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rain_drop waking up to another dark morning people are mourning the weather in life outside is storming~SC - Subscribe
i can't remember when i wrote last..let's see...yesterday morning, oh yeah, that was at 3:30 in the morning or something like that. yeah, i'm not allowed on in the middle of the night like that anymore. so last night i again..well it was this morning i woke up around 4:30 and i couldn't go back to sleep...i layed in bed for two hrs. trying and then i played some tetris for awhile while listening to musik...but still i couldn't go back to sleep so i got up and watched some joan of arcadia. then around 8 i almost fell back asleep but my mom was up asking me if i was watching tv all night...so she started talking to me, by then i was fully awake again so i got up. maybe i'll take a short nap after this, if i can sleep...cause i have that sleepover tonight over morgan's house with the girls from church.

oh and i'm like 12 in. lighter..hehe i got my hair cut yesterday and i know they took at least that much off. now my hair's to my shoulders and i gave my hair to locks of love...so that's good for some little kid. it feels so weird though and yeah, i kinda miss it...but it was something i had to do. i just know it.

oh and yesterday ppl kept telling me to be honest...in counseling since i was going to that yesterday...first my mom, then val, then the counselor herself. so i figured i better just tell her you know the ways i do hurt myself, no it's not cutting..well now...and i never intend to do that, but it needed to be said. so i promised that this week i wouldn't do anything more to hurt myself if she didn't tell my mom today. and i know i won't cause i can be stubborn like that... and i also gave her the link to this..so she can read it.

another thing is the anti-depressants i'm taking, they're not good for teenage girls or something so i'm going off them...i have to slowly take less and less or something like that cause with these kinds of meds you can't just stop taking them...so that's something else. i'm to expect major mood swings...oh great! and now i'm going to have to go see another doctor to get another kind. and also tomorrow morning is the day i get my wisdom teeth pulled..fun fun...yeah i sound so excited don't i? well that's one of the reasons i needed to do this now cause i won't be able to get on tonight and who knows when i'll feel up to it after i get my teeth pulled.

and i'm going to miss talking with you'll on here, plus all the forums i go too...i'm just so tired now, i don't think i can do it today.

wow, ok i guess that's it for now....i've been up for 10hrs. already...it seems like the day should be over already...but it's only the afternoon...i think maybe i'll go watch joan of arcadia and get some rest before the sleepover...

oh and look at this cool pix of KJ-52 i found. love it!
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Mood: tired
: trying to find my superchick cd!

rain_drop when i go down it hurts to hit the bottom...~Relient K Jun 5th, 2005 1:42:57 am - Subscribe
so i haven't been on much in the past few days and yesterday i was feeling well enough to get on but my dad was using the computer all afternoon and night...or so it seemed. i'm not looking forward to this week coming up cause he has the week off of work. which means he'll be home more, which means he'll keep getting on the computer at night unless i beat him to it. not that it really matters since i've only been getting a connection speed of 4.8K but it still allows me to get on here and blog about all the important things i need toblog about. well actually it'd be nice if i could check all my mail really quick but with this speed it takes forever, at least aim still connects...most of the time. and now it just disconnected me again, good thing i can still type this thing. well, i'm feeling better after getting my wisdom teeth pulled thrus. morning and i'd like to write about all that's been happening since then...but i'll have to wait til i get back from my cousin's graduation...i really wanna go even though i still don't feel very good, i just don't want to get in the car with the family...but i'm gonna go face that...now...

~
ok i'm back and now i feel horrible, but this needs to be done cause if not i'll just continue to cry to myself in my room and think about all i need to write. first i want to say that now there is evident bruising on the sides of my mouth from where i got my teeth pulled, it really hurts and after this i'll take my painkillers which will make me dizzy and fall asleep quickly...then maybe i'll sleep til morning. now about the days i was gone...

