to change...no matter how hard i try...for now, my walls remain...i will remain in my self pity and depression...yes. because that's who i am and that's all i'll ever be. |
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i've bout cried like a million times today..and all of it started on the way to church..and continued throughout the whole day. i hate when i feel like this...i just hate it. there's nothing to do but hw...i'm all alone, everyone's out doing whatever and here i sit...and usually i enjoy it but for some reason knowing my friends aren't here, i can't enjoy time to myself..but when they are here, i can. i confuse myself way too much. i was online forever last night, buying cheap movies..ordering pixs....i was on for like 5 hrs. straight and i got nothing done...really, nothing. i was just alone and bored again. this has got to be the worst first weekend back. hmm....kinda like the weekends i had back in august... "I know that you've been hurting So much has led up to this Your eyes are burning Hard times make the heart resist All that you want is to follow your dreams They all fall apart at the seams" been listening to mxpx alot lately. got this free download thing for 14 days...amazing... but not all things are good...like today, i really wanted to hurt myself...really really really bad..and then i just wanted to cry..but when i locked myself in the bathroom i couldn't do it, either...i hate that. i just wish the feelings would go away....and then later on, when i was watching peter pan, i did cry. stupid movie. but not enough to get out what i need to...not enough to release the pain that is held up within me. and i could've went home with mary and tricia this weekend...i could have. it's not like mary didn't ask me. but i can't explain why i didn't. i just knew it wasn't the right time for me...i wish i could have though...but they'll be back tomorrow and hopefully i'll be better....hopefully. there's so much more to write..there always is...i'm just not in the mood..i'm too...sad..lonely...too everything. |