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it's been a long time since i last wrote and now i don't even know what i want to write about. things are going good most of the time, when i'm away from the house..and when i'm at home...well...i hate it here and college isn't that far away. the only thing is that now i've become closer to jennifer and michelle and then i'll have to leave them. you know the sad thing is right now i just keep thinking about how i'll miss them the most and their kids..and the kids at church...i know i'll miss them more than my family. what kind of person am i to say that? but i'm always gone now it seems like. i've been babysitting on mondays, tuesdays, and fridays and afterwards i've been hanging out at jennifer's and on the days i'm not babysitting. this week there were two days that i stayed home most of the day and it was awful. my mom wouldn't stop nagging me about how i don't wanna be around the family which by the way...i don't!!! and all these things i have to do which i know i have to do..but i just don't wanna do know so i'm putting it off. sunday i went over jennifer's and played with amanda. monday and tuesday i babysat then went over to jennifer's. wednesday i stayed home most of the day, i had a cold too so i wasn't feeling good. my mom kept yelling at me and i went to my room to cry...and then val called. so i actually talked to her a little bit and felt better and went to a jewelry party devon was hosting at her house. i got michelle to pick me up. thursday my brother turned 15 so i HAD to stay home some of the day but in the evening i went over to michelle's to babysit while she packed up cause their moving to their new house tomorrow...they finally sold their old house. today i babysat and took a walk with jennifer at night. just busy busy busy. and being so busy like that gives me little time to sit down and reflect on things..and when i finally do like wednesday..well i break down crying. yup..so mostly things have been going good...but somewhere deep inside i'm the same old me..or so it seems. tomorrow i'm going over to michelle's to watch her boys again while they move stuff in their new house. but it'll be fun cause i'm gonna swim with them in their neighbor's pool. i hope i'll get home early enough to go over jennifer's cause i haven't seen amanda in awhile and she's been asking for me. when i went over their today to walk with jennifer she was already in bed but when we got home jennifer's husband said amanda got out of bed and she saw my car outside and went looking through the whole house for me. and then cried herself to sleep. so i really wanna spend some time with her tomorrow cause next week i'm going on this church camp sorta thing and i'm leaving right after church and i should be home sometime thursday. i don't know. i'm so exhausted from my busy week but i just wanted to take a little time to myself and type in this thing...cause who knows when i will again. |
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"i'm in the corner hiding from life, hoping it will just go away and leave me alone." -my away message- |
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no one talks to her, she feels so alone. she's in too much pain to survive on her own.~superchick i feel all alone like nobody understands, i'm gonna end it tonight i got the whole thing planned~kj-52 ...and then the darkness surrounds me, i know i'm alive but i feel like i've died~superchick im not alright i havent been myself lately. im not ok with the way ive let my thoughts overtake~john reuben the hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife she writes on her arm wants to give up her life~superchick you know..sometimes i do wish i wasn't different today..that i could go back to the old person i once was..with all my struggles and sadness..because back then, ppl didn't know and it was all a SECRET...back then i had no friends, the PAIN ppl caused me didn't hurt as much...because back then, i CAUSED all the pain to myself...in many different forms...i wish now that i could just return, because this new ME..has no idea HOW to deal with the pain...how to ESCAPE the lonliness and emptiness without SCRATCHING or CHOKING myself...cause hiding these feelings deep inside only works for so long...because i AM still the SAME person i was a YEAR ago..or two...at least SOME days it really FEELS like that... |