ok so i know you're just dying for an update about me but i've just been itching to type and type and type forever so i thought why not write some about ciy. so i know i couldn't type everything i wrote in my journal so i took bits and pieces from everyday and i hope it makes some sense. anyways, i will update more soon...it's just i wanted to get this down, out there...on my blog...for some reason, i don't know now, but here's all about my ciy.
~*~*~*~* CIY *~*~*~*~
~*Sunday*~
i've been thinking alot about last night. i can't get it outta my head. memories haunt me, they destroy me...i wanna go to my room, lie down and cry...all the pain out. but i can't. right now i'm stuck on a 5 hr. bus ride to TN for CIY. i don't wanna be here at all. but i don't wanna be home. i don't wanna ever go back there.
i saw my friend at church today. yup, i met my internet friend...perfect....anyways that was so cool, she's really tall and pretty...and she looked so happy. i just know that behind thoses pretty eyes and smile is a lifetime of pain. i wonder if ppl look at me that way...hhmmm....imagine this, i wanna fix everything for her and make it better so why don't i fix myself...it's just so hard.
hours later....right after we got on the school bus something was going wrong with it and we had to stop and wait for another one. i was completely reserved and to myself...still only saying few words as possible to ppl when they ask me something. and i had my head down while we were waiting...avoiding everyone and everything around me cause i was still in a bad mood from yesterday. so many times i almost cried, i seriously wanted to leave. go off somewhere by myself...only i couldn't. i realize now i'm stuck with these ppl for a long time, i might as well lighten up. try to forget last night...the pain, the tears, choking, anger..it's too hard to forget. it's on my mind, it consumes me...all these ppl are happy and giggling, they don't want to talk to me...i don't laugh at their stupid jokes. ok, so i did laugh a little...got in a better mood sorta...since this is only the first day, i can't keep this act up all week. plus we're on a charter bus, no more school bus. i better go read now since i'll have plenty more to complain about later.
~*Monday*~
right now i wanna scream. this is all overwhelming and it's just started. *sigh* i don't know what to do or what to saying...or anything! i just wanna cry but i don't think i wanna cry in front of these ppl. i'm rooming with britney and emily. maybe after all this i'll just crawl up in my sleeping bad and let the tears come out, they won't know. i did talk to val last night...it took me forever to say it, get it out. the fact that i haven't called her or anyone....but i'm still hurting myself...and tonight at worship i almost cried like alot. for the past 2 1/2 weeks i've been so sensitive to everything. movies, musik, thinking, everything tears me up. but i keep thinking i gotta be happy...so i didn't let the worship musik give me a headache like it usually does. i mostly listened and tried to sing a few songs. and now i'm thinking it's mon. night and i should've been to counseling today...but i'm here. it's been too long. i hat now going cause i think it helps alot..esp with all that i went through the week before and now i'm here. i feel like i'm going crazy.
earlier today i had a good time with amanda and brittany~two of the new freshman girls. it's funny cause that's what i did last year-hung out with the freshman. oh well, i feel the same age as them or even younger than that so oh well. Oh yeah and two sophomores i hung out with two after that-sammie and leah-we tried out the exercise bikes....they were nice, made me miss my own bike.
the speaker said tonight that this week could be real scary for some ppl cause God might be asking you to remove the blinders on your life and that's the scary part...and i'm thinking yeah, that's why my walls are so high cause i'm just still so angry at God so this will be one tough week to give in and let him change me. if i can trust him...if i want to. there's just so much in my head right now. it's spinning. i can't stop thinking. my bad thoughts, they won't leave me alone. i really hope i don't hurt myself this week with everyone here. right now, i'm longing so bad to run up superchick or john reuben...turn up the musik really loud to let out my pain...but that'll have to wait...forever it seems like...