wednesday~this was the sleepover. so i went over morgan's and adrian and britney showed up...and it started off good. i don't know what a good sleepover was, i barely remember but i tried talking and laughing and having fun. we started watching joan of arcadia which i brought over and i really enjoyed watching the first episode with them. but i don't know if it's cause their girls or they were getting bored but after awhile the cell phones came out! just like over my house at spring break! and the talking they did alot of that. and most of the time i had no idea who or what they were talking about....so about that time i was feeling so left out, not that i always feel that way, it's just i can talk individually with each one of them and it's fine and stuff but when they get together and start talking i just feel so alone and left out. i don't even like half the things they talk about either and like i said it's probably cause their girls and carefree and happy and i still don't know how to act that way. so they had cell phones out so i got my cd player out and tried to listen to it and go to sleep since it was around midnight and i knew i had to get up early to get my teeth pulled. i listened to my musik two hrs straight! and still couldn't sleep. it didn't help that the past two nights i couldn't sleep either but i thought just maybe i could drown out their giggling and laughing with the sounds of my musik...it didn't help. twice i went to the bathroom just to cry and i hate admitting that here cause i know at least one person there might read this but i just have to get this out somewhere. the first time it was just a few tears but the second time....it was like at home, i couldn't stop myself, the tears just came rolling down my cheeks. of course these incidents passed quickly cause i couldn't stay in the bathroom forever, but still. and then i cried again just laying there with my pillow in my sleeping bag, i'm just so sensitive or something now...or it's my mood swings...anti-depressants...something cause i think this is only the second time i went over someone's house and actually cried at night. i just couldn't stop myself that night. but then after around 2 in the morning i just suddenly felt better, probably from the crying and feeling sorry for myself that i actually stayed up and listened to some things they were saying and talked about some things. but i still couldn't sleep and it took forever....

thursday~i had to wake up early to get my teeth pulled, actually they had to cut my wisdom teeth out so i have stitches and stuff but anyways, it didn't hurt that much, but my mom did tell me all the funny things i said when i woke up since i was drugged up...after that i pretty much slept the whole day, couldn't eat much til later on but i had to...i had to eat so i could take my medicine. later on i called val back cause she had called and since she was leaving friday i asked if she could just come by really quick but she was busy, i should have known. and i don't wanna say this to make her feel bad cause i think this is just cause of my depression and stuff but after i hung up the phone i started crying and couldn't stop. it was the worst crying i had done in a long time, i couldn't breathe through my nose so i had to get a tissue but it hurt so much to blow my nose cause of my teeth and my whole mouth hurting it was awful. i cried for an hour and a half straight...i'm serious, yeah and then i got this crazy idea that i could start writing in my real journal so i kinda sat up and was ready to...but then my meds kicked in and started making me sick to my stomach and dizzy so i had to stop the crying and sleep which i did...so that was thursday...

friday~this day i remember my mom being gone and my dad yelling at me....fun fun! i still didn't feel good but i was trying to get on the internet and do stuff but it wouldn't connect right and then i had a crazy idea to ask him to fix the tv for me to make a channel come in. and the antenna is on the roof for some weird reason, he put it up there and he was telling me i had to help and tell him if it was working or not while he was on the roof. so i laid on the couch and was telling my brother what to tell my dad and that was working fine for me since i couldn't keep getting up and walking back and forth...but my dad was yelling for me to tell him. he got mad, came down and started yelling some more about how i would say i'd help him and i didn't. by this time i'm in tears saying i didn't know i wouldn't feel good enough to do it, blah blah blah and yeah, i'm trying to yell back at him too cause he won't listen to me but it's only making my mouth hurt worse til finally i throw some things and junk and then go off to my room and slam the door over and over again. back to myself again. i thought i had stopped this behavior and i'm only wondering if low dosing off my anti-depressants is already affecting me and if these are the mood swings i'm expected to have...if so, he should just be more understanding, esp if i'm in pain. so i don't know how long i laid in my bed and cried this time but i did lay there and i did cry once more. i'm about sick of this, is it just getting worse or is it getting my teeth pulled that makes it seem this way? or the fact that i so wished i could ride my bike over val's and talk to her but i know she's not there...and won't be for what seems like forever, only it's not, i only wish i knew when she was coming back. i already miss her so much cause she's like the closest friend i have, right now. i mean those other girls are great, but i just can't seem to connect with them at least at this moment...

so back to today, i felt alot better, well after my nap in the morning from taking the painkillers, i actually went outside read, and focused on the book i was reading! yay for me! finally....but it finally felt good to go somewhere other than my room...outside, it felt nice... oh and btw, i finished all of season 1 of joan of arcadia, i really didn't watch much tv it's just that i was almost finished with it anyways...now i must take my painkillers and get some sleep cause i'm going to try to at least go to first service at church tomorrow...i don't wanna miss the kids there...i hope this wasn't long enough! tounge.gif

ahh i wish the internet would connect right so i could add this blog!!!
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Mood: my jaw really hurts

rain_drop untapped potential, unstable mental, looking to escape from the trap you into~Grits Jun 7th, 2005 2:50:41 am - Subscribe
so i met the two little boys i'm going to start babysitting for tomorrow...they're so cute. i think one's 5 and the other's 2. and it's gonna be tuesdays and thursdays so far...that will be good for me cause it will give me something to do...plus they just seem like alot of fun and i'll be with them from 2 something til 11:30, of course they'll be in bed by 7:30 so i'll have the night to myself...to do whatever i guess...hmm i should've asked if they had a computer since mine still isn't working right. oh well, and yeah, i'm excited about that cause nothing else in life seems to be working out fine. hehe but that's why i have this...isn't it?

