|
it's a new year now...and all night i had been thinking...so what!? really, what's the big deal. it's just another month, another day. or maybe it is a big deal and every day should be celebrated as much, as a new day...for new resolutions. this day will be better than the last, rather than this year will be better than last. but then i suppose i've had too much time to think last night. jen talked about me coming over and watching a movie. however, i tried calling her, left a message and she never called back. so i ended up staying here, at home...bored. which is why i'm writing now. all this time at home has led me to non-stop thinking about crazy things like new year's and other such things. i remembered to call michelle today but she didn't answer....but she did call back and said they had just came home from the hospital, seth is better right now, he's not completely fine...but better. out of the hospital anyways. michelle sounded drained so i wasn't gonna talk to her much but then she started asking about me, like she always does. and when i told her i was up til 5 am last night she wanted to know why...and she's a really good friend of mine, so as sick as i was of talking about the things i wrote about last night, i couldn't not tell her...so i did...i talked about how people have just been bugging me lately and talking about my future and that's caused me to keep thinking about it lately...and it's driving me crazy. that and the fact that i might want to work with youth at church, something i stated very clearly in high school that i would never do. that makes it that much harder to surrender to something for me when i make a statement to myself and to others like that. she completely understood though. she told me she always said she'd never put her boys in public school and now she's thinking she might have too and it's hard. so talking to her was a great thing. we also talked about how if it's something god wants me to do i should do it...and i told her i feel like everyone else is giving me their opinion on what i should do, but she made a good point that maybe god is using other people talking to me to influence me and impact me on the decision i've been thinking about making. why didn't i think of that? i just felt so stupid. of course i know god uses people to talk to others..and well, the fact is i also admitted i know what i've been needing to do, i just put it off and when i try it's just so hard for me...and that's to pray. last night when i stayed up really late i watched hannah montana episodes til like 4:30 in the morning cause i was tired of thinking and these things bugging me. so i thought it's late enough, i should be able to just sleep...but i was wrong. because again, i was putting god off, the only one who could give me peace and rest right? it's not that i don't believe now, i try to...it's just really hard sometimes. especially being at home. and i don't want to face god because i don't want to face the pain, the tears, and the emotions that come along with all of it. but last night i did try. at 5 in the morning i just broke down and cried because i couldn't ignore it anymore..and i tried as hard as i could to pray. i really did...and after a few moments of just letting the tears and frustration mingle down my cheeks, i felt more at peace...and was able to sleep... and then while i've thought alot about things again today...they haven't seemed as overwhelming and frustrating. and i'll have to thank michelle a bunch later for being a part of that. as much as i don't want to talk to people about these things...i realized how much of a help they are just to listen...and to talk to me. and with as much as she has going on with her life and seth...i was just calling to make sure seth was ok and that she was...and she turns around and helps me in the greatest way ever. she's just such a great friend to me...and i appreciate her and love her so much. i can't live in the past anymore, i realize that..and i know i can't worry about the future...so the best i can attempt to do right now, is just live in the present, take each day, each moment...as they come and enjoy and learn from it all...from every experience thrown my way... and that's all i really have to say for tonight... |
|
the past three days have been busy but great. as much as i'd like to just sit and relax...i love being busy with babysitting and such as well. kids are the most amazing thing in the world...and i love every minute i get to spend with them. wed. i babysat the girls, raegan and laniey. we had fun as usual with singing hannah montana, watching hannah montana, and playing with the hannah montana barbies. oh yeah, we did other things too, like coloring and playing polly pocket. after i was done babysitting i headed over to michelle's house. it was good. her boys and i watched high school musical then they went to spend the night at their grandparents house. so i was just me, michelle, and baby seth. we got a chance to talk a bit, but then i sadly had to return home. thurs. i babysat the girls again and the fun from wed. was repeated. as well as jen telling me the good news...she's pregnant again. i'm so happy for her...it's exciting...after i was done babysitting i called morgan cause she wanted to hang out with me before i went back to school. so she came over my house and we watched a movie..and talked alot. haha. it's surprising to me how different things are with me and her. i've known her since 1st grade, we fought quite a bit in middle school