~*Tuesday*~
right now i'm actually alone in the room...everybody's playing cards somewhere and it's nice...it's nearly midnight, i might sleep soon. brit just left, we were talking...that was nice. it was what i was hoping when i roomed with her that we could talk. and then she prayed for me. today was overwhelming too...i think it'll be like this all week. so good, yet so much pain it brought me. it's tough to face all this. guilt, hurt, pain...much hurt. my heart is physically hurting...this was something i know brit wasn't understanding but i don't know how else to describe it. it just feels like i've been stabbed in the heart, though i don't know what that feels like...and i thought tonight was the night i'd break down and hurt myself but after brit talked to me, i feel a little better. i cried tonight at worship, just a little. i kept my head down while the tears came. i decided right there that i needed to follow the contract. i know i signed it and everything saying i'd do it long ago, but i think everyone knows i haven't followed it...so after this week i'll call someone before i hurt myself...and i'll do my devos...better than i am now, which is not at all...and now for the bad. i can't get thoughts of suicide out of my head...here...now...like what would i do, nothing, but i can't stop the thoughts. i just keep imagining ways i can die...ways i could kill myself if i was i don't know, brave enough? strong enough? if i didn't care about anyone else. although i don't wanna hurt ppl by doing this...then there's some evil twisted part of me that would love to hurt everyone like how i hurt. to shock ppl who know nothing about me...and now i can't believe i just wrote it, but i can try to ignore it or i can face the truth. i guess i can't block these thoughts out anymore cause i don't have my musik with me. so these evil thoughts that are swimming constantly in my mind, destroying me day by day...it takes this for me to truly acknowledge them. but gotta think back to the good. i've thought alot about what happened today and i'm at least ready to change the part of me that i can, and get back to the contract.
~*Wednesday*~
when i made that commitment last night to stick to my contract, i had to realize that it begins right now....tonight...i just can't begin to describe it, yet i know i must try. they had a video clip agian about this guy who's really lonely and hurts himself and hides it...yup...so me...and the words...the voice. it broke me. i cried. again. the theme today was I AM HERE. kept talking about how god is here, when you can't feel him, when you don't think so...when you're doubtful...geeze. too bad i can't really believe that, it's too hard to comprehend. i started thinking about that and feeling sorry and bad for myself and i was beginning to get really angry...the worship musik started...i wanted to stop the pain. i wanted to just dig my nails into my wrists and press really hard over and over again, it was dark...nobody would ever know right? i knew after last night i couldn't do that though so val was two seats away...so i leaned over and told her i wanted to hurt myself. and she asks "why" and all i could get out was "it hurts" before more tears came and i went to lay my head down on my knees again. but now she just wouldn't leave me alone, to cry...i guess that wouldn't have been good, huh? so she told me to do stuff like sing, stand up, then she told me i should go down to the cross where they had the chains attached to the cross and you go up and pray...to leave these things behind...so i went, with her. i was shaking. i couldn't stop...but the tears did. probably cause i was going up in front of lots of ppl but i doubt they even noticed me, it's just...i don't know. so i tried doing it, praying..asking god to take it all away. i kept thinking of the grits song "i gotta break these chains"...and i couldn't hurt myself with val standing next to me. so i started calming down and after that i did feel better. but i still felt guilty inside even though i didn't hurt myself, maybe cause i still had the thoughts...val said it's a step in the right direction and she's glad i talked to her...but i don't know. it seems like i'd just get more satisfaction out of hurting myself...
~*Thursday*~
i was extremely tird so i wasn't much into the morning thing. guess last night really wore me out. in dgroup i wasn't listening much. i kept thinking of phrases from past poems i wrote. particularly one line from a poem i wish i could find but i think i tore it up long ago. it just kept going through my head like musik lyrics.
"staring but not seeing
faraway thinking"
yup that's me....after dgroup we saw this christian comedian his name was bone. and i kept thinking of grits again "i be i be coffee and i be i be bone" cause one of the guys in grits is nicknamed bonafide, bone for short. anyways, i liked him alot, he came out with a little rap and he even made fun of gospel gansta rappers...hehe and other rappers, plus he had his own little dance...it was funny though i'm not sure i laughed at all...i did like it. our youth group spent time together today and we played an encouragement game. basically you just encourage ppl...yeah, so everyone was encouraging everyone...how nice. too many ppl who don't know me told me how they can see what a strong christian i am and how they looked up to me and i just wanted to slap em in the face or something and tell them their so blind...that...ahhh i wanted to scream..but i just smiled and said thanks and thought of something nice to say back to them. in the end it was an ok game though cause ppl who know me did say things about me, that...well...was good.