so i went to counseling today since i'm babysitting tomorrow..it was weird going in the evening. she was asking me if i was eating again cause she said it looks like i've been losing weight. and yes, i'm eating....but what's weird is she's not the only one, two of my mom's friends have asked my mom that too...but not only that the other day in front of one of my mom's friends...my mom asked me if i was eating and if i was turning anorexic or going bulemic...then she asked you're not throwing up are you...cause i know i see you eat. i couldn't believe her, nice time to have a chat with me! i've thought up plenty of reasons why..maybe i'm just losing some puberty weight, or maybe it's my girlier clothes i'm wearing...or maybe the depression has caused me either to not eat as much as i used to...or just the fact that i'm so stressed that i'm biking more...but i'm still wearing the same clothes and stuff and i'm not one to be obsessed about weight...i don't need any more problems in my life. things like that bug me though...so i talked to my mom later and she said that i seem fine to her she's just going to keep watching me cause so many ppl seem concerned. grr....if i was getting bigger would ppl ask if i was gaining weight? no they would just ask if i was losing weight if they thought i was getting skinner. but i guess counselor's need to be concerned and think about everything cause anything is possible i guess. anyways other than that it was good. she talked about talking to val sometime but she had to get my mom to sign something saying she could since i'm under 18.

then after that my mom had to go to bunco so i went along since it was over morgan's house. morgan was at work for awhile but we talked when she came home. and like i said before i just am better off one on one and stuff instead of group. yeah, we talked about serious stuff and i was hoping i could talk to her cause with val being gone, i really don't have anyone else to talk to. and that was really good...for me i think and i know it's good for her to know the things i talked to her about.

oh yeah and i've been having lots of fun outside too...well not to much but my sister has a little baby pool..i'm serious it's a small one but she filled it with water so i've been laying in the cold water and then getting out and drying off while reading my book. i'm so glad i can read again...plus spending my days outdoors with a little pool and a book keeps my mind off other things. it's hard to be sad outside when it's sunny...
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Mood: tired once again

rain_drop i give all that is me, still it's never enough, so why try? i give up!~pod Jun 8th, 2005 6:16:01 pm - Subscribe
wow, i finally got this to come up...so an update. hmm internet's still not working right and my family's gone for the whole day at Holiday World so it'd be a nice time to catch up on all the stuff i do on here, chatting, forums, email...but no...not today, not in a long time, but i can't stop the blogging, i just have to wait forever and try again and again to get this to come up.

so yesterday was my first day babysitting, cameron was the only one there, the two year old, tanner stayed over at a friend's house. but we had tons of fun. but boy did he wear me out. this was my first time actually doing alot of stuff while babysitting cause the other two boys i babysit are older so it was different but i liked it at the same time. we played, i had to give him a snack, we went swimming in his little pool in the back, i took him for a walk in his little wagon thing, we went swimming again, i fed him dinner, gave him a bath, read him a story, oh and i had to help him pee...hehe...help him get his pj's on, get him in bed, put his sound thing on, nighlight, cuddle him for a few min. while he cried for his mommy, which btw almost made me cry, it was so sad...and then make sure he went to sleep....whew! then i had the rest of the night off. i watched a little tv but i'm no addict and even though they had cable, which i don't, i couldn't find much to watch so i just read my book.

oh and yeah, i forgot to mention the other day another reason my mom was concerned about me, when i put on my bathing suit from last year, it was really loose on me, proving i have lost weight from last year...i need a new one anyways since that one has some holes in it. ahem..but yeah, so i got out my really old one from when i was 13 and 14 that i wore and um that fit me, sorta, cept it's really worn out, i just haven't gotten the chance to get a new one yet. so all of this made me want to check my weight, since we don't have a scale, the last time i did was probably babysitting last summer and i was around 130 at the time. so i found one yesterday while babysitting and um it was 115. gosh that shocked me. but then that could be because of getting my teeth pulled and i've only had soft foods for about a week, yeah so that night i had some popcorn and a brownie. but this is what my mom said she didn't want, me just to eat cause ppl think i'm not. i don't know, i'm just writing this really for you shannon so you can know, yes i have lost weight, i'm really not trying though, isn't that just another factor in my depression though, losing weight...and like i said before maybe it's this crazy biking that i started doing awhile back, geeze i was up to biking for an hr..til i started my anti-depressants which wore me out. oh well, enough about that.