but were still friends. in high school we drifted apart quite a bit..but by senior year we still talked when we saw each other at church. then first year of college i didn't talk to her at all i don't think...and now all of the sudden i'm still at school but we talk on the phone or online some..and when i come back, we hang out...like we did this day. so it's kinda fun. it's like i have an old friend of mine back..and she really is an old old friend. friday i had to get up super early to babysit jacob at 6:30 am. at 7 we watched high school musical 2. i was excited. great way to wake me up! i loved it as much as i loved the first i think. i don't know. i can't decide. i think i'm just stuck on how cool it is cause all the kids i know like it...and jacob, at age 4...loves that movie. it's really fun to watch him sing. then after i went home i took a really long nap, 4 hours..ya know. and then i went back over to babysit jacob and amanda this time. it was just more bundles of fun. what i loved most about it was putting them to bed. not because bed is fun, but just the whole process for me, is sorta fun..and enjoyble. i don't know how else to describe it. but i get to read stories to them...i read to amanda first. then i read her a bible story and when it was time for prayer time, she asked me to pray first. and i don't pray aloud very much, except in the presense of young kids..i don't know, it seems somewhat special that way. the way they look up to me and no matter what i say, it's the right thing because they look up to me. but when it came time for amanda's turn to pray..she's so sweet. she prayed that i'd be safe returning to college and thanked god that i had time to come over and play with her over break. when putting jacob to bed, he prayed sort of the same thing. he prayed that i'd be safe...children just impact me so much in life... i don't know where'd i'd be if i didn't have all these children in my life. life just wouldn't make sense without them. it just shows me how torn i'll be again when returning to school and not being able to see these kids...babysit them. put them to bed...and most importantly pray with them. for them. it's so special...and i just love it. i have no more words to describe this amazing experience...the lyrics at the top of this page..."keep on keeping on believing" is just what i'm doing. keeping on believing. holding to the faith. how could i not after a day of babysitting like this??? moments like this are to be treasured...and remembered...forever. so, i'll just leave it at that... |
| my life is a puzzle right now, a mystery. there's no other way to describe the confusion i feel right now. and as cliche and redundant as those phrases are...i realize why they are what they are...because it's true. it's relevant. it's me. and that is all… |
|
"i see you standing there, with your eyes cast down. i see you drowning in the pain. i see you wondering, looking so afraid. trying to disguise the shame..." ~lindsey kane "i know you're past the point of breaking into pieces...i know you feel, like there's no reason even worth this...and when you cry, the tears that fall don't even touch your pain" ~cadia "as i rest against this cold, hard wall will you pass me by will you criticize me as i sit and cry? i had fought so hard and thought that all my battles has been won only to find the war has just begun … will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a life time is there any way to be made whole again if i'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness find the strength i've never had will my scars forever ruin all god's plan?" ~stacie orrico if you're living, if you're breathing…you go something to say. you know if you're heart is beating…you got something to say… … listen up, i got a question here, would anybody miss you if you disappeared? well you're life is the song that you sing and the whole wide world is listening." ~matthew west how is it that i'm on my face again devastated by this trap i'm in when will i walk in freedom from this sin walk away, from all the shame ~lindsey kane rumor is, she's some kind of dream nobody really knows, she cries herself to sleep we are not that different from each other we just want somebody to discover who we really are when we drop our guard ~joy williams i've been looking up myspace music to listen to and i found some new favorite songs of mine...for the week anyways...that's pretty much all, nothing really more...or maybe i'm just too scared to write any of my own thoughts and such tonight. too scared to discover what lies in the depths of my heart and soul...too scared to see what's really important. i'd rather just avoid the mess all together...so much for being any kind of writer at all… but if i was going to keep writing...for anybody who might read this, i might have something else to say....the least i could do it try... like for example...isn't it kind of strange how someone you could have known your whole life is now someone completely different and has changed, not for the good. it's sad...and it's sickening to me that he could be like this...and be doing those things. that's life. i know. that's the things he deals with going to the school he goes to, the people he hangs out with. it's not that big of a deal. except it is. these past two days i realized how much i do not know or understand about my own brother. and it saddens me...but it makes me realize i do care about him. i do care what happens to him. i don't want him getting arrested, calling home at 3 in the morning while getting picked up by the police. i don't really wanna believe he's been smoking weed or drinking....buying stolen ipods, drugs, or stealing bikes and who knows what else...yet it's all there...on his myspace. his hidden life. his lies exposed as truth. but not for the world to see...not for me to really know. except i do...i do now. and i am left to wonder if some of it is just talk to impress or fit in with these people or if he really is doing this. and my heart sinks as i realize it has to be true. it just has to be. why would he be lying on his myspace, where he doesn't think anybody can see the messages he's sending everybody...*sigh* my mind is tired and weary now...i think i'll stop here... |