at worship i sang most of the songs, so much better than last night. i even felt like singing the songs...well i thought i might as well sing and try to feel good instead of stopping and thinking...and now as i sit here and do allow myself to think, i'm thinking about how much i miss talking to my counselor, well going...and i wish i could blog about this right now, so she'd know...but i bet my internet still won't be working when i get back. i also miss talking to perfect, i mean there's so much here that i wish she could here too...cause i know it'd hit her hard like it's hitting me... i'm just so glad i saw her, met her. ahhh i think i'm about done, one of the girls who told me she looked up to me just came in with a notebook and said she's gonna do what i'm doing but i doubt she means journaling, i can't see her as someone who could quit talking for 5 min. maybe she's just doodling or something. but maybe i should talk to them more, i did talk...well rapped for alison today. and she isn't really that bad, yeah she's loud, very loud...but i can stand her for a little while.
~*Friday*~
so it had to happen today, i almost made it the whole week...and it had to happen today. right before i leave. in dgroup today, i lost it. broke down...i have to admit...i was bored and well i let my mind wander...my thoughts loose. i was just overwhelmed with everything i guess and ppl were talking, a lesson was being taught...so i couldn't exactly pull brit aside and talk to her..well maybe i could but i didn't want to draw attention to myself...but what i did was worse...i just started scratching my legs, rather my thighs where my shorts cover my legs...and over and over again...became harder and harder til i looked and it was burning. i felt my legs. not only were they bright red but they were so hot. but did i stop...no...scratch....thoughts hurting me...scratch...oww..the pain. the satisfying pain...only...it burns ow...bad...very, so much...not only that, now my stomach hurts...guilt washes over me.and then the physically pain burns so bad, i cry. tears prick my eyes at first...and i blink. quickly put my head down on my knees...feel the tears drip..drip...on my knees. i had to keep my head down the rest of the time, shameful...almost everyone left but britney-she was trying to comfort me, rubbing my back...only i just felt more guilty. and brandon and chris-the two sponsors...they stayed. and i really didn't wanna be mean and tell em to leave...so i started talking somewhat. they didn't understand alot of what i was saying, i was talking in broken sentences but brit understood me...and they prayed for me. and every time i tried to say more, more tears came. so yeah, i cried in front of em...a lot. i was a mess. then we had to go to lunch, so me and brit went back to the dorm and when we went to lunch i saw brandon and chris talking to val and john and i'm guessing it had to do with what happened...hehe...but i didn't care...i know they already know, i guess brandon just didn't think they did. but it wasn't till tonight that i did talk to val about this...
~*Saturday*~
so basically yesterday morning ruined my whole day yesterday....to where i wish i didn't scratch myself yesterday, i almost made it the whole week...but now it's too late. but morgan came to talk to me last night...and that was nice, cause she just seems so far away now. and then around 2 in the morning brit finally came in to talk to me...but we were both so tired....so there wasn't much talking going on. but i ended up bringing my sleeping bag up to her bed and sleeping there. i think i was kinda scared of myself...being by myself...after all that had happened that day. so as we come to the conclusion of my story filled with pain, sorrow, hurt..and hopefully some happiness and love...know that this is going to be a start for me. a start to getting better. to getting back to what i should be doing. it took writing 38 pages this week to come to this conclusion...and i guess ciy wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be...sure it hurt to hear lots of stuff...but i have to face it sooner or later. hopefully i won't forget to keep writing...or my blog will work when i get back. wow, almost wrote 40 pages in one week...i think i love writing.
later...that night...
11. From the White House to the Outhouse
"We often struggle with our inconsistencies as we try to walk with God. There are times we feel like losers, as though we will never be able to be a real follower of Christ. There's a difference between those who are real and those who talk about church and God and Jesus but live like everyone else. How can you keep yourself from falling into that trap? How can you live for Christ consistently? The answer is simple. By relying on the power of God within you."
yup, i did it....tonight...it's a start..and this...the answer is simple? i think not, but whatever....the rest is sooo true.