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i can't do it anymore... seriously. |
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i have realized why i was so hesitant to go over my friend's houses, spend time with their kids, and call everyone who told me to make sure to call them to come visit...the beginning of my spring break i went no where..and now i know why. i couldn't help it, i had babysitting jobs and people calling, so eventually, tuesday, i left this house to go see people...besides church on Sunday…and now that i've seen everyone again, it's sad to have to go again...i even spent the night over michelle's on tuesday and spent the night over jennifer's on thursday...it's not that i don't want to go back, i do...but i just hate not being able to see jennifer and michelle all the time...especially michelle..and i don't know why sometimes...why i've grown so close to her, out of all people... but i sit here in my dark room, wishing i could just be over michelle's house instead...cause i hate it here..i really do, today was one of the worst, well one of them anyways...and i'm ready to leave again, to leave this family, this house..and all that goes with it, but i don't wanna say goodbye to my friends again..and then the kids, the sweet kids…i just hate coming back and being so happy to see everyone and hanging out with them and the kids giving me hugs and kisses and telling me not to leave again..and then not being able to see them. i hate coming back home and crying all the time, something that doesn't happen often at school..but the very night I came back, a week ago, i was flooded with emotion, so much so that i cried for at least 2 hrs. straight…and part of the time it was like i didn't even realize the tears were coming, but my face was soaked...i don't understand. i don't understand at all... i don't understand why i have so much hatred toward my dad...or why the day i get back I call him a butthole and he laughs and then the next day yells at me for it...and why don't i even care? why is telling him to shut up something i'm so used to that i don't even think twice about before i say it..things like "butthole" and "shut up" and "idiot" and "i hate you" just come out so naturally around him...i don't understand how I can be so hateful towards my family, it's like i'm a different person sometimes...a person who even starts to scare me... and the thing i really don't understand is why after the car wreck where i nearly died, i can still put God off and care less about him sometimes..why it's so hard to try and pray, read the bible..and why when people start to talk to me about it all that goes through my head is how much i wish they'd shut up and how i hate them for saying these things to me…i thought things would be different by now…i really did...and thinking these things is what keeps me up late at night…at home...and the tears still fall...cause i realize how much of a failure i still am...and how little i do to change that...like even in here, i haven’t been writing as much lately because how many times can you say how much you hate life and the things going on...how many negative thoughts can you really record in one blog? its just the same old thing...over and over again and even i get tired of typing it...sometimes...and the longer i sit here typing, the more i think...and the worse i feel...so how's that for an update??? |