|
"image is overrated...if it washes off in the rain. you know you gotta go deeper...to go against the grain" ~krystal meyers my anger got the better of me...and i had to write. no matter how much hw i am putting off right now. i think this is way more important to get out. i just realized that, no matter what i do...they will never like what i like. they will always like that things i don't better..and i just have to live with that. it's been that way my whole life. i've always been different, weird, unique, or a loser. whatever words you choose to call me. i don't care... (((most of the time))) i hate admitting how bad it hurts sometimes just to be my silly, wild, crazy, different self. most of the times, the names people choose to throw my way don't bother me one bit. then there's days like today. sometimes i just want to go back to blending into my surroundings again rather than standing out. when did i become this person that likes to stand out??? i haven't a clue, it's just harder sometimes than other days. sometimes i'm able to laugh at myself more than others. but the fact is, i'll deal. i don't need your acceptance or opinion of who i should be...and i've realized i can change some things about me throughout the course of time and growing older...but the core of who i am will always remain the same...and i am this way for a reason i suppose...though sometimes that reason seems to get blurred...and i find myself wanting to disappear all over again... people will always let you don't. people will constantly disappoint you. you may even think, for a first, you finally have friends. things are looking up. brighter days are ahead. then something you bring up...they have something they think is better. and they leave you for that something better. sure, they invite you to join them in the activity they are about to participate in...but you feel it's wrong, you don't feel you can do that. there's a reason you were doing the thing you were doing. there's a reason you were showing them...because you thought it was cool, enjoyable....maybe even fun. only to have them think of something better and quickly leave you to your solitude. it's ok, most of time you'd prefer the solitude over them...but only most of the time...not all of the time. embracing solace is about embracing a soulful healing. seeking out that layer of healing and comfort in my life and wrapping it all around me. welcoming it into my life. letting it penetrate the very being of me and change everything about me--my outlook, my attitude, my personality. letting god be the one to give me that healing, comfort, and joy in my life that keeps peace and serenity in my life when i seek after him. but the fact is, i'm only human...and i will get let down...and disappointed in people, in their actions, their choices...and just the very personality of them. i can say things don't bother me when they truly do...i can feel wrong for being this way...but it happens. and when the tears form in the corners of my eyes...that's when i know it's over. i will not cry. not over something as silly, stupid...and as small as this. not this at all. it's just music. what's the big deal? why is it so important to me? i've been through things much worse than this and often times have felt the pain of not being able to cry. just wishing i could let out some kind of emotion so that i could know i was still real. so that i could find comfort and healing in tears...but it often took something else to trigger those tears. so why now? at something so insignificant as this? often times i don't understand myself...or the reason i let others offend or hurt me. and they go about innocently...not knowing that anything's wrong...and i will never tell them. and because it's not a big deal...i will soon forget and life will move on again. but just for that one moment, i wonder...why....why do i allow the actions and words of others to hurt me??? i think it all leads back to our human nature as people and how we long for acceptance and love from others. no matter how much we claim we hate people or don't care what others think...we do, don't we? as much as i would hate to admit it, tonight my eyes have been opened about how even i, long for the acceptance of others…but i am firm and know i will not conform to their standards of things to be accepted. i know i may be a bit vague on certain things...but at least i understand what i'm trying to say. so…here i am left. i will not do what they do...i will continue doing what i do. they will leave me...and what now? i guess that is where i am stuck now....hoping to embrace the solace....in the calm and in the quiet...letting the words and actions of others to wash over me....and continue to stand firm in my beliefs and the strong person that i am today. |