um so what else, i meant to make myself do my devo this morning but agian i had no desire, i don't know. i do, but i don't...does that make any sense? i'm just missing the internet alot. oh i know something. the other lady i babysit for, she called me the other day. she has me babysit for weeks at a time from 7 in the morning til around 5 in the evening. and she wants me for the next three weeks! but only for her younger son logan who's 8 i think cause her other boy is at a camp. so i told her about my other babysitting job on tues and thurs and we'll work that out. i think i'll just take logan over there with me to cameron's and tanner's cause i know they'd love to have another boy around and logan could come and hang out in the pool with them. plus it'd only be for a few hrs and his mom could pick him up there since it's really close. i'll see though, but tues and thurs would wear me out since i'd be babysitting from 7 to 11:30...hehe i just might take a nap while the kids sleep. the only thing about this is i won't have much time for thinking about things, you know, which is good but not all the time. it's gonna keep me going and going. and i won't be able to go over val's..well maybe in the evening if i'm not too worn out. i like this but i also like to relax in the summer...

and thao's supposed to come over sometime today, she said she'd bring chinese food for me to try and we'd watch chinese movies with vietnamese subtitles. i'm thinking, oh great! sounds like fun, why would i want to watch a movie where i can't understand what they're saying and look at subtitles i can't even read? i don't know, but i guess it's good that i won't be completly by myself for the whole day. and she's been wanting to do something with me since school was out and i know i won't have time in the next few weeks so that's what's gonna happen today. ok i hope my internet is working fine soon. ~later~
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Mood: got a headache

rain_drop too many people know about hurts~Cross Movement Jun 10th, 2005 4:01:51 am - Subscribe
wow, it surprised me that my blog actually came up this time...it's the only thing working, i can't even get my mail to work now, but i'm going to the library hopefully tomorrow. i can't live like this without the net, i'm an addict....although i can't talk to ppl at the library but i can check my mail and read other blogs...things like that. um my dad's supposed to take this to get it fixed, but he hasn't gotten around to it...that'll be awhile...

so alot's been happening and i really wished i could have blogged yesterday when i was feeling really bad but i dealt with things other ways...thao never did come over yesterday cause she couldn't get her mom to bring her over here so that was disappointing and then i remembered that morgan said to call her when my family went to holiday world and she'd come over and keep me company soooo i did. and she came over with adrian and britney and arika cause they had spent the day together swimming and then eating dinner...and that was really fun. but after they left, i don't know...mood swings for me i guess. i was happy then i was sad. story of my life. although this got bad. no one was around so while i flopped on my bed and cried and cried and cried....and i allowed myself not the quiet silent crying but the loud crying and screaming and i turned on my musik and tried singing too...which by the way when i was crying really bad like that, it was awful i know. geeze, then all that crying gave me a headache but i just couldn't stop. i don't know, it's bad and i wanted to but then i didn't...for some reason i just wanted to keep dwelling in my own self-pity...it's sick...it's twisted...it's me...

but today i was babysitting again...that got me away but megan really wanted to see the kids again since she hadn't in awhile so she came over around 6:30 so i got to leave then...which was kinda nice but then when i got home i had nothing to do, since the computer wouldn't work....so me and my mom went over to her friend's house to do something. we ended up renting a movie and it had to be something my mom could watched to so i convinced them to get "The Glass House" cause i love that movie and it's not really scary. i convince my mom, who hates scary movies, that it wasn't scary cause it was in the drama section at the movie place. so we got in and watched it...that was fun. i needed something like that to do...and then...i return home....home to this house actually, not much of a home sometimes, i just wanna get out of here.

oh and more news, yesterday before my emotional breakdown really began, i was going to relieve my stress and stuff by riding my bike, only...i got it out and somehow the chain had fallen off it...and something was bent i don't know. but i couldn't ride the stupid thing and maybe that's another reason i got all mad and hysterical and whatever else you wanna call it...that and the fact that i was missing you know who...i have no one else. well maybe i could call someone else or something but i really didn't want to. so i let myself be alone and stuff.

there's so much more to write and things but...i wanna at least make sure this adds, i hope the internet doesn't mess up...plus it's almost midnight.
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Mood: down
: going to start reading Christy when i feel